EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
We See a very stressed out dad standing at a bus stop with his two teenage daughters and young son.

DAD
To be honest kids, I think its
the only way.

DAUGHTER 1
But, dad!

DAUGHTER 2
She's right dad, don't you think
its going to be a bit weird?

A very well dressed OLD MAN and OLD LADY stop at the bus stop and stand beside the family.

DAD
Right kids, here's how we're gona
do it, you shave her, she'll shave you,
and then you can both come and shave
me and your brother.

The old man and old lady tut with disgust and walk away from the family.

DAUGHTER 1
Can't we just get the thing
and the doofer that goes
with it?

DAD
Yeah, I suppose NIT shampoo and a comb would
be better than shaving.

The bus pulls in, the family walk towards it.

THE END!

I quite like this but I think the ending needs to be shorter, maybe the daughter could just say " Dad can't we just use Nit shampoo?"

I think the main problem with this is the word shave, which isn't particularly shocking - the idea of a family shaving one another just sounds bizarre, and wouldn't shock the old couple, just puzzle them. It's not as if he says "shag", for example.

Quote: beaky @ March 25 2013, 9:20 AM GMT

I think the main problem with this is the word shave, which isn't particularly shocking - the idea of a family shaving one another just sounds bizarre, and wouldn't shock the old couple, just puzzle them. It's not as if he says "shag", for example.

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Sorry to sound like a plank, but how many people do you know that have ever "shagged" nits out of hair? (or shag their own family for that matter!) so he's not going say "shag" is he? that would be silly and a little bit "Gary Glitter"

The idea of the family "shaving" each other is supposed to sound bizarre and misleading, and its the fact that the old couple have walked in on the conversation at the wrong time and got confused and a little disgusted. Its called innuendo!

It's the best way to get rid of nits, believe me.

Quote: beaky @ March 25 2013, 10:52 AM GMT

It's the best way to get rid of nits, believe me.

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Sorry, Nigel, but it didn't feel like a very strong idea and the reveal didn't elicit any mirth from me.

Quote: Ben @ March 25 2013, 1:18 PM GMT

Sorry, Nigel, but it didn't feel like a very strong idea and the reveal didn't elicit any mirth from me.

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No worries Ben, its nothing serious, I'm just passing time while I try to find an end to a script that I'm writing at the moment.

Cheers for reading it though.