Congratulations to GAPPY for winning. Be as happy as is possible without the use of Melanie C and a bicycle repair kit, and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
7! - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Judgement Dave, Overlay
Special mention: Steve Sunshine, me

Your new subject: NICKNAMES (chosen by Stylee TingTing)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the kid at school who masturbated all over my rugby kit, I know who you are.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.9.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

26 - 1 - Gappy
20 - 2 - Lazzard
15 - 3 - Overlay
11 - 4 - Ishy
10 - 5 - Tursiops
5 - 6 - Judgement Dave, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 7 - Steve Sunshine

I've broken my own rule here by posting an old sketch that I put up on this site once before...but, when I wrote it back in January, it was the first sketch I'd written since being in the VI form, over half my life ago, so I do have a soft spot for it. PLus I'm going away for abit, so I won't have time to write anything new this week. Anyway, enough waffling, more sketching.

....................

IVAN:Hear this! I, Ivan the Wise welcome thee, Ranald the Valiant, to this council

RANALD: Well met, Ivan the Wise

IVAN: My welcome to the meadbench I also extend unto you, Elspeth the Dour.

ELSPETH: [DEEP SIGH] Greetings.

IVAN: Who would stand before this mighty congress for judgement?

CONAN: I

IVAN: Ha ha! If it isn't my old battle brother, Conan the Barbarian! Hail, swordmaster!

CONAN: Right, yes, hail.

RANALD: What ails thee, Conan the Barbarian?

CONAN: Well, basically, that.

IVAN: I, Ivan the Wise, cannot perceive your meaning, Conan the Barbarian.

CONAN: You're doing it again. I don't like being called Conan the Barbarian, I think it's patronising.

IVAN: You must explain your intent, companion in gore.

CONAN: Well, look, you're Ivan the Wise, right? And next to you is Ranald the Valiant.

RANALD: And you're Conan the Barbarian, the greatest blade in the northern -

CONAN: Yes, yes, that's all very well, but nobody would know it from my name, would they? All you can tell from my little sobriquet is that I was born in Barbary. I mean, that doesn't define me. Barbarian isn't who I am, it's just incidental biographical data.

ELSPETH: So, how would you rather be named, O great Conan the...person asking about his name?

CONAN: I don't know, something more...how about Conan the Pillager? Conan the Dread? Conan the Indiscriminate Rapist? These are things people associate with me, they don't care about random bits of my birth certificate.

RANALD: I feel I can solve this quandary, my friends. Surely Barbarian does mean those things.

CONAN: What?

IVAN: Barbarians are synonymous with bad behaviour. Pillage, rape, the whole business. It's a sort of shorthand to say "Barbarian" when you mean naughty person.

CONAN: That just makes it worse! Are you equating my whole nation with nefarious activity?

IVAN: Well...

CONAN: I thought you were just patronising me, but it turns out you're prejudiced against all of us now. Hey, how would you like it if I started imputing that your nation was full of ne'erdowells?

IVAN: Nobody would say that about the Vandals!

CONAN: Well, maybe not, but you wouldn't like it. And, Elspeth, what if I started swanning about making crude generalisations about the Goths?

ELSPETH: I'd be sad.

CONAN: Exactly! So, I propose a change: stop making rash judgments about your colleagues' backgrounds, and don't confuse the things that make them different from you with the things that make them special. It's a simple question of respect.

RANALD: Well spoken, Conan the Egalitarian!

ELSPETH: I feel sad I've been so blinkered over the years. So very sad.

IVAN: I decree we shall follow Conan's sage advice from hereon. Let it be recorded for the annals! Bring forth the scribe! Who is our cleric today?

RANALD: Steve the Ginger Cripple. But he's gone home sick.

CONAN: Bloody typical of his sort.

Okay. I've recorded this one. Recommended that you download the audio and listen as you scroll down the text. Here's the audio link:

Audio - Nicknames

Here's the text:

FADE IN

EXTERIOR: AQUEDUCT RACETRACK, NEW YORK. TWO ARCHETYPAL NEW YORK MAFIOSI ARE SHOOTING THE BREEZE, WHILST WAITING FOR THE ACTION TO START.

#1 Hey.. how youse doin?

#2 Hey.. how youse doin?

#1 You seen Tommy T?

#2 Tommy T? Tommy T?

#1 Yeah.. Tommy T..

#2 Tommy T.. lemme tink.. hmmmm...

Tommy wears da trenchcoat Tommy?

#1 Naaah.. dat's Tommy T.. ah'm tawkin about Tommy T.. Tommy T..

#2 Hmmmm...

Tommy playza lotta golf Tommy?

#1 Naaaah.. dat's Tommy Tee.. ah'm tawkin about Tommy T..

Tommy Tea..

.. don't drink no coffee..

#2 Oh.....!!

I don't seen nuttin'.. and I wuzn't dare..

#1 Oh.....!!

Well.. ya loin sumtin noo, every day..

You seen Vinny G?

#2 Vinny G?

#1 Sure... Vinny G..

#2 Vinny goldtooth Vinny?

#1 Naah.. dat's Vinny G.. ah'm tawkin about Vinny G..

Vinny G..

#2 Vinny bets on da horses Vinny?

#1 Naaah.. dat's Vinny GG..

..ah'm tawkin about Vinny G.. Vinny G..

..da guy who sez "Geeeeeee.." all da time..

#2 Oh.....!!

I don't seen nuttin'.. and I wuzn't dare..

#1 Oh....!!

Well.. ya loin sumtin noo, every day..

You seen Pauly P?

#2 Do I'se seen Pauly pee?

!!

Naaah.. naaah.. I-I ain't never bin in no john wid no Pauly..

Deyse wuz juz rumours..

#1 Huh?!! Naaaaaaaaah! Ah'm tawkin about Pauly P.. Pauly P..

#2 Pauly gotta weak bladder Pauly, right?

#1 Naaaaah.. dat's Pauly Pee.. ah'm tawkin about Pauly P.. Pauly P..

#2 Pauly talks like a parrot Pauly?

#1 Naaaaaaah.. dat's Pretty Pauly..

..ah'm tawkin about Pauly P.. Pauly Pea..

Grows his own vegetables..

#2 Oh....!!

I don't seen nuttin'.. and I wuzn't dare..

#1 Oh....!!

Well.. ya loin sumtin noo, every day..

Hey.. hey.. c'mere.. c'mere...

You uuuh.. you uuuuh.. you seen... Ex-Mickey?

#2 X-Mickey? Ya mean.. Mickey da mutant Mickey?

#1 Naaah.. dat's X-Mickey.. I'm tawkin about Ex-Mickey..

#2 Mickey keeps chickens Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaah! Dat's Eggs Mickey.. ah'm tawkin about Ex-Mickey.. "Ex-Mickey"... ya know?

#2 Mickey asshole Mickey?

#1 Naaah.. dat's Mickey A..

#2 I taught dat wuz deaf Mickey..?

#1 Naaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey Eh?

#2 ??

Mickey always buzzin' aroun' Mickey?

#1 Naaah.. dat's Mickey Bee..

#2 Mickey lives on da beach Mickey?

#1 Naaaah.. dat's Mickey Sea..

#2 Mickey got cancer Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey Big C..

#2 Mickey always gotsa hundred dollar bill in his top pocket Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey C-Note..

#2 Mickey Soprano?

#1 Naaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey High C-Note..

#2 Mickey makes funna everyting Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaaah.. dat's Mickey Taking..

Ah'm tawkin' about Ex-Mickey.. ya know?

"Ex-Mickey"..

#2 Mickey dumbass Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey D..

#2 Mickey sellza lotta pills Mickey?

#1 Naaah! Dat's Mickey E..

#2 Mickey sexaholic Mickey?

#1 Naaaaah! Dat's Mickey F..

Ah'm tawkin' about Ex-Mickey.. ya know?

"Ex-Mickey"..

#2 Mickey always betsa thousand dollars a pop Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey G..

#2 Mickey sellza lotta scag Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey H..

#2 Mickey blind Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey Eye..

#2 Mickey got da new cellphone Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaaaaah.. dat's iMickey..

#2 Mickey always smoking marryawanna Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey Jay..

Ah'm tawkin about Ex-Mickey, ya know? Ex-Mickey..

#2 Mickey always stays in line Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey Queue.

#2 I taught dat wuz Mickey playza lotta pool Mickey?

#1 Naaaaaaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey Cue.

#2 Mickey sez 'you' all da time?

#1 Dat's Mickey U.

#2 Sure! Mickey sez 'you, you' all da time.

#1 Naaaaaaaah! Dat's Mickey W.

#2 Oh. Mickey always askin questions Mickey?

#1 Dat's Mickey Y. Ah'm tawkin about Ex-Mickey, ya know. Ex-Mickey.. da guy we whacked, down da waterfront.

#2 Oh...!!

I don't seen nuttin.. and I wuzn't dare..

#1 Huh? Oh...!! Heh heh.. yeah.. funny guy..

Ya see? Ya loin sumtin noo, every day.

FADE OUT

JULIAN SCARY

TV STUDIO.
VERY GAY PRESENTER:

PRESENTER Good evening lezzers and gender-men and welcome to the 'Raving Bender', Channel 69's 'Les-Bi-Gay' session - and I must say, when the vicar said to me 'Less-be-gay', I said 'Yes, let's!'

CANNED LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER Tonight I'm phoning the biggest Puff since the Magic Dragon - nicknamed the camp instructor, and yesterday I saw him pitching up ten tents, what a camp sight!

LAUGHTER.

PRESENTER Yes it's Julian Clary, fresh from his 'Big Brother' victory - and remember kids, no matter how 'big' your brother is, don't do him... Let me!

LAUGHTER

PRESENTER So (on earpiece) Julian you crazy woofter arse-bandit, can you hear me?

JULIAN (off, gruff) Yeah.

PRESENTER Now when you won, I'm sure all the blood rushed to your, ahem, head! You got an enormous swelling in your - bosom, and I don't mean ten homo lions, that'd be Gay Pride!

JULIAN I was quite pleased, yeah. My mother's happy too.

PRESENTER Yes I bet you don't know what came over you - well you do but no boasting! You don't know what got into you - well you do, but as long as he's overage no worries!

PAUSE.

JULIAN You want me to talk about it?

PRESENTER Oh pray do my good man, and I don't mean 'Pray - do my good man', I saw him first!

JULIAN Well like I said it was nice. I got an award and shit.

PRESENTER Yes you grabbed yourself a long hard shiny one - again!

JULIAN It isn't really long, more kind of oval-shaped.

PRESENTER Ooh call the Doctor! I had a willy extension on the NHS, it went pear-shaped...

JULIAN I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.

PRESENTER And it's now fully erect up your passage.

JULIAN It's on the mantelpiece actually. It looks nice. My mother's pleased.

PRESENTER Julian - say something gay. Please.

PAUSE.

JULIAN (hangs up)

PRESENTER (gruff) Bastard.

DOORWARD
Hail Bjorn Bloodsplatterer, hoarder of weapons and giver of rings!

CHIEFTAIN
Egil Axemurder, my faithful doorward, who is at the gates demanding admittance?

DOORWARD
The most fearful Viking whose name has ever passed my ears.

CHIEFTAIN
More fearful than Einar Entrail-eviscerater?

DOORWARD
Altogether more bloodcurdling.

CHIEFTAIN
Not my old foe Lars Limb-re-distributor?

DOORWARD
Fond as I am of all my appendages, I should sooner face a dozen such.

CHIEFTAIN
Then it can only be Hrolf Chop-up-into-small-pieces-and-piss-on-the-leftovers.

DOORWARD
Pah! Nay, before this warrior came to our hall I knew not what fear was.

CHIEFTAIN
Then who?

DOORWARD
Sigurd Shirtlifter.

CHIEFTAIN
Is he one of the berserk?

DOORWARD
More the crushingly sarcastic. He was incredibly cutting about my pigtails - said they looked like the frayed ends of old hawsers. (PAUSE) They don't do they?

CHIEFTAIN
No, they're fine. They suit you. Very manly.

DOORWARD
Only I was wondering if I wore it short, like the Normans...

CHIEFTAIN
Enough. What makes yonder shieldbearer so terrifying?

DOORWARD
I just find his open homosexuality incredibly intimidating.

CHIEFTAIN
Oh come on, it takes all sorts.

DOORWARD
But are you never made uneasy by this whole warrior society thing? Feasting and drinking with our comrades, wrestling together before the fire in the meadhall, grappling one another's heaving, sweating bodies...

CHIEFTAIN
Good wholesome exercise.

DOORWARD
And all that time spent at sea, stripped to the waist, our bodies pulling and pushing in unison...

CHIEFTAIN
Look, you just need to get out and do some viking, get a bit of pillaging under your belt, rape a few nuns. You'll feel much better.

DOORWARD
I suppose.

CHIEFTAIN
Now show him in.

THE DOORWARD EXITS AND RETURNS WITH THE STRANGER.

CHIEFTAIN
Greetings. So stout a swordwielder is welcome here. Proffer me your weapon and I shall give unto you my ring.

STRANGER
Oi cheeky! What sort of girl do you think I am?

CHIEFTAIN
I see what you mean. His sly seizing upon my inadvertent double entrendres has caused my testicles to shrink back into my body.

DOORWARD
Give the word and I shall cut him down with my mighty axe.

STRANGER
You keep your chopper to yourself, ducky.

DOORWARD
It is no use. I am completely emasculated by his knowing gay references.

CHIEFTAIN
Sigurd Shirtlifter, we are defenceless before your excoriatingly camp wit which lays bear our deepest insecurities about our sexuality. Do with us as you will... please.

DOORWARD
(UNBUCKLING TROUSER BELT) It is going to take a lot of nuns to put this one behind us.

END

Bloke (B)
Other Bloke (OB)

B: Watt's in a name?

OB: What do you mean?

B: James Watt, get it?

OB: James what, what?

B: Nope, just James Watt, the sporran swinging inventor.

OB: So this James, what did he invent?

B: Yep, loadsa stuff, steam engine, father of the industrial
revolution. That's where the watt in wattage comes from.

OB: So what you're saying is that watts' a nicknmame for wattage
that's come from some Scottish steamer?

B: No, what I'm saying is that Watt's his name.

OB: That what's-his-name's, what?

B: James Watt is his name

OB: I give in, what's this Jame's blokes' f**king name, then.

B: Right.

OB: So his name's James Wright?

B: Wrong. James Wright invented Silly Putty.

OB: What's silly putty?

B: Nope, Wright's silly putty, Watt's the steam engine.

OB: Ah, now I nearly see the light. It's a dim cos' it's low wattage
and the house is cold cos' silly f**king putty made the glass
fall out the windows. And your mate James can go f**k himself.

I initially thought of this idea over 2 years ago - jotted down a 2 line note about it but never got around to writing it up. So after 2 years 'in development' I finally wrote this...
-----------------------------------------------------

See a Viking chief rallying troops in an old viking village.

NARRATOR V/O: And so in 867AD Olaf the Brave, mighty son of Olaf the Wise and heroic grandson of Olaf the Conqueror, rallied his troops and set sail towards Britain.

See a viking longship setting sail.

NARRATOR V/O: Hopes were high that they would soon conquer the North Eastern territories - and establish a strong viking rule in the lands around Jorvik. Olaf the Brave was already being hailed as a great leader.

Maybe the viking crew cheering Olaf and waving their weapons in the air.

NARRATOR V/O: This much we know to be true - but it is here that accounts of the voyage become a matter of dispute.

See Olaf and other vikings looking lost...

NARRATOR V/O: Some records state that within hours it became apparent that Olaf had left the map at home and had no idea where Britain actually was. Other chroniclers state that it took mere minutes.

Viking crew pleading with Olaf...

NARRATOR V/O: What is clear is that his men pleaded with Olaf the Mapless to stop and ask directions.

Viking crew being told off by Olaf who is shaking his head and telling them to zip it... the crew look exasperated.

NARRATOR V/O: But Olaf the Stubborn was sure that he was going the right way and ordered his crew to shut up whilst he's chief and pass him another boiled sweet.

Maybe the vikings mocking Olaf behind his back...

NARRATOR V/O: The days turned to weeks without land in sight, and his men were starting to lose all faith in Olaf the Clueless.

Land is seen in the background & the vikings rise up against Olaf!

NARRATOR V/O: When land was eventually spotted, the silent unrest at Olaf's incompetence turned to outright mutiny and the crew rose up in arms against Olaf the Dickhead.

Closing of a big, old history book...

NARRATOR V/O: And so, today, history records that one of the least successful viking invasions of Britain was the 867AD discovery of America by Olaf the F**kwit.

...."The Chronicle of Olaf The F**kwit" is the title on the cover of the history book.

Fade to ERIK (a modern man with a physical resemblance to Olaf) in a business suit on a passenger jet mid-flight.

NARRATOR V/O: Now, in the 21st Century, Erik Vørkvittson, believed to be a direct descendant of Olaf the Brave, is becoming the first of his line to visit England.

Show the aircraft landing & Erik leaving the plane.

NARRATOR V/O: He has made plans to travel to York, finally making the journey his ancestor planned back in 867AD.

See Erik departing the airport to see yellow cabs and a sign saying for JFK airport...

NARRATOR V/O: A journey which dispels any doubt that he is indeed the descendant of Olaf the F**kwit.

There was little to choose between the turd-burglars and the viking sketches so I eventually went for Gappy's 'Steve the Ginger Cripple' -
a lovely name.

This week, my vote's for Michael Monkhouse.

Stylee Ting Ting

Michael Monkhouse by a mile!

It was Gappy or Tursiops for me.

Between the two: Not sure I like that Gappy's is an old sketch that had feedback in Critique, so, assuming it's been written for this skit comp, Tursiops gets my vote.

Quote: Judgement Dave @ September 27 2012, 3:30 PM BST

Not sure I like that Gappy's is an old sketch that had feedback in Critique

View original

No, me neither, but I didn't have much time this week, and the fit was just too perfect. Don't blame you for voting Tursiops, because that's what I'm going to do - Mr Birch's simple little confusuion made me smile as well, though.

Quote: Judgement Dave @ September 27 2012, 3:30 PM BST

assuming it's been written for this skit comp, Tursiops gets my vote.

View original

I am not above recycling old sketches, but this was indeed written to order (and as such is badly in need of an edit.)

Michael for me.