I am sat here thinking about cooking pancakes when my daughter gets home from school (didnt have time Tuesday long story) and also sufferring from a delilibating bout of "my heads an empty shed" that has lasted for days. I have decided to go back to basics and write a new stand up routine. Here are one or two raw parts. Any and all suggestions are welcome as something has to kick start my Brain or I will end up watching cricket all day tomorrow. P.S Please bear in mind I do not write Jokes (co's I cant)
Ey Up. Now then. I know what you are thinking but don't get too excited, I'm not a Johnny Vegas tribute act.
I would like to be but Johnny has been to court and until I loose weight he says he will sue.
There's always Bernard Manning but I can never remember the.. errmm Punchlines, so unfortunately for you I will just have to be myself.
I thought I would begin tonight by asking how you are all doing but we don't have that much time.
I know the lads would be quick. Because lads and I'm sure most of you blokes in the audience will back me up on this, Lads know if one fella asks another how ya doin? The only acceptable answer is "Alright, You?"
Any other answer and no one would listen anyway.
When a man asks another man how are you doing? What he actually means is, tell me your alright.
It can be different when he asks a woman though. If it is his wife or mum or sister, it is the same, How ya doing? Tell me everything is alright, but if it is to another woman who is not from the close family pot then what he actually probably means is, can I look at your tits.
It's manspeak. It's a man language. It may not be honest or beautiful but it's quick, and to the point.
(Pick a woman out of audience) How ya doin?
So that's an introduction to Manspeak. But you Ladies you have your own language too.
If I asked you, How are you doing? And you didn't know what I really meant you might begin to tell me.
You might tell me how you broke a nail last Tuesday whilst wiring a plug, all on your own because Roger, your no good selfish husband was out at work as usual, and as a consequence of his selfishness, you had to miss work yourself to go get it repaired, meeting at the Nail salon for the first time in twenty years a girl you knew at school, who was in the same class for Maths, or was it English? But anyway this girl, her second cousin married a butcher who cut off his finger chopping it with a meat cleaver making you feel that you were raising a fuss over nothing but it's ok because she was always a bitch at school and you never liked her anyway.
Womanspeak. The use of Twnety words when two will do. Alright, You?
A womans brain is like Ikea, there is storage for absolutely everything but sometimes you have to walk all the way around the store before you can bring what you want out
Women are made to be organisers, men are made to be organised. We are like shopping, you go out and pick one of us up and until you have put us in a cupboard of your choice we make the place look untidy.
Conversation is hard. Not once has she ever turned to me and said I think it would be easier to kill an Elephant using Lions than it would be with a Tiger or told me what colour her sisters pubic hair is.
My wife says that as a couple we need to grow in to our relationship and I sort of see what she means by that.
Fifteen years ago I had been married to the same sweet wonderful woman for five years. Now I have been married to the same miserable old cow for the last twenty. She's grown but I have not.
But whats my incentive to grow?
It isn't as though I have not grown on purpose. It wasn't planned or intentional. I didn't wake up one morning, put on Radio Four make some Muslei and think bollocks to this where's the pop tarts?
The real reason I have not grown in to our relationship is the same reason I have not grown up at all.
I am a man.
It is not my fault. It's genetics. Some men do grow up to be wonderful, interested, domesticated, hen pecked, boring men, and if you are one of those I salute (Give salute) and hate (give finger) you at the same time. You are everything my wife aspires me to be.
There's more if anyone is interested. 