F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Gappy
1 - Me
Next topic: Sport (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 8.6.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 5 - Gappy, Me
2 - 3 - Otterfox
GREGOR:Whew! That was a brilliant match, wasn't it, boss? Got to be happy with that!
ALAN:Gregor, you lost.
GREGOR:Yeah, sure, but, still a brilliant match.
ALAN:You lost in seconds.
GREGOR:I think you're missing the point, boss. I played with swagger, dog. Panache is half the battle.
ALAN: Panache is precisely none of the battle. The rules are quite specific about the nature of the battle. You may love showboating, Gregor, but your opponents find you predictable.
GREGOR: Oh, Alan, the crowd loves it. All the great sportspeople have a signature move.
ALAN:Yes, but most of them don't play Rock, Paper, Scissors. It's quite easy to beat someone who starts with rock every single game.
GREGOR:I think you over-estimate people's ability to spot that pattern.
ALAN:You call yourself Gregor "The Rock" Padrewski.
GREGOR:Just showing some love for Gibraltar.
ALAN:You come out to a medley of "We Will Rock You", "Rock It" and "I Am A Rock".
GREGOR:Actually, the Simon & Garfunkel's kind of a buzzkill. I'm changing it to "Let There Be Rock" or "Five Finger Rock Gambit" or "Look My Hand Is Shaped Like A Rock"
ALAN:I think that makes it obvious you're going to do rock!
GREGOR:It's a hint, but they never know, I might not do rock. I might do paper.
ALAN:You go onstage wearing boxing gloves.
GREGOR: Purely symbolic.
ALAN:It's not! It's not symbolic of anything except your stupidity! [SHAKING FIST] I'm done with you, Gregor! I'm no longer your manager, and I curse you for the years of my life you've cost me!
GREGOR:No, no, Alan, you're doing it wrong. It's like [RAISES FIST WITH A FLOURISH AND A BLUE STEEL LOOK] Panache!
ALAN:Actually, that was really cool.
NO COMMENT
PUB.
DES LYNHAM and MATE.
MATE Hi, Des.
DES Good evening viewers and in a packed programme...
MATE I was sorry to hear you, ahem, f**ked off.
DES Yes, funny old game.
MATE Despite all those years...
DES Putting in a shift.
MATE Still, despite the awful evening...
DES A cold, windy night in Stoke.
MATE Let's approach dinner...
DES Stepping up to the plate.
MATE With a cocktail...
DES Into the mix.
MATE Or shandy antics...
DES A game of two halves.
MATE Which you'll no doubt grab.
DES Definitely got the bottle.
MATE Or a snack, like an...
DES Onion bag.
MATE Then we can watch TV.
DES Running the channels.
MATE Like Robin Hood...
DES Fox in the box.
MATE Which is shit.
DES That's dig.
MATE And then leave through the...
DES Early doors.
MATE And cuddle up with a manual.
DES Textbook!
MATE Because it isn't over till...
Enter ADELE.
It's been another overwhelming response but I'm afraid that there can only be one winner. Very well done, Gappy!
I think you'll find it might be a draw.
Two fleas had a race to the centre of my shirt. Ended in a tie.
Anyone else want to vote?
Got my dates totally mixed up. I know my entry is too late but three entries always look better than two...
Vance:
It's sports correspondent Vance Conrad reporting from my desk, but join me now reporting from a kitchen somewhere...
Vance:
....Freezing weather conditions can spawn pastimes, and we've discovered a sporting one. One that marries the disciplines of swimming and
freezing. I speak of course of 'snowswimming'. I'm joined now by Todd Lewis who is both a snow swimmer and an idi- ahem,
Hello Todd.
TODD:
Hi Vance.
Vance:
We understand that you are about to partake in a spot of snow swimming right now, is that correct.
TODD:
That's correct sir, that is correct, that-is-correct.
Vance:
Lovely and how do you prepa-
Todd:
You may be wondering how I prepare for it. Well alls you got to do is wait inside your door until it's winter. Then you wait for some snow to
arrive; then you just strip off to your trunks and dive in.
Vance:
Is it not dangerous? Are you not opening yourself to the possibility of hypothermia by jumping practically naked into a couple of feet of snow
in subzero temperatures?
TODD:
Oh no sir, no, no, no. The anticipation builds up inside me all year round to such a high level that it sort of heats me to boiling point. I know
I'm ready when I begin to whistle.
Vance:
Like a kettle?
Todd:
No I'm fine thanks. So by the time I dive into the snow I've built up my own resistance to the cold.
Vance:
We hear that you are seeking out bigger and better thrills. Is that correct?
TODD:
If you were to ask me if that was correct I'd say yes it is sir.
Vance:
So where do you go from here?
TODD:
Just got to step over the dog now, open the back door and spring in a sort of diving motion so that I'm propelled off the ground.
Vance:
And these bigger thrills, what do they entail?
TODD:
Well the entailing, the entalationthe entaley...the story of them is that I'm going bigger and better. We don't get snow all year round so if they
ain't bringing the snow to me, then I got to bring the snow to them. I mean, I got to bring the snow to where I ain't.
Vance:
To where you ain't? So you're going to source snow and bring it to a neutral location....and then swim there?
TODD:
No, not even close. This year sir I've set my sights on Everest.
Vance:
You're going to climb Everest?
TODD:
Think one better...
Vance:
You're going to climb it twice?
TODD:
Think once more...
Vance:
You're going to climb it in your trunks?
TODD:
Think an extra bit.
Vance:
I really don't want to.
TODD:
Alright. I, Todd Lewis am going to be the first man to swim Everest!!
Vance:
But that's impossible.
TODD:
They said Superman was impossible.
Vance:
He is!
TODD:
It's all got to do with dynamics. All you got to do is apply your horizontal swimming techniques in a vertical way.
Vance:
I've seen clips of this snowswimming. You can't really progress for any great distance due to it being thick and, well, compacted.
TODD:
How dare you! I don't mind people who mock me personally or even make fun of my ambitions but when you belittle snow, that sir, that is
the final straw!
Vance:
I take it back and would like to apologise to snow everywhere....So I know you've been raring to jump into your yard and take your swim so off you go.
TODD LAUGHS GIDDILY. SOUND OF CRUNCHING SNOW.
Vance:
So how did that feel?
TODD
TEETH CHATTERING)
Bbbrilliant. Nnnever fffelt bbetter. Ffelt warm if
anything. (OFF MIC, BARELY AUDIBLE) Ooh Ggod. (SHIVERING)
Vance:
Well it certainly bodes well for your Everest attempt.
TODD:
Yyyyes it dddoes.
END
gappy gets my vote. Rock paper scissors is my kinda sport!
Michael and Otterfox also good, liked Otter's snowswimming stuff. They said Superman was imposible!
I didn't get a couple of the Des Lynam lines in Mike's entry. Though "onion bag" is funny in an absurdist kind of way, even though it probably does make proper sense and stuff
Fun sketch from Gappy so 'tis he for me.
Good stuff. Results cumming...