Hi all I'm Jon

I need some advice on my comedy: Here is one of my sketches: (more can be found on www.loveofthedark.co.uk )

Seedy Captor

EXT - STREET
Post man walks up to a house to deliver a parcel, knocks on the door, as soon as he knocks once the door flies open and Horris is standing there.

Postman: Good morning sir, I have a Parcel for you here.
As the post man passes Horris the parcel Horris crouches forward

Horris: Would you like a cup of tea, young lad?
Postman: No I’m quite alright thank you, I’ve got a lot of work to do

Horris leans forward and has a look in the street both ways to ‘check the coast is clear’, then grabs the postman by the collar of his shirt and throws him into the house. Horris takes another look into the street then turns back into the house with a sly grin on his face.
INT - HALLWAY
The postman is on the floor in shock. Horris ‘dead bolts’ the door and puts the safety catch on.

Horris: An old man like me has to be careful, I could be violated at any time by a group of young lads such as yourself (Slight smile on his face at the thought of it)

Horris Stands close to him. The postman stands up and Horris walks very slowly, pretty much forcing him towards the kitchen.

INT - KITCHEN
The postman falls back onto a seat.

Horris: I’m Horris, and you are?
Postman: Pete (Postman is scared and stutters)
Horris: Are you from these parts young Peter?
In a shivery voice the postman replies
Postman: I live by the old Bakery
Horris: Very nice very nice

Horris makes a cup of tea and it over, as the postman takes the tea Horris reaches over with his other hand and strokes the postman’s hand very softly, just once.

As the postman takes a drink of his tea, Horris smiles with his black teeth showing.

Horris: It’s nice to have something warm inside isn’t it young Peter

Postman tries to ignore the comment

Horris: A nice warm liquid inside you (Horris raises his eyebrows)
INT - HALLWAY
Postman: I must be off now (postman rushes to the door)

As the postman has difficulty opening the door Horris walks towards him. The postman finally opens the door then quickly Horris closes the door with the postman trapped in the doorway.

Horris: Don’t you want to make me warm inside (Horris looks at him eagerly awaiting an answer)
Postman: shouting help, help I’m …

EXT - STREET
The postman breaks free and runs of down the street constantly looking back, BANG straight into a post

Horris walk out constantly looking around, he slumps the postman’s body over his shoulder and walks back to the house. He throws the body down and locks the door behind him.
INT – CELLAR STAIRS/ CELLAR
Then picks up the body again and walks down to the cellar.

A voice from the bottom of the cellar: help……please help. I’m trapped

Horris: No worry my boy, I am here now.

The voice stops abruptly

As Horris reaches the bottom of the stairs there are 3 rooms in a very dingy dark cellar
INT – DARK CREEPY ROOM (IN THE CELLAR)
Horris opens one door and there are chains locked to a stained disgusting mattress. Horris places the boy down and locks him up and kisses him on the forehead.

Horris: There you go my boy you are safe now.

Hi Jon, could be me but I'm sorry, I just didn't get it.

Hi Jon

I see (but only from your site) what you're doing and that it's a recurring sketch through each episode but I don't think the sketch stands up by itself. Needs more laughs in it as it's more dark than comic.

It struck me as very League of Gentleman-y and I've never really got their humour (although I'm going to give it a go now they're repeating them from scratch on BBC4). If it's not a sketch show *as such* and *is* intended to be more League of Gentlemen-y, I think you need to post a half or entire episode for comment as it doesn't quite work as a single sketch.

(I only know this from the synopsis of the character on your website but) I think you may need a few more people in the room at the end. If you're trying to make your character *appear* as a dirty old man, you won't be able to drag that out for long as people will just think of him as an old pervert and (I assume) you want them to laugh along with/at him, especially as when it's uncovered what he *really* is, it's still quite dark! (Unless he's rubbish at it).

Hope this is helpful.

Dan

Sorry but this has gone right over my head.

Also, think this should be in the 'Critique' forum, if one of the admins would be so kind.

Dan

Didn't get it. Didn't find it funny whatsoever. I'm a fan of dark comedy, and this did absolutely nothing for me.

Reads like a Harris/Cornwell villain on the loose rather than as 'comedy'. To me it's good and horrible (which ain't bad) rather than good and funny. On its own it doesn't really go anywhere.

Not too bad I thought, perhaps trying to ape the League a little too much; but I quite liked it.

Homosexual rape and kidnapping whats not to like?
However Jon it was not that funny and has been done by The League of Gentlemen and the last bit, what is that all about? Is Horris talking to Pete of is it an actual boy?
If you want to do this sort of comedy you should focus on the attitude of Horris and not victimise characters just because it appears funny, which it ain't. What I mean is that you can highlight Horris' twisted mind without having a victim e.g. he could say in his head what he wants to do to the postman without actually doing it, or he could be more subtle e.g. the postman comes in and Horris at various intervals tries to drug him or knock him unconscious without succeeding.

Hi Jon

As a stand alone piece I don't think it works. From what others are saying then it is maybe out of context in any case.

I don't really suppose I'm too well qualified to comment but generally this isn't my sort of thing anyway. It just seems a bit too unpleasant for unpleasantness’ sake.

Sorry

Thanks for your comments and I promise to take all on board

Cheers Jon

Thanks ajp29
what you say makes total sense cheers )