This is a scene from 'Re:Tracing Oscar'. It's the only scene that I think can be taken 'out of context' opinions / suggestions would be much appreciated.

INT. ‘THE LUSH LOUNGE’ PUB/BAR. NIGHT.

JOSH, SIMON AND DESPERATE ARE STARING AT MENUS.

A BARMAID HOVERS - ORDER PAD AT THE READY.

THIS IS CASSIE, FLEET OF FOOT AND MOUTH.

SHE OBSERVES THEIR CONCENTRATION, THEN RAT-A-TAT-TATS AN EMPTY GLASS WITH HER PEN.

CASSIE
I’m on me break ‘ere lads.
Soon as you’ve chosen like.
No pressure or owt.
You just take your time.

DESPERATE SLAPS HIS MENU SHUT.

DESPERATE
I’ve made a decision. I’ll have me usual Cassie.

CASSIE
Lincolnshire, Cumberland, sun dried tomato or Italian herb?

DESPERATE
Italian Herb. Make sure he doesn’t burn ‘em again.

CASSIE
We’ve gone gastro Desperate. It’s called char-grilling.

DESPERATE
Eh?

CASSIE
Never Mind. Curly chips or normal?

DESPERATE
Normal. Gotta be. Curly ones are always
cold by the time you’ve delivered ‘em.
They don’t retain the heat. No bulk to ‘em.

JOSH PRODS DESPERATE’S AMPLE STOMACH. FEIGNS CONCERN.

JOSH
You must be boiling mate.

DESPERATE SCOWLS.

CASSIE
Remind me Desperate. Where’s your girlfriend tonight?

DESPERATE
Don’t have a girlfriend.

CASSIE
That’s right. My mistake.
Remind me to ask you again when your forty.

SHE TURNS TO JOSH AND SIMON.

CASSIE (CONT’D)
What you ‘avin Josh?

JOSH
You know what I’d like Cassie.

SHE PLAYFULLY RAT-A-TAT-TATS HIS HEAD WITH HER PEN.

CASSIE
Get it through your thick skull.
No. No. No. No. No.

JOSH
Shame. I wouldn’t just watch. I’d join in...

HE WINKS AT HER.

JOSH (CONT’D)
I’ll have to settle for the same as Desperate then.

CASSIE
Shame. A life of wanking yourself silly.
(BEAT) Italian herb it is then. What about your mate?

SIMON HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.

SIMON
Hi, I’m Simon.

CASSIE DOESN’T SHAKE HIS HAND. SHE INSPECTS IT.

CASSIE.
Oooh get you. Clean fingernails. That’s a first in ‘ere.

SIMON
I don’t really fancy anything on here.
Don’t you have any pasta or couscous?

SOUND OF A VINYL RECORD BEING SCRATCHED ABRUPTLY INTO SILENCE.
THE WHOLE PUB LOOKS ROUND AT SIMON.

CASSIE
We’re gastro love, not bistro.

JOSH
Simon. Simon. Simon. Look around.
The finest beer known to man.

HE POINTS TO THE BAR.

JOSH (CONT’D)
On tap.
Girls practically throwing themselves at you. (
BEAT) Well, Cassie.

CASSIE CURTSIES.

JOSH (CONT’D)
And you want pasta and couscous?

SIMON
Not together. Not on the same plate.

DESPERATE
You’re looking at it all wrong Simon.

SIMON SCOURS THE MENU AGAIN.

SIMON
No. Still no pasta.

JOSH
Your worse than Debbie.
I came here for a break from all that crap.
Food is food Simon, however it’s dressed up.

DESPERATE
No. You’re wrong. I don’t want to pick an
argument but you’re wrong.

JOSH SHRUGS, WINKS AT CASSIE AND FEIGNS INTEREST.

DESPERATE (CONT’D)
You’re always calling me a fat bastard.

JOSH
You are mate. You only just realised?

DESPERATE
I know I’m fat. But that gives me some
insight into modern cuisine so hear me out.

CASSIE
Oooh we’re all ears, aren’t we lads?

SIMON
Err…

DESPERATE
Simon can’t find anything he likes off the menu right?
But he’s from London. Comes down to lack of knowledge.

SIMON
I think I know what burger and chips means Desperate.

DESPERATE
But this is not just any burger and chips.

LOW LEVEL MUSIC KICKS IN. (Albatross / Fleetwood Mac 1969. M%S Advertising Music) DESPERATE ADOPTS A CALM, SOOTHING VOICE.

DESPERATE (CONT’D)
This is the finest Yorkshire beef,
from herds grazed on the lush green pastures
of the Yorkshire dales.
Delicately minced and marinated with carefully
selected spices from ancient India.
Blended with Peruvian light skinned onions.

THE MUSIC HALTS ABRUPTLY.

CASSIE
You angling for a job or sommat?...

THE MUSIC KICKS IN AGAIN.

DESPERATE
…Drizzled with the finest oils and
seared on flames of the highest temperature.

THE MUSIC STOPS. DESPERATE CATCHES HIS BREATH.
HE’S RED FACED BUT DETERMINED. THEY ALL STARE AT HIM.
MUSIC KICKS IN AGAIN.

DESPERATE (CONT’D)
Presented with chipped potatoes from the
premium crop and wrapped in a light burger
roll delicately dusted with the finest flour.

SIMON
Wow. All that for two ninety five?

CASSIE
We don’t inflate prices artificially here Simon.
Not like London.

SIMON
I’m persuaded. Burger and Chips please Cassie.

JOSH
Good choice.

I think it needs more jokes Flicker, also the M and S thing has been done to death on stage, radio and TV. If you are going to set the scene in a restaurant/pub I would try to keep the restaurant/pub jokes down to 1 or 2 lines. People always talk about stupid things in restaurants to fill awkward silences so maybe you should focus on that. e.g. 'Did you hear...'

The characters appear to be OK but as this scene has no context I can't really tell. I think you should make Cassie either apathetic or impatient.

But the scene was good and bits were funny it just neeeds a re-write.

Thanks AJP29. Much appreciated, both for taking the time to read it and also for your constructive crit. It is difficult with scenes out of context but I'm glad of your advice. It was the weakest scene I think I've written hence the reason for posting it, to get views on how it can be improved. The character Cassie only appears once in the episode and I was trying to give her a laid back but sarcastic tone. That clearly hasn't worked very well so I need to revisit her character and Dialogue.

Thanks also for the info on the M&S bit. I hadn't realised this had been done to death so that's the first thing I'll remove and replace. The whole thing runs to 35 pages in final draft so I might be able to just delete this scene.

Thanks again, really appreciated.

Hi Flicker

I enjoyed this scene and felt that you had managed to get 'mates in a pub in a comedy' down very well. I know what AJP meant but would not entirely agree as these guys are there, presumably for comedic purposes, so IMO 'normal' chat may not be as relevant in this situation.

The dialogue flowed nicely and the pacing was good too.

Impossible to form a view of it overall for obvious reasons but I'd be interested to see more.

Cheers B

Thanks Blenkinsop.

It is always difficult to take stuff out of a script and put it up for comments: not because of a scared 'putting stuff out there for people to throw stones at you' kind of thing (although there's always a little bit of that I guess); but because it's difficult to put a random scene into context.

This scene falls in the middle of a 30 minute script.

I was using this scene, primarily, to primarily place Simon (He's a news presenter up from London to Leeds where the sitcom is supposed to be set)in among the local crowd in the local pub.

I've got mixed views on it myself so it's really helpful to get different opinions. Thank you.

I might put an earlier, much shorter scene up which might put the whole thing in context.

I would put sketches up but I've never written any!! So good on those who've put sketch threads on here.