Hi All,

as you can see, I'm very new to posting on this site. I'd like to get involved more but it's always quite daunting for a newbie.
So I thought maybe the best way was to put something of mine up here first. So here goes...
All feedback graciously received,
thanks

INT. HOSPITAL. MACHINES GO BEEP AND BING. LUCY PUFFS AND PANTS. SHE SCREAMS.

BEN:That's it sweetheart. You're doing great.

DOCTOR:Come on Lucy. One more push. I can see it now. We're nearly there.

LUCY SCREAMS, EVEN LOUDER THAN BEFORE. BABY CRIES.

BENh my gosh. It's absolutely beautiful.

LUCYBREATHLESS) what is it?

BEN:it's an iPhone.

LUCYAGITATED) I can see that but what--

DOCTOR:It's a 3GS.

LUCYh Ben, did you hear that?

BENTO DOCTOR) It's what we really wanted but, you know, you don't like to say do you? At least not before--

LUCY:Can I hold it?

THE IPHONE SCREAMS LIKE A BABY.

DOCTOR:Let me just turn it down a bit…

THE BABY'S SCREAMS GET QUIETER.

DOCTOR:In fact, let's just download a different app…let's have a look here…

BEN:How about some Kanye?

DOCTOR:Here we go.

EVERYTHING I AM BY KANYE WEST

DOCTORver to you… Mum.

THE DOCTOR PASSES LUCY THE PHONE.

LUCYh Ben, it's got your interface.

BENPROUDLY) Do you think?

DOCTORURGENTLY) Hold on, we're not finished yet--

LUCY SCREAMS.

DOCTOR:That's it Lucy, keep pushing. You're almost done.

LUCY STRAINS

DOCTOR:It's a… Palm Pre.

LUCYOVERWHELMED) One of each! Oh Ben, it's all our Christmases come at once!

BEN:I love you Lucy. You've made me the happiest man in the world… Or should that be… App-iest?

THEY ALL LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

END

Nice idea. Amusing in a surreal sort of way.

(How about a bit where they cut the power cord?)

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 19 2010, 12:43 PM GMT

(How about a bit where they cut the power cord?)

View original

That's a good idea, thanks.

A friend of mine once told me that he used to say the best day of his life was when his daughter was born, that was until he got Sky+. I was going for a similar kind of angle.

Clearly I don't have an iPhone... but really want one.

Welcome Charmeless Nerk. This is a nice idea I think. Good concept and the dialogue is pretty good. My picky pints would be that Kayne West isn't an app.

Also the punchline I didn't really like as it seemed out of place with the rest of the sketch. Up until then it was very naturalistic but Ben's last line seems to be put in there with a crowbar. Good stuff thoough, but I reckon you could think of a better out.

Hi Scratchyr, thanks for the welcome and the comments.

Quote: scratchyr @ January 19 2010, 1:07 PM GMT

Also the punchline I didn't really like as it seemed out of place with the rest of the sketch. Up until then it was very naturalistic but Ben's last line seems to be put in there with a crowbar.

View original

I think you're dead right about this. It's a pretty horrible pun. I'll think about a better way out.

cheers.

Quote: Charmless Nerk @ January 19 2010, 12:39 PM GMT

LUCYh Ben, it's got your interface.

View original

Odd sketch, interesting idea. How about having the parents freaking out, and then the doctor resuuring them by showing how many apps, etc it has. Or something...

Welcome!

How about a Black Berry pops out to uncomfortable silence?