I'm doing stand up for the first time in a few weeks so i thought i'd just post some of my material. I've got a feeling my delivery isn't going to be the best so i thought i'd get some feedback on the actual jokes so if it goes horribly wrong i don't bin them if they're any good.

I've posted what i think are my strongest jokes so hopefully you don't think i'm just unfunny and some of the one's i'm not sure about so anyway tell me what you think. By the way i'm 6"6 hense the peter crouch thing.

1,2 1,2,3 I'm not testing the mic I'm just counting the number of murders my dad has committed …. upon hearing I was coming to visit.

Erm (pause) I find saying erm is like the password i have to enter in order to get to the joke, when I say erm I instantly remember the joke easy - sometimes when I say it, it doesn't work I need to say it a few times before my brain gets the picture failing that i will launch into some rambling about using the word erm to remember my material hiding the fact that I haven't learnt my material properly

Is Jesus the son of God or did Mary tell the best lie ever to Joseph as to why she was pregnant
Mary: Yeah its yours
Joseph: What I had a vasectomy
Mary: Damn why do we live in such a scientifically advanced city
Joseph: I got it so we wouldn't have to do the 10 mile round journey to Bethlehem
Mary: (thinks) It's god's child
If the Jeremy Kyle show had been created then it would have solved a lot of problems later on.

If you haven't noticed I'm tall, Tall people get the unlucky deal a fat guy comes up to me in the street and says you're really tall that's fine that's accepted but then if I turn around and say you're really fat suddenly I've done wrong like the other day this happened to me when I walking in the park well it didn't exactly happen the way I've just explained the fat person was alright with it, it was his parents pushing the swing that had the problem. They left disgusted soon after I helped them really since he probably wanted to go on the sea saw next.

When Peter Crouch did that robot dance I was still in school and it was the worst 2 weeks of my life kids in the schoolyard chanting do the dance, I was kept in detention while my maths teacher filmed me doing it with the current problems in schools I should clear up ‘it' was the robot dance I don't want him to face any charges in fact I do he f**king raped me that'll teach him for telling me to learn pie to 20 decimal places. That joke weeds out the unintelligent members of the audience because they assume I mean an actual pie.

The police are apparently getting better but still they haven't managed to convict a single person who has committed suicide. Sometimes the only way you can get respect is by committing suicide everyone loves you if you commit suicide. Look at Kurt Cobain a drug addict, commited suicide hes a musical genius, Amy Winehouse must be crying her heart out, as with every theory there are exceptions take Hitler for example no-one think hes great there are limits.

It is absolutely impossible to buy presents for ginger people you can't please them at all all they want to do in life is to go bald forget the dream house and car baldness is what ginger people want, I'd imagine that they want cancer just so they can get chemotherapy the worst mistake I've made in my life, other than this gig was buying anti balding cream for my dad's 40th birthday he looks upon hair thinning like Hitler looks upon the holocaust. Ginger people do have a raw deal especially nowadays since racism and homophobia became frowned upon.

Hi Brian Welcome to the forum.

Ok the routine:

"1,2 1,2,3 I'm not testing the mic I'm just counting the number of murders my dad has committed …. Upon hearing I was coming to visit". - Don't see the point in it, it's not really very funny.

The Mary being pregnant and all that stuff has been done before it's not a very original twist, I feel I might have heard it before somewhere actually.

The maths teacher and the fat thing are a bit weak too, you could stick with a shortened down version of the tall and fat thing (that could work) but keep it short and move on.

Suicide joke… actually someone has been convicted and arrest for suicide... ironically he was hung (I'm not even kidding) – Make a joke out of it?

As for the rest I don't know if it was the way I was reading it, but I understood none of it.

And the final jokes about ginger people and balding another weak and rather dull gag.

I'm Sorry to be harsh Brian, but the audience will be a lot worse, this entire routine needs an overhaul in my opinion - pretty much start from scratch - you're using a lot of old formats - Hitler, ginger people, fat people, religion - I put my hands up I have jokes like this in my routine but they have to be fresh and have a totally different twist on things.

Like I say overhaul city for this routine my friend or you will be hearing crickets.

They left disgusted soon after I helped them really since he probably wanted to go on the sea saw next.

The above line needs taking out [always end with the laughline, in this case the line before]

there are exceptions take Hitler for example no-one think hes great there are limits

The above line needs to be.....
There are exceptions and limits, no one thinks highly of Hitler.

Ginger people do have the raw deal since we can't be racist and homophobic.

and the above line should be as I have altered it.

[All IMO that is]

Okay thanks for your opinions, better to hear criticism on here than at the gigs i guess

Brian,

Much of what could be said has been already, but this stuff has some potential. I think you've had some good ideas which could be developed into a good finished product.

Once you've got a good set-up for a "comedic moment", the key is to find the right place to go. For example, your "not testing the mic" set-up is fine, but the dad murder pay-off is a bit of a let down.

Steer clear of jokes that have been done before. Paul mentioned a couple, and the Tall/Fat joke is also a Steve Merchant copyright... as Paul said, try to find a different take on these topics if you want to use them. I did like the end to that joke (the obese child), but if you cover too much old territory before getting there, the audience may tire of your act too early.

Another thing, and this is just a pet hate: jokes about well-known celebrity foibles grow old very fast - case in point, Amy Winehouse. Make a joke about her, sure, but try steering clear of the drugs and inventing something new (unexpected absurdity is always funny if done well)!

Two final points: (1) Once you've started on a tangent, e.g. the way suicide victims are idolised, take it to the comic extreme. Rather than pointing out that nobody likes Hitler, why not argue that Neo-Nazis only like Hitler because he committed suicide - hence, your thesis "holds"? This is a poor example, but hopefully you see what I mean. (2) Please use proper syntax etc. when you're posting something for us to read, even if it is a rough outline of a stand-up routine. If it's well written and you've demonstrated exactly what you're going to do, you'll receive far more useful feedback.

That said, this shows promise and is a mighty good effort first up. Nice work; keep it up and you can only improve.

Tom.

Thanks, i realise Stephen Merchant does stuff about being tall didn't think it was a similar joke to his, regarding the mary thing i too thought i'd heard it somewhere before i'm heavily influenced by Gervais/Merchant and at first i thought it might be too similar to the joke Ricky Gervais does about the first person to get aids and their reasoning so i changed it obviously not enough.

You're right, you've written a different punch re. the Merchant-style joke, which I like. Just be aware that some chaps may get rowdy quickly, especially if you're not established. They'll be wary of anything that doesn't seem fresh and original.

I've never done stand-up (there aren't so many opportunities over here), so I'm far from qualified really; but perhaps take your three best ideas (the ones you feel have most potential) and develop them from as many angles as you can. Then you can choose the funniest (and most original) angle and take it from there.

I think it needs cutting. I've edited and added to my favourite bits. Hope it helps.
_________________________________________________________________________________

1,2 1,2,3 I'm not testing the mic I'm just counting the number of people who've walked out already - for Christ's sake hear me out!

If you haven't noticed I'm tall. If a fat guy says to me (POINT AT FAT BLOKE IN AUDIENCE) you, for instance - "You're really tall that's fine - but if I tell HIM "You're really fat, Well, at best it's politically incorrect - at worst, he's sitting on my face!. ( TO FAT BLOKE IN AUDIENCE) Politically incorrect - or sitting on my face? (IN RESPONSE TO ANSWER) You would say that, wouldn't you!

Is Jesus the son of God or did Mary tell the best lie ever to Joseph as to why she was pregnant
If the Jeremy Kyle show had been created then it would have solved a lot of problems.
"Mary - you are a lying little toe-rag - the DNA test says that ........God..... is the father!"

That's my religious joke done - moving on......

It is absolutely impossible to buy presents for ginger people - not that I'd particularly WANT to. You can't please them at all can you? All they want is to go bald. Forget the dream house and car - baldness is what they want. Sex, drugs and anti-balding cream - (TO BALD MAN IN AUDIENCE) - Am I right - or am I right?
_____________________________________________________________________________

Can I ask you this: why do you want to do stand-up?

Is that a serious question? If so, i love comedy

yeah. fair enough. good luck with it.

Quote: Morrace @ August 26 2008, 4:12 PM BST

I think it needs cutting. I've edited and added to my favourite bits. Hope it helps.
_________________________________________________________________________________

1,2 1,2,3 I'm not testing the mic I'm just counting the number of people who've walked out already - for Christ's sake hear me out!

If you haven't noticed I'm tall. If a fat guy says to me (POINT AT FAT BLOKE IN AUDIENCE) you, for instance - "You're really tall that's fine - but if I tell HIM "You're really fat, Well, at best it's politically incorrect - at worst, he's sitting on my face!. ( TO FAT BLOKE IN AUDIENCE) Politically incorrect - or sitting on my face? (IN RESPONSE TO ANSWER) You would say that, wouldn't you!

Is Jesus the son of God or did Mary tell the best lie ever to Joseph as to why she was pregnant
If the Jeremy Kyle show had been created then it would have solved a lot of problems.
"Mary - you are a lying little toe-rag - the DNA test says that ........God..... is the father!"

That's my religious joke done - moving on......

It is absolutely impossible to buy presents for ginger people - not that I'd particularly WANT to. You can't please them at all can you? All they want is to go bald. Forget the dream house and car - baldness is what they want. Sex, drugs and anti-balding cream - (TO BALD MAN IN AUDIENCE) - Am I right - or am I right?
_____________________________________________________________________________

View original

Yeah it does help but i've been told and read things that say you shouldn't pick on audience members unless they've heckled you. The first line i do like and its funnier than mine but it would look stupid if everyone was just sitting there.

Quote: jdubya @ August 26 2008, 4:27 PM BST

yeah. fair enough. good luck with it.

View original

Why do you ask?

Quote: Morrace @ August 26 2008, 4:12 PM BST

1,2 1,2,3 I'm not testing the mic I'm just counting the number of people who've walked out already - for Christ's sake hear me out!

View original

Quote: Brian H @ August 26 2008, 4:28 PM BST

The first line i do like and its funnier than mine but it would look stupid if everyone was just sitting there.

View original

If the exit's near 'the stage - fair enough. If the exit's at the back (where it usually is) - the audience will be looking front (at YOU). When you deliver "walked out already", THEN they'll look toward exit - but by then they will have 'gone'.

Quote: Morrace @ August 26 2008, 4:12 PM BST

All they want is to go bald. Forget the dream house and car - baldness is what they want. Sex, drugs and anti-balding cream - (TO BALD MAN IN AUDIENCE) - Am I right - or am I right?

View original

Quote: Brian H @ August 26 2008, 4:28 PM BST

Yeah it does help but i've been told and read things that say you shouldn't pick on audience members unless they've heckled you.

View original

Read this - try it.

thanks then

Just have a lot of friends with you when you attempt to leave the building.