ENGLISH LESSONS FOR DOCTORS

SENIOR DR:Good morning, Doctor. Thank you for coming in to see me this morning. Now as you know, we need to be responsible for checking the language and communication skills of all staff. I'm afraid I have a few reservations about yours.

BEAKERinaudible) Mee-mee-mee mee.

SENIOR DR:You see what I mean, Beaker? I can't understand a word you're saying.

BEAKER:Mee-mee.

SENIOR DR:What?

BEAKER:Mee-mee-mee-mee.

SENIOR DR:Who's covered in trifle?

BEAKER:Mee-mee-meeeee.

SENIOR DR:Gastroenteritis of the foot? What on earth gives you that idea?

BEAKER:Mee-mee-mee-mee.

SENIOR DRee it's not just the communication barrier. It's some of the damage you've caused in the lab. You set yourself on fire last week trying to remove a verruca.

BEAKER:Mee-mee-mee-mee-mee-mee-mee.

SENIOR DR:I don't want to hear it, Beaker. I don't think you're suitable I'm afraid. I'm going to have to dismiss you.

BEAKER:Mee-mee-mee.

SENIOR DR:It's all me, me, me with you, isn't it? Right, send in your friend Dr Bunsen Honeydew. How he's managed to be a doctor for so long without any eyes I'll never know.

END

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AWARDS SEASON

JUSTIN:The Oscars coverage is a lot like having a teenage daughter. There's lots of questions about what they're wearing and it goes out far too late. Although they're seen as the shining pinnacle of the awards season, the most important ceremony is actually taking place tonight. We cross live now to our showbiz reporter, Polly N'Saturate, who is live on the red carpet at the Awards for Oscars coverage. Polly, what's going on where you are?

POLLYD) Hi Justin, it is literally a melting pot of activity here. These are the first annual awards for Oscar night coverage, awarding the very best in sticking a microphone in people's faces and asking tricky questions, such as "who are you wearing" and "how does it feel to sit down for four hours." Everyone's here from BBC Breakfast and Sky News, to that orange guy in the studio who becomes a critic overnight.

JUSTIN:You're up for a few awards yourself Polly, aren't you?

POLLYD) Yes I'm up for best over-pronunciation of Les Miserables.

JUSTIN:And you're also up for longest satellite delay?

PREGNANT PAUSE

POLLYD) Yes that's correct. Oh look, there's that woman who judges everyone's fashion on the night. She's up for the "people in glass houses" award. This is all so exciting.

F/X:TANNOY ANNOUCEMENT

TANNOYD) The next train leaving from platform one is the 8:24 service to Southend Victoria, calling at...

JUSTIN:Where are you exactly, Polly?

POLLYD) Erm...Los Angeles.

JUSTIN:It sounds like you're at Liverpool Street station.

POLLYD) No I'm not.

JUSTINolly, be honest. There isn't really such thing as the Awards for Oscars coverage is there?

POLLYD) Yes there is.

JUSTINolly...

POLLYD) (SIGH) Fine...I made them up. I wanted to get involved with the glitz and the glamour.

JUSTINchuckles) There's plenty of glamour working for Newsjack surely?

POLLYD) I guess.

JUSTIN:Great. Oh can you pick me up a vanilla latte and a pasty?

F/X:LINE GOES DEAD

END

Great comparison between Oscars and teen daughter. I kind of understand the first sketch - I mean I know he's a character from the muppets (right?) but that's the start and end of my knowledge so bit lost on me.

First one relies on knowledge of Sesame Street being conveyed to the radio audience in a way that you haven't quite managed.

Second one, in my opinion, has that much-desired killer idea - it's great: awards for covering awards. And it peaks with the satellite delay, which I loved. But after that it loses focus for me, because the funny idea was having these awards, not someone pretending to have them.

Hi Kev

First one desperately needs something to happen to show that communication failure results in catastrophe. If he's spent the whole scene trying to convey he's on fire without the other Dr realising despite the F/X, that would have been better.

I did like the 'it's all me, me, me' line though.

Agree with Badge on the second one. If the awards were actually taking place, you have a better sketch. If she was lying about being at the Oscars, that is okay, but not lying about a made-up awards ceremony. It's one or the other. Agree that it starts well and is great up to the satellite delay.

Dan

Cheers all. This is the best way of 5pm Thursday closure!