Oh! I found my old login

Quote: writeone1 @ October 23 2009, 12:23 AM BST

Oh! I found my old login

View original

So the world is once again your oyster (or oxter, even).

And my lobster, cockle and winkle with a side order of snotted eels.

To celebrate, I may do Miss Milton again but this time when Ben gets her in the broom cupboard, he finds a nob in her knickers, goes mental, kills the bitch and sets fire to the school.

Yeah... and then he....

Quote: Roodeye @ October 23 2009, 8:10 PM BST

I've just found my Last Laugh script.

Here's a snippet:

Ben (the irresistibly handsome caretaker) and Miss Helen Milton (the prim but horny schoolteacher) have arranged an after-school liaison in Ben's store cupboard.

Helen waits in the cupboard as Ben goes in search of a mat to lie on.

(BEN ENTERS, CARRYING THE MAT)

BEN:
I've got a mat.

HELEN:
Yes. So I see.

(BEN THROWS THE MAT ONTO THE FLOOR, CLOSES THE DOOR, TURNS THE KEY IN THE LOCK AND MOVES TOWARDS HELEN)

HELEN (CONT):
Er . . . I've been thinking . . . about my position. You have to understand that my position is very important to me.

BEN:
I do understand that

HELEN:
Really?

BEN:
Course I do - but we can't do anything fancy in here. There's not enough room.

HELEN:
No, that's not what I mean. I mean I'm not sure we should be in here at all. I'm not sure we should be doing this.

(BEN TAKES HOLD OF HER BY THE WAIST AND PULLS HER GENTLY TO HIM)

HELEN (CONT):
Not entirely sure, anyway.

(HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD)

BEN:
It'd be a pity to waste the mat now I've brought it.

HELEN:
Yes, I suppose it would.

BEN:
And it does look comfortable.

HELEN:
Yes it does.

BEN:
Right then.

HELEN:
Right then.

(THEY LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES FOR A MOMENT THEN EMBRACE FIERCELY AND DESCEND TO THE FLOOR, KNOCKING OVER A FEW ITEMS WHICH FALL NOISILY)

(AT FLOOR LEVEL, WE SEE ONLY THEIR UPPER BODIES. BEN IS ON TOP OF HER)

BEN:
What time are you expected home?

HELEN:
Normally about half past four, why?

BEN:
It's already ten past. We'll have to get a move on.

(BEN IMMEDIATELY GETS A MOVE ON - ALTHOUGH WE CAN'T SEE EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING, IT'S CLEAR HE'S SETTING ABOUT THE TASK WITH WHAT MANY WOULD CONSIDER INDECENT HASTE)

HELEN:
Wait! Wait! What about protection?

BEN:
Protection?

HELEN:
Yes. If we're going to do it, you'll need . . . you know . . . some sort of protection.

BEN:
From who? You said you didn't have a boyfriend.

(A LOUD RAPPING ON THE DOOR IS HEARD)

BEN (CONT):
Bloody Hell! That's not him, is it?

SCENE 7. LOCATION CORRIDOR. DAY 1. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.
(COLIN, THE HEADMASTER, IS OUTSIDE BEN'S STORE CUPBOARD)

COLIN:
Ben? Ben, are you there?

SCENE 8. INTERIOR. STORE CUPBOARD. DAY 1. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.

(BEN AND HELEN ARE STILL TOGETHER ON THE MAT)

COLIN:
O.O.V
Are you in there, Ben? I thought I heard banging.

HELEN:
(TO CAM) I hope you're not making up your own jokes.

BEN:
He'll go away in a minute if we keep quiet.

(THEY WAIT QUIETLY FOR A FEW MOMENTS)

BEN (CONT):
I think he's gone

HELEN:
Good.

(BEN IMMEDIATELY RECOMMENCES HIS UNCEREMONIOUS ATTEMPTS AT INTIMACY)

HELEN (CONT):
Wait! Wait!

(BEN STOPS)

HELEN (CONT):
I haven't got a boyfriend. That's not what I meant. I mean we can't do it without . . . you know?

(BEN LOOKS BLANK)

HELEN (CONT):
I mean I don't want to get caught. You know . . . caught?

BEN:
Don't worry. There's no chance of that.

HELEN:
You mean you've had the snip?

BEN:
No, I mean I've locked the door.

(HE RECOMMENCES HIS ATTEMPTS)

HELEN:
Stop! Wait!

(BEN STOPS AGAIN)

BEN:
(REALISING WHAT SHE MEANS) Oh, right. I know what you mean. You mean you don't want me getting you up the duff.

HELEN:
(TO CAM) By George, I think he's got it

BEN:
Sorry, I just assumed you were on the . . .

HELEN:
On the pill?

BEN:
On the change.

HELEN:
Do you mind? I'm only thirty - . . .something!

BEN:
Hang on then. I've got a packet of you-know-whats somewhere. .

(BEN GETS UP AND BEGINS RUMMAGING)

I found them in here when I first started this job. They must have been left by the previous caretaker.

HELEN:
He was about eighty-five!

BEN:
Maybe it was the one before him then?

HELEN:
Give me the packet when you find it

BEN:
(DELIGHTED) You going to do the honours?

HELEN:
No, I'm going to check the 'use by' date.

BEN:
What for?

HELEN:
Because they could be prehistoric – that's what for.

(TO CAM): I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'Stop it! Stop it now, you dirty girl!' - but I won't stop it. Why should I stop it? Unless the packet IS prehistoric. Then I'll stop it, obviously.

View original

Why the fukk didn't it win I've got the horn just reading that little gem.

Your right as usual Rood, they were just jealous bastards, I hate them.

I think someone should pressure the BBC into doing something similar again. It was great although at the time I knew nothing about this site.

Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 12:59 PM BST

I won't tell you who he is in case I'm accused of name-dropping but he said it was far better than any of the stuff he and Stephen Merchant wrote for The Office. And they made millions out of that!

View original

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ October 22 2009, 11:41 AM BST

You didn't get shortlisted then...?

How charming.

For the record folks, the readers were not "retarded humourless bastards".

And The Last Laugh did help launch a few writing careers and furnished a few more people with the stimulation and impetus to carry on writing because - for no other reason - they liked it.

The shortlisted endings for all the scripts were chosen because they provided contrast and a continuation of style. A lot of people read all the submitted scripts - people who read and work with comedy and writers all the time. What may have been a great script to the writer may have actually been something The Last Laugh people saw flaws and setbacks in.

And being funny is never enough when writing comedy. There is nothing worse than funny after funny with nothing inbetween.

Also, between them the "Egyptian", the "American" and "one of the girls from 'Two Pints' - not the funny one, the other one" have produced a lot of work that has got commissioned, re-commissioned, syndicated, remade around the world and actually made. Just saying...

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People slag off competitions they don't win all the time. It's their right. I came nowhere in that particular scheme myself and like to imagine the readers of my script as knuckle-dragging, drooling morons. (Even though my entry was shite).Whereas the schemes I have been successful in are obviously run by comedy geniuses.

Human nature. No need to get upset.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ October 22 2009, 11:41 AM BST

There is nothing worse than funny after funny with nothing inbetween.

View original

Like Friends you mean? I agree entirely!

Quote: Roodeye @ October 23 2009, 8:10 PM BST

I've just found my Last Laugh script.

Here's a snippet:

Ben (the irresistibly handsome caretaker) and Miss Helen Milton (the prim but horny schoolteacher) have arranged an after-school liaison in Ben's store cupboard.

Helen waits in the cupboard as Ben goes in search of a mat to lie on.

(BEN ENTERS, CARRYING THE MAT)

BEN:
I've got a mat.

HELEN:
Yes. So I see.

(BEN THROWS THE MAT ONTO THE FLOOR, CLOSES THE DOOR, TURNS THE KEY IN THE LOCK AND MOVES TOWARDS HELEN)

HELEN (CONT):
Er . . . I've been thinking . . . about my position. You have to understand that my position is very important to me.

BEN:
I do understand that

HELEN:
Really?

BEN:
Course I do - but we can't do anything fancy in here. There's not enough room.

HELEN:
No, that's not what I mean. I mean I'm not sure we should be in here at all. I'm not sure we should be doing this.

(BEN TAKES HOLD OF HER BY THE WAIST AND PULLS HER GENTLY TO HIM)

HELEN (CONT):
Not entirely sure, anyway.

(HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD)

BEN:
It'd be a pity to waste the mat now I've brought it.

HELEN:
Yes, I suppose it would.

BEN:
And it does look comfortable.

HELEN:
Yes it does.

BEN:
Right then.

HELEN:
Right then.

(THEY LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES FOR A MOMENT THEN EMBRACE FIERCELY AND DESCEND TO THE FLOOR, KNOCKING OVER A FEW ITEMS WHICH FALL NOISILY)

(AT FLOOR LEVEL, WE SEE ONLY THEIR UPPER BODIES. BEN IS ON TOP OF HER)

BEN:
What time are you expected home?

HELEN:
Normally about half past four, why?

BEN:
It's already ten past. We'll have to get a move on.

(BEN IMMEDIATELY GETS A MOVE ON - ALTHOUGH WE CAN'T SEE EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING, IT'S CLEAR HE'S SETTING ABOUT THE TASK WITH WHAT MANY WOULD CONSIDER INDECENT HASTE)

HELEN:
Wait! Wait! What about protection?

BEN:
Protection?

HELEN:
Yes. If we're going to do it, you'll need . . . you know . . . some sort of protection.

BEN:
From who? You said you didn't have a boyfriend.

(A LOUD RAPPING ON THE DOOR IS HEARD)

BEN (CONT):
Bloody Hell! That's not him, is it?

SCENE 7. LOCATION CORRIDOR. DAY 1. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.
(COLIN, THE HEADMASTER, IS OUTSIDE BEN'S STORE CUPBOARD)

COLIN:
Ben? Ben, are you there?

SCENE 8. INTERIOR. STORE CUPBOARD. DAY 1. A FEW MOMENTS LATER.

(BEN AND HELEN ARE STILL TOGETHER ON THE MAT)

COLIN:
O.O.V
Are you in there, Ben? I thought I heard banging.

HELEN:
(TO CAM) I hope you're not making up your own jokes.

BEN:
He'll go away in a minute if we keep quiet.

(THEY WAIT QUIETLY FOR A FEW MOMENTS)

BEN (CONT):
I think he's gone

HELEN:
Good.

(BEN IMMEDIATELY RECOMMENCES HIS UNCEREMONIOUS ATTEMPTS AT INTIMACY)

HELEN (CONT):
Wait! Wait!

(BEN STOPS)

HELEN (CONT):
I haven't got a boyfriend. That's not what I meant. I mean we can't do it without . . . you know?

(BEN LOOKS BLANK)

HELEN (CONT):
I mean I don't want to get caught. You know . . . caught?

BEN:
Don't worry. There's no chance of that.

HELEN:
You mean you've had the snip?

BEN:
No, I mean I've locked the door.

(HE RECOMMENCES HIS ATTEMPTS)

HELEN:
Stop! Wait!

(BEN STOPS AGAIN)

BEN:
(REALISING WHAT SHE MEANS) Oh, right. I know what you mean. You mean you don't want me getting you up the duff.

HELEN:
(TO CAM) By George, I think he's got it

BEN:
Sorry, I just assumed you were on the . . .

HELEN:
On the pill?

BEN:
On the change.

HELEN:
Do you mind? I'm only thirty - . . .something!

BEN:
Hang on then. I've got a packet of you-know-whats somewhere. .

(BEN GETS UP AND BEGINS RUMMAGING)

I found them in here when I first started this job. They must have been left by the previous caretaker.

HELEN:
He was about eighty-five!

BEN:
Maybe it was the one before him then?

HELEN:
Give me the packet when you find it

BEN:
(DELIGHTED) You going to do the honours?

HELEN:
No, I'm going to check the 'use by' date.

BEN:
What for?

HELEN:
Because they could be prehistoric – that's what for.

(TO CAM): I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'Stop it! Stop it now, you dirty girl!' - but I won't stop it. Why should I stop it? Unless the packet IS prehistoric. Then I'll stop it, obviously.

View original

Needs a few more gags.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ October 22 2009, 11:41 AM BST

And being funny is never enough when writing comedy. There is nothing worse than funny after funny with nothing inbetween.

View original

I think not funny after not funny with nothing in between is worse.

This is a bit of my entry, this one was set in a male escort agency.

........................................
Charlie
There's a Kissogram at the door.

[Jamie looks at the screen.]

Jamie
That's no Kissogram, that's a cop.
Let him in. [Charlie presses button.]

Cop
Evening all.

Jamie
Evening officer. What brings you here?

Cop
I'm looking for a dangerous criminal.

Jamie
Well, you won't find one here sir
but you can go for the bondage if
that's your pleasure, you know, whips, handcuffs.

Cop [looks puzzled].
I've got my own handcuffs.

Jamie
Oh, well in that case I can
offer you a ten percent discount.

Cop
I'm doing house to house enquiries.
There's a dangerous criminal on the
loose.

Jamie
What does he look like?

Nicky, Jody [together],
Will I fancy him?

Cop
Who knows? He poses as a
pizza man in a wheelchair.

Jamie
Wheelchair?

Cop
Yeah, it's a cover.

Jamie
What's his line?

Cop
Tea leafing. When things get too hot
he hides his booty in pizza boxes
and delivers 'em to the nearest address.

Jamie
Wheelchairs? Pizzas? Whatever next?

Cop
Seen him?

Jamie
Sure, he was here earlier.

Tom [ Enters with pizza boxes.]
Sorry Jamie, I burnt the grub.

Jamie
You put the boxes in the oven?

Tom
Well, hello officer.

Cop
Why did you look at me like that?

Tom
Like what?

Cop
You just stared at me.

Tom
I didn't.

Cop
You did. You went like this [stares wide eyed.]

Tom
I just burnt the dinner, lost a lover,
I'm having a nervous breakdown
and now you accuse me of going like this
[ he widens his eyes] let
me just say something.
These big green eyes are naturally wide.
Well, my mum ses....

Cop
I'm giving you a caution.

Tom
Awwww, I get a caution because
of my big green eyes?

Cop
No, because of your big loud mouth
and the eyes look hazel to me. Now
let's see what's in these pizza boxes.
[ He opens the boxes and takes
out scorched items.]

One pair of rubber gloves…….why would
anybody in their right mind, want
to steal a pair of rubber gloves.

Tom
You're so dumb.

Cop
You just said that without a safety net.
Now, I've warned you. Shut up.
[He continues with contents.]
One foldable crowbar, ah, ha. One
burnt out screwdriver, cordless, well it is now.
One smoke damaged
sparkling ring and matching bracelet.
Well, I guess there's nothing to
cry over here. Dispose of these will you?
I'll only have to write a long
report otherwise. If you see anything else
suspicious, burnt pizza boxes
wheelchair abusers just call me.
The number's 999.
[He exits then returns to Tom]

Nobody's wearing checks this year.
Oh and just put yourself out
there. They say there's somebody for
everybody, even with hazel eyes and
big mouths [He goes to the door then turns]……
Nice ass.

There are some good jokes in there and some good characterisation.

The BBC were obviously hoping for 16 great scripts to put into the final but - let's face it - if they'd found 16 great scripts, they'd have thanked their lucky stars, produced all of them and broadcast the series of LL programmes at peak viewing time.

The fact that they produced only a few seconds of each shortlisted script and broadcast the series in the wee small hours of the morning makes it clear they thought the scripts (as a group) were pretty poor.

They had about 4600 scripts if I recall correctly and I'd be surprised if even 600 were ever read by the 'readers'. If that's so, the poor old Beeb had no choice but to believe the 16 shortlisted scripts the readers gave them were the best of that 4600.

Of course, it's possible the readers read all 4600 script but anyone who's ever been involved in judging a similar competition will agree that's highly unlikely.

If anyone is about to suggest I'm bitter and twisted, that may or may not be so but, either way, it doesn't mean I'm wrong about what happened.

Quote: Roodeye @ October 29 2009, 12:03 AM BST

There are some good jokes in there and some good characterisation.

The BBC were obviously hoping for 16 great scripts to put into the final but - let's face it - if they'd found 16 great scripts, they'd have thanked their lucky stars, produced all of them and broadcast the series of LL programmes at peak viewing time.

The fact that they produced only a few seconds of each shortlisted script and broadcast the series in the wee small hours of the morning makes it clear they thought the scripts (as a group) were pretty poor.

They had about 4600 scripts if I recall correctly and I'd be surprised if even 600 were ever read by the 'readers'. If that's so, the poor old Beeb had no choice but to believe the 16 shortlisted scripts the readers gave them were the best of that 4600.

Of course, it's possible the readers read all 4600 script but anyone who's ever been involved in judging a similar competition will agree that's highly unlikely.

If anyone is about to suggest I'm bitter and twisted, that may or may not be so but, either way, it doesn't mean I'm wrong about what happened.

View original

Sorry sir, but you couldn't be more wrong. And I personally don't see where the use is in scorning a scheme and process you had no involvement in. Just saying.

The readers DID read all the scripts and more than once. One thing that happens with that volume of scripts is that a person's naff detector becomes finely tuned and they can see where the faults were (as I have on the material posted on this thread). There were a lot of readers employed to get through the scripts and there was - but don't quote me on this as it was a few years ago now - a grading system that wouldn't allow just one person to dump an entry on their own.

The transmission slots for the programmes was nothing to do with the quality of the final pieces, but a scheduling "issue". It was also not possible to film and broadcast all the 16 ends in their entirety plus the initial sequence from the original writers. That was a time, content and budgetary issue, not one of quality.

And the legacy of the competition was not centred on the final shows. It was to encourage and showcase new writing and new writers - which it did do, trust me.

Let's all have a group hug

Sorry. I ain't trying to be moany. I am actually trying to pour a bit of insight and positivity on some negativity that has scant relation to the reality of what happened.

But, yes, group hug by all means...