Noel is peeling grapes on the sofa. The toilet flushes and Jake walks out of the toilet.

Jake
That was a big one (pointing back to the toilet)

Noel
High Five

They high five each other and Jake sits on the sofa beside him

Jake
Why you peeling the grapes?

Noel
I figured we could make some meal out of them, like grape skin soup or something, this box of grapes is all the food we have left

Jake
Well then I think its time that (hesitates) you fill out that ASDA application form, I don’t want to starve. I want to die warm in my bed with my family around me like the old one in the titanic.

Noel
Why don’t you get a job then?!

Jake
You know…(annoyed) you know rightly why I don’t get a job! I am an inventor, that’s a profession. That’s why I don’t get a job. You ass!

Noel
What was the last thing you invented, mr inventor?

Jake
My spoon fork! ( brings out a plastic spoon with a plastic fork with a plastic fork attached to the other end)

Noel
You haven’t sold any yet, and I don’t mean to be mean, seriously I don’t but I can’t see anyone buying it basically.

Jake
Well yesterday I invented something else actually

Noel
What?

Jake
This! (brings out a sheet of paper)
Noel
You invented paper?

Jake
To the naked eye paper, to the inventors eye it’s a drinks keep away from rainer!

Noel
A what now?

Jake
If you lose the lid of your ribena or whatever on a wet day then you simply put this over it and stops the rain getting in!

Noel
Cool, it better get us some money because i have had nothing but grapes and cheese to eat in the last 2 weeks.

Jake
So while I promote my product you have to get the application form filled out!

Noel
I can’t not after what happened with Milly last week!

Jake
Are you still going on about that? What has you puking in her mouth when you thought she was leaning in for a kiss but she was actually only leaning to get her pink frilly purse behind you got to do with this?

Noel
There will be loads of pink frilly purses at the store! I can’t put myself through that I just can’t (holds back fake tears)

Jake
There won’t. Didn’t you hear, theres a ban on pink frilly purses now, cause they look too much like a big frilly pig which is racist against farmers apparently!

Noel
No there isn’t didn’t you see it on the news, there was a protest and everything…people were going mental.

2. Protest outside a shop

There are a dozen people outside a store waving boards about with pictures of pink frilly purses crossed out. They are chanting

Crowd
We want no more pink frilly purses in our stores as they are racist against the farmers and then they will poison our carrots, when do we want it? Now preferably but asap!!

3. Flat

Jake
I’m not buying it!

Noel
Because you can’t. They aren’t selling them no more, if people can’t take their pink frilly purses in to their supermarket then they don’t want them full stop.

Jake
Hmmm..(thinks) I could blend those grapes and make a juice!

Noel
Or you could fill in the application form

Jake
(shouts unnecessarily) Alright!! Gee stop going on about it, what are you my mother in law! Nag nag nag, that’s all you are. (thinks and then gasps) Oh my god! You are a nagger! (Points and looks at him as if there is something wrong with him)

Noel
I’m not

Jake
The stats don’t lie, 18% of the time you are a nagger which rounded up to the nearest ten is 20 therefore you multiply it by 5 and you are voila…hundred percenty nagger.

Noel
Okay sorry

Jake
See now I will fill in the form, because sorry is the hardest word. See, now that has moral, you don’t get that anywhere else. That’s kids TV show material.

Noel
Good times.

Jake
(brings out a fluorescent gold box with dust covering the lid, he brushes off the dust from the top of it and it reads “Box of dreams, he then brings out the application form delicately and rubs his cheek against it)
This is our time to shine, this is our meal ticket, this is our dinner money, this is our break-time milk, this is our…(looks in shock as he says…) meal ticket!