Hey. Here's a couple of pages from my sitcom about my experience in school. I have never written anything before so advice/ feedback would be useful. Thanks.

int. school - day

NED WILSON, a sixteen year old burnout is standing in walking through a deserted school hallway with His friend of the same age, JOSH TAYLOR.

josh

All I'm saying is, why pay, like, £10 for a porno DVD when you get get basically the same stuff on the internet for free?

NED

I don't know, when I buy porn DVDs I just feel as if I've earned it. With the internet you just click a button and it's there. I feel like I'm stealing it almost. Anyway, free internet porn is just, like, a five minute clip that you have to loop presented in a 2 inch wide screen, usually next to a pop-up ad for a nursing home or something.

JOSH

But still, if you're buying a DVD, why would it be a porno? I mean, the direction is bad, the acting is terrible, the stories are the thread-bare if I'm going to buy a DVD I'd get something decent like 'The Royal Tenenbaums' or something.

NED

Hey, I don't just watch anything. Like, yesterday, I brought 'The Fantastic Foreskin'. It's a pretty well made movie.

JOSH

Really? I'll see if it makes AFI's 100 years... 100 ejaculations.

NED

It beats the real movie.

JOSH

How incredibly witty of you.

NED

Oh, I meant to tell you, you know that kid, uh, Alex Johnston, from our old school?

JOSH

Oh, you mean the kid who ran that glee club? He owes me £10.

NED

Yeah. He committed suicide.

JOSH

(Shocked)

He killed himself?!

NED

Relax, Josh it was only £10.

JOSH

Well, how did he do it?

ned

He tried to drill through his own head, but... Oh, shit. I mean he TRIED to commit suicide. I'm sorry, that's a pretty big mistake.

JOSH

(Relaxing slightly)

Oh. But, I mean, still--

JUSTIN PERRY, a fellow school pupil of the same age walks up to them.

justin

Hey, what's going down?

NED

Alex Johnston committed suicide.

JOSH

ATTEMPTED suicide.

NED

Right, ATTEMPTED suicide.

JUSTIN

To himself?

JOSH

Well, yeah.

JUSTIN

That's pretty tragic.

NED

Yeah, but the good news is that they're inviting everyone who used to be in his year back to the school for some kind of supportive thing this Friday.

JOSH

And that's a good thing?

NED

Yeah, we finally get to go to a huge party.

JOSH

It's a school function to comfort a deeply troubled child to just tried to kill himself.

NED

(Looking at his watch)

Oh, shit. I've got to get to maths, I'm already 20 minutes late.

Ned starts to walk away.

JOSH

Wow, you're actually going to a lesson today?

NED

My maths teacher says that if I fail the test tomorrow I have to repeat the year.

JUSTIN

But, we're still seeing the new Charlie Kaufman movie tonight, right?

NED

Of course we are.

Ned walks off screen.

JUSTIN

What about you, Josh?

JOSH

I can't, I'm seeing Ruby again tonight.

JUSTIN

How long have you been going out now, like, two months?

JOSH

Two months exactly in a couple of weeks.

JUSTIN

Sounds like things are getting pretty serious.

JOSH

Yeah, I guess so.

JUSTIN

You wouldn't really think it, considering the movies that used to go around about her.

JOSH

What?!

JUSTIN

(Sighs)

You're putting me in a very awkward position here.

I enjoyed this! Very natural, funny dialogue and believable characters. I particularly liked this exchange:

JOSH

Oh, you mean the kid who ran that glee club? He owes me £10.

NED

Yeah. He committed suicide.

JOSH

(Shocked)

He killed himself?!

NED

Relax, Josh it was only £10.
______________________________________________________________________

Very funny!

Quote: Morrace @ May 19 2009, 10:37 PM BST

I enjoyed this! Very natural, funny dialogue and believable characters. I particularly liked this exchange:

JOSH

Oh, you mean the kid who ran that glee club? He owes me £10.

NED

Yeah. He committed suicide.

JOSH

(Shocked)

He killed himself?!

NED

Relax, Josh it was only £10.
______________________________________________________________________

Very funny!

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I agree with Morrace regards this exchange, thought it was very good.

There is a lot of exposition in this that could be cut, such as the explaining about the boy who killed himself and the maths teacher, that somewhat interrupts the otherwise natural flow of the dialogue.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ May 20 2009, 8:20 AM BST

There is a lot of exposition in this that could be cut, such as the explaining about the boy who killed himself and the maths teacher, that somewhat interrupts the otherwise natural flow of the dialogue.

View original

It could definitely be trimmed but you wouldn't want to lose the idea of a boy trying to drill himself to death.

Quote: Afinkawan @ May 20 2009, 11:16 AM BST

It could definitely be trimmed but you wouldn't want to lose the idea of a boy trying to drill himself to death.

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No, I was referring to the "you remember that boy at our old school?" type dialogue (whereas in real life you'd say, "you know Alex from Redbridge?").

Agree with Morrace about the characters, but it just seems a bit rushed to me. With some more work this could turn into something very good, but it reads like a first draft I thought.

You also might want to make sure it doesn't copy The Inbetweeners, because that's all I could think of while reading it.

Hope that helps.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ May 20 2009, 11:27 AM BST

No, I was referring to the "you remember that boy at our old school?" type dialogue (whereas in real life you'd say, "you know Alex from Redbridge?").

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Yes Dolly, there is a bit of that (nobody's perfect). But generally speaking ('scuse pun) the dialogue/characters are 'alive'.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ May 20 2009, 3:26 PM BST

Agree with Morrace about the characters, but it just seems a bit rushed to me.

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Yes, I think it's rushed as well. But I think that's why most of the dialogue is so natural. I suspect the dialogue went straight from head-to-keyboard, as it were. No bad thing if you get the right result.

I enjoyed this, I also kept thinking of inbetweeners.

Some nice dialogue though.

Dolly never has anything nice to say to be honest. even though she doesn't post anything to critique herself?

sorry Dolly bird.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 20 2009, 7:35 PM BST

Dolly never has anything nice to say to be honest. even though she doesn't post anything to critique herself?

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I could often say a lot worse.

I don't see it as helpful to tell someone something is just great when you can see some room for improvement. Personally I felt the exposition in this piece jarred with the rest of the dialogue. So what should I say? "That was great, carry on and send it out"? Or point out where a reader may find problems? After all most readers and producers are trying to find reasons to reject a piece, so don't give them the opportunity.

And yes I do post stuff in critique occasionally, such as today. It's interesting to see what others reckon sometimes and I certainly wouldn't argue with other people's feedback if fairly given.

Quote: Morrace @ May 20 2009, 6:10 PM BST

Yes Dolly, there is a bit of that (nobody's perfect). But generally speaking ('scuse pun) the dialogue/characters are 'alive'.

Yes, I think it's rushed as well. But I think that's why most of the dialogue is so natural. I suspect the dialogue went straight from head-to-keyboard, as it were. No bad thing if you get the right result.

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Nobody's perfect, but I presume everyone wants to get their writing as near perfection as possible?

The dialogue is natural (apart from the bits I pointed out) but that's not necessarily hard to do, what is is then fitting this into a whole meaningful episode, with it driving a plot.

I'm sure the OP would like to hear where they can improve things.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 20 2009, 7:35 PM BST

Dolly never has anything nice to say to be honest. even though she doesn't post anything to critique herself?

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She makes good points. Listen. Take on board or not. Who gives a shit if she posts her own stuff in critique or not. I don't.

Quote: Marc P @ May 20 2009, 11:03 PM BST

She makes good points. Listen. Take on board or not. Who gives a shit if she posts her own stuff in critique or not. I don't.

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You fancy her Marc. You dirty old man sitting behind the confine of your own jizz stained keyboard.

'Dinner's ready Marc'

'be down in a sec!'

Quote: Shpadoinkle @ May 19 2009, 10:25 PM BST

NED

Hey, I don't just watch anything. Like, yesterday, I brought 'The Fantastic Foreskin'. It's a pretty well made movie.

JOSH

Really? I'll see if it makes AFI's 100 years... 100 ejaculations.

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Don't know if most people'd get it. I was expecting something about the Coen Brothers early porn films to pop up there too.
That's just me being really indulgent though, I liked it a lot overall.

That bit leaves me thinking of no one but Kevin Smith so I can't compare it to anything else.

Natural dialogue??? I couldn't agree less. Sixteen year olds just DON'T talk like this. And the idea of some sort of supportive school get together for a pupil who attempted suicide!? It just don't happen. Try including a scene where they're swapping porn DVDs, with lots of spoof titles. e.g. "I'll swop your SMOKING ASSES, for my SHAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES".

Quote: Scottidog @ May 20 2009, 11:16 PM BST

You fancy her Marc. You dirty old man sitting behind the confine of your own jizz stained keyboard.

'Dinner's ready Marc'

'be down in a sec!'

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You've got a bit of a mixed metaphor there old bean!