Good work and special thanks for contributing in this period of frantic Newsjacking off! This week I won so I'll PM myself for next week's topic. I won't really, it's a joke.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
2 - 5 - Tursiops
1 - 1 - Gappy, Stylee Ting Ting
Special mention: Stephen Birch

Your new subject: CINEMA (chosen by Gappy)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the kid at school who masturbated all over my rugby kit, I know who you are.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.10.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

27 - 1 - Gappy
20 - 2 - Lazzard
15 - 3 - Overlay, Tursiops
11 - 4 - Ishy
10 - 5 - Michael Monkhouse,
5 - 6 - Judgement Dave, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 7 - Stylee Ting Ting, Steve Sunshine

[SERGIO LEONE's office. Enter ELI WALLACH. Both are just British men, no effort should be made in terms of visual appearance or accent]

SERGIO: Ah, there you are, Eli Wallach, as I live and breathe! Come in, come in.

ELI: Thank you, Mr Leone.

SERGIO: Call me Sergio, please. Now, let's get down to the, err, gristle. I'm making a new film, and I'd very much like you to be in it. In fact you were the first person who came to mind for the role.

ELI: Well, that would be wonderful. I must confess I'm a bit of an admirer.

SERGIO: Fantastic. It's going to be the third in my "dollars" trilogy - are you familiar with the other two films?

ELI: Very much so, they're amongst my favourites. So, what's the new one called? I Could Do With Some Further Dollars? Would You Mind Just Holding These Dollars For A Minute?

SERGIO: It's called The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.

ELI: Wow, no dollars at all; nice twist!

SERGIO: Thank you, I thought so. You see, it's about these three men. Now, one's good, one's bad and...and, there's a third one, and they're all looking for some gold.

ELI: Sounds brilliant. And you want me to be the good one, yeah? I reckon I'd pull that off.

SERGIO: No. Yes. Well, I'm sure you could, Eli, but there are two things to mention quickly: one is that, he's not entirely good, there's a sort of moral ambiguity thing going on, and secondly, we already have Clint Eastwood cast - sort of links the trilogy, you know.

ELI: Right, I got you. Can't have a dollars film without Clint. So, I'm going to be the bad, right? Quick sample: Grrrrrr.

SERGIO: Yes, well - gosh, that is powerful - but I'm afraid that role has gone to Lee van Cleefe already.

ELI: Oh, he is good.

SERGIO: Yes, we're quite happy with him. No, no, the, erm, the, the part I'd had in mind for you was the, erm, Ugly. I think you're perfect for it. I can't think of a better actor to play the part!

ELI: Right. I don't know what to...Well. I mean, thanks, but-

SERGIO: Yes, I thought of you immediately. I'd say you're staggeringly ugly.

ELI: I don't know about that

SERGIO: Oh, don't be modest, Eli. You're quite phenomenally unattractive. Just the other day my secretary was observing that you're quite the most deformed, disfigured thespian she could think of. And in the trade - I probably shouldn't tell you this - you're considered by directors to be the most grotesquely unaesthetic presence in motion pictures, and there's nobody else worth considering if you're looking for plain old ugliness. Do you see?

ELI: I...I do now, yes. Well, listen, Sergio, as I say I'm a big admirer, but I just don't think I want to be Ugly.

SERGIO: Well, there's not much you can do about -

ELI: No, no, I mean in the film. I'm sure it's a well written part, but I don't know if it would do my career any good to be plastered all over town as The Ugly.

SERGIO: OK, OK, I hear you, Eli. Can't be easy to be known as The Ugly, I understand. Tell, you what : if you play The Ugly in this film, I'll cast you as the starring role of my next picture.

ELI: Really? Well, that clinches it, then. Sergio, I'm in!

SERGIO: Excellent, you won't regret it. Filming starts next week.

ELI: Wonderful. Thank you. Before we go, what's the name of the next film?

SERGIO: It's called Look At That Twat!

[Cut to film credits, "Look At That Twat". Fade to "A film by Sergio Leone, starring Eli Wallach". Fade to picture of ELI looking uncomfortable and sad, in an ill fitting clown outfit. Sounds of jeering around him, occasionally a pointing finger enters the frame, and at one point somebody knocks his hat off. Cries such as "Look at that twat", "Hey, what a twat", "Jesus, isn't he ugly!", and so on. ELI sighs deeply.]

Thanks Gappy! I'm keeping this open another week, I think everyone's busy with Newsjack.
PS Yes Mr Dave, in the words of the albino with diarrhea, Fair Do's. However there was just one entry after a week so...

Fair enough: I did have an extra week to write mine, which is the advantage of choosing the theme.

INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO BOSS'S OFFICE

STUDIO BOSS:
Ok, Pitch it to me.

SCREENWRITER:
Right, There's this cop who's a single father with a 12 year old son. He's working on a really grizzly serial killer case. While he's investigating the case he learns that his son has a supernatural gift, the ability to hear when someone is thinking evil thoughts. The son wants to help, but the father refuses as he thinks it's far to dangerous, but when his ex-wife, the kid's mother, is taken by the serial killer, he allows his son to use his gift to help save his mother.

STUDIO BOSS:
I love it, absolutely love it. So what's it based on?

SCREENWRITER:
What do you mean, based on?

STUDIO BOSS:
Is it based on a TV show, is it a remake, or a sequel?

SCREENWRITER:
Oh, no, it's an original idea, with original characters and an original script.

STUDIO BOSS:
[SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH]
We don't use the 'O' word around here.
[STUDIO BOSS STARTS AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF]
Hey guys wanna go to the movies this weekend.
Sure what do you want to go see.
Well there's this new movie out, it's about something we've never heard of before.
Sounds great, let's go see that.
[TURNS BACK TO SCREENWRITER]
See how ridiculous that is, it would never happen, people don't want original, they want something they've already seen. TV adaptations, comic book adaptations, video game tie-ins, films of best selling books that they've already read, re-makes, re-imaginings, re-tellings, re-boots, prequels, sequels and spin-offs. Anything except originality.

SCREENWRITER:
It looks like I've wasted your time then, I'll be on my way.

STUDIO BOSS:
Not so fast, I like the cop, psychic son, serial killer idea, we just need to tweak it a little to make it not quite so... original.

SCREENWRITER:
How do you mean?

STUDIO BOSS:
Well how about this. The cop is Joey from Friends. We can make it as a Friends spin off.

SCREENWRITER:
No! That wouldn't work at all.

STUDIO BOSS:
Yeah, you're right, Joey has already had a Friends spin-off. Chandler would work much better.

SCREENWRITER:
Absolutely not.

STUDIO BOSS:
OK, just throwing out ideas here, maybe the serial killer could be Freddy Kruger, we could re-boot the Nightmare on Elm Street series.

SCREENWRITER:
I'm leaving
[STANDS UP]

STUDIO BOSS:
Wait, wait, I'll come up with something you'll like. So the cop and the psychic son, how about if instead of being father and son, they were.... Wallace and Gromit. Everyone loves Wallace and Gromit.

[SCREENWRITER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR]

STUDIO BOSS:
Wait, I have one last idea. we will use your original characters, your original idea and original script, but we will set it in the World of Warcraft, it could
totaly work as a video game tie-in.

SCREENWRITER:
No! No! No! I want to make an original movie, I don't want a video game tie-in! I didn't come here to make Pac-man the bloody movie.
[SCREENWRITER LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM]

STUDIO BOSS:
[TO HIMSELF]
Pac-man the movie, that's absolutely brilliant! Why didn't he pitch that idea first instead of that crummy cop movie?

Ext: A windswept, raining, grotty looking city street
The camera spots and follows a man dressed in a dark raincoat and baseball cap as he moves furtively up the street. He reaches an entrance to an old style movie theatre and goes inside

Int: A darkened cinema room
Our figure enters and the light momentarily shows a screen of similarly perverted-looking men simulating naughty acts alone and in pairs and groups
Our figure wanders down the aisle, find a seat and slips down low into it.
The camera pans towards the screen to display the title of the movie 'The Jimmy Savile Story'

The crowd: (in a perverted way) Yeahhhhh

The Screen: 'A BBC Production'

The Crowd: Oh for f**ks sake

Camera pans away

Savile: Uh UH UH etc Howsaabout that then boys and girls?

END

TRUE STORY

Cinema's Cameron Diaz is one of the few ladies who can remain fully-clothed and still earn my man-milk. Well done!
My worst wank was Melanie C on TFI Friday. Thanks to misuse of the pause function I shot my wad all over Chris Evans. I would, in the words of Melanie herself, Never Be The Same Again... Still, no use crying over spilt milk.
I use this story to break the ice at parties. I don't get invited to parties much. Not since my nephew's third birthday.

Inside a small, fleapit cinema - the film is on.

On screen a man in a obviously not-real policeman uniform has stopped a scantily dressed woman in a sportscar. A 70s porno soundtrack complete with waah-waah guitar completes the low budget skinflick being shown.

WOMAN: I'm sorry officer... er..?

POLICEMAN: Hardon. Officer Rock Hardon. Out of the car please, ma'am.

She gets out.

WOMAN: I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have jumped that red light - I just can't help it. I'm so naughty. I need punishing.

POLICEMAN: Assume the position.

The cop bends the woman over the car bonnet, pulls her hands behind her back and slaps handcuffs on them.

WOMAN: Are you arresting me officer? Can't we come to some (beat) arrangement?

POLICEMAN: I don't think we need to take you to the station - I just need to take down your (beat) particulars.

Cut to an old couple in the audience (MARY and BERT). In the film we hear a zip being undone and the waah-waah guitar gets louder...

WOMAN (in the film): Ooh - you're packin' heat...

MARY looks somewhat shocked.

MARY: I really don't know why you brought me here, Bert.

BERT: But Mary... you said you liked this sort of thing at the movies.

MARY: Oh we need to get your hearing aid looked at. POP-CORN, Bert - I said I love POP-CORN.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ October 6 2012, 2:28 PM BST

Thanks Gappy! I'm keeping this open another week, I think everyone's busy with Newsjack.

View original

Only just seen this after doing my hastily written entry for this week/fortnight.

Shame it's being extended a week as the skit comp has been great for making me write a sketch I wouldn't usually have done each week or so. It's good to have an external topic and a deadline, even if it's just for fun.

Hi Michael. If you are indeed extending this till next week might it be an idea to change the thread title?

Sure but as Mama says to me every day, You can't.

Oh right. Carry on then. Hi to your mama

A good week. 404 not found deserves a mention cos that is so true but I think I'll go with Gappy; some laugh out loud moments.

My vote this week also goes to Gappy

I also liked Gappy's entry, but think I'll go with 404 this week.

GAP E for me