I don't know how to improve this... Lord help me and I'm an atheist.

The Opposite Sex

EMILY and KEVIN are sitting on a sofa. EMILY looks at KEVIN. KEVIN is reading a college-level advanced physics textbook.

EMILY
Kevin, do you fancy some girls?

KEVIN
No, but I would fancy some crisps right now.

EMILY
All right, let me reword that: who do you fancy?

KEVIN
Um...

EMILY
You're not gay, are you?

KEVIN
No.

EMILY
All right, different question. Do you like seeing naked girls?

KEVIN
Only on my terms.

EMILY
So you're heterosexual.

KEVIN
No, I'm just sexual to humans.

EMILY
All right. All right. Alllll right. Let me put it this way: Imagine that all the women in the world were to lay naked on a beach. What would your first reaction be?

KEVIN
What's my sister doing on a beach naked?

EMILY
I thought you always said your sister wasn't a woman.

KEVIN
Only theoretically.

EMILY
All right, with the exception of your sister, all the women in the world -

KEVIN
Including my mother?

EMILY
With the exception of your mother and your sister, all the women in the world -

KEVIN
I hope my aunts aren't there.

EMILY
Will you stop!

KEVIN
I have to make these things sure.

EMILY
Okay, so let's remove your sister, your mother, your aunts, and in fact, any female relatives that you have. Shut up. You are not allowed to say "grandmother". With that in mind, let's imagine all the other women in the world are there. What is your reaction?

KEVIN
Are there any strangers there?

EMILY
What?

KEVIN
Strangers. You know. People I don't know.

EMILY
Of course there are people you don't know! We're talking about 3 billion women -

KEVIN
World population is 7 billion now, so it should be 3.5 billion women.

EMILY
- 3.5 billion women -

KEVIN
But the ratio of men to women in many countries is more equivalent to 1 to 1.1, so it should be around ten twenty-firsts of 7 billion, so around 3.66 billion.

EMILY
- 3.66 billion women -

KEVIN
Sorry, I forgot to round up. It's 3.67 billion women.

EMILY
- 3.67 billion women -

KEVIN
To 3 significant figures.

EMILY
I can see why you physics majors don't have girlfriends.

KEVIN
Well, you're still here.

EMILY
(beat) If it satisfies you, let's just reduce it to women you know. Excluding relatives. Now, how many women are naked on the beach?

KEVIN looks around, then starts making a scared facial expression.

EMILY
What is it!

KEVIN shakes his head like a six-year-old child.

EMILY
This isn't a counting question! Just give me a rough figure!

KEVIN
I know only you.

EMILY
So imagine me naked, then!

KEVIN hides his face in embarrassment.

EMILY
Come on, you must have thought of me naked once.

KEVIN
Yes, but usually it's you with the crowbar.

EMILY
Kevin, do you want to get laid?

KEVIN
Why are you asking me these questions?! Emily, it'll be awkward!

EMILY
Because I want to have sex!

KEVIN
Ask someone else! There's around 3.33 billion men in the world!

EMILY
But I know only you! It's not like I can ask the other... what is it... 3 billion 329 million 999 thousand 999 men when I don't even know them. I guess you physics majors like it exact.

KEVIN
We don't use significant figures that way.

EMILY sighs.

KEVIN
Accountants like it exact, though.

EMILY
What?

KEVIN
Should I become an accountant to have sex with you?

EMILY
What are you talking about!

KEVIN
If you're into that kind of thing, I'll happily do it. I will have to go back to university to study accounting though, and that will take years -

EMILY
Shut up, Kevin.

KEVIN slouches, half afraid of EMILY.

EMILY
Why are you avoiding sex with me? Is it because I'm ugly?

KEVIN
It's not you, it's me.

EMILY
I bet your penis's small.

KEVIN suddenly becomes defensive.

KEVIN
MY PENIS IS NOT SMALL!

EMILY
Isn't it?

KEVIN
Of course not. It's volume-efficient.

Great punchline. I liked this, could be shortened down without losing any of the humour. I'd also make it more apparent from the beginning that he does in fact want to sleep with her to play more on the frustration of the dialogue.

Put this in the bin.

It waffles on a bit too much. You need to get to the point and cut out a lot of it. The punch is okay. Don't put it in the bin, try to edit it down and learn from it. Then put it in the bin.

Hi,

For what it's worth, I wouldn't put this in the bin at all. I think it is pretty good (much better than quite a bit of the stuff I've read on here). It is smart and the dialogue is punchy.

I'm confused with the feedback on this site. Sometimes played-out rubbish gets positive feedback and then original stuff gets abuse?

Keep on keeping on....

Quote: Matt N @ January 25 2012, 7:09 PM GMT

Hi,

For what it's worth, I wouldn't put this in the bin at all. I think it is pretty good (much better than quite a bit of the stuff I've read on here). It is smart and the dialogue is punchy.

I'm confused with the feedback on this site. Sometimes played-out rubbish gets positive feedback and then original stuff gets abuse?

Keep on keeping on....

View original

That's the subjective nature of comedy Matt. In my opinion, you shouldn't put this in the bin. It is too long and padded out in places but there is a nice interchange between the pair and their personalities come through in the dialogue. Try a rewrite and stick it up again.

I recognise the dialogue as typical between the sexes! found it amusing a tad long but great punchline!

Don't listen to Godot, he's just a man.

In my opinion this is awful. A meandering discussion which I think I eventually understood on the 3rd reading. Followed by a fairly good funny line that wasn't really a punch line.

Thomas your writing is f**king awful in my opinion and in some socieities would be considered a form of toxic pollution. And at this stage you can either change completely or give up,

If you want to continue. Pick one funny subject, think of a complete story with matching punchline. Then write it in no more than 2 pages. Ensure it builds to the punchline with 3 or 4 funny lines enroute. Then go back and take out every superfluos line.

Looking again you have some neat lines like the sister one, but other wise they're isolated islands.

Quote: sootyj @ January 25 2012, 9:55 PM GMT

In my opinion this is awful. A meandering discussion which I think I eventually understood on the 3rd reading. Followed by a fairly good funny line that wasn't really a punch line.

Thomas your writing is f**king awful in my opinion and in some socieities would be considered a form of toxic pollution. And at this stage you can either change completely or give up,

If you want to continue. Pick one funny subject, think of a complete story with matching punchline. Then write it in no more than 2 pages. Ensure it builds to the punchline with 3 or 4 funny lines enroute. Then go back and take out every superfluos line.

Looking again you have some neat lines like the sister one, but other wise they're isolated islands.

View original

F**k me Sootyj, that's harsh.

Quote: Thomas Blackwell @ December 28 2011, 10:58 AM GMT

I don't know how to improve this... Lord help me and I'm an atheist.

The Opposite Sex

EMILY and KEVIN are sitting on a sofa. EMILY looks at KEVIN. KEVIN is reading a college-level advanced physics textbook.

EMILY
Kevin what kind of girls do you fancy?

KEVIN
I don't know, all sorts.

EMILY
You're not gay, are you?

KEVIN
No.

So you're straight? If you saw all the women in the world naked on a beach who would you be looking at?

KEVIN
What's my sister doing on a beach naked?

EMILY
All right, with the exception of your sister,

KEVIN
Including my mother?

EMILY
With the exception of your mother and your sister, all the women in the world -

KEVIN
I'd be trying to avoid looking at my nan.

EMILY
Okay, so let's remove your sister, your mother, your aunts, nans on both sides and your transexual uncle. So now who are you looking at?

KEVIN
Are there any strangers there?

EMILY
What?

KEVIN
Strangers. You know. People I don't know. I'd be embarassed to be looking at them.

EMILY
(beat) If it satisfies you, let's just reduce it to women you know, but aren't related to. Who are you looking at?

KEVIN looks around, then starts making a scared facial expression.

KEVIN shakes his head like a six-year-old child.

EMILY
This isn't a counting question! Just give me a rough figure!

KEVIN
I know only you.

EMILY
So imagine me naked, then!

KEVIN hides his face in embarrassment.

EMILY
Come on, you must have thought of me naked once.

KEVIN
Why are you asking me these questions?! Emily, it'll be awkward!

EMILY
Because I want to have sex with you!

KEVIN
Ask someone else! There's around 3.33 billion men in the world!

EMILY
But I only want you!

EMILY
Why are you avoiding sex with me? Is it because I'm ugly?

KEVIN
It's not you, it's me.

EMILY
I bet your penis's small.

KEVIN suddenly becomes defensive.

KEVIN
MY PENIS IS NOT SMALL!

EMILY
Isn't it?

KEVIN
Well it's smaller than yours

EMILY
Oh is that the problem?

View original

An attempt at editing it.

Quote: Will Cam @ January 25 2012, 10:01 PM GMT

F**k me Sootyj, that's harsh.

View original

Only strong medicine cures the ills.

Thomas has some nice lines hidden in his sketches, but they're so diffuse and disorganised they're never going anywhere, any time soon.

Hi Thomas
Not much to add. I agree it goes on too long and the punch line needs to be stronger, but I will say to you don't give up.
It's not easy taking crit, but if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger (cliche, I know) but true.

Come back with something knockout!!

Quote: sootyj @ January 25 2012, 10:07 PM GMT

Only strong medicine cures the ills.

View original

Are you a fully qualified doctor?

It's less a sketch than a bit of half-baked conversation. Maybe this could work if performed right in a live situation but it feels like it needs context.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 28 2012, 2:35 AM GMT

it feels like it needs context.

View original

Like, er, Big Bang Theory?

Thomas, there are enough decent lines to maybe form the basis of a sketch, but you need a big laugh early on to hit the ground running, it needs to be much tighter (it's far too long and there are lots of meh lines) and the out is not strong enough.

But I think the point soots is making is that you have been told a lot of this before.

I also couldn't get my head around these 2 hetrosexual friends who are attracted to each other, but for some reason can't move all the way into having sex. If you don't start from a recognisable place, then there is it anything really to joke about or satirise.