We were supposed to be bringing you an item on G4S at this point, but unfortunately only 30 percent of that report has turned up and its written completely in Polish.

Ex-motorsport head Max Mosley has called for a press tribunal with powers to fine newspaper groups.

He has said this should be held behind closed doors. Preferably locked ones in a dungeon.

Hans Kristian Rausling out on bale following the discovery of his wife's body in bin bags. He missed an obvious advertising opportunity there. He must have been thinking 'outside the box.'

Amir Khan says he lost his world title because he was underprepared, let down by his guard, and just didn't show up on the day. He's been offered a position as the next head of G4S.

Low budget airlines are considering a plan to replace their pilots with robots. They say it's the logical next step as they've been staffing their check-ins with cyborgs for years.

Noel Edmonds is set to return to the BBC for the first time in thirteen years with a new prime-time game show. However he says he won't be re-uniting with his old sidekick Mr Blobby as he's currently busy serving as the First Minister of Scotland.

Scientist have discovered a fish that has its genitalia positioned on its head. Due to its unusual anatomy the species has been named Jeremi Clarksonii.

Eastenders chain-smoking crone, June Brown, is to release a pop song she recorded with her Godson. Perhaps the octogenarian actresses will now be known as Lady Saga?

In a recent interview, Elton John has said he now leaves parties if he can sense any drugs, which he can smell immediately. He has yet to confirm claims that he also likes to drink out of the toilet and lick his own genitals.

1001 Chinese Human Dominoes have set a new Guinness world record. But they feared their success might be short lived after a far bigger attempt in London. This, however, is now understood not to have been an official new record, but just people toppling over in exhaustion at a Heathrow airport immigration queue.

London Metropolitan Police have warned visitors to the Olympic games to be on the look out for gangs of Romanian and Lithuanian pickpockets. It is claimed they can relieve a victim of cash in just one second. But this did not impress Nick Buckles, G4S chief executive, who is thought to have pinched millions from the pockets of taxpayers by doing literally nothing.

[Perhaps the start of the recording can be shouted in a staccato delivery. It is then explained that since some staff members had been provided by G4S and had failed to turn up, the army had to be drafted in to cover the shortfall]

I think that's a great idea for the opening Crake!

'Celebrity Masterchef' is to return to an evening slot for its new series after viewers slammed the BBC for showing it during the day, leading its ratings to collapse. Among the contestants cooking for John Torode and Gregg Wallace will be singer Gareth Gates, presenter Jamie Theakston, 'EastEnders' star George Layton, Cheryl Baker, Jenny Eclair and Diarmuid Gavin.

Quote: Marc P @ July 18 2012, 10:12 PM BST

'Celebrity Masterchef' is to return to an evening slot for its new series after viewers slammed the BBC for showing it during the day, leading its ratings to collapse. Among the contestants cooking for John Torode and Gregg Wallace will be singer Gareth Gates, presenter Jamie Theakston, 'EastEnders' star George Layton, Cheryl Baker, Jenny Eclair and Diarmuid Gavin.

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Marc, is this a joke or just a fact? If it's the former I don't get it.

Well it is a fact - straight paste - didn't think it needed altering lol

After the recent attacks on fat people on karrin island, the government have decided to re-branded them, they are now classed as 'Easy to See.'

Last night in Salford I had a modern road to Damascus moment. I didn't see a divine blinding light but I was surrounded by armed men and shat myself.
Still makes you find god.

"I've been the victim of a drone attack... this bloke nearly bored me to death!"

"South Africa - great at producing world class cricketers... not so great at holding on to them!"

"Registering to vote via Facebook? Now that I like!"

"If inactivity's as deadly as smoking - does that mean it's alright to have a post-shag fag?"

"Does anyone else thinking that dairy farmers are milking it?"

A piece of toast nibbled by Prince Charles on the day he married Diana has been sold at auction after a bidding war. I wonder how much people would pay for the Champaign bottle opened when he heard of her death?

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Thanks everyone, there's some great lough-out-loud material here - and some interesting factual TV scheduling news... Marc ?

We're going to have to start the sifting process this evening for the recording tomorrow so last push and a deadline today at 6pm. Keep them topical and keep them clean!

Alison

Yes very exciting Keep them clean, damn!