This is the opening scene of a sitcom I've been working on, tentatively titled "Desert Island Dicks" until I can think of a better one. It's the first sitcom opening I've ever written, and since I started it I've moved a lot of the dialogue around so I really need to know if it still works as an opening and adequately introduces the main four characters.

Thanks for any feedback

SCENE 1. INT. PLANE CABIN - Day 1 [11:00]

OPENS ON A SMALL TELEVISION SCREEN WHICH SHOWS THE NAME "PHAETON AIRLINES" OVER THE IMAGE OF A PLANE THE SCREEN CUTS OUT AND THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW IT'S SITUATED AT THE ENTRANCE OF A PLANE. AN AIR HOSTESS (DANIELLE, A RED-HEAD IN HER LATE 20S) TAPS THE SCREEN, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS.

DANIELLE
It's crashed. (BEAT) Hello, welcome to Phaeton Airlines, can I see your ticket?

CAMERA MOVES ONTO A MAN (TIM, HANDSOME MAN, 30) ENTERING THE PLANE. HE'S SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH AND CLEARLY RUNNING LATE.

TIM
Phew, made it. Right, ticket, Of course it's just...

TIM RUMMAGES THROUGH HIS POCKETS AND STARTS TO PANIC AS HE CAN'T FIND HIS TICKET

TIM
No, no, no I can't have lost my ticket. Missing this flight is the worst thing that could possibly happen to my day and I... Oh here it is.

TIM PULLS THE TICKET OUT OF A POCKET IN HIS JACKET AND HANDS IT OVER TO DANIELLE

DANIELLE
The whole fake I've-lost-my-ticket thing when you're running late seems a bit of a risky joke. Maybe you should stick to safer material? (FLIRTY) Besides, has no one ever told you it's rude to keep a girl waiting?

TIM IS SLIGHTLY SHOCKED THAT THE AIR HOSTESS IS FLIRTING WITH HIM. DANIELLE SEEMS SOMEWHAT PLEASE BY THIS.

DANIELLE
Thank you sir, you'll be in seat C4, that's just down to your right next to the gentleman in the suit. Good luck.

TIM (STILL SHOCKED)
Thanks...

TIM TURNS AND BEGINS WALKING TO HIS SEAT

TIM
Good luck?

TIM GOES TO HIS SEAT SEE'S THE GENTLEMAN (GREG, 30, DRESSED IN EXPENSIVE LOOKING SUIT) HE'LL BE NEXT TO FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF HIS FLIGHT IS PROUDLY READING AN ISSUE OF PLAYBOY, OR SOME GENERIC GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE FOR LEGAL REASONS. TIM PUTS HIS BAG UP INTO THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT. HE THEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO GREG. AS HE'S SAT DOWN HIS BAG FALLS OUT AND HITS THE FLOOR.

GREG
Wow, that fell like a lead balloon.

TIM
That's probably not the best wording when you're in a plane.

GREG
You're right. Well, if you need help keeping it up I can give it a go for you.

TIM
Actually I think I prefer the first thing

GREG
So, business or pleasure?

TIM
I really hope that's a new line of conversation... Business I'm afraid. God what I wouldn't give to just lie on a nice secluded beach for a few weeks. How about you, business or pleasure?

GREG
I don't see the distinction between the two.

TIM
But you asked me if I was...

GREG (INTERRUPTING)
You see when you do a job as vitally important as what I do, you wake up every morning with a feeling of...

TIM
Superiority?

GREG (LAUGHS)
I try not to use words like that. I've been working on my empathy skills, raising my Emotional intelligence and such to help put people at ease in my intimidating presence. With you, for instance, I'm sure you've tried your best in life, it's not your fault that I have a net worth of more than the entire council estate you were dragged up on.

TIM (TO DANIELLE)
Excuse me, Miss, could I have a drink? A strong one...?

DANIELLE (flirty)
I don't know, you turn up late and demand a drink. You're just like my ex.

TIM (SLOWLY GETTING IN TO THE RAPPORT THEY'RE BUILDING)
If I'd known I would have brought flowers

DANIELLE
Well since we're on a plane and you can't buy me anything pretty, I guess a healthy dose of self-flagellation should make amends.

GREG
I tried that once, but could never quite reach...

DANIELLE AND TIM LOOK DISGUSTED. THEY EXCHANGE A LOOK WHERE TIM IS CLEARLY PLEADING FOR HELP.

DANIELLE
One drink coming up sir, but, oh, I'm afraid there's a problem with your seat.

TIM
Oh really?

DANIELLE
It looks like the light doesn't work, and of course for health and safety reasons I can't let you stay here. Eye strain and all that. I'll just find you a new seat.

TIM (IN FAKE DISAPPOINTMENT)
Oh, oh of course, that's a shame but understandable. You're only doing your job.

DANIELLE STARTS TO BACK AWAY. GREG IS BUSY FLICKING THROUGH A MAGAZINE SO TIM MOUTHS "THANK YOU" TO DANIELLE.

GREG
Oh you're moving? Shame, I was going to give you a blow-by-blow account of everything I'd do to that air hostess. Of course blow-by-blow because it starts with...

TIM (INTERUPTING)
I'm not sure this is appropriate.

GREG
Look, I'm a red-blooded man and she just has a certain je ne sais quoi, which as I understand it is French for massive ti...

TIM (INTERUPTING)
Oh God, please stop

GREG
Women are like tyres; it never hurts to have a spare, and no one likes a flat one.

TIM CRANES HIS NECK, CLEARLY TRYING TO FIND SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE, TO MOVE TO.

GREG
Does it make you uncomfortable? It's no worse for you than it was for her. I only got as far as the latex glove and the falconry hood before she called security. I'm lucky to still be on the flight.

TIM
I'm not sure you come over quite as well in that story as you think you do

GREG
That's what I'm saying, I was hoping to come over her...

TIM (EXASPERATED)
Excuse me Miss, any luck?

DANIELLE
Yes sir, there's a seat just here. The customer who was there took a funny turn after a nap and started screaming about loss of structural integrity and demanded to be escorted off. The delay is being caused by us taking her luggage off.

TIM LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND A FORTUNE-TELLER-LOOKING LADY LADY IN A SHAWL WITH LOTS OF BEADS IS LOOKING FAINT AND WAVING HERSELF WITH A FAN. TIM MOVES TO THE NEW SEAT NEXT TO SEAN, A NEAT-LOOKING MAN IN A SUIT AND GLASSES

TIM
Hi there, sorry to disturb you, I'll just get my bags into the overhead locker and I won't bother you any more.

SEAN
Not at all, not at all. I'm sure it was entirely someone else's fault that you were running late.

TIM
I wasn't late, I just moved seat.

SEAN
Is that allowed? I'm sure it has to be against some kind of rule, I mean what if the plane were to crash? You wouldn't be in your assigned seat which could completely disrupt the tracking of dental records. I hope you have an important reason for moving contrary to basic common sense the the rules of aviation in this post 9/11 era?

TIM
I was sat next to a guy I don't think I could put up with for more than ten minutes without attempting to open a vein on a 100ml bottle of conditioner. He was being vulgar about the air hostess.

SEAN
Oh excellent! I'm a legal professional who specialises in such things. Here's my card.

TIM
Why is part of it blacked out?

SEAN
Oh my secretary went through taking the "o" from "account manager".

TIM
Why did she do that?

SEAN
Oh she CLAIMED that one of her male colleagues said some inappropriate things, but I looked into it and she had no case, but she wasn't happy.

TIM
Did he do it then?

SEAN
No idea, but I made sure there was no evidence and and therefore no case. I couldn't have that coming to light, how would it have looked? But that doesn't matter now. Did this person you were sat with say anything to you that could be useful to the case?

TIM
He was just really superior and went on about, what was it? Being worth more than the entire council estate I was dragged up on.

SEAN
Upon which you were dragged up.

TIM
Sorry?

Sean
Upon which you were dragged up. We don't end sentences with prepositions.

TIM
Right.

TIM DOWNS HIS DRINK AND HOLDS UP HIS EMPTY CUP

TIM
Excuse me, Miss?

DANIELLE WALKS OVER TO HIM

TIM (WHISPERED SO THAT ONLY DANIELLE CAN HEAR)
Did I wrong you in a past life?

DANIELLE (With a sympathetic smile)
It was the best I could do.

TIM
That's fine, I appreciate it. It's just... a four hour flight? I'm just wishing it would end a lot sooner...

SCENE 2 EXT

THE CAMERA IS FOCUSED ON TIM'S FACE BEFORE ZOOMING OUT TO REVEAL HE'S LYING ON A BEACH. HE OPENS HIS EYES LIKE JACK AT THE OPENING OF LOST. HE SITS UP AND LOOKS AROUND, TAKING IN HIS PREDICAMENT.

TIM
Oh arse.

Hello CJ

Tim is clearly the main character and judging from the title I assume they all end up stranded on a desert island a la Lost (which I've never seen only heard about).

Personally, I think both Greg and Sean could be introduced as tossers a bit more quickly.

Greg reading a bongo mag and just one or two sleazy references/put downs would be enough. Accent would also probably by useful to denote he believes himself superior.

Sean... I'd have him just sniffing out the possibility of a case rather than talking about himself.

I fly a lot and these conversations are all a bit too long and detailed to sound realistic. Annoying characters usually introduce themselves by smelling, fussing and/or invading your space rather than actually saying something.

Also, I know I'm splitting pubes, but you don't show your ticket on a plane but your boarding pass.

The seat, meanwhile, would be 4C not C4 (although as that is a type of explosive you may well have put that in deliberately as a bad omen)

Furthermore, there is no law I have ever encountered that prevents you from changing seats.

A nervous character might make a fuss about this but not a lawyer.

I've also never experienced anyone making anything of someone being a late boarder. Most people are too engrossed in their own little world to notice or care unless they have a tight connecting flight. Even then the chances are they won't say anything.

Anyway, pube-splitting aside, there are some nice touches here. I particularly like the bit about the fortune-teller woman.

Danielle is also established quickly and strongly and Tim comes across as generally likeable.

I'd just take some red pen to Greg and Sean.

NO! not sexist and not funny either= choose please.

Quote: dellas @ August 14 2012, 4:49 AM BST

NO! not sexist and not funny either= choose please.

View original

Eh? Are you criticising this because it is neither sexist nor funny and that CJ should choose which it should be, i.e. either sexist or funny?

Assuming you're not...

The character Greg is obviously a sexist but then that's why he's a Desert Island Dick. He's most likely every other type of -ist as well. Because he is meant to be an obnoxious dick. I just think he's over-written and could prove himself to be a total tosser in far fewer and less explicit words.

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick? I admit that the things that jumped out for me were all the bits to do with travelling by plane.

Sexist, not sexist, funny, not funny - either way it should still be a boarding pass and that's seat 4C.

And where's this plane flying from? A four-hour European flight is not really going to take you to the sort of very remote desert island you're probably envisaging, CJ. You're kinda looking at a direct flight from Portugal to Poland (if you could get one).

Also, 4C sounds like business class, so he should get a complimentary drink before take off anyway, in which case he doesn't need to make a big deal about getting a drink.

Nothing wrong with the idea of being marooned somewhere surrounded by arseholes, though. But then, from what I gather, isn't that what Lost is about? And is this then not just going to turn out to be a parody of Lost?

Or am I thinking of Duty Free with Keith Barron?

Actually, Gulf Air once suddenly cancelled a flight at Kuala Lumpur, and a few of us who were to connecting onwards from Bahrain to London were offered free seats on currently-boarding direct Malaysian Airlines flight (I say free; I guess the two airlines sorted it out between them).

Anyway, the three of us were rushed through security/immigration (KL is pretty quiet airport anyway), and got on the flight, which had been delayed a bit to get us and our stuff on board.

When we entered the cabin, there were some SERIOUSLY annoyed looks (and a comment IIRC) in our direction. Can't really blame them, as I'd have also assumed that we were just late too.

-------------------

This is a decent enough idea, but should be much shorter. It's all setting up for a 'careful what you wish for' visual/reveal joke, and doesn't need so much build-up.

For instance, IMHO the 'removing the o' bit requires no further explanation. Most viewers will be sharp enough to connect the dots on that one.

Not sure why it gets criticism for being sexist. Some people are unfortunately misogynistic a-holes, so such characters should be represented in scripts. The story isn't condoning the character in any way. In fact, the main character is trying to get away from him.

Rather than a crude, I'd probably have the first guy be one of those weird "seduction gurus" (I sat next to one of the on a train once), giving advice on how to use various techniques to pick-up the air hostess.

I don't know much about the technicalities of commercial flying, but as suggested already, it might help to tighten up the details (laws, location etc.).

-----------------

Edit: Just seen its the opening scene of a sitcom, and not a sketch as I had assumed. That maybe changes things a bit, but I have to go out now. Will edit the above later. Essentially, assuming the a-holes survive the crash also, and he is stuck with them, a longer build-up of teh characters is obviously a good idea.

I think the problem here is your characters are terribly unoriginal and seem to have no life beyond their next joke. Also your jokes are horribly over explained. I mean the accounts one is ancient and then you add 3 extra lines of explanation. And you're dialogue is all expositions "I..." or "then he...." so it's all telling us stuff and not showing us. And your characters don't really interact with each other, just use each as prompts to go off on their own rants.

It's an interesting concept but I think you need to start over.

I never realised the Accounts Manager thing was an established joke. I had given teh OP credit for it.

Using existing jokes is basically a no-go. Unless the character is saying the joke to show himself as out-of-touch (Devid Brent, or whatever).

Well no one has a copyright on it.

But it's basically the same as adding an I to a To Let sign.

Not a no-go in terms of legal matters. Was thinking more in terms of credibility.

Simon, I'm not saying no one would not make comments as your case proves. It's just all these incidents added together make the whole being on a plane thing seem unrealistic.

Having split so many pubes, I chose not to mention the accounts joke. The moment I read it I thought of a similar joke used in Green Wing (based on the word consultant if memory serves me correctly).

I also agree that a seduction guru would work better. Furthermore, he wouldn't have to be so odious just a complete bullshitter. Think Kurt out of Dear John.

Then he could actually be a bit likeable. After all, if everyone is a total tosser except for the main character, would you really want to watch a whole series?

Mind you, that hasn't dented the popularity of so many reality TV shows and the like, eh, Mr Kyle?

Thanks everyone for the replies, it was a long post so I really appreciate it. I was really struggling with this opening as I'm trying to introduce four characters who don't know each other when because they're on a plane they can't really do much. All the sitcoms I could think of had characters that already new each other (the closest thing I could think of was Community). Any recommendations though are appreciated.

The seat number being C4 was meant as a minor foreshadowing, just like the airline name, the reference to wanting to relax on a beach etc. So it was intentional, but since it's incorrect it's gone. I'll be honest I don't fly often, so I appreciate the help with the details. I'll look into it a bit more.

The account manager joke I thought of as I was writing it, I thought it might have been done before but I didn't know how to Google it to see. I'll take that out too. The explanation afterwards wasn't meant to be me expanding on the joke or explaining it, but instead meant to be showing how similar the was to Greg. Neither of them care about other people except as a means to an end, but in different ways. One of the things I was building towards would be how these two are so similar so you'd think they'd get along, but the reality is that they nothing but contempt for each other (just maybe a little less than they have for everyone else). However, that clearly wasn't coming across, so based on the comments I'll try and get it to the island quicker where it's easier to set the situation and the characters can do more rather than just talk.

I've already cut a third, which considering I pruned it before uploading it is very depressing...

Quote: CJ Beadle @ August 14 2012, 9:55 PM BST

I've already cut a third, which considering I pruned it before uploading it is very depressing...

View original

I pruned my script from 127 pages to 79, and it was still way too chatty. Pruning takes double the time of actually writing the thing.

Verbal diarrhea is usually a result of just starting at the beginning, and just writing dialogue until you finish the story. You just end up with a long conversation.

Whereas, having the framework of the story in place first, and filling in the dialogue around it seems like a much more efficient method.

A sketch is basically in my head during the day - beginning, middle and end - and I get home and knock it off in ten minutes. I think the same applies, in a larger scale of course, with sitcoms/films. Think first about everything that will happen, and just quickly connect it all together on a keyboard. The dialogue will fit the story, rather than visa-versa.

Not to say that the former method wouldn't lead to a satisfactory product in the end, but it is definitely a very long-winded way of going about it. I wish I knew that back in April 2011.

CJ I think you're setting this up wrong. We don't need to see how they got to the island. Father Ted didn't turn up at the Parochial House and say
"Hello I'm the new parish priest we're going to have fun!"

I'd start on the island and then reveal how they got there. Also you really need to focus on what the relationship is between the characters.

Because it feels like 4 people who hate each other andthat's not got very long legs.

Quote: sootyj @ August 15 2012, 12:30 PM BST

I'd start on the island and then reveal how they got there.

View original

100% this.
Your sitcom is set in this world - it needs no backstory unless, at some point you need it for character development.
A pair of slightly scorched airplane seats on a beach is about all you need.

Could still have flashbacks to negative interactions with them previously on the plane.

Then an uplifting flashback interacting with a beautiful, charming woman, and find her stone dead in the wreckage to increase the feeling of desperation.

I assume its mostly the dicks that survive this.