I guess you're just having some fun with this Alex which is cool. Best advice is to have a big laugh within the first minute. As soon as possible really. That's what hooks your audience and then they will go with you. After a minute you've lost them. So have something great on the first page if possible.

Do you think a physical gag is better than a spoken one in the first minute?

By the way I tried to download your script by it was all buttons and whiteness and I got scared. If you email it to nortonwright@googlemail.com I'll read it.

Cheers!

A physical gag gets a more visceral response it is true. And given the nature of the relationship between a stage/studio play and the audience it might be worth thinking along those lines - probably combining the two as long as it can be organic I guess.

But the first audience is the reader so it wouldn't want to be too elaborate.

Thanks, Marc.

Quote: Marc P @ August 28 2008, 12:57 PM BST

I know that's what the Writersroom asks for Sootyj, what I was saying was that most, if not all, of the readers will have made a judgement way before ten pages. Some people won't even finish the first page.

View original

That's what I did.

I gave up after about two pages I'm afraid.

Nothing grabbed me early on.

To download it you just need to scroll down and wait for the link to appear.

Actually, I'm glad this got bumped.
For thosde of you who could bare to read more than two pages before the crushing, self-harm inducing boredom of it all forced you to stop; would it be funnier to keep the funeral home stuff as is or make it so Sonia gets them thrown out of the place forcing them use a pet funeral home; disgusing Beryl as an overweight dog.

I couldn't think of a new scene to stick at the beginning so I need to find new ways to add more minutes once I shorten scene 1.

Quote: Eggie @ September 3 2008, 12:53 AM BST

To download it you just need to scroll down and wait for the link to appear.

Actually, I'm glad this got bumped.
For thosde of you who could bare to read more than two pages before the crushing, self-harm inducing boredom of it all forced you to stop; would it be funnier to keep the funeral home stuff as is or make it so Sonia gets them thrown out of the place forcing them use a pet funeral home; disgusing Beryl as an overweight dog.

I couldn't think of a new scene to stick at the beginning so I need to find new ways to add more minutes once I shorten scene 1.

View original

I haven't read it, but you aren't really encouraging me to by implying it's crushingly boring (if you were telling me this face to face you might have a great knowing smile and Roger Moore eyebrow raised, but this is the internet and I can only go on your words).

Having not read it, I don't think you should be looking to "find new ways to add more minutes". Use the space you need to tell the story of the characters. Don't write to fill space.

Quote: Badge @ September 3 2008, 1:04 AM BST

a great knowing smile and Roger Moore eyebrow raised

View original

That's my Mrs when she says,'Where's the baby oil?

Eggy excessive humility is the highest arrogance, if you don't think something's worth reading.

Frankly don't post it. I may have posted some stinkers in my time, but lack Gordon Brown's mum I thought they had some charms.

Also guys let's not be to harsh, sitcom is hard to write.

By all means be honest, but I'd hate to go back to the stage that people stopped posting up sitcom scripts.

I don't think my script's without charms, I like my sexy uni girls and rhgeir jokes about choking on vomit. But why should I say and say I think the script's 'good'? It's not good. If it was properly good I wouldn't post it on a critique forum; I'd send it to the BBC.

If we weren't meant to post things we didn't think were good here then 'critique' is a mis-leading forum title. It should be called 'the showing off forum' or the 'rape joke suggestion forum'

Do you hand in quickly dashed out and unfinished essays at college Eggie?

Have to say I disagree with both of you.

One should put up stuff that one reckons can be improved otherwise why bother? On the other hand if your doubts are so extreme, maybe you need to do more work yourself.

And if you've got some good ideas for scenes and characters out them up on their own.

You cant disagree with me Sootyj it goes against natural law. There is an exponetial relationship I should think between the amount of effort someone puts into a piece of work and the amount of effort someone else will put into critiquing it.

Not really some people who are pracitised and/ or talented can produce a passable script with out much effort.

Some one less experience/able may struggle to produce a script, with one or two nuggets of quality.

Of course, you need real fibre to produce nuggets of quality.