SCENE 1-2
ALBERT IS WALKING TO HIS TRAIN SHOULDERS SLUMPED HEAD DOWN
NARRATOR
And on the 23rd of March in the 2013th year of our me Albert Pilchard did set forth on a quest, he did not yet realise the nature of this...
ALBERT STOPS LOOKS AROUND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD AND PUTS HIS IPOD ON
NARRATOR (NOW EVEN LOUDER)
...quest, for Albert was the chosen one.
ALBERT TURNS UP HIS IPOD ALBERT COMPLETES HIS WALK TO THE STATION AND STANDS THERE.
NARRATOR
Albert was chose by God myself!
ALBERT PULLS HIS HEAD PHONES OFF AND LOOKS AROUND
ALBERT
Look who ever you are stop it. What is this some sort of hidden camera Jackass YouTube rip off?
NARRATOR
Albert
ALBERT
Shut up!
ALBERT STOPS AND TURNS AND LOOKS AROUND THE CROWDED PLATFROM THAT HAS SUDDENLY GONE SILENT AND IS STARING AT HIM
ALBERT
What are you all staring at? Sorry, I mean oops, I thought I heard God talking to me.
THE CROWD IS NOW CLEARING AWAY
ALBERT
Wait, don't, I'm not a nutter, wait I've got a copy of the God delusion in my bag.
ALBERT REACHES INTO HIS RUCKSACK AND THE CROWD BEGIN TO BACK AWAY ALARMED. LEAVING JENNY A SENSIBLE LOOKING WPC STANDING FACING HIM
JENNY
You feeling alright son? Been a bit hot today hasn't it?
ALBERT
Yes, oops sorry for all the fuss.
JENNY'S RADIO CRACKLES INTO LIFE
JENNY
Hello sarge? Yeh Male ic1, nutcase guess who's winning the office tazer pool.
ALBERT
You can't tazer me I sell double glazing.
NARRATOR
Some would consider that a very good reason.
ALBERT
Keep out of this God.
JENNY DRAWS HER TASER AND POINTS IT AT ALBERT
JENNY
I know it's a stressful day, maybe you'd like to speak to a counsellor?
SUDDENLY MERCY A VERY LARGE LADY BURSTS FROM THE CROWD AND EMBRACES ALBERT FORCING HIS FACE INTO HER AMPLE BOSOM
MERCY
Praise the Lord! He is a prophet you can not taser he who speaks for the almighty!
JENNY TASERS MERCY IN THE BOTTOM, MERCY GRIPS ALBERT INA VICE LIKE HUG BEFORE COLLAPSING ONTOP OF HIM.
JENNY INTO RADIO
Yeh sarge I won the pool, now we need 2 ambulances and a shovel.
SCENE 2
ABERT'S OFFICE, ALBERT IS SITTING OPPOSITE MR EVIL HIS BOSS.
ALBERT IS WEARING A NECK SUPPORT COLLAR
MR EVIL
...so the large Nigerian woman collapsed on you after the police woman tasered you for praying in public?
ALBERT
I wasn't praying. I'm an aetheist or an agnostic, any way I've got a copy of the God Delusion in my bag.
MR EVIL
Reading in work time?
ALBERT
No on the train to work.
MR EVIL
When you should be thinking about work! Not denying God's majestic creation and you're pitiful place in it.
ALBERT LOOKS UP AND CAN NOW SEE A HUGE CROSS ON THE WALL BEHIND MR EVIL, AND A LARGE WELL THUMBED BIBLE ON A LECTERN
NARRATOR
Albert wondered why he had never seen the Bible and the crucifix before.
ALBERT
Shut up God
MR EVIL
Get out!
ALBERT IS WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR
ALBERT
You know the funny thing is I expected you to sound a lot like Morgan Freeman.
NARRATOR
I get that a lot.
SCENE 3
ARTHUR PILCHARD IS SITTING IN A CUBICLE IN AN OPEN PLAN OFFICE, HE HAS A COMPUTER AND IS WEARING ONE OF THOSE PHONE HEAD SETS, THE ROOM IS FULL OF SIMILAR EMPLOYEES, OPPOSITE HIS SITS PENNY FANCIABLE, THERE ARE BIG ORANGE FLASHING LIGHTS LIKE YOU GET AT SUPERMARKETS SELF SCANS ABOVE EACH DESK
AP
.....so with the governments green credit and our generous credit terms, we're actually paying you to have windows installed.
NARRATOR
And on the 13th of October, me who are in Heaven decided to pass judgement on the sinners of postcode district WZ45. The slothful unemployed, the hate filled pensioners. I cast upon them a plague of telesales.....
AP
....oh God just shut up you interfering old git!
SILENCE DESCENDS ACROSS THE ROOM AS ALL THE TELEPHONISTS PUT THEIR CALLS ON HOLD AND LOOK AT HIM
PF
Arthur, you didn't did you. I'm going to have to press the red button.
AP
Wait Penny don't do that, please I can sort this.
AP TAKES THE CALL OFF HOLD
AP
Hello Mrs Niggerbater, sorry I mean, Nigbateau there was some um interference......now I don't think there's no need for that sort of language.......yes I know I called you an old git, but I didn't mean it, it's just Gods been getting on my tits all day....wait Penny
PF PRESSES A BIG RED BUTTON ON THE DESK, THE ORANGE LIGHT STARTS FLASHING
PF
Sorry Arthur it's for the best, like neutering a cat, it hurts but it stops balls up.
JUDY SINISTER, DRESSED IN THE KIND OF SEVERE BLACK SUIT, HAIR BUNNED OUTFIT DUBIOUS SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE MADE UP, SKATES OVER ON A BLACK KIDS SCOOTER, IT HAS A SMALL ORANGE FLASHING LIGHT ON THE HANDLEBAR
AP
Wait Mrs Niggerbater, I mean Nigerbuttocks, I mean I'll come and fit those windows myself.
JS STOPS BY THE DESK AND PLUGS HER HEADSET INTO AP's COMPUTER
AP
Yes Mrs Nigelbotox I'll put you through to my manager.
JS
Hello Mrs Nigbateau Judy Sinister team manager how can I help? Really he said that? ........and that? What a naughty boy. Now Mrs Nigbateau I can fire the little scamp, I can blacklist him from ever working in telesales or.....I can hit him with the phone receiver.....I thought that would be acceptable.
AP DROPS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS AND JS PULLS OUT A HAMMER AND A GAVEL
SHE SMACKS THE HAMMER FIRMLY ON THE GAVEL NEXT TO HER HEADSET, THEN GESTURES AT AP
AP
Ouch that really hurt, am I seeing stars or is that blood dripping into my eyes?
JS
I thought that would satisfy you Mrs Nigerbateau.
JS UNPLUGS HER HEADSET
JS
What do you say young man?
AP
Thank you Mizz Sinister.
JS
Right back to work galley slaves, poor Arthur's just stressed with that comedy gig he's got tonight.
JS GETS BACK ON HER SCOOTER AND SCOOTS AWAY INTO ANOTHER SCENE
AP
How did she ever talk me into doing that damn play.
PF
Oh you poor lonely thing, life's so hard for you, let me massage your tummy.
AP
Oh Penny this day isn't so bad, if I survive tonight do you fancy....
PF
Dude what are you talking about?
AP
I thought, you meant, tickling tummies.....
PF
I was talking to Azkhaban my cat, that's so funny, you better do that on the stage tonight
PF SWINGS HER MONITOR AROUND WE CAN SEE ON THE SCREEN IS PF'S SCROFULOUS LOOKING CAT, GLOWERING INTO ONE OF THOSE PET CAMS WHAT LET YOU TALK TO YOUR PET FROM WORK.
AP
That's it I'm going out for a none smoking break!
AP STORMS OUT, WE CUT TO HIM IN THE SMOKING AREA NEAR THE BINS AP HAS HIS MOBILE OUT AND IS FIDDLING WITH IT
NARRATOR
And Arthur thought atleast God seems to have stopped speaking to me, maybe my schizophrenia has cleared up.
AP DROPS HIS PHONE AND SCRABBLES AROUND TO PICK UP
NARRATOR
And Arthur planned to cancel his gig at the Chuckling Chimps amateur, despite it being for charity and all of his colleagues coming to watch him.
AP FREEZES
AP
Oh crapola.
NARRATOR
With a sinful line about painful diarea, even though God myself wanted to see what comedy was like, it not having been around 3000 years ago and would wipe out humanity......
AP
Ha yeh right, take that voices in my head, I don't believe you.
PF STICKS HER HEAD AROUND THE SMOKING SHELTER
PF
Hey Arthur fancy coming down the pub?
AP
Yeh sure, hang on how come Baldymort and the twat lady let you out early?
PF
Oh the world's about to end it was on BBC news 24, something about a meteorite and terrorist Mormons with atom bombs. Fox were concerned the president was a homo, come on we might get a round in before it's over.
AP
Fine God you win.
NARRATOR
Said Arthur defeated by the omnipotence of the almighty.
AP STICKS TO FINGERS UP AT THE SKY
JS OOV
The world is not about to end get back to work. Back to work slaves
PF
Come on Arthur lets go down the pub.
AP
But the world it's not ending.....
PF
Yeh well we were down the pub before we heard. Come on we cans stop off at my flat on the way.
AP SMILES
PF
Azkhaban was looking peeky I want to change his milk.
NARRATOR
...cats are an abomination unto me.
AP
You said it.
