Here's an extract from the first draft of an episode from a new sitcom I'm working on. Just wondered if anyone would care to comment. I'm working on a second draft now following feedback from Marc Blake.
Essentially, Katherine is in her early 40's and long divorced, looking forward to getting her life back. Then, her daughter splits up with her boyfriend and invites herself back home to live, temporarily. At the same time, ish, Katherines brother and his wife finally become pregnant but this means they no longer have room for Eileen, her mother, and she reluctantly agrees to allow her to move in too. And there's Max, who lives next door.
This is just a few pages, it doesn't start at the beginning, nor end at the... well... end.
See what you think:
INT. KATHERINE'S KITCHEN. - DAY
EILEEN IS BAKING AND HAS TAKEN OVER THE KITCHEN. KATHERINE STAGGERS IN LADEN WITH SHOPPING BAGS. THERE IS NOWHERE FOR HER TO SET THEM DOWN.
EILEEN
There's a Simnel cake over there.
KATHERINE PUTS THE BAGS ON THE FLOOR. EILEEN DOESN'T BOTHER TURNING ROUND.
EILEEN
Keep your hands off it.
KATHERINE
Mum, I don't eat cake.
EILEEN
Well you can't tell to look at you.
KATHERINE MAKES A REPEATED STABBING MOTION BEHIND HER MOTHER'S BACK.
EILEEN
I want everything to be just so for when Father O'Leary arrives.
KATHERINE
What?
EILEEN
He's coming for an early supper.... I want to discuss the church flowers.... It's not right that Mrs McNamara has all the credit. He's had me rearranging all of her.... arrangements.... ever since she lost the use of her arm in that freak beetle drive accident.
KATHERINE
Mum, she was run over by a Volkswagen.
EILEEN
Whoever heard of anything so ridiculous?
KATHERINE
Mrs McNamara's always done the flowers. She's part of the furniture.
EILEEN
She's an antique. But will she do us all a favour and ship herself off to the car boot sale?
KATHERINE
Mum.
EILEEN
And now she's losing the sight in her one good eye. I'm practically doing it all anyway. I don't see why I can't get the recognition.
KATHERINE
I'm sure Mrs McNamara doesn't want to be recognised.
EILEEN
You can't fail to recognise her. She has a floppy arm and a patch over one eye.
KATHERINE
Mum. I'm sure God knows what a good job you do.
EILEEN
it's not right is all.
KATHERINE
I really wish you'd told me about Father O'Leary.....
EILEEN
What business is it of yours?
KATHERINE
It's my house.
EILEEN
Look, I'm telling you now aren't I?
KATHERINE
It's not really.... convenient. I've got... Friends coming round for dinner...
EILEEN
Well you didn't tell me that.
KATHERINE
Mum, it's my house. I don't have to tell you when I'm having guests.
EILEEN
It might be your house young lady, but we both have to live here.
KATHERINE
But do we though?
EILEEN
What's that supposed to mean?
KATHERINE REACTS.
EILEEN
What's the point in me paying hundreds of pounds a week to be miserable in an old folks home, when I can be miserable here for nothing?
KATHERINE
Look. I'd just be grateful if you could finish up as soon as you can.
EILEEN
Who are these friends?
KATHERINE
No one you know.
EILEEN
No one I'd approve of's what you mean. Your little divorcee group?
KATHERINE
I'm not arguing about this Mum.... I've been divorced for ten years.
EILEEN
I'm not arguing about it either.
KATHERINE
Plenty of people get divorced. Michael's divorced too. It's not just me.
EILEEN
Michael looks up to you. He followed your example.
KATHERINE
You're not pinning that one on me mum, Michael prefers the company of men. That's why he got divorced.
EILEEN
That wife of his stifled him. Of course he wanted to spend time with his friends once she left.
KATHERINE MOUTHS 'HE'S GAY' BEHIND EILEEN'S BACK.
EILEEN
Why don't you have any nice married friends? Don't you know normal people?
KATHERINE
These are normal people mum.
A PAUSE.
KATHERINE
Or at least, I hope they are.
INT. KATHERINE'S LIVING ROOM. - DAY
ABBY IS ON THE TELEPHONE, PACING BACK AND FORTH ANGRILY.
ABBY
No. No. I told him I wanted to speak to the supervisor because I wasn't happy with his answer...... Because it must be a mistake. An act of God? That's your response too? It's God's fault? This is ridiculous...... Do you suppose he has public liability insurance?.. You wouldn't happen to know the name of his broker? Or should I expect the local priest to dip into the collection and drop it round on his behalf?... Your... Hello? Hello?
SHE SLAMS THE HANDSET DOWN AND LETS OUT A LOUD ANGRY GRUNT.
INT. MAX'S KITCHEN. - DAY
MAX IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, STARING AT A LETTER WHILE HE SIPS FROM A MUG. KATHERINE PUSHES OPEN THE BACK DOOR. HE LOOKS CONTEMPLATIVE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE IS A HOME-MADE SWEAR BOX.
KATHERINE
Boo!
HE LEAPS OUT OF HIS SKIN.
MAX
Jesus.
KATHERINE
Gotcha.
HE PICKS UP A POUND FROM A PILE NEXT TO THE SWEAR BOX AND DROPS IT IN.
MAX
Sorry. I was... Thinking.
KATHERINE
Careful.
MAX FAKES A LAUGH
KATHERINE
Anything I can help with?
MAX
Maybe.
KATHERINE
You know I was just being polite? Well... nosy.... I can't be of any actual help.
MAX
If you were... adopted, would you want to meet your natural parents?
KATHERINE
If I were adopted... then... yes, I'd want to meet my natural parents.... So I could ask them why on earth they thought I'd have a better life with the people they allowed to adopt me..... Actually, sometimes I think I must have been adopted. Hope, in fact. The last thing I want to do when I get old is turn into my mother.
MAX
Didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this but....
KATHERINE
Not funny.
MAX
I've had a letter from an agency…. My actual mother's asked them to get in touch. I've agreed to meet her, but....
KATHERINE
I didn't even know you were adopted. But that does explain something.
MAX
It can't explain anything.
KATHERINE
That picture of you and your brother on the mantelpiece? It explains why you look nothing like him.
MAX
We're not that dissimilar.
KATHERINE
Believe me, if you looked like him, I wouldn't be spending all my time trying to find Mr. Right. You'd have to beat me off with a stick.
MAX
I might not.
KATHERINE
Any chance of an introduction?
MAX
Nope.
KATHERINE
Jealous?
MAX
He spends his life bumming round the globe.
KATHERINE
Sounds interesting.... Mysterious even.
MAX
He's not interesting or mysterious.... He's.... Well … a bit of a … tosser.... if you must know.
KATHERINE
You said it. Not that dissimilar.
HE GLARES AT HER.
KATHERINE
What if she just wants to worm her way into your life so she can get her hands on your money?
MAX
I haven't got any money.
KATHERINE
You've got a house, and a successful business. If she has nothing.... And let's face it; she didn't have the most auspicious start.....
MAX REACTS.
KATHERINE
She's probably gone from one failed relationship to another.... leaving a string of adopted children behind her…
MAX
How did you get to be so cynical?
KATHERINE
You know my mother, right?
MAX
She could be successful. Maybe she wants to track me down to share a fortune with her only child. Perhaps I'm the reason she could never find a happy and loving relationship. The one regret she has in her whole life?
KATHERINE
Obviously there's that too. Just don't go getting your hopes up. She's abandoned you once already.
MAX
Helpful. Thanks.
A PAUSE.
MAX
Did you... Want something?
KATHERINE
You remember me telling you about the murder mystery singles dinner party I'd agreed to arrange?
MAX
Was that when I cracked a rib laughing?
KATHERINE
Joining a singles club is not funny. It's actually quite sensible for a woman in my circumstances. And having a murder mystery theme helps to break the ice a little.
MAX
I know it's a popular last resort for many middle aged women.....
SHE BREATHES IN SHARPLY.
MAX
But the funny thing was that you were hosting it. Because you can't cook to save your life.
KATHERINE
How would you know, I've never cooked for you.
MAX
I know, because every time you cook for someone else, you're round here asking me to do it for you.
KATHERINE
That's not true.
MAX REACTS.
KATHERINE
Alright it's true.
MAX LOOKS UNIMPRESSED.
KATHERINE
And you already agreed when I told you about it, so... no excuses.
MAX
You didn't tell me everything.
KATHERINE
I did. Six people.... 1920's theme.
MAX
Murder mystery game.
KATHERINE
See?
MAX
You didn't tell me when it was.
KATHERINE
O. Well, it's tonight. I've been to the supermarket.. I just need a bit of guidance. O, and help with the preparation. You know I can't stand touching raw meat. And maybe we could get started here because mum has taken over my kitchen in an effort to win over the local priest by force feeding him a selection of home-made cakes and pastries.
MAX
Thing is. I'm really quite busy.
KATHERINE
Busy staring into space?
MAX
That was a small window of reflection in an otherwise busy schedule.
KATHERINE
Rubbish.
MAX
Not rubbish in fact. I have some work to finish off and then I'm going out.
KATHERINE
Well don't. Stay in and help me.
MAX
I can't, I'm sorry.
KATHERINE
I get it. It's a date. Who is she?
MAX
I'm not saying.
KATHERINE
Come on. You tell me about all your dates?
MAX
This.... isn't really a date. Can we leave it at that?
KATHERINE
Never going to happen. You can't tell me you've got a hot date and expect me to drop it.
MAX
It's not a hot date. Just someone I've not seen in a very long time. Can we please drop it?
HE PUTS DOWN THE LETTER HE HAS BEEN READING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE. SHE NOTICES.
KATHERINE
Depends. Are you available to help me cook dinner?
MAX
Looks like it.
SHE PULLS AN OBVIOUSLY FAKE LOOK OF SURPRISE.
KATHERINE
Drop what?
INT. KATHERINE'S KITCHEN. - DAY
MAX IS LAYING OUT SOME BACON, HE PLACES A CHICKEN BREAST ON IT.
EILEEN
I keep telling her she'll never get a man if she can't cook.
KATHERINE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT THE BACK OF EILEEN'S HEAD.
MAX
I don't think it matters these days Eileen. And if she could cook, I'd have to think of another excuse to come round here and see you.
KATHERINE PRETENDS TO VOMIT.
MAX
Kate, could you get that pan and melt me a small knob of butter?
KATHERINE
How big is a small knob, would you say?
MAX
You're asking the wrong guy Katie.
EILEEN
Maximillian. I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my house.
KATHERINE'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN.
EILEEN
I'm going to freshen up before Father O'Leary arrives.
SHE EXITS.
KATHERINE
And It's my house.
KATHERINE GRABS THE KITCHEN TIMER AND SETS IT.
KATHERINE
Just give her a few minutes to get into the shower, then I'll turn on the cold tap.
MAX
You're really not very nice.
KATHERINE
Don't recall ever saying I was.
MAX
Can you pass me the sausages?
SHE PASSES THEM TO HIM.
MAX
I still can't see why you agreed to host another dinner party. Not after last time, where you refused to make ratatouille because there was a vegetarian coming. And then you served up foie gras as an entre.
KATHERINE
I thought it was something else.
MAX
What?
KATHERINE
Something.... cold. My French is a little rusty... And anyway, I've improved a lot since then.
MAX
Tonight you're having monk fish. Can you tell me the difference between this and... say.. Tuna?
SHE THINKS ABOUT IT.
KATHERINE
Monk fish doesn't come in cans.
HE REACTS.
KATHERINE
Alright. Alright. I'm rubbish. I know it's pathetic. But I'm trying to impress one of the guests.
MAX
I didn't think you'd met them? Or have you reached the point in your life where you're happy to settle for anybody?
KATHERINE
I have met this one. And I like him. I think. And I want him to like me?
MAX
But he'll be liking you for my cooking.... And that's a shame when there are so many other things.....
KATHERINE
Name some.
MAX
Don't push it. I'm just saying, in my view... Bad plan.
HE SQUEEZES THE CONTENTS OUT OF THE SKIN OF A SAUSAGE AND BEGINS TO SMOOTH IT ONTO THE CHICKEN.
KATHERINE
That's disgusting.
MAX
I believe that's why I'm doing it.
KATHERINE
I do appreciate you helping me. You could always come tonight?
MAX
No I can't. I have my....
KATHERINE
Not date?
MAX
Exactly.
KATHERINE
Sounds boring. Why don't you cancel and come to dinner with us?
MAX
No thanks.
KATHERINE
There'll be single women there. Gorgeous ones.
MAX
No, no there won't. There'll be you, and a couple of absolute dogs. I've been to one of your parties before.
KATHERINE
Are you suggesting I can't stand the competition?
MAX
That's exactly what I'm suggesting.
KATHERINE
What about beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
MAX
For your information, I could see passed her continuous eye brow....
HE WAVES A FINGER BACK AND FORTH INDICATING A SINGLE EYEBROW.
MAX
And the fact that her side burns were more obvious than mine. It was her insistence that her greatest achievement in life thus far was to be runner up in a Jade Goody look-alike competition that turned me off..... Well, that and the snorting.
KATHERINE
Well, don't say I didn't invite you.
Characters were easy to follow and didnt meld together and confuse which was great all and all good project look foward to reading more 
