The whole of Britain woke up today in shock as the news that 90 year old hag, Mrs Mavis Crapfield, opened a tin of condensed cream of mushroom soup to find what was later discovered as Marlon Brando's hip bone.

ASDA in Skegness disagree, and say that it looks more like Jeanette Cranky's arse, but because unfortunately the Crankys are still alive, this can't be.

Its not just in this town that this alarming news comes from. We found out that in a shithole in Swansea there were tins of Minestrone containing Les Dawson's severed bum crack.

Experts are insisting there is no need to be alarmed, and advise anyone who finds something weird, they should send it back straight away because if eaten, there is a slight possibility of becoming the dead celeb.

Just last week in Swindon-upon-a-lake, a man had eaten some happy shopper scotch broth containing Rod Hull's nipple, when he suddenly ran round his house with his hand up his dead
parrot's arse, attacking members of his own family. He eventually fell to his death off a roof whilst trying to fix an aerial for the the bingo live final on sky sports hosted by Jimmy Tarbuck.

We will bring you more news on this awful tragedy when we can be arsed.

Cuckoo!

erm... ok, thanks for that.

It's not very funny.

Maybe it would be, if I understood the context in which it was intended. But as it stands, not.

What are the best names, body-parts and phrases guaranteed to raise a laugh in comedy? Well, Dave Bond the budding comedy writer knows!

So; what are the hilarious names, body-parts and phrases that Dave has chosen this week?

Below are those essential comedic ingredients, as added to the tasty sketch; 'Shock as Celebs Found in Tinned Soup':
_______________________

Crapfield
Arse
Shithole
Bum crack
Rod Hull's nipple
Jeanette Cranky's arse
Dead parrot's arse
_______________________

It's interesting to note that all of the above are anus-related - except for 'Rod Hull's nipple'. Why not Rod Hull's arse, or Rod Hull's shithole; or even Rod Hull's bum crack? This is Dave Bond's secret. The secret of great comedy.

Hopefully, unlike his namesake, Dave Bond won't return.

Dave. You seem pre-occupied with disgusting, contaminated food scenarios.

It's not really working.

Great.....

Quote: Charlie Methane @ July 29 2009, 12:29 AM BST

Great.....

View original

Grate?

some of your comments are disgusting and you wouldnt know comedy wether you fell on it, so without being funyy get a f@kin life u sad bastards an rot in hell, get a sence of humour

Quote: dave bond @ July 29 2009, 8:05 PM BST

some of your comments are disgusting and you wouldnt know comedy wether you fell on it, so without being funyy get a f@kin life u sad bastards an rot in hell, get a sence of humour

View original

Now that was funny, maybe if you could extrapolate your "angry writer" character into the next edit you could be going places!

Like Sootyj says, 'extrapolate' E.G.

Just last week in Swindon-upon-a-lake, a man had eaten some happy shopper scotch broth containing Rod Hull's nipple, when he suddenly ran round his house with his hand up his dead parrot's arse, screaming at the top of his voice, "you wouldnt know comedy wether you fell on it, so without being funyy get a f@kin life u sad bastards an rot in hell, get a sence of humour!!"

Quote: dave bond @ July 29 2009, 8:05 PM BST

some of your comments are disgusting and you wouldnt know comedy wether you fell on it, so without being funyy get a f@kin life u sad bastards an rot in hell, get a sence of humour

View original

Hi Dave.
I can understand you being a bit peed off, but sometimes the feedback will be a bit jokey, and it's fair to say that this piece hasn't really gone down that well on here.

I followed the suggestion on your profile to look at your 4laughs entry so that I could have a look at a bit more of your past work.
All I could find was this exact piece more or less word for word from a couple of years ago.
I even tried a Seance of Humour, but I couldn't find anything else out there.

Good luck with it all anyway.
And If you put any other pieces up for critique, I will read them with an open mind, but what I've seen so far hasn't really been my cup of tea I'm afraid.

Regards

Fred.

I think the problem is that no-one knows what to make of it - is it a vox-pop type thing?

I know it sounds simple, but some people don't do this - have you tried reading it out loud? Or even circling what you think the jokes are?

honestly thanks for that, I got a bit peed off because I was in the throws of a bit of alcohol lol, so my appologies if I offended anyone .