another scene from my sitcom. words of advice guys? this is one scene I don't want to hear "what direction is it going?" just in your opinion is it funny?

SCENE 12. EXT. YARD - 14:45

MICK AND DARREN ARE IN THE YARD LIFTING STOCK.

BOB ENTERS YARD.

BOB:
Mick, Darren can I have a word?

MICK AND DARREN PUT WHAT THEY WERE CARRING DOWN AND WALK ACROSS TO BOB.

BOB:
I've been thinking about ideas on making the yard a little more general public friendly.

DARREN:
General public?

MICK:
You know, people who are more DIY than actual tradesmen.

DARREN:
Oh, yeah. I knew that.

BOB:
Do you think we can change anything that we have at the moment?

MICK:
What about laminated signage for the goods we have so people can see what they are and what they're called.

BOB:
That's a great idea Mick!

DARREN IS STARTING TO LOOK ANXIOUS.

DARREN:
(RAISED VOICE)
We can wear signs!

BOB:
Sorry what do you mean wearing signs Darren?

DARREN:
Well I mean posters for the deals were doing, we could even put the bags on when, say cement is on offer.

BOB:
Bags?

DARREN:
Yeah, empty ones. That aren't full.

BOB:
Darren, I have no idea what you mean.

DARREN FEELS STUPID AND LOOKS AROUND TO SHOW BOB WHAT HE MEANS.

HE SPOTS AN EMPTY PAPER CEMENT BAG AND STARTS TO TRY AND PUT IT ON AS A JUMPER.

DARREN PUTS IT OVER HIS HEAD AND DANCES ON THE SPOT TO GET THE BAG FULLY OVER THE TOP HALF OF HIS BODY.

TRIES TO POKE ARM AND HEAD HOLES WHILE INSIDE THE BAG.

SUDDENLY REALISING HE CANT BARELY BREATHE DARREN STARTS TO PANIC.

DARREN:
(SCREAMING IN A PANICKING TONE)
Help!!!

BOB:
Oh f**ks sake Darren!!

BOB GRABS THE TOP OF THE BAG AND WITH ONE CLEAN JERK HE PULLS IT OFF DARREN.

DARREN LOOKS SHOCKED AND SCARED. COMPLETELY COVERED IN DUST, HIS HAIR IS GREY AND HIS FACE IS PALE.

BOB:
Darren before you start to act on your thoughts please think them through first.

DARREN:
Yeah, Sorry.

DARREN IS EMBARRASED AND TRIES TO BRUSH SOME OF THE DUST OFF HIMSELF.

CUTS TO:

I see what you mean by short, concise and to the point scenes. Not massively funny but silly in a way. Simples.

Quote: brettandray @ January 24 2011, 4:38 PM GMT

I see what you mean by short, concise and to the point scenes. Not massively funny but silly in a way. Simples.

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exactly, the simple darren character makes a fool of himself, visual humour, but get more info from other guys on the site, im new at this and its just my opinion, I could be completely wrong, I have my own style.

It reminds me of Friends when Joey (the beautiful hunky thick one) gets a Turkey on his head and gets it stuck.

It's funny to see a bimbo or himbo be dim. However a cement bag is not as funny as a great big plucked turkey.

How about if the DIY place has a sale on CEMENT MIXERS and he tries to promote that by:

1)lounging sexy on the mixer, pouting some sexy sales patter

2)gets in the mixer head first and gets lost

OR a sale on SPADES so he makes a belt of Spades and wears the long hanging heavy belt and dances like a Hawaii dancer.

Keep going Boyfriend!

I found it funny, I sort of imagined the Darren character being all bounding puppylike enthusiam, trying to please the boss and getting it so wrong. In the hands of the right actors that would be a really funny scene.

Quote: Vroomboo @ January 24 2011, 7:42 PM GMT

It reminds me of Friends when Joey (the beautiful hunky thick one) gets a Turkey on his head and gets it stuck.

It's funny to see a bimbo or himbo be dim. However a cement bag is not as funny as a great big plucked turkey.

How about if the DIY place has a sale on CEMENT MIXERS and he tries to promote that by:

1)lounging sexy on the mixer, pouting some sexy sales patter

2)gets in the mixer head first and gets lost

OR a sale on SPADES so he makes a belt of Spades and wears the long hanging heavy belt and dances like a Hawaii dancer.

Keep going Boyfriend!

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cant really make this charater so dumb that he gets lost in a cement mixer...but the spades idea is genius,that's getting written into the next sales meeting, oh God the possabilties are endless with what could happen with a spade belt!!! what it be funny if the belt was so heavy that it litterally ripped his trousers down in front of a packed shop?i don't know, think im going to have a good hard think about this......what I could do with the script, not darren with no trousers on.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ January 24 2011, 8:12 PM GMT

I found it funny, I sort of imagined the Darren character being all bounding puppylike enthusiam, trying to please the boss and getting it so wrong. In the hands of the right actors that would be a really funny scene.

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thanks shandonbelle, he is supposed to come across that way and you have the right ideas of him being enthusatic but he is very dim witted. the dialogue isnt massively quick but alot based on physical movements. hopefully I can paint a good enough picture in someones head for people to see this play out.

Definately preferred it to ther last one.

I would take out the Bob line. "Darren I have no idea what you mean" and have an uncomforatble silence and let Darren spend a few excited seconds thinking before deciding off his own back to put the bag on. Possibly with him saying a very proud "Look" between getting the bag and before realising he can't breathe.

Like the premise and the set up and just a thought.

Quote: Batleywriter @ January 24 2011, 9:44 PM GMT

Definately preferred it to ther last one.

I would take out the Bob line. "Darren I have no idea what you mean" and have an uncomforatble silence and let Darren spend a few excited seconds thinking before deciding off his own back to put the bag on. Possibly with him saying a very proud "Look" between getting the bag and before realising he can't breathe.

Like the premise and the set up and just a thought.

View original

thanks for the tips batley.

Sorry went to bed last and had another thought. No not that kind of thought. To finish, after Darren screams help, why not have Darren falling over and splitting the bag whilst everyone watches and then they turn and walk away, shaking their heads leaving him on the ground? End of scene. Again just a thought.

P.S You owe me an hours sleep. (only joking)

Quote: Batleywriter @ January 25 2011, 7:37 AM GMT

Sorry went to bed last and had another thought. No not that kind of thought. To finish, after Darren screams help, why not have Darren falling over and splitting the bag whilst everyone watches and then they turn and walk away, shaking their heads leaving him on the ground? End of scene. Again just a thought.

P.S You owe me an hours sleep. (only joking)

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actually that would be alot funnier to have him fall and create a massive cloud of dust than just bob ripping the bag off his head.

good work batley, I'll post the hour I owe you. the ficticous letter should be with you today at 6pm but as I owe you an hour 5pm.

At first I didn't see where the humour was coming from with this (wasn't very impressed with your first scene, though I declined to comment as I didn't want to discourage you and I hadn't really any constructive advice to offer) but I did chuckle when Darren started doing the "cement bag dance". It WAS visually funny, which is important, but I did wonder why the boss (Bob? Seriously? The Builder?) said he didn't know what Darren meant. It wasn't a hard concept to grasp --- I knew what he meant.

Maybe if you were to say something like "Not quite getting it, Darren, can you show me?" or something, but to say he "hasn't got a clue" is I think somewhat unbelievable.

Oh, and after this Darren should have a phobia about bags, perhaps extending to other things like sacks, barrels etc... just an idea...

Quote: Trollheart @ January 26 2011, 9:48 PM GMT

At first I didn't see where the humour was coming from with this (wasn't very impressed with your first scene, though I declined to comment as I didn't want to discourage you and I hadn't really any constructive advice to offer) but I did chuckle when Darren started doing the "cement bag dance". It WAS visually funny, which is important, but I did wonder why the boss (Bob? Seriously? The Builder?) said he didn't know what Darren meant. It wasn't a hard concept to grasp --- I knew what he meant.

Maybe if you were to say something like "Not quite getting it, Darren, can you show me?" or something, but to say he "hasn't got a clue" is I think somewhat unbelievable.

Oh, and after this Darren should have a phobia about bags, perhaps extending to other things like sacks, barrels etc... just an idea...

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haha...you can't reference bob the builder when the boss isnt a builder, he just works in a merchant, it did make me laugh tho! glad the cement bag jig gave you a chuckle, it did me when I wrote it, also bob not understanding what darren meant was in fact bob knowing what he meant but thinking it was such a stupid idea that darren can't be thinking what bob is assuming, may need to re-word it to get this point across. the dialogue you have put may be the fix the scene needs.

thanks troll.

No problem. I didn't think he WAS a builder, but the material was there, so use it, I say! Anyway, you could also have Bob UNDERSTAND what Darren is going on about: "Yeeeahhh... Darren, I dunno. Dancing boxes? Walking sacks? This is a hardware depot, not bloody Disneyland!"

Quote: Trollheart @ January 26 2011, 11:34 PM GMT

"Yeeeahhh... Darren, I dunno. Dancing boxes? Walking sacks? This is a hardware depot, not bloody Disneyland!"

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Bit of a feeble line; you won't bowl anyone over with material like that.