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I mentioned a sitcom idea I had in charley's 'Your sitcom, your actors' thread. And to quote myself...

"Actually I had an idea of a sitcom which would've been written for Rich Hall. Not sure if it was anygood, but I'll keep it under my hat for now."

Well with my time away from here, I had ago at it, bear in mind that I had Rich Hall in mind for this character, but it could be any grumpy looking person, American or not!

But I've convinced myself that this is a bad idea and I'd like to hear your thoughts, if you don't mind, thanks. It's just a few pages... (btw its set in the uk)

INT. CALL CENTRE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT
RICH SITS AT HIS DESK WEARING A HANDS FREE HEAD SET. HE TAKES A CALL WITH AN ANGRY WOMAN ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE.

RICH
Good afternoon. You’re through to the suggestions department. My name is Rich how may I help you?

WOMAN
Yes, I’d like to complain.

RICH
Why am I not surprised?

WOMAN
Sorry?

RICH
Apology excepted, thank you for calling the suggestions department, goodbye.

MIKE SITS NEXT TO RICH.

MIKE
You can’t do that, you’re going to get sacked.

RICH
Hey you know the rules, you can’t complain around here.

MIKE TYPES ON HIS KEYBOARD. RICH GETS A CALL.

RICH (CONT’D)
Good afternoon, you’re through to the suggestions department, my name is Rich, how may I help you?

MIKE
Stop being rude to the customers.

RICH
That’s cheating. Save that for the complainers.

ERIC WALKS UP TO RICH.

ERIC
Rich, Mr. Burns wants to see you.

RICH IGNORES ERIC.

ERIC (CONT’D)
Rich.

STILL IGNORING ERIC.
ERIC (CONT’D)

Rich.
STILL IGNORING ERIC.

ERIC (CONT’D)
Rich, Rich, Rich, Mr. Burns wants to see you.

MIKE SMILES. RICH FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGES ERIC.

RICH
Sorry Eric did you say something?

ERIC
No. (Pause) Yes. Mr. Burns wants to see you in his office.

RICH
Isn’t that picture of me enough for him?

RICH GETS UP AND FOLLOWS ERIC.

INT. MR. BURNS OFFICE.
MR. BURNS SITS BEHIND HIS DESK, HOLDING A FOLDER. RICH WALKS IN WITH ERIC FOLLOWING BEHIND.

MR. BURNS
Please Rich, take a seat.

RICH SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR ACROSS THE DESK FROM MR. BURNS. ERIC STANDS BEHIND
RICH WITH AUTHORITY.

MR. BURNS (CONT’D)
I have a folder here full of complaints.

RICH
Well sir, we are a complaints department.

MR. BURNS LAUGHS.

MR. BURNS
No, No, Rich, this is about you, there’s just an awesome amount here.

RICH
Why thank you sir, I try my best.

MR. BURNS
No, I mean these complaints are about you. Let me just give you some examples.

MR. BURNS RIFFLES THROUGH THE PAPERS.
(I'll insert some complaints here)

MR. BURNS (CONT’D)
Well Rich, I don’t know what to say? I’m disappointed with you.

ERIC SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT. RICH LOOKS DOWN.

RICH
Sir, did I ever tell you about the time I cattle drove 1500 wild cows across the good state Texas?

MR. BURNS
No but about these complaints.

RICH
Yep. 1500 wild cows and 1500 wild miles.

MR. BURNS LEANS IN TO LISTEN TO THE STORY.

ERIC
But sir, you can’t let him get away with it.

MR. BURNS
Can you please leave Eric and carry on with that filing.

ERIC
Yes sir.

ERIC MOPES OUT OF THE DOOR CLOSING IT BEHIND HIM TO REVEAL A POSTER OF RICH IN A COWBOY OUTFIT HOLDING A LASSO NEXT TO A BULL.

RICH
Yep, it was a hot Texas summer.

MR. BURNS
Do you want a Coca Cola?

RICH
Sure, that’ll be great.

MR. BURNS REACHES DOWN INTO A COOLER AND PICKS UP TWO CANS AND THROWS ONE TOWARDS RICH. HE THEN LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND PUTS HIS FEET ON THE DESK TO REVEAL COWBOY BOOTS.

RICH (CONT’D)
This Texas summer was extra hot....

FADE OUT.

Excellent. Lurrrrved the sugestions department and the show of cowboy boots at the end.
Write it.

Hi Lee. I think something based around a complaints department is a great idea for humour - loads of different scenarios could be discussed and played out. I'm not sure if there would be enough variety for a sit-com which would ideally be at least 2 series long (no more than that if you are Mr Gervais). Perhaps a one off comedy piece would be better suited - but hey, what the hell do I know!
As for the characters they seem interesting enough to make me want to read more so stick with this concept. One thing to ask on purely a cosmetic note is the way you have posted it. With no gaps between dialogues etc it is not as easy a read as it should be and if much longer would put me off reading it at all which is a shame as there is some good stuff in there. Maybe I'm just being a picky b*st*rd!
Stick with it Lee and if you write any more around this I would like to see it.
Good luck.
Andy W

Thanks Andy and Charely.

Andy, I can completely agree with the cosmetics of a posted script. It often puts me off reading. I used final draft to write it and it has no option (as far as I can see) to publish it in a nice easy to read formated way.

Anyway thanks, your comments are defiantly encouraging.

No probs mate - you could always go back into any post via the 'Edit' option and stick in the gaps. Just a thought.

Cheers,

Andy

I could...

Quote: Leevil @ April 9, 2007, 1:54 PM

I could...

View original

lol

"I could.." turned into "I did".

Well done the Evil Lee - much easier on the eye mate.

Andy

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It piqued my interest. However, I'd reconsider the name of "Mr Burns". Too strong a Simpsons similarity.

Thanks Snoops for picking this up, lol, the name was just temporary.

Second the Mr. Burns comment. Funny though and lots of promise - hits the ground running with the jokes and keeps you smiling. Rich is the only character that came alive for me though, so maybe add depth to the others? (e.g. the boss seemed a bit generic, even though it was a short extract)

Thanks Simon, yep totally agree, it's all very rough at the moment, I'll be posting a newer version in a few days.

I liked it a lot, but I dunno about a whole sitcom being made from it, I can imagine the whole premise getting old quickly... a possible one off or a sketch series but not a series.

Prove me wrong Leevil, Prove me wrong!