It's about a week since first posted and the reaction wasn't as bad as I imagined, so here's a bit more that I came up with this week whilst driving up and down the country.

Dogs

There’s an expression; fit as a butchers dog. I think nervous as a butchers dog would be more appropriate. Can you imagine a more horrific place for a dog to live than where they chop and hang up bits of dead animal. He’s gotta be wondering, when it’s his turn. I think there’s only one dog that lives with more fear than a butchers dog and that’s the one that lives next door to the local Chinese takeaway.

Magazines

Is it possible to buy a magazine and a box of tissues, without a hint of embarrassment and a knowing look from the woman behind the counter, no matter how innocent the situation maybe. The worst thing is, the more innocuous the magazine is, the more perverted you will look. You purchase a copy of Farmers Weekly with the tissues you bought for your sick wife and you’ll never live it down.

The combinations don’t just end there, Vaseline and just about any phallic shaped vegetable will get you into similar trouble, in fact just Vaseline on it’s own is embarrassing enough as you may as well just walk into the shop wearing a sandwich board saying, I will be sticking my penis into a rectum this evening. Add rubber gloves into the mix and you’ll never live down the humiliation.

BMW's

At what point when owning a BMW do you become a selfish, arrogant, uncourteous prick. Is it instantaneous, like as soon as you pick it up from the dealer or is it a gradual development over months and years.

Again, would appreaciate any comments.

Thanks

(I think) these are great. I particularly like 'Magazines' - reminds me of the time I was at the supermarket with my teenage son, who pointed out that we had bought 2 massive packs of loo roll (2 for 1) curry, cider, bathroom cleaner and air freshener. Nothing else. I sent him to get some apples and milk to redress the balance.
Re. your writing - can't think of anything constructive except maybe no need to be too explicit coz the imagination will do that for you? But your writing really made me laugh. Thank you.

I really enjoyed the BMW point...haha! Partly cause my dad recently got one! lol I'm a bit worried though - cause he's okay at the moment...maybe it is gradual!

Some very good stuff here Wayne. Especially liked Magazine and just the idea of certain combinations of purchases leading to embarrassment.

Have you tried talking them out into a microphone and playing them back to see how they sound when spoken?

I liked The magazine observation.

Wasn't too keen on the butchers dog stuff one because it doesn't make sense, a dog would love it I reckon.It was reinforcing stereotypes at the end with the Chinese thing. "Ooh they all eat dog!" I'm not offended it just seems a bit lazy.

But as I said the magazine one is cool.

Thanks again all, some good feedback, i'm glad you picked out what you don't think is as good too, as I think this is important. I know what you mean Puffinpol, I nearly left the last line out of Magazine for that reason, there was a bit more as well, which I did decide to chop as it explained it too much.

I haven't recorded any of my stuff, I don't know if I could deliver it as well on stage, but you never know till you try I suppose.

P.S. My father in law (who's a decent chap btw) had a BMW once, but sold it after a few months. Maybe he got out, before he was fully turned to the dark side.

Agree with Okse about the dogs being a bit lazy. Magazine, I have heard it done before and probably needs to be more cutting. The BMW has potential, though you can probably swap it to 4x4's as well.

Im a harsh when it comes to stand up cause I seriously watch too much stand up and analysis it alot as a subject.

I found your jokes first of all good subject matter (except possibly the butchers dog one seemed a bit forced) the magazine jokes seemed the best as you can relate to it on some level. Anything relating to sex that is funny and original is hard to come by at the moment, unless you're Jimmy Carr.

Yeah you have something here dude, the magazine one was great agree with Okse though about the butchers dog.

If you're not sure about performing, you could try writing for someone else and if you feel confident about your material have ago at doing it yourself, either way, you'd be writing, so it's all good.

i liked the magazine one but the others weren't so good i thought. i think you have some good stuff but i would try to work on linking the jokes so you can have some sort of routine.