My entry into the 4Laughs Shopping sketch competition.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/9ANCAeCtKUyH/view/http://celtx.com/res/PyoKU1PaEhU9

Your thoughts please.

Thanks.

yeah it's o.k i do think there could be some funnier lines in the middle but appart from that i liked it, well done

I really liked this sketch although I really believe that you've only just scratched the surface as I reckon there's a lot of scope for more expansive comedy. This sketch can go further and the pay-off should be spectacular if you hit the right balance. Good stuff.

This sketch has been done before several times so I would try and come up with a new twist on it, although having said that you did put the loyalty card joke in. But i do think you have to add to it somehow.

Thanks I appreciate the comments. I may add more to it for here, but the competition has to be one page long.

Man I have a sketch which would nail that competition but it can't be 'defamatory, obscene, indecent, harassing or threatening.' This from the same channel which brought us celebrity big brother. I'll just have to leave it in my stand up.

If you want a twist on the sketch have the checkout girl asking things like 'have you robbed with us before?' 'These nectar points are only valid when robbing BP petrol stations and Natwest banks.' 'do you have any vouchers? (robber) yes i mugged an OAP this morning,' 'cashback?' 'This is the ten items or less isle, you want the rob and go isle.' etc.

aww just as I was going to mention cashback too! ah I like the sketch but agree it needs more of a twist