My first sketch, any good??

CAMERA FOCUSSED ON TWO BLOKES STANDING CHATTING IN A LIVING ROOM

BLOKE 1: “So as you can see I have bought myself a couple of new loud speakers”.

BLOKE 2: “Bang and Olufsen you say?”

BLOKE 1: “Yep, I wanted the best”

BLOKE 2: “Are you going to leave them both there either side of the tele”.

BLOKE 1: “I think so, it should project the sound into the room better”.

BLOKE 2: “ Yeah, how do they work?”

BLOKE 1: “You just have to (BLOKE 1 LEANS FORWARD) press here”.

CAMERA PANS ROUND TO SHOW THAT THERE ARE TWO GUYS STOOD EITHER SIDE OF THE TV STANDING TO ATTENTION LIKE THEY ARE ON GUARD DUTY. BLOKE 1 POKES THE RIGHT HAND
ONE IN THE STOMACH, THE RIGHT HAND LOUD SPEAKER SAYS THE FOLLOWING VERY LOUDLY

RIGHT LOUD SPEAKER: “Aye up Ethel the kettles boiling!”.

BLOKE 2: “Wow he is a loud speaker alright, is that Bang is it?”

BLOKE 1: (POINTING TO THE GUY ON THE LEFT OF THE TV THEN THE ONE TO THE RIGHT) “No mate that is Bang, and that is Olufsen”.

BLOKE 2: “Olufsen didn’t sound very Swedish to me, it was more sort of northern. I don’t think these are the real deal mate you’ve been shafted I reckon.”

BLOKE 1: “Bastard!”.

I like that! Very funny finish! Laughing out loud

I didn't get the reference, but after a google I now do, good first sketch mate, great visuals and ideas.

Quick tip: Don't direct. Don't add camera actions and 'WE SEE'. Describe the scene as if you're telling a story.

But well done dude, really good start.

good one. For a first sketch its impressive. Scour that grey matter, I'm sure theres a goldmine of sketches in there.

Thanks so much for the comments and tips.

I thought it was good aswell, I 'echo' the above comments... thank you i'm here untill Halloween. Tip the mods :)

I like it Dale.

I agree, very good indeed.

In all honesty 4/10 but thats not bad for a first go. Keep trying.

Excellent first effort, put mine to shame lol

I agree, head and shoulders over my first stab.

Nice one Dale, although i must admit i was confused by the two guys and two blokes, but re read it and got it...then i laughed! :)

Quote: EllieJP @ September 26, 2007, 4:12 PM

Nice one Dale, although i must admit i was confused by the two guys and two blokes, but re read it and got it...then i laughed! :)

Aww. *pats on head*

Now I've read yours I've decided to give up writing. Actually, for a first sketch, it read very well and everyone so far has got it. For a first timer you really can't ask for more than that. Well done.

Quote: Leevil @ September 26, 2007, 5:48 PM

Aww. *pats on head*

Don't be so partronising little boy!! *pinches cheek*