*waves hello*

Hi all, long time, no see. Still trying to move and only got internet on my phone most nights.

Anyway, I'm on the writing team for Last Orders at the Greenbelt festival again this year. The theme for 2012 is 'Saving Paradise'. As usual we will play aruond with the theme because we don't really know what it means. This is one of several short vid segments to use during our show.

Last Orders 2012 ident.
Caption: SAVING PARADISE - AN APPEAL
Charity ad style music starts playing. Fade in to a sequence of still shots of women eating apples.

PRESENTERV/O) Women eating apples. They've been destroying paradise for over six thousand years.

Music changes to a sinister chord. Finish with a picture of Eve in the Garden of Eden, preferably holding an apple.
Fade to a woman happily eating an apple somewhere pleasant - a café, a kitchen, a picnic area etc. PRESENTER walks into shot.

PRESENTER:This situation cannot go on.

He confiscates the apple and gives her a bar of chocolate instead. The woman shrugs and continues eating the chocolate. PRESENTER steps forward and talks directly to camera.

PRESENTER:Every day an area of Paradise the size of Wales is destroyed by women eating apples. If we don't do something to stop it, experts predict that Paradise will become extinct by the year 2030. But what can YOU do to help?

Cut to a man sitting outside a pub with lots of empty glasses, obviously drunk.

MAN#1:When I heard about Paradise being destroyed by women eating apples, I decided to get incredibly drunk. Cider's made from apples, right? The more cider I drink, the fewer apples there are for women to eat.

Cut to a woman.

WOMAN:I used to eat my five a day but when I realised I was destroying Paradise, that was the perfect excuse to eat cake instead. (HUGE GRIN AND THUMBS UP)

Cut to another man.

MAN#2:I donate just five pounds a month. (PAUSE) I'm not really sure why. (PAUSE) Erm...

Cut back to PRESENTER.

PRESENTER:Every day, people all round the world are living with the horror of women eating apples. These women might be your wife or your mother, perhaps a sister or a colleague. You might even be a woman yourself. This problem affects everyone.

Behind him, the woman has finished her chocolate and is sneakily taking an apple from a bag or pocket. Before she can take a bite, the PRESENTER looks round and sees what she's doing.

PRESENTER:No!

He confiscates the apple and throws it as far as he can before turning back to camera.

PRESENTERo please, send us some money, buy your mum a cake, chop down the apple tree in your garden and turn it into a patio instead - anything to help us end this horror and save Paradise.

Caption: www.stopwomeneatingapplesbecausetheyaredestoyingparadise.org.uk

Fade out.
Last Orders 2012 ident.

Nice to see you back. What's not so nice is that I don't really get it.
I mean I understand the point (Eve, apples, tree, garden etc) and at GB you're amongst people who will also get the references but not really floating the boat because it's not stopping all women eating apples. Just Eve.

Why not have a snake amnesty?

Or a 'closing down' sale which you by brilliant means are trying to avert? (YOu'll have to come up with the brilliant means yourselves.

You know theologians are pretty much agreed the fruit was actually a fig,

but this is a definite YWB.

Sorry but it's a sort of weakish joke based around a vaguely expressed biblical fact.

It's a laye night show, sometimes a weak joke is all that's needed at midnight. This is just the first draft of my first idea really. I want to misunderstand the Saving Paradise theme. It's a while since I've had any time to write so I probably need to get some dross out of my system first.

No worries I usually love your stuff.