Hi folks, just the first ten pages extracted from the pilot script of a sitcom I am working on. Sorry I've only copy/pasted, but I seem to have forgotten how to load, link, etc, adobe pdf files. Oh well.

Anyway, if anyone cares to comment on anything, I would be delighted. All I can offer in return is my friendship for life...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

MUSIC: nostalgic, soft, sweet, sentimental.

A slow montage of old Polaroid photos dissolving into one another. Sepia tones. They depict a person, at first a small boy, going through all the key moments of life - first steps, first day at school, riding a bike, senior school prom, and so on. Every photo has the individual's parents standing by, ever proud. The last photo has him in mortar board and cloak, diploma in hand, beaming, as his now aged parents stand by, so tall, so proud, so much love for their son.

Sepia hues give way to reality. A frame comes into view around the picture. A locker door slams shut on the photo.

CUT TO:

INT. HOMEFRONT - CHECK-OUTS. DAY.

The man from the photos, JAMES, in a bright orange and Day-Glo green sweater. Hunched over, he scans tins of paint which tower up and wall him into his checkout. He looks blank, worn.

CAPTION: TWENTY SEVEN MONTHS LATER.

JAMES
A hundred and twenty three pounds eighty six pee, please.

CUSTOMER 1 hands over some cash.

CUSTOMER 1
I think you'll find it says "new pence" on those coins, young man. Not "pea". This isn't a greengrocer's.

JAMES hands CUSTOMER 1 their bag.

JAMES
Take care.

CUSTOMER 1 seems not to have heard and walks off.

JAMES(under breath)
Don't inhale any fumes, now.

A shadow looms behind JAMES. MAUREEN, store manager. A solid wall of a woman: as wide as she is tall, ever dour, too much make-up, and short, spiked hair that is yellow at the ends and grey at the roots.

MAUREEN
Did you say "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

JAMES
In those words? No.

MAUREEN
What words, James?

JAMES figures that MAUREEN was probably stood behind him the whole time.

JAMES (tentatively)
"Bye"?

MAUREEN shakes her head.

MAUREEN
Kids these days. Don't know they're born.

A figure appears besides MAUREEN: DARREN. Early to mid-twenties but nonetheless noticeably balding, a stick of a man, he has a slight stutter. Something approximating hair seems to be breaking out in sporadic patches on his top lip. For him, store card sign-ups and neatly stacked paint-pyramids are not chores but sacred duties.

DARREN
It's true, they don't. I always say that.

MAUREEN
I wonder where you heard that. Hmm.

MAUREEN wobbles off. CUSTOMER 2 approaches the check-out.

CUSTOMER 2
Trouble with the boss, eh?

JAMES clocks DARREN observing him hawkishly.

JAMES
No, it's all grand, Sir. Hilarious, even. Would you care to partake in our delectable saver card scheme?

DARREN grits his teeth and jots something down in his notebook.

DARREN
It's called "HomeFront 'V' For Victory Points Card".. scheme.

He glares at JAMES and puff-chested marches off.

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. DAY.
MAUREEN is sat behind a desk viewing a party invitation on Facebook from a large woman called "Linda Jolly". DARREN rushes to the door.

DARREN
Maureen!

MAUREEN
I can't hear you.

DARREN
Wha--? Oh.

He knocks on the open door.

MAUREEN
Who is it?

The door could not be more open.

DARREN
It's me, Darren.

MAUREEN
Sorry?

DARREN
(speaking right into the grain of the wood)
It's me: Fletcher, Darren Andrew Ridgely. General Assistant, Rank First Class.

MAUREEN
Come.

DARREN sets one foot forward. MAUREEN gestures to him as if to say "far enough".

DARREN
I've got new intel.

MAUREEN motions him to approach. He shows her a page of his notebook.

MAUREEN
(reading to self)
"James... didn't smile"
(feigns being impressed)
Good work, Darren.

She glances at her Facebook invite.

MAUREEN (cont.)
I've got a job for you. A special task. Only the brightest need apply.

DARREN seems to grow three inches at once.

INT. PUB. DAY.
JAMES is sitting at a table with a woman who looks about the same age as him. This is LEAF, JAMES' best friend since forever. She's wearing a smart suit. He's still wearing his HomeFront clobber. They both have cups of coffee in front of them. LEAF looks at JAMES worriedly; he stirs his drink, the weight of the world resting on his brow. In front of LEAF is a small brochure: we cannot see what of.

LEAF
Why do you still work there?

JAMES shakes his head vaguely.

JAMES
The satisfaction of a job well done, and the tranquillity afforded by the knowledge that I am making a real difference for the better in the lives of millions of plebeians on both sides of the Berkshire-Middlesex divide... by selling emulsion.

A middle-aged MAN in a suit approaches JAMES and LEAF.

MAN
Excuse me, what time do you close tonight?

JAMES looks at his uniform, looks around the pub. He looks back at his uniform, "HomeFront" emblazoned tackily on the breast.

JAMES
I don't actually work here.

MAN
But.. you're wearing a uniform...

LEAF
Does this look like a hardware store?

MAN
Hm?

JAMES tries to take a sip of his coffee. MAN's gaze follows the cup like a dog at the feet of its master during human dinner time.

JAMES (resignedly)
Nine-thirty.

JAMES tries to sip his drink. The MAN isn't going anywhere.

JAMES
Sorry--

MAN
I want to repaint my living room walls but I'm not sure if I should strip the wallpaper, apply an undercoat, or both. And what finish, hmm? Eggshell or Smooth? Matt or Vinyl?

JAMES gives in, but LEAF steps in before he can answer.

LEAF
Excuse me, where do you think you are?

MAN
I beg your young pardon?

JAMES and LEAF look at each other.

MAN
Right, so about these walls, then-

LEAF emits a high-pitched shriek: imagine the product of a gene-spliced union betwixt man and cow. MAN runs away. JAMES and LEAF both laugh. Suddenly, LEAF's face is heavy with sadness.

LEAF
James, you know I'm leaving soon. Why don't you come with me? You'd be great out there!

JAMES
I can't.

LEAF
Why not?

JAMES
The money.

LEAF
What do you spend your wages on, James?

JAMES shrugs.

JAMES
Oh, the usual. Crack whores, bling, a Lexus.

CUT AWAY: JAMES surrounded by stacks of empty Pot Noodle tubs, Pringle tubes, fast food wrapping, and hammering away excitedly at his keyboard whilst playing World of Warcraft or similar.

LEAF stands up.

LEAF
I'm off to the bog. Want anything?

JAMES
Well, I dunno. What have they got?

LEAF
Tampons?

JAMES
What flavour?

LEAF
"Original" and "Classic". I'll get you one of each.

EXIT LEAF.

JAMES looks at the little booklet on the table: "Getting Started, A Guide to Living and Working Overseas".

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. NIGHT.
DARREN gently lowers himself into MAUREEN's chair. The pleasure as his rump makes contact is intense: PVC cover, plastic mould, and 360 degree swivel.

DARREN
I'll take good care of you.

He strokes a CCTV image of the exterior of the shop.

We see a sign hung on the door which reads: "Attention! Evenings Duty MANAGER Darren".

He unfolds a chart. It has a track going from "loyal soldier" on one end, to "noble leader" on the other with various notches in between. He whips out a cut-out photo of him in a dodge 'em car and moves the car along to the second notch.

DARREN
Vroom!

CUT AWAY:

A CUSTOMER knocks a box of lightbulbs off the shelf. It breaks.

DARREN speaks into his walkie-talkie.

DARREN
I'll be right there, roger that. Over.

He rises, ready for action: this is the moment he was designed for.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - PAINT AISLE. DAY
JAMES stacks a shelf with tins of paint. DARREN watches him work for a moment.

JAMES
Darren, do you think I could get some extra shifts?

DARREN
Doubt it. I'll check. You're doing it wrong.

JAMES stops and looks at the shelves. The tins look perfectly aligned. DARREN reaches forward and adjusts a single tin a fraction of an inch.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - BATHROOM DEPARTMENT. DAY.
JAMES sorts catalogues into neat piles at a small counter. He is surrounded by the usual bathroom paraphernalia: bath tubs, sinks, showerheads.

SFX: a child giggling.

A small boy skitters past. His trousers are trailing round his ankles.

A woman's voice calls after the kid. JAMES glances in the direction of the voice.

The woman hovers next to a display toilet. Her eyes meet JAMES' with a look of apology.

He edges towards her and gingerly, hesitantly, looks into the bowl.

WOMAN
I'm so sorry.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - BATHROOM DEPARTMENT. DAY.
JAMES peels off some rubber gloves and wipes sweat from his brow. He leans on the toilet cistern as he recovers. DARREN is once again beside him.

DARREN
Missed a bit.

JAMES
Did I?

DARREN
Yeah. Just there.

JAMES stares at him in disbelief.

JAMES
Do you get off on this or what?

DARREN
Dunno what you mean. Anyway James, if you can't take the heat, get out of the oven.

JAMES
What does that mean?

DARREN
Do you have a 'no can do' attitude or a 'yes can do' attitude?

JAMES
'Yeskandoo'? Sounds like a tropical bird.

DARREN jots something down in his notebook.

DARREN
(to self)
'No can do'
(to JAMES)
By the way, I'm giving that overtime to Cheryl, a girl who doesn't know the meaning of the word "no can do".

EXIT DARREN.

JAMES flings his marigolds down in frustration.

INT. HOMEFRONT - CHECK OUTS. DAY.

A young lady sits at a check out checking out her over-sized nails. With the thick layer of clown-like make up it's difficult to tell her age, but if you peer closely you can just about make out that she's quite young. This is CHERYL.

JAMES sidles up to her and looks in his phone.

JAMES
(just loud enough for CHERYL to hear)
Too bad I can't go. I always wanted to meet a real reality TV star.

CHERYL's ears prick.

CHERYL
Wassat? Wassat?

JAMES
Hmm? Oh, it's just Kitten is gonna be at the shopping centre this evening.

CHERYL
(gobsmacked)
Kitten? Kitten Pinder? Big Brother five?! Oh my Gosh!

JAMES
I know - if only I wasn't looking after the goldfish tonight... Will you go? Actually, aren't you working tonight??

CHERYL
Err... actually... (she coughs) I feel a little bit of sick (forces a retch)

JAMES
Hmm, you do look a little bit ropey, now you mention it.

CHERYL
(mouthes)
Kitten Pinder(!)

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. DAY.

DARREN is faffing about with post-it notes and highlighter pens. JAMES approaches, gym bag slung over shoulder.

JAMES
I'll just be off now, mate.

DARREN is solemn.

DARREN
James, I've sent Cheryl home sick.

JAMES
Oh?

DARREN
'She tried to struggle on, but I insisted - that soldier has her orders: a warm bed and plenty of fluids.

CUT AWAY:

CHERYL is bent over a bed getting furiously shagged by a rat-like man in a baseball cap.

CHERYL
I can't believe I'm gonna see Kitten!

DARREN (cont.)
But now another soldier has his orders, too.

He places his hand on JAMES' shoulder.

DARREN (cont.)
James, will you step up to the plate, look destiny in the face, and say, "Yes I can!"?

JAMES
Are you asking me to cover for Cheryl tonight?

DARREN
James, I'm asking you to serve your company.

JAMES
Sure... This'll be paid in this month, won't it?

Hi Bryan,

I really hate to say it but I just didn't find it funny. Although the followiung interchange did raise a smirk:

Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 11 2011, 3:53 PM BST

MAN
Excuse me, what time do you close tonight?

JAMES looks at his uniform, looks around the pub. He looks back at his uniform, "HomeFront" emblazoned tackily on the breast.

JAMES
I don't actually work here.

MAN
But.. you're wearing a uniform...

LEAF
Does this look like a hardware store?

MAN
Hm?

JAMES tries to take a sip of his coffee. MAN's gaze follows the cup like a dog at the feet of its master during human dinner time.

JAMES (resignedly)
Nine-thirty.

JAMES tries to sip his drink. The MAN isn't going anywhere.

JAMES
Sorry--

MAN
I want to repaint my living room walls but I'm not sure if I should strip the wallpaper, apply an undercoat, or both. And what finish, hmm? Eggshell or Smooth? Matt or Vinyl?

View original

Also, some of it felt a bit too like Spaced/Shaun Of The Dead/Hot Fuzz. The following 2 cutaway gags could have easily come from it, and the exchange about needing anything from the toilet I could imagine coming from Shaun Of The Dead/Hot Fuzz.

Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 11 2011, 3:53 PM BST

JAMES
Oh, the usual. Crack whores, bling, a Lexus.

CUT AWAY: JAMES surrounded by stacks of empty Pot Noodle tubs, Pringle tubes, fast food wrapping, and hammering away excitedly at his keyboard whilst playing World of Warcraft or similar.

LEAF stands up.

LEAF
I'm off to the bog. Want anything?

JAMES
Well, I dunno. What have they got?

LEAF
Tampons?

JAMES
What flavour?

LEAF
"Original" and "Classic". I'll get you one of each.

View original

Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 11 2011, 3:53 PM BST

CHERYL is bent over a bed getting furiously shagged by a rat-like man in a baseball cap.

View original

You could also be getting dangerously close to a 'Gareth' with Darren. The Supervisor/Team Leader who he thinks he's all that and a jobsworth.

Well they're my thoughts anyway... Good luck with it

It feels true to life, minimum wage monotony.

I reckon the very first montage would get to the point by simply showing the character recieving his degree, posing for the photo, shaking hands and being told by teacher/proud parents he has his whole future ahead of him or something - then bam, working checkout at homebase.

Before I saw Goose24s reply I was going to say the gareth keenan comparison was inevitable although these people do really exist in the workplace.

Anyway, I liked it probably because ive worked in a bookshop/cinema/supermarket/phoneshop/b&q/bingo hall/argos/diner... an endlesss spiral of uniforms, aprons, clock cards and name badges,that's why this is clearly taken from life, getting stopped off duty and asked about the place you work has happened to me 100s of times.

I have no critiscms really and if read/watched these 10 pages would want to read/watch the rest, I didnt think it was hilarious but shared the character's pain, apathy -- I reckon the script feels a bit too familiar in places with the everyman show-hero and the petty customer dynamics.

So all in all, in my opinion, the ten pages show that you know how to write sothat's the main thing, but I reckon your better works will come when you use more of your imagination and less of your own alter-ego.

That said, I did like it.

ps- if im nitpicking, would lose the 'wide and tall' and stick to just 'like a wall' and when she asks what do you spend your wages on? I'd lose the crack whores thing and offer Holiday Homes in Dubai, shares in Micosoft, Gold, the usual.

Hi,

I quite like the tone of this extract although it wasn't laugh out loud for me.

I believe it is lacking something in the story, in that you have shown us a character and a situation, but no real sense of change and therefore no consequences of that change on James. The only hint of this is of Leaf leaving, but the audience would have no idea just how much or how little this would affect James.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really sure what its about? The first ten pages are basically just a bloke who works at homefront.

Best of luck, Jacparov.

Haven't you posted this up before?

GUYS WHO HAVE POSTED IN THIS THREAD:

Out of interest, would you guys tell me your top 10 sitcoms, please? Just curious, because, whilst my script definitely needs more laffs, I think I may be finding it funnier than most(!) Perhaps this is partly due to our respective tastes in humour not being the same... anyway, humour me, please

Quote: Will Cam @ June 14 2011, 11:52 AM BST

Haven't you posted this up before?

View original

Hi Will. Yes and no. But mostly no!

The same situation, the same characters, the same world: different script. I binned the old script, although some of the set up and opening few pages is the same and/or similar.

Quote: jacparov @ June 13 2011, 2:14 PM BST

Hi,

I quite like the tone of this extract although it wasn't laugh out loud for me.

I believe it is lacking something in the story, in that you have shown us a character and a situation, but no real sense of change and therefore no consequences of that change on James. The only hint of this is of Leaf leaving, but the audience would have no idea just how much or how little this would affect James.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really sure what its about? The first ten pages are basically just a bloke who works at homefront.

Best of luck, Jacparov.

View original

Hi Jacparov,

First off, many thanks indeed for taking the time to read my extract and comment on it. I really appreciate it. I crave feedback indeed.

I think I agree with you. For some reason, in my hands, the "set up" winds up being too long, not funny enough, and not "happening".

What if I moved it around this way: montage, cut to him on checkout, cut to scene of him in pub? This way, we can establish him more, and also edit that scene with him in the pub to emphasise just how much James needs Leaf, and what a problem it is. Also, have him pick up the phone, call his job, and ask for overtime? This way, by the end of page two we establish him, his problem, what he wants (overtime for money to go with Leaf), and his relationship with her, etc etc.....?

Quote: Jack Daniels @ June 12 2011, 1:05 PM BST

It feels true to life, minimum wage monotony.

View original

Cheers, man.

I reckon the very first montage would get to the point by simply showing the character recieving his degree, posing for the photo, shaking hands and being told by teacher/proud parents he has his whole future ahead of him or something - then bam, working checkout at homebase.

Perhaps, but would it emphasise the skull-crushing, mind-numbing, fall-from-grace-ery as a montage? We wanna really emphasise it's gone a bit Pete Tong for the guy (altho there are probably better ways than I have chosen).

Before I saw Goose24s reply I was going to say the gareth keenan comparison was inevitable although these people do really exist in the workplace.

True story... I came up with the Darren character before watching or getting into The Office. I based him on a combo of various characters I worked with.

Unfortunately, since "discovering" The Office, and becoming a massive fan, it does bug me slightly how similar they are. But then I guess that's why Gareth is such a great character -- he's so archetypal. I don't know what I can do about the similarity, to be honest. But I'm also not over bothered about it, cos when I write for "Darren", and I am NOT picturing Gareth, so that's a start.

Anyway, I liked it probably because ive worked in a bookshop/cinema/supermarket/phoneshop/b&q/bingo hall/argos/diner... an endlesss spiral of uniforms, aprons, clock cards and name badges,that's why this is clearly taken from life, getting stopped off duty and asked about the place you work has happened to me 100s of times.

Yeah, has happened to me 100s of times, too. A right bummer, eh... :'( I just can't understand why people don't exercise certain common sense; I would not stop someone in uniform, who is obviously off duty, and get their advice. But lots of folks do, sadly...

I have no critiscms really and if read/watched these 10 pages would want to read/watch the rest, I didnt think it was hilarious but shared the character's pain, apathy -- I reckon the script feels a bit too familiar in places with the everyman show-hero and the petty customer dynamics.

Fair points.

So all in all, in my opinion, the ten pages show that you know how to write sothat's the main thing, but I reckon your better works will come when you use more of your imagination and less of your own alter-ego.

Cheers for your encouraging words, and you may be right. This is the thing I've wwritten that comes most from my own life (although it is NOT, I repeat **NOT**, an autobiography). Good calling card script in potentia...? Who knows, maybe.

ps- if im nitpicking, would lose the 'wide and tall' and stick to just 'like a wall'

I agree with you on that. that bit of description has always struck me as too clunky and not really working.

and when she asks what do you spend your wages on? I'd lose the crack whores thing and offer Holiday Homes in Dubai, shares in Micosoft, Gold, the usual.

I've been brainstorming new lines due to your feedback. I've already come up with soem I think are funnier, and I'm gonna keep going on that front.

Cheers, mate.

Quote: Goose24 @ June 12 2011, 1:31 AM BST

Hi Bryan,

I really hate to say it but I just didn't find it funny.

View original

Fair dos, man.

They always say "write what makes you yourself laugh". This extract did make me laugh, but not as much as other stuff I've written. It's definitely a tad laboured. I think it's "pilot" syndrome, where I'm trying so hard to establish x, y, and z, that it loses funniness, and perhaps doesn't even establish that well, to boot!

Although the followiung interchange did raise a smirk:

Cheers

Also, some of it felt a bit too like Spaced/Shaun Of The Dead/Hot Fuzz. The following 2 cutaway gags could have easily come from it, and the exchange about needing anything from the toilet I could imagine coming from Shaun Of The Dead/Hot Fuzz.

Interesting. I do like Spaced, altho Pegg isn't really a massive comedy influence. But I see what you mean; stylistically, especially the toilet stuff, I guess is a bit Spaced-ish.

Well they're my thoughts anyway... Good luck with it

Cheers, mate

Quote"What if I moved it around this way: montage, cut to him on checkout, cut to scene of him in pub? This way, we can establish him more, and also edit that scene with him in the pub to emphasise just how much James needs Leaf, and what a problem it is. Also, have him pick up the phone, call his job, and ask for overtime? This way, by the end of page two we establish him, his problem, what he wants (overtime for money to go with Leaf), and his relationship with her, etc etc.....?" Quote.

Sure this could work. I just feel you need to emphasise how much Leaf means, as well as just how much James hates his job/life. What will happen if Leaf leaves and James stays in his job? Will he just be miserable?

Also I would think about the comic potential of the premise and try to express it in a sentence or paragraph. Just so it is clear.

Favourite sitcoms? Off the top of my head I'd say: Steptoe and son, Dads Army, Porridge, Rising damp, Open all hours, Fawlty Towers, The young Ones, Blackadder, OFAH, Dear John, Red Dwarf, DTDD, Men behaving badly, Thin blue line, Detectives, Alan Partridge, Father Ted, Coupling, Black Books, Royle Family, Pheonix Nights, Mighty Boosh, Max and Paddy, Office, Peep Show, Smoking room, Extras, Not Going Out, Inbetweeners, Miranda, Bilko, Cheers, Frazier, Cosby, Fresh Prince, Seinfeld, Curb, Friends, How I met your Mother, greenwing, Keeping up appearances, IT Crowd, Big Bang Theory, Everybody Loves Raymond.

I'm sure there are others I've forgotten. There is one with two aussies who sing alot, forgotten its name. I Don't have a top ten.

Hi there, jac, many thanks indeed for your reply.

Yeah, I think you're right; I'm gonna rejig and edit this beginning bitpartly so as to, as you say, exphasise certain points especially regarding Leaf.

Cheers man

Although I found it easy to read and the characters full and likeable (mostly) unfortunately I agree with this.

Quote: Goose24 @ June 12 2011, 1:31 AM BST

Hi Bryan,

I really hate to say it but I just didn't find it funny.

View original

The James and Darren's relationship also reminded me of Red Dwarf's Lister and Rimmer.

Needs more laughs.

Bollocks, read the wrong one...

Hi Nil, many thanks for your response. Glad you thought it easy to read and the characters likeable.

I'm aiming for about 3-5 "funny things" per page. However, I think my humour is pretty deadpan a lot of the time, and that transfers itself to my writing. Perhaps I'm over-deadpanning it. Hmm, gonna have to really try to funny it up.

(hopefully) **bump**

I dunno why, but I think the first ten-ish pages of my stuff is always a bit long. yargh!

I like the idea and I can see where you're coming from but for me the dialogue is totally out.
If you cut down on description and instead create the dialogue as though you're writing for radio, then it will flow better and help the jokes when you're ready to put them in. It's a good effort that can get much better, so get your nose to the grinder.

SLIGHTLY REJIGGED VERSION

INT. HOMEFRONT. DAY.
MUSIC: nostalgic, soft, sweet, sentimental.

A slow montage of old Polaroid photos dissolving into one another. Sepia tones. They depict a man, at first a small boy, going through all the key moments of life - first steps, first day at school, riding a bike, senior school prom, and so on. Every photo has the individual's parents standing by, ever proud. The last photo has him in mortar board and cloak, diploma in hand, beaming, as his now aged parents stand by, so tall, so proud, so much love for their son.

Sepia hues give way to reality. A frame comes into view around the picture. A locker door slams shut on the photo.

CUT TO:

CAPTION: TWENTY SEVEN MONTHS LATER.

The man from the photos, JAMES, in a bright orange and Day-Glo green sweater. Hunched over, he scans tins of paint which tower up and wall him into his checkout. He looks blank, worn. The bleep and hum of check-outs engulfs him, increasing in intensity to an ear-splitting pitch.

INT. PUB. DAY.
JAMES is sitting at a table with a woman who looks about the same age as him. This is LEAF, JAMES' best friend since forever. She's wearing a smart suit. He's still wearing his HomeFront clobber. They both have cups of coffee in front of them. LEAF looks at JAMES worriedly; he stirs his drink, the weight of the world resting on his brow. In front of LEAF is a small brochure: we cannot see what of. She wags the brochure at him.

LEAF
What do you say, James?

He regards the brochure with fear.

LEAF
It couldn't be a change for the worse. I mean, Why do you still work there?

JAMES shakes his head vaguely.

JAMES
The hot groupies with loose morals, my five percent staff discount on silicon sealant, and the sense of self-validation that comes from serving the community as only I can and being hailed by the people as their champion for it... by selling emulsion.

LEAF
Well, it's over for today, at least.

A middle-aged MAN in a suit approaches JAMES and LEAF.

MAN
Excuse me, what time do you close tonight?

JAMES looks at his uniform, looks around the pub. He looks back at his uniform, "HomeFront" emblazoned tackily on the breast.

JAMES
I don't actually work here.

MAN
But.. you're wearing a uniform...

LEAF
Does this look like a hardware store?

MAN
Hm?

JAMES tries to take a sip of his coffee. MAN's gaze follows the cup like a dog at the feet of its master during human dinner time.

JAMES (resignedly)
Nine-thirty.

JAMES tries to sip his drink. The MAN isn't going anywhere.

JAMES
Sorry--

MAN
I want to repaint my living room walls but I'm not sure if I should strip the wallpaper, apply an undercoat, or both. And what finish, hmm? Eggshell or Smooth? Matt or Vinyl?

JAMES gives in, but LEAF steps in before he can answer.

LEAF
Excuse me, where do you think you are?

MAN
I beg your young pardon?

JAMES and LEAF look at each other.

MAN
Right, so about these walls, then-

LEAF emits a high-pitched shriek: imagine the product of a gene-spliced union betwixt man and cow. MAN runs away. JAMES and LEAF both laugh. Suddenly, LEAF's face is heavy with sadness.

LEAF
James, you know I'm leaving soon. Why don't you come with me? You'd be great out there!

JAMES
I can't.

LEAF
Why not?

JAMES
The money.

LEAF
What do you spend your wages on, James?

JAMES shrugs.

JAMES
Oh, the usual. Crack whores, the complete boxed set of Dad's Army, a boob job.

CUT AWAY:

JAMES surrounded by stacks of empty Pot Noodle tubs, Pringle tubes, fast food wrappers, and hammering away excitedly at his keyboard whilst playing World of Warcraft or similar.

LEAF stands up.

LEAF
I'm off to the bog. Want anything?

JAMES
Well, I dunno. What have they got?

LEAF
Tampons?

JAMES
What flavours?

LEAF
"Original" and "Classic". I'll get you one of each.

EXIT LEAF.

JAMES looks at the little booklet on the table: "Getting Started, A Guide to Living and Working Overseas". The words "we recommend £3000 savings" leap out of the page and plunge a machete into JAMES' eyes. He winces.

JAMES dials a number on his mobile phone.

JAMES
Hi, it's James. Just wondering if there were any extra hours going.

INT. HOMEFRONT - CHECKOUTS. DAY.

JAMES
A hundred and twenty three pounds eighty six pee, please.

CUSTOMER 1 hands over some cash.

CUSTOMER 1
I think you'll find it says "new pence" on those coins, young man. Not "pea". This isn't a greengrocer's.

JAMES hands CUSTOMER 1 their bag.

JAMES
Take care.

CUSTOMER 1 seems not to have heard and walks off.

JAMES(under breath)
Don't inhale any fumes, now.

A shadow looms behind JAMES: MAUREEN, store manager. Built like a breeze-block outhouse, dour-faced, make-up evidently by a seven year old on coke let loose with a packet of crayons, and short, spiked hair that is yellow at the ends and grey at the roots.

MAUREEN
Did you say "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

JAMES
In those words? No.

MAUREEN
What words, James?

JAMES figures that MAUREEN was probably stood behind him the whole time.

JAMES (tentatively)
"Take care"?

MAUREEN shakes her head.

MAUREEN
You best buck your ideas up if you want that overtime, lad / Kids these days. Don't know they're born.

A figure appears besides MAUREEN: DARREN. Early to mid-twenties but nonetheless noticeably balding, a stick of a man, he has a slight stutter. Something approximating hair seems to be in danger of breaking on his top lip. For him, store card sign-ups and neatly stacked paint-pyramids are not chores but sacred duties.

DARREN
It's true, they don't. I always say that.

MAUREEN
I wonder where you heard that. Hmm.

MAUREEN wobbles off. CUSTOMER 2 approaches the check-out.

CUSTOMER 2
Trouble with the boss, eh?

JAMES clocks DARREN observing him hawkishly.

JAMES
No, it's all grand, Sir. Hilarious, even. Would you care to partake in our delectable saver card scheme?

DARREN grits his teeth and jots something down in his notebook.

DARREN
It's called "HomeFront 'V' For Victory Points Card".. scheme.

He glares at JAMES and puff-chested marches off.

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. DAY.
MAUREEN is sat behind a desk viewing a party invitation on Facebook from a large woman called "Linda Jolly". DARREN rushes to the door.

DARREN
Maureen!

MAUREEN
I can't hear you.

DARREN
Wha--? Oh.

He knocks on the open door.

MAUREEN
Who is it?

The door could not be more open.

DARREN
It's me, Darren.

MAUREEN
Sorry?

DARREN
(speaking right into the grain of the wood)
It's me: Fletcher, Darren Andrew Ridgely. General Assistant, Rank First Class.

MAUREEN
Come.

DARREN sets one foot forward. MAUREEN gestures to him as if to say "far enough".

DARREN
I've got new intel.

MAUREEN motions him to approach. He shows her a page of his notebook.

MAUREEN
(reading to self)
"James... didn't smile"
(feigns being impressed)
Good work, Darren.

She glances at her Facebook invite.

MAUREEN (cont.)
I've got a job for you. A special task. Only the brightest need apply.

DARREN seems to grow three inches at once.

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. NIGHT.
DARREN gently lowers himself into MAUREEN's chair. The pleasure as his rump makes contact is intense: PVC cover, plastic mould, and 360 degree swivel.

DARREN
I'll take good care of you.

He strokes a CCTV image of the exterior of the shop.

We see a sign hung on the door which reads in childish scrawl: "Attention! Evenings Duty MANAGER Darren".

He unfolds a chart. It has a track with various notches on it; at one end "loyal soldier", at the other, "noble leader". He whips out a cut-out photo of him in a dodge 'em car and moves the car along to the second notch.

DARREN
Vroom!

He looks around the desk, takes the biros and arranges them into a neat square. With a satisfied nod, he moves the cardboard cut-out onto the second notch.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - PAINT AISLE. DAY
JAMES stacks a shelf with tins of paint. DARREN watches him work for a moment.

JAMES
Darren, do you think I could get some extra shifts?

DARREN
Doubt it. I'll check. You're doing it wrong.

JAMES stops and looks at the shelves. The tins look perfectly aligned. DARREN reaches forward and adjusts a single tin a fraction of an inch.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - BATHROOM DEPARTMENT. DAY.
JAMES sorts catalogues into neat piles at a small counter. He is surrounded by the usual bathroom paraphernalia: bath tubs, sinks, showerheads.

SFX: a child giggling.

A small boy skitters past. His trousers are trailing round his ankles.

A woman's voice calls after the kid. JAMES glances in the direction of the voice.

The woman hovers next to a display toilet. Her eyes meet JAMES' with a look of apology.

He edges towards her and gingerly, hesitantly, looks into the bowl.

WOMAN
I'm so sorry.

INT. SHOP FLOOR - BATHROOM DEPARTMENT. DAY.
JAMES peels off some rubber gloves and wipes sweat from his brow. He leans on the toilet cistern as he recovers. DARREN is once again beside him.

DARREN
Missed a bit.

JAMES
Did I?

DARREN
Yeah. Just there.

JAMES stares at him in disbelief.

JAMES
Do you get off on this or what?

DARREN
Dunno what you mean. Anyway James, if you can't take the heat, get out of the oven.

JAMES
What does that mean?

DARREN
Do you have a 'no can do' attitude or a 'yes can do' attitude?

JAMES
'Yeskandoo'? Sounds like a tropical bird.

DARREN jots something down in his notebook.

DARREN
(to self)
'No can do'
(to JAMES)
By the way, I'm giving that overtime to Cheryl, a girl who doesn't know the meaning of the word "no can do".

EXIT DARREN.

JAMES flings his marigolds down in frustration.

INT. HOMEFRONT - CHECK OUTS. DAY.

A young lady sits at a check out checking out her over-sized nails. This is CHERYL.

JAMES sidles up to her and looks in his phone.

JAMES
(just loud enough for CHERYL to hear)
Too bad I can't go. I always wanted to meet a real reality TV star.

CHERYL's ears prick.

CHERYL
Wassat? Wassat?

JAMES
Hmm? Oh, it's just Kitten is gonna be at the shopping centre this evening.

CHERYL
(gobsmacked)
Kitten? Kitten Pinder? Big Brother five?! Oh my Gosh!

JAMES
I know - if only I wasn't looking after the goldfish tonight... Are you gonna go? Actually, aren't you working tonight?

CHERYL
Err... actually... (she coughs) I feel a little bit of sick (forces a retch)

JAMES
Hmm, you do look a little bit ropey, now you mention it.

CHERYL
(mouthes)
Kitten Pinder(!)

INT. HOMEFRONT - MANAGER'S OFFICE. DAY.

DARREN is faffing about with post-it notes and highlighter pens. JAMES approaches, gym bag slung over shoulder.

JAMES
I'll just be off now, mate.

DARREN is solemn.

DARREN
James, I've sent Cheryl home sick.

JAMES
Oh?

DARREN
'She tried to struggle on, but I insisted - that soldier has her orders: a warm bed and plenty of fluids.

CUT AWAY:

CHERYL is bent over a bed getting furiously shagged by a rat-like man in a baseball cap.

CHERYL
I can't believe I'm gonna see Kitten!

DARREN (cont.)
But now another soldier has his orders, too.

He places his hand on JAMES' shoulder.

DARREN (cont.)
James, will you step up to the plate, look destiny in the face, and say, "Yes I can!"?

JAMES
Are you asking me to cover for Cheryl tonight?

DARREN
James, I'm asking you to serve your company.

JAMES
Sure... This'll be paid in this month, won't it?

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 5 2011, 3:07 PM BST

I like the idea and I can see where you're coming from but for me the dialogue is totally out.
If you cut down on description and instead create the dialogue as though you're writing for radio, then it will flow better and help the jokes when you're ready to put them in. It's a good effort that can get much better, so get your nose to the grinder.

View original

Hey mate, cheers for the comments.

What d'you mean by "out".

Incidentally, I note that the first 10/11 pages is taking almost 2000 words, whereas the remaining 30 pages is only taking up 4000 words; suggests the first 10ish pages are too dense.

Hi guys,

I don't just want the opening to be a photo of him getting scroll/graduating, and then straight cut to him at check-outs... even tho it would be shorter.

So how about this for a beginning...?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young man in mortar board and gown, JAMES, a young woman dressed the same, LEAF, and an older man and woman - FATHER and MOTHER. JAMES and LEAF have scrolls in their hands.

MOTHER
You can do anything you want now.

JAMES
Really?

He takes out some white powder and goes to snort it with his scroll. MOTHER, FATHER, and LEAF are aghast.

JAMES
Psyche! Only talc.

ALL laugh rather gaily.

LEAF
You can even leave your poxy B & Q job!

JAMES
(mock offended)
Hey! I work for HomeFront!

Pause. ALL laugh exceedingly gaily.

A TRAMP with no teeth enters stage left.

TRAMP
You could take heroin and live under a bridge with me!

ALL aghast. Pause. ALL laugh incredibly gaily.

FATHER
Today's the first day of the rest of your life!

JAMES
It is, isn't it?

JAMES hugs and kisses TRAMP.
CUT TO:
JAMES in a bright orange and Day-Glo green sweater. He looks blank, worn, as he scans item after item.

FADE IN CAPTION: TWENTY SEVEN MONTHS LATER.

The bleep and hum of check-outs engulfs him, increasing in intensity to an ear-splitting pitch.

-

Quote: Jack Daniels @ June 12 2011, 1:05 PM BST

I reckon the very first montage would get to the point by simply showing the character recieving his degree, posing for the photo, shaking hands and being told by teacher/proud parents he has his whole future ahead of him or something - then bam, working checkout at homebase.

View original

This above was my first take on your original opening. But if you wanted a bit of chit chat during the graduation I think a good dissolve would be if his mum told him he could even take a year out to travel, then be listing all the places he could go; You could travel to Asia, South America, Tour Europe.

His dad could chime in; Think son, you could write a novel, create your own exhibition, wine and dine with the wealthy, make yourself happy son!
Then dissolve to 7 months later. Your character is daydreaming behind his till at homebase. (remembering dad's speech) Is lifted from daydream as a customer gets his attention.
"Excuse me young man, there's seems to be a puddle of urine in your power tools aisle, if that isn't mopped up soon someone could slip and sustain injury. Then how would you feel?"

I don't think there shouldn be mention that this is a job he already has - better if its something he's fell into post-graduation.
I didn't love the talc/coke joke, or the smackhead tramp. Given he's with his parents and not as jaded as he will be later I'd have a more gentle humour, the way you make little jokes with your parents.