Hello and welcome to the latest comedy competition.

Last weeks: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/2491

Don't forget The ** BONUS ** Comedy Competition - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/2457 - with a chance to win 50 points!

Anyway, lets get on with this weeks comp and this weeks winner.

This winner is: Jude! Well done AGAIN!! (PM me your chosen topic for next week)

And with the new points system you win 10 big shiny points!

Votes - Points - Name
03 - 10 - Jude
02 - 05 - Charley
01 - 01 - Martin Bickle
01 - 01 - Kent Pete

This weeks topic was chosen by Michael Monkhouse.

This weeks topic is: THE FAMILY

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Friday 3rd August

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board

Points - Name
20 - Charley Rance (Bitch)
15 - Michael Monkhouse
15 - Jude
11 - David Chapman
10 - Leevil
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
05 - Greggles
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Kent Pete
01 - EllieJP
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle

If anyone notices I've cut and pasted the last message from Leevil so hopefully everything is correct.

Spot any mistakes? PM Me.

Siamese twins.
One of them says to me, "I have a problem. My twin's gone gay." I say, "That's not a problem, it's 2007, it's cool to be gay." He says, "It's not that. We've ony got one arsehole between us."

MEET THE PARENTS.

Man is talking to his parents at the kitchen table.

Man
Mum Dad, I have a new girlfriend.

Father
What is wrong with her?

Man
She has alopecia. Is that ok.

(Parents clap their hands with glee)

Man
Right shall I bring her round to tea tomorrow.

Mum
Oh yes please. Ooooooooh the fun we can have. (Parents smile at each other)

Cut to
There is a knock at the door.
Man brings his girlfriend into the livingroom.

Mum
(Holds out her hand) Allo Pecia.

Girlfriend
Its Kirsty actually.

Father
Come in dear & get warm. It is very bold outside.

(Parents & the man stifle giggles)

Mum
Would you like a cup of tea Pecia

Girlfriend
Its Kirsty & yes please.

Father
Would you like a garibaldi biscuit Dear. We got them in specially

Girlfriend
(Pursed lips) No thanks.

Mum
(Re-enters the room) I searched for our best china mugs but they are no hair to be found.

Father
(Starts to snort trying to hide his laughter) Did you check the cupbald under the sink.

Mum
That was a good one Darling. (Starts to shake with laughter)

Man
Why don’t you get Kirsty one of my favourite chocy biscuits mum. You know, those wigon wheels.

The parents & the man are doubled up trying so very hard not to laugh. Eventually they succumb and are howling while rolling about on the floor.

Girlfriend grabs her bag and storms out of the house in tears.

Father
(After calming down) That was one of the best yet.
Now who you bringing around next week?

EXT. A FIELD IN SOME LOVELY ROLLING COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.

A MAN is sitting on a rug in the field apparently by himself, there is a hamper and various food items, cutlery etc. scattered around. He is trying to eat a sandwich but keeps stopping just as he is about to take a bite to swat at something around his head. He is clearly not happy.
After about 15 seconds of this cut to…

INT. A CAR. DAY.

We see the MAN driving. We only see his side of the car as if the camera was mounted on the bonnet facing him. We don’t see the passenger side or who he’s talking to. He is still not happy.

MAN: (as if we’ve joined him in the middle of an argument) Well it’s not my fault. I made the effort to come on this picnic, much good that it did. (BEAT) I said it’d be a disaster. Your father stole all the jam, your sisters were all over the cakes and I got your brothers’ names mixed up again. (HALF BEAT) I still reckon they look too much like one another and it’s not just me. (BEAT) You weren’t even there most of the time, and whilst you went off exploring that apple tree your mother attacked me. I told you she doesn’t like me, she just won’t forget about the first time I met her and that ‘newspaper’ incident. She went for my face you know. My face! I was lucky to fend her off with my arm.

He shows his left arm to the unseen passenger.

MAN: (cont) See, that’ll leave a mark. Well that’s it. I’m never going on another picnic with your family ever again.

Cut to the passenger seat to reveal that his wife is a perfectly ordinary wasp. (BEAT) Then cut back to the MAN.

MAN: Oh, don’t start crying, let’s just pick up the kids and go home…

MIND YOUR GRAMMAR

Set in a front room of a house. Conversation going on between mother in her 70’s and son in his 40’s. Mother has always had annoying habit of correcting her son’s grammar whatever the topic of conversation. It’s meant to show total lack of communication between the two characters.

Son: “Mum, things are never gonna..

Camera quickly turns to mother who grimaces at word

Son: [continuing without hesitation] “get any better between me and Fiona. I really think I have lost her and the kids this time Mum “[voice begins to break].

Mother [feigning some concern]:”Oh my poor Charles, it’s going to by the way, not gonna”

Son: [head in hands on sofa next to mother]: “It’s just I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t live without them. They are my bloody life “

Mother recoils in horror at the word bloody but this time says nothing.

Son:” I’m not making it up Mum, she ‘ates me, absolutely ‘ates me”

Mother [again feigning some concern]: “I’m sure she doesn’t Charles. It’s hates, there’s an “H” in hate Charles you know that by now “

Son: “It’s all my fault Mum. I have never been able to relate proper to women. I mess up every time”

Mother: “Properly Charles. You have never been able to relate properly to women”

Son:” My counsellor at work wants to explore my childhood. He thinks it’s something to do with relationships I had at a young age”

Mother [defensively]: “Oh rubbish, I wondered how long it would be until I was to blame for all this”

Son: “Oh Mum I just feel so desperate. I can’t keep feeling all this pain. At times I think I might as well commit Ari kari, no one would give a damn”

At this point a distressed son runs out of the house.

Mother looking concerned shakes her head in disapproval. Says to herself.

Mother: “It’s hara Kiri Charles Hara Kiri...... Japanese for Belly cutting"

INT. A MAN IN PYJAMAS STANDS OUTSIDE A DOOR WAITING. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR SHARPLY.

DAD:
Come on hurry up, I’m late…

DAD WAITS THEN KNOCKS AGAIN.

DAD:
Oh come on you’ve been in there ages. Bloody teenagers. You can never get into the cellar in this bloody place.

AT LAST THE CELLAR DOOR OPENS AND A TEENAGE BOY COMES OUT WITH BLOOD ON HIS FACE

WILL:
Sorry I’ve been so long Dad, I cut myself raping and there was no bog roll to stick on it… oh, and we’re clean out of duct tape.

DAD:
Well, it was Mum’s turn to do ASDA this week. Alice?

MUM APPEARS OUT OF BREATH CARRYING TWO ASDA BAGS.

MUM:
Hi dear, sorry I was so long at ASDA they’ve moved all the aisles around. I couldn’t find the duct tape but I got this bike security chain though. Reduced!

SHE PULLS THE CHAIN OUT AND THEY ALL LOOK AT IT ADMIRINGLY. THERE IS A FEMALE GROAN FROM THE CELLAR. DAD GRABS THE CHAIN LOOKING ANNOYED.

DAD:
I’m getting sick of this bloody 9 to 5 routine, I’m holding this family together single-handed…

DAD GOES DOWN THE CELLAR

MUM:
That’s the last ASDA shop for now. We’re skint. How’s the kidnap going?

WILL:
We-e-ll.. the family say they want more proof it’s their mother.

MUM:
More proof?

WILL:
Yes and Dad’s already sent an ear, two fingers and the whole left foot…

MUM OPENS A PACKET OF ASDA CRISPS AND OFFERS WILL ONE.

MUM:
Sign of the times, nobody’s got cash any more but your dad just wont take credit cards…

WILL NODS IN AGREEMENT AND CHOMPS ON A CRISP.

MEET THE PARENTS.

Man is talking to his parents at the kitchen table.

Man
Mum Dad, I have a new girlfriend.

Father
What is wrong with her?

Man
She's a bit - shall we say - hairy. Is that ok.

(Parents clap their hands with glee)

Man
Right shall I bring her round to tea tomorrow.

Mum
Oh yes please. Ooooooooh the fun we can have. (Parents smile at each other)

Cut to
There is a knock at the door.
Man brings his girlfriend into the livingroom.

Mum
(Holds out her hand) Oh I do love her clothes. Hirsute is beautiful

Girlfriend
Um - I got it from Top Shop.

Father
Come in dear. I didn't catch your name.

Girlfriend
It's Harriet.

Mum
Ah - Hairy - et - what a lovely name.

(Parents & the man stifle giggles)

Mum
Sit down my dear. Just ignore the cat. He wants his Whiskas.

Girlfriend
Yes - of course. Um - here Mrs Brown. I've bought you a box of chocolates.

Mum
Oh thank you dear - but you shouldn't have gone to all that stubble.

Father
Shall I put them on the sideboard dear.

Mum
You just sit there and I'll make some tea.

Girlfriend
Is that a slight west country accent Mr Brown.

Father
How clever of you to notice. I come from Bristle.

Mum
Re-enters the room) I couldn't find our best china mugs last week but they seem to have miraculously a beard.

Father
(Starts to snort trying to hide his laughter) Would you like a furry cake my dear?.

Mum
That was a good one Darling. (Starts to shake with laughter)

Man ( nearly drops his china mug.)
Whoops - that was a close shave.

The parents & the man are doubled up trying so very hard not to laugh. Eventually they succumb and are howling while rolling about on the floor.

Girlfriend grabs her bag and storms out of the house in tears.

Man
Oh - sorry Mum, Dad. Moust-ache!

Father
(After calming down) That was even better than last.

An old sketch I found it's about a family I suppose lol.

INT- MARY AND JOSEPHS HOME JERUSALEM - MORNING
GOD SLOWLY OPENS HIS EYES, HE STRETCHES UNDER THE COVERS BRUSHING PIECES OF KEBAB OUT OF HIS BEARD.

GOD
That was a pretty wid party…

HE IS SUDDENLY MADE AWARE HE’S NOT ALONE, WHEN FROM BENEATH THE COVERS A WOMANS HAND APPEARS. HIS EYES GO WIDE AND HE SOFTLY MOVES THE HAND OFF HIS CHEST AND SLIPS OUT OF THE BED.

HE SNEAKS ACROSS THE BEDROOM IN HIS BOXER SHORTS WHICH SPORT A FEW HOLES, SLIPPING HIS JEANS ON HE PULLS HIS ROBES ON OVER THEM AND HE CONTINUES TIP TOEING ACROSS THE BEDROOM CARRYING HIS SANDALS.

HITTING A CREAKY FLOOR BOARD HE CRINGES BUT THE FIGURE IN THE BED DOESN’T MOVE. HE WORKS THE WINDOW OPEN AND SLIPS A NOTE ONTO HER BEDROOM CABINET BEFORE SHUTTING THE WINDOW AND MAKING A BREAK FOR IT.

INT – MARY AND JOSEPHS HOME JERUSALEM - DAY

MARY AND JOSEPH ARE SITTING ROUND THE TABLE HAVING DINNER MARY IS HEAVILY PREGNANT. THEY SIT IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

JOSEPH
Have you put on weight?

MARY
Oh I uhh, this is my sisters dress

JOSEPH
You’re sister? Nothing to do with the food that disappeared from the freezer?

MARY
I..uuh

JOSEPH
The donkey’s been hauling ass all week to keep that thing running for what? It’s been empty, now we’re going to need to get a new donkey. Cabinets and mushroom stools only pay for so much Mary. Then you. You sit there lying to me

MARY
I’m not lying!

JOSEPH
What about this letter I found in the bedroom cabinet? What happened to not til we’re married? What happened to that?

MARY
Oh…
(PAUSE)
I’m pregnant. It’s a miracle

JOSEPH SITS LOOKING BLANKLY FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE THE INFORMATION IS ACTUALLY PROCESSED.

JOSEPH
Bitch

JOSEPH SCRUMPLES THE PIECE OF PAPER AND THROWS IT, HE STANDS PUSHES HIS PLATE OFF THE TABLE AND LEAVES.

Well that was a pathetic effort wasn't it! How many entries? Probably less than Charley!

RIGHT - COMPETITION CLOSED - VOTE NOW - VOTING CLOSES TUESDAY 7TH AUGUST!!!!!

I vote for Gavin he's my hero.... but as a second choice Frankie Rage

Frankie Rage

Charley

After much deliberation ... hard judging one sketch against anuvver innit?

KENT PETE

charly for me

Michael Monkhouse, short but very funny-not literally, I've never actually seen the guy!