I suddenly had a desire to try writing a stand up routine. I have an idea how this will develop but it's late and I need some rest.

I can't ever see myself performing this and I don't even know if it's any good but here's the first minute or so anyway as a taster...

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I ENTER THE STAGE AREA SHOUTING AT THE AUDIENCE.

Stand up! Stand up! Stand up! Stand up! etc

AUDIENCE SLOWLY BEGIN TO RISE. I STOP AND LOOK AT THEM, PUZZLED.

What are you doing...?

I PRETEND TO LISTEN TO SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE

I did not tell you to stand up! No, I didn't - I was giving audio subtitles for the bloke at the back who's hard of hearing. Sit down for God's sake - isn't it bad enough he can't hear? Now he can't even see what's going on, the poor beggar.

THE AUDIENCE SITS.

That's better...

Ladies and gentlemen I am a comedian and I'm here to do stand-up comedy.

A STAGE HAND BRINGS ON A CHAIR AND HANDS ME A NOTE. I LOOK AT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN TO THE AUDIENCE.

It's from the management. Though I am booked to do stand-up they thought I should have chair on standby as a precaution should I get over excited.

Isn't that thoughtful? Afterall, I only recently turned 40 and this is my first gig so I have no-idea how it's gonna go. I mean, comedy is such a subjective thing isn't it and there's every chance that my sense of humour is not going to be compatible with yours. That doesn't mean my jokes aint funny it just means that I have better chance of laughing at this routine than you have. You'll just have to take a chance and live dangerously.

Have you ever wondered about that phrase? To live dangerously? To some it might merely be about stepping out of their comfort zone to give an important speech. Personally I don't think that sounds all that dangerous at all. Not unless the audience consisted of a room of agitated tigers with heavy colds who have just split up with their girlfriends. It's certainly not dangerous compared to using a hand grenade to cure constipation. Mind you, I guess that if you ever had the goal of shitting yourself you'll find both equally effective.

[To be continued]

This made me smile quite a bit.

It has a style of its own, sort of edgier Ronnie Corbett-ish with some idiosyncratic and very amusing jokes.

I think though that perhaps it may work better as an insert in a comedy drama because of the set pieces involved (stage hands bringing on a chair etc)

I don't frequent comedy clubs but feel that perhaps the opening, although good, would require the good will of an audience, and given the bear pit mentality of some of these places you might get booed off before you get a chance to establish rapport with the audience.

Still I really enjoyed it and it might be the start of a set to use when you are doing your stadium tour in two years time.

"That doesn't mean my jokes aint funny it just means that I have better chance of laughing at this routine than you have" - I liked that.

I didn't like much else about it I'm affraid - you don't want to go on about it being your first time and how you're doing comedy - in honesty no one cares! Tell jokes and do your stories don't become self aware - sure, briefy give it a mention it's your first time (virgin joke?) but that's about it.

I think the stage hand thing wouldn't work either, first you'd need to get someone to do it, you're starting out people won't do shit for you, you'll probably have a compere and some sound mixer guy and that's it.

I think you should probably consider trying a more traditional route of stand up writing before going full throttle into a routine like this - seems like you're trying to run before you can walk.

I left after the interval. The bar was too crowded.

I would suggest, and I'm no expert or anything, that next time you get an urge to try your hand at stand-up, you should in fact bury both your hands in as much quick-setting cement as you can find in your area, as that outburst was quite simply the worst thing I've ever heard.

Have you ever thought about commentating at funerals?

Thordox speaks.

Quote: SimonTX @ January 29 2009, 1:58 AM GMT

I would suggest, and I'm no expert or anything, that next time you get an urge to try your hand at stand-up, you should in fact bury both your hands in as much quick-setting cement as you can find in your area, as that outburst was quite simply the worst thing I've ever heard.

Have you ever thought about commentating at funerals?

Thordox speaks.

View original

Simon you're new so I will ignore most of what you've written, please read the critique rules - if you have a problem please feel free to never enter this forum or these boards again

And welcome!

Quote: SimonTX @ January 29 2009, 1:58 AM GMT

I would suggest, and I'm no expert or anything, that next time you get an urge to try your hand at stand-up, you should in fact bury both your hands in as much quick-setting cement as you can find in your area, as that outburst was quite simply the worst thing I've ever heard.

Have you ever thought about commentating at funerals?

Thordox speaks.

View original

I love you too Simon, I hope you know that.

OK, it wasn't great but your comments were a little pointed for someone who has just joined.

I see from your profile that you've had stuff commissioned - would you care to share some more details or enlighten us with constructive criticism rather than vitriol?

Thordox is ashamed with his behaviour. Thordox apologises. Thordox doesn't actually get the "audio subtitles" joke, then drank a lot of gin, and then got confused and lashed out. Thordox apologises.

Alright mate, let's start again shall we? Less said about this thread the better!

Simon agrees. Simon says sorry.

What you have done, as is the case with most funny, articulate people first attempting stand-up, is produce a soulless, mildly amusing one-man diatribe.

Writing an act uninspired, even with the best, most earnest intentions, will always appear trite and conceited when written simply for the sake of it. There are few rules when it comes to stand-up comedy, but present in any successful act is stylistic sincerity and a personal response.

Most have thought about punning "stand-up" and cast the idea aside having come to that very realisation. It's the same impulse that stops you referencing Gaza to Gazza, or putting the "fun" in "fundamentalism". You have as much power to make people groan as you do laugh - it's why stand-up can provoke such vitriol. Banality is your enemy.

I would think similarly about your Blackadder-esque simile. While each word is entirely yours, the mechanism is tried-and-tested, and - to risk an angry rebuke from fans - now a touch dated.

You seem to be naturally proficient with complicated syntax, but in describing nothing of significance it comes across convoluted. Don't over-egg a mediocre idea. Those with your ability to write will always be guilty of it. Marcus Bridgstocke is as 'wordy' a comic as I can think of, but he is noticeably selective over which ideas to embellish.

Stand-up is not so much a knack as a practised skill. Nobody knows their best style or material or on-stage persona immediately, or even within the first six-months of performing. A pragmatic, pen-to-paper approach more often than not produces dross, but the more you think about it the better you become; the more you write, the more scraps of gold that filter through.

If what you had written was beyond hope, I would not have wasted my time. Take encouragement from the fact that you have shown an enthusiasm to produce original material, not derivative of any particular comic and that your evident quality as a writer will eventually provide you a worthy act, should you keep at it.

Er......Yeah what Mav said innit?

Actually the only thing to add is that it comes over as a bit of a variety act with the opening gambit and stage hand passes a chair etc.

Good effort!

Cheers for the feedback.

I do wonder why I wrote it as I never had any intention of performing it and I can now see the opening is a bit messy/cliched.

Still, it was a worthwhile exercise as it meant that I was trying a new style of writing and that can obly help me in the long run.

Yeah, I have to agree that this wouldn't be a good way to start your routine. The best thing to do is just get a big laugh as quickly as possible. It also helps if you can somehow engage the audience by directly referring to them, maybe by asking a question that has a punchline.

But on the plus side at least you're trying to be different which is a good thing.

I liked the delivery, I like the style.....however

I thought the material was weak, almost apologetic, maybe to win the audience over? I don't know.

You can't be a great chef without good ingredients (the food is in the eating, after all) and it's a lot easier to get hold of good ingredients isn't it.

Maybe:

'Ladies and gentlemen I am a comedian and I'm here to do stand-up comedy...f**king job centre'.

A STAGE HAND BRINGS ON A CHAIR AND HANDS ME A NOTE. I LOOK AT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN TO THE AUDIENCE.

It's from the management, for f**ks sake, just because I've turned 40!
I wouldn't mind but without a rubber ring I'll end up squising me nobby stiles to kingdom come.
I'm every gay man's dream... to have that many textures and not even get balls deep!

I just f**king wouldn't mind,(pause) but they weren't mine to begin with! Pissing NHS, as if the MRSA wasn't enough, routine operation they said, routine?
I went in to have them removed, must of thought I was the Jordan of hemorrhoid world, bigger than ever now, doubt if I'd get my tacky arsed, no pun intended (points to arse), wedding photo's in Hello magazine though........the things I'd do to Peter Andre, no, noooooo, well, not what you lot are thinking, no not that, not up up his perfectly formed butt orifice, noooo, to take him, not literally..... I mean he'd be a brave man to return the favour after what I've told you, although.... No, to take him to a f**king good solicitor, or those lot that did Princess, lady whatever 1980's hairstyle, 1 GCSE, ginger lad's a racist Di's Mercedes in....right in, I didn't know Prince Philip could drive a Manual, let alone a FIAT.

My bag's full and I'll probably meet with an untimely end, ironically a land mine of some description.

Good night.

Go forth chef, go organic chef, shop at Sainsbury's or Morrisons, not TESCO, chef!