Right. It's 4:15 so 15 minutes after submissions deadline for Parsons and Naylor's Pull-Out Sections episode 1. I sent these gags in earlier. I think I've got the programme's 'vibe' right (could imagine the two of them reading the gags out loud). What do people think?

Cheers

Dan
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BIRD FLU

A Bird Flu outbreak at a Suffolk turkey farm has caused turkey prices to go through the roof. This is not because of a shortage of turkeys as expected but because all Turkey Farms have passed straight to the customer their costs for Lemsip, Olbas Oil and Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissues.

TORNADOS

A tornado hit Florida this week, killing 19 people and causing damage to over 10,000 homes. A tornado also ripped through London in December injuring six people and causing damage to *up to* 150 houses and cars. The tornados were equivalent but the current exchange rate allowed the Americans to get much more for their money.

ENGLAND V. SPAIN

Joey Barton complained about footballers writing autobiographies on the back of their world cup campaign and was then selected for the England squad. England captain Steven Gerrard said it won't cause any ill-feeling and that Barton could have a free, signed copy of his. Ashley Cole offered him the same and Barton decked him for putting a big kiss on the first page. Theo Walcott offered him his but the weight of the wooden building blocks proved a drawback.

ORANG-UTAN FINDS LOVE

A mate has been found for a 16-year-old orang-utan in Devon following a lonely hearts plea sent to animal parks around the world. The ad read: 'Cuddly female who likes swinging seeks big, hairy, red-blooded ginger male with terrific cheek pads.' Mick Hucknall went the extra mile and invited her up to his own forest. A spokeman said it was "a species on the edge of extinction - they could be extinct in the wild in our lifetime and zoos will be the final refuge." He added "And the orang-utan is too."

FRENCH HEADACHES

Zinedine Zidane retired from all football after being sent off in the World Cup Final in July. Despite his last contribution being an unstoppable, thundering header in extra-time, the Frenchman was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament's most important player. Quite what he's going to do with half a David Beckham, no-one knows.

INDIAN ECONOMY/EXCHANGE RATE

India's economy has gone into overdrive. An economist in London has stated that India is close to being a $1trillion economy. Their main growth industries of textiles, clothing and medicines have recently been overtaken by the relatively new industry of suing the creators of reality shows in the UK which now accounts for 80% of the country's fiscal growth.

Put into perspective, $1trillion could pay for a manned mission to Mars, 9 instances of war *and* reconstruction in Iraq or a bag of crisps and a pork pie from any UK supermarket at the current exchange rate.

TERRORISM

Police freed two men arrested in a plot to kidnap a soldier and behead them live on the internet. Extensively pressed by the media if this was the right thing to do, a detective involved in the investigation replied: 'Alright. Calm down. No point losing your head over it!'

ITALIAN FOOTBALL

Italy win the World Cup and putting an end to the disgraceful match-fixing scandals that had rocked the footballing world. Finally all is restored to order as the Italians just want to get back to playing the beautiful game in it's purest form: technically superior, solid defensively and ruthless attacking... all happened on the terraces as hooligans kill a police officer resulting in the rest of the season being suspended.

BBC SPORTS COVERAGE

The BBC's loss of sporting rights reaches new depths as a *comedian* is one of the favourites for the Sports Personality of the Year, after David Walliams swims the channel. Next year's tips are Andy Parsons for 'athletic eyebrows' and Henry Naylor for 'once wearing a wetsuit in an old Barclaycard commercial'.

I thought they were very good, i liked the terrorism and footbal jokes. These were the ones I sent in

Madonna adopted an African Child in 2006. She was told that black is the new white so it was a fashion statement as much as anything. Next season it is predicted that yellow is the new black so China can expect a visit.

Everyone was going on about Islamaphobia. Its ridiculous, lamb is quite clearly a meat. The only time you would be scared of lamb is if you were a sheep farmer and you noticed that the baby sheep looked liked you.

The Da Vinci Code was made into a movie. Whether you believe that Mary Magdalene was a sacred vessel by which the bloodline of Jesus was maintained or you believe that she was a prostitute, it is quite clear that she got screwed.

The Organic food market grew in 2006. This organic thing doesn’t make any sense to me. You are basically eating food covered in snail poo. It’s all because we have choice. I don’t think there were too many people during the Irish potato famine asking are your sure it’s an organic potato? I’m worried about pesticides.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sold the first pictures of their new baby, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt for over $4 million. Apparently when you’re famous it’s okay to sell photos of your children, but when you’re not famous it’s a crime and you are locked up, unless the Home Secretary writes a letter to the judiciary.

After losing the Ashes, Freddy Flintoff said that England would bounce back. I’m not so sure; it’s pretty difficult to rise like a phoenix from the ashes when you haven’t got the ashes anymore.

Tony Blair announce than he would step down before the end of this year as he now has a worthy successor in David Cameron. David Cameron made changes to the Tory party; they are going to reduce global warming by using matches to light their cigars instead of fifty pound notes, they have agreed to install wind turbines on all their estates and they have agreed to car pool, now each shadow cabinet car will carry two pairs of shoes.

Richard ‘Hamster’ Hammond crashed a jet car at nearly 300 miles per hour. A spokesman stated that they forgot to attach the plastic ball.

In April, 2006, a Swan with Avian Flu was discovered dead in Fife, Scotland. Avian Flu is now being tried for treason.

North Korea tested a nuclear bomb but it was denied by the North Korean government. They claimed that someone simply added too much petrol to a dog BBQ.

Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned by radioactive material in a London sushi bar, his last words were that he thought the sushi was a bit hot.

Yeah Dan

I liked these and as you say they fit the "vibe" of the show also. Good luck.

I've sent some in too fingers crossed.

I wrote some stuff down but forgot to send it in... I will try for next week, as I couldnt think of anything from the last 18 months except adoption and world cup...

theres always next week!

Some sharp stuff in there AJP

Made me chuckle. Good work

Very good, ajp. Had me chuckling throughout (except the groan factor one second from the end!)

Dan