In the ever increasing desperationg for the approving love of absolute strangers, just thought I'd post a few of my own gags for a friendly ripping apart. Obviously performing them gives a extra dimensional essence to them that makes them all the more funny but none the less here we go.

1.I'm a 23 year old, slim leggy blue-eyed blonde.
No wonder I keep getting my drinks spiked.

2.I got up this morning cos my alarm went off. That thing was weeks past it's sell by date.

3.I'm quite a prolific tea drinker. For me a good cup of tea should be hot, black, strong and sweet.
Just like a good prostitute.

4.I'm a man of great acheivement. Last year, at the Grand National, I successfully managed to enter a horse.
The RSPCA were f**king furious.

5.I'm learning how to speak Japanese. Here's an interesting fact for ya, the Japanese language, officially speaking, has no swear words.
That's probably because all their f**king trains are on time.

6.I'm not a religious man. I've always had a few qualms about religion like Christianity for example, I've always felt it to be alot like the adult equivalent of a McDonalds' happy meal toy.
Mind numbingly childish, unsatisfyingly plastic and often, via in-expereinced hands... ...a choking hazard.

7.People often ask me who's the person I look up to most of all. And when they do, I like to make a game of it. So I always say to them "Well, I'll give you a clue, his first name is Adolf".
And amazingly, for some reason, after the first clue they always manage to get it right. Belgian musician Adolf Sax the inventor of the saxophone in 1846.
Am I really just that easy to read?

8.Opposite from me lives a blind man and just the other day I saw him paying a guy to re-paint his house. Why? Surely that's just showing off!?!?!?!
"Look, I'm paying for shit I can't even see!!!"
Like a direct debit to charity.

9.I'm not a sexually attractive man. The closest my girlfriend and I get to using food in the bedroom is when she vomits.

10.I'm bad in bed. Whenever I have sex with a girl, she gets so bored she ends up faking my orgasms.

11.I haven't thought about my ex-girlfriend sexually, since we ended our relationship.
Well I wouldn't want her parents brandishing me as a necrophiliac as well as a murderer. That would be unwise.

12.My girlfriend says she loves me so much, that she's willing to share anything of her's with me and that everything that belongs to her is mine, because we are commited to going forward in life together as one entity. Which sounds like it's wonderful, but it does mean I'm now much more busy booking myself HIV tests.

13.I'm not always so miserable ya know, somedays I feel on top of the world. Trouble is trying to get those kids up to that altitude. They didn't make it easy for me or themselves. Didn't have training, no equipment, the parents found out far too quickly, it's not worth feeling on top of the world. Just find an old bike shed or something. It's not perfect but it'll do.

14.Here's a little advice for ya. If the best things in life were free... ...I would have released those teenage girls chained up in my basement years ago.

15.To make herself look beautiful, my girlfriend uses straighteners on her pubic hair. I don't go down on her anymore cos whenever I see a floppy haired c**t it reminds me of Michael McIntyre. Puts me right off.

And don't even think of using them yourself otherwise I'm gonna come over there and kill you, right in the brain.

xXx

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

In the ever increasing desperationg for the approving love of absolute strangers, just thought I'd post a few of my own gags for a friendly ripping apart. Obviously performing them gives a extra dimensional essence to them that makes them all the more funny but none the less here we go.
xXx

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Don't know how you come across in person so I'd agree that would certainly have an effect on how the material goes down.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

2.I got up this morning cos my alarm went off. That thing was weeks past it's sell by date.

.

xXx

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I like the silliness of this one

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

6.I'm not a religious man. I've always had a few qualms about religion like Christianity for example, I've always felt it to be alot like the adult equivalent of a McDonalds' happy meal toy.
Mind numbingly childish, unsatisfyingly plastic and often, via in-expereinced hands... ...a choking hazard.
xXx

View original

This one is quite weak.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

7.People often ask me who's the person I look up to most of all. And when they do, I like to make a game of it. So I always say to them "Well, I'll give you a clue, his first name is Adolf".
And amazingly, for some reason, after the first clue they always manage to get it right. Belgian musician Adolf Sax the inventor of the saxophone in 1846.
Am I really just that easy to read?
xXx

View original

A bit long but would work if you played around with it.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

9.I'm not a sexually attractive man. The closest my girlfriend and I get to using food in the bedroom is when she vomits.
xXx

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This ones quite good.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

10.I'm bad in bed. Whenever I have sex with a girl, she gets so bored she ends up faking my orgasms.
xXx

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Sounds like something Woody Allen would/did say.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

11.I haven't thought about my ex-girlfriend sexually, since we ended our relationship.
Well I wouldn't want her parents brandishing me as a necrophiliac as well as a murderer. That would be unwise.
xXx

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Dark, but you already said elsewhere that's your style, all in the delivery and how would come across in person, could go either way on the night.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

8

12.My girlfriend says she loves me so much, that she's willing to share anything of her's with me and that everything that belongs to her is mine, because we are commited to going forward in life together as one entity. Which sounds like it's wonderful, but it does mean I'm now much more busy booking myself HIV tests.
xXx

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That sort of gag feels kind of old now.

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

14.Here's a little advice for ya. If the best things in life were free... ...I would have released those teenage girls chained up in my basement years ago.

15.To make herself look beautiful, my girlfriend uses straighteners on her pubic hair. I don't go down on her anymore cos whenever I see a floppy haired c**t it reminds me of Michael McIntyre. Puts me right off.

xXx

View original

Again, could work, if the audience LIKE you.

Varying hit rate on the jokes for me, some good, some bad, some (No.4 especially) variants on jokes which have been done a million times before, but, in all honesty, there's little point seeking validation on internet forums, the only way to truly find out which jokes work is to do them in front of a live audience, so my advice is to get out there and gig, gig, gig.

Good luck.

Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 26 2012, 11:39 AM BST

but, in all honesty, there's little point seeking validation on internet forums.

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Now you tell us!

Well the main thing for me is that these kinda jokes are infinitely funnier when told/performed so posting them here is a little bit futile but never the less the replies are most appreciated.
xXx

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 26 2012, 3:25 PM BST

Well the main thing for me is that these kinda jokes are infinitely funnier when told/performed
xXx

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As Tony says, you really won't know that until you've tried them in front of a crowd of strangers. The best thing you can do is book yourself a spot and go find out for sure.

I'm not above a bump up. xXx

Quote: David Bussell @ March 26 2012, 3:52 PM BST

As Tony says, you really won't know that until you've tried them in front of a crowd of strangers. The best thing you can do is book yourself a spot and go find out for sure.

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Ditto. It's all very well thinking they're hilarious when you say them in your head, but there's only one way to find out Let us know how you get on

Bump up. xXx

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

In the ever increasing desperationg for the approving love of absolute strangers, just thought I'd post a few of my own gags for a friendly ripping apart. Obviously performing them gives a extra dimensional essence to them that makes them all the more funny but none the less here we go.

1.I'm a 23 year old, slim leggy blue-eyed blonde.
No wonder I keep getting my drinks spiked.

View original

Would work excelently on stage especially as an opener.

Could be modified "I don't have to pay to spike girls drinks."

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

2.I got up this morning cos my alarm went off. That thing was weeks past it's sell by date.

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Excelent very neat

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

s

3.I'm quite a prolific tea drinker. For me a good cup of tea should be hot, black, strong and sweet.
Just like a good prostitute.

4.I'm a man of great acheivement. Last year, at the Grand National, I successfully managed to enter a horse.
The RSPCA were f**king furious.

View original

Both ancient

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

5.I'm learning how to speak Japanese. Here's an interesting fact for ya, the Japanese language, officially speaking, has no swear words.
That's probably because all their f**king trains are on time.

Pretty good

6.I'm not a religious man. I've always had a few qualms about religion like Christianity for example, I've always felt it to be alot like the adult equivalent of a McDonalds' happy meal toy.
Mind numbingly childish, unsatisfyingly plastic and often, via in-expereinced hands... ...a choking hazard.

Clumsy and not that original

7.People often ask me who's the person I look up to most of all. And when they do, I like to make a game of it. So I always say to them "Well, I'll give you a clue, his first name is Adolf".
And amazingly, for some reason, after the first clue they always manage to get it right. Belgian musician Adolf Sax the inventor of the saxophone in 1846.
Am I really just that easy to read?

Clumsy

8.Opposite from me lives a blind man and just the other day I saw him paying a guy to re-paint his house. Why? Surely that's just showing off!?!?!?!
"Look, I'm paying for shit I can't even see!!!"
Like a direct debit to charity.

Good,but could it be neater?

9.I'm not a sexually attractive man. The closest my girlfriend and I get to using food in the bedroom is when she vomits.

Clumsy

10.I'm bad in bed. Whenever I have sex with a girl, she gets so bored she ends up faking my orgasms.

Neat, I'd change to "fakes hers and my orgasm"

11.I haven't thought about my ex-girlfriend sexually, since we ended our relationship.
Well I wouldn't want her parents brandishing me as a necrophiliac as well as a murderer. That would be unwise.

I'd simplify it to "I haven't had sex since I broke up with my girlfriend, I'm not a necrophiliac"

12.My girlfriend says she loves me so much, that she's willing to share anything of her's with me and that everything that belongs to her is mine, because we are commited to going forward in life together as one entity. Which sounds like it's wonderful, but it does mean I'm now much more busy booking myself HIV tests.

Very clumsy

13.I'm not always so miserable ya know, somedays I feel on top of the world. Trouble is trying to get those kids up to that altitude. They didn't make it easy for me or themselves. Didn't have training, no equipment, the parents found out far too quickly, it's not worth feeling on top of the world. Just find an old bike shed or something. It's not perfect but it'll do.

14.Here's a little advice for ya. If the best things in life were free... ...I would have released those teenage girls chained up in my basement years ago.

Very good

15.To make herself look beautiful, my girlfriend uses straighteners on her pubic hair. I don't go down on her anymore cos whenever I see a floppy haired c**t it reminds me of Michael McIntyre. Puts me right off.

Nice

And don't even think of using them yourself otherwise I'm gonna come over there and kill you, right in the brain.

xXx

View original

Quote: Trizzle Dizzle @ March 25 2012, 2:40 PM BST

5.I'm learning how to speak Japanese. Here's an interesting fact for ya, the Japanese language, officially speaking, has no swear words.
That's probably because all their f**king trains are on time.

Pretty good

6.I'm not a religious man. I've always had a few qualms about religion like Christianity for example, I've always felt it to be alot like the adult equivalent of a McDonalds' happy meal toy.
Mind numbingly childish, unsatisfyingly plastic and often, via in-expereinced hands... ...a choking hazard.

Clumsy and not that original

7.People often ask me who's the person I look up to most of all. And when they do, I like to make a game of it. So I always say to them "Well, I'll give you a clue, his first name is Adolf".
And amazingly, for some reason, after the first clue they always manage to get it right. Belgian musician Adolf Sax the inventor of the saxophone in 1846.
Am I really just that easy to read?

Clumsy

8.Opposite from me lives a blind man and just the other day I saw him paying a guy to re-paint his house. Why? Surely that's just showing off!?!?!?!
"Look, I'm paying for shit I can't even see!!!"
Like a direct debit to charity.

Good,but could it be neater?

9.I'm not a sexually attractive man. The closest my girlfriend and I get to using food in the bedroom is when she vomits.

Clumsy

10.I'm bad in bed. Whenever I have sex with a girl, she gets so bored she ends up faking my orgasms.

Neat, I'd change to "fakes hers and my orgasm"

11.I haven't thought about my ex-girlfriend sexually, since we ended our relationship.
Well I wouldn't want her parents brandishing me as a necrophiliac as well as a murderer. That would be unwise.

I'd simplify it to "I haven't had sex since I broke up with my girlfriend, I'm not a necrophiliac"

12.My girlfriend says she loves me so much, that she's willing to share anything of her's with me and that everything that belongs to her is mine, because we are commited to going forward in life together as one entity. Which sounds like it's wonderful, but it does mean I'm now much more busy booking myself HIV tests.

Very clumsy

13.I'm not always so miserable ya know, somedays I feel on top of the world. Trouble is trying to get those kids up to that altitude. They didn't make it easy for me or themselves. Didn't have training, no equipment, the parents found out far too quickly, it's not worth feeling on top of the world. Just find an old bike shed or something. It's not perfect but it'll do.

14.Here's a little advice for ya. If the best things in life were free... ...I would have released those teenage girls chained up in my basement years ago.

Very good

15.To make herself look beautiful, my girlfriend uses straighteners on her pubic hair. I don't go down on her anymore cos whenever I see a floppy haired c**t it reminds me of Michael McIntyre. Puts me right off.

Nice

And don't even think of using them yourself otherwise I'm gonna come over there and kill you, right in the brain.

xXx

View original