F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Me
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Presentation
Leg closed: 5.5.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 2 - Me
1 - 1 - Otterfox
WOULD YOU ADAM AND STEVE IT
CONTINUITY (glad I got that right) ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen and you, and welcome to tonight's TV rundown. First up this evening it's 'This Morning with Richard and Judy', in which Richard will be replaced by Stephen Fry and the part of Judy will be covered by Stephen Fry. Stephen Fry and Stephen Fry will be interviewing Stephen Fry on Stephen Fry's career, the life of Stephen, the times of Fry and the life and times of Stephen Fry. Then it's QI hosted by Stephen Fry, with a bunch of celebrity guests including Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry and of course Stephen Fry. Then it's film night, and this morning's films are Oscar, featuring Stephen Fry, The C**terville Ghost with a special appearance by Stephen Fry, and The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy in which the voice of the book has been exclusively entrusted to Stephen Fry. Finally it's comedy time, starting with A Bit Of Stephen Fry and the other one, the old classic Al Fresco - which introduced us to on Stephen Fry - all the Black Adders with Stephen Fry in them, a Litlle Bit More of Stephen Fry and that bloke, that episode of the Young Ones with Stephen Fry in it, and A Yet Bit More of Stephen Fry and the guy from Dr House, which will this week feature Stephen Fry. Finally it's the South bank show, in which Melvyn Bragg will replaced by Stephen Fry interviewing Stephen Fry about Stephen Fry in a Stephen Fry Special hosted by Stephen Fry, directed by Stephen Fry and conceived by Stephen Fry. So that's it, but tomorrow's Friday - oh God...
[Generic meeting room. 1 stands before white screen]
1: Ladies and gentlemen, as you know I've been doing some work streamlining your procedures and policies. My initial appraisal being over, my plan is to invite selected staff members in for meetings to discuss each individual document, which is why you're here today, as you are all well placed to review our first document, the Fire Safety Policy.
[Brings up front page of document on projector]
The policy's main aims are 1) to provide suitable fire safety equipment in all premises, 2) to adopt procedures allowing the safe and swift evacuation of staff and visitors, and 3) to try to stop employees starting fires. So, who can spot the flaw?
2: Is it that we should try a lot to stop employees starting fires?
1: Yes, that's good, well done. But even more pressing than that - what happens if there's a fire?
3: We all get out.
1: Right, and then?
2: The fire engines come?
1: Bingo. And what happens in between? [Pause and murmurs] This policy does not specify what we might cook if a fire breaks out.
3: Cook?
1: Of course! Efficiency, people! Why let a good conflagration go to waste? Crack out the marshamallows, cook tomorrow's lunch, dry the washing, anything.
2: But the policy is about fire prevention.
1: Yeah, sure, but let's be honest, fires are gonna happen, and when they do, maximise the potential. For example, don't you guys ever have any bodies you need to dispose of? [Awkward pause] Bodies? The corpses of enemies cluttering up the place, no? Nobody?
3: Not really.
1: Pity. Is that because you ate them?
2: What?
1: Feast on the flesh of the defeated foe, yeah, that's classic business practice. You get their abilities - it's like asset stripping, in a way. A tasty way. Anyway, next topic.
[Projected image changes to a typical Hammer image of a young woman in white on a stone altar, surrounded by cowled men]
1: How are you stocked for virgins?
INT. OFFICE. DAY. ADVERTISMENT EXEC WELCOMES A GROUP OF THREE HOPEFULS TO PITCH THEIR IDEAS.
EXEC:
Welcome one and all. As you know, we're looking for a new take on breakfast. How can it be revamped, renewed, reinvigorated and any other word beginning with 'r'. Step up here please and give it hell. Number one on the list we have Declan Smutch - go!
DECLAN:
Hi, when I say the word breakfast what images flood your mind? Bowls of Corn Flakes watching Saturday morning cartoons? Your mothers delicious fry ups perhaps? A juicy watermelon on a foreign holiday? Or a hasty hop and skip out the door longing to reach Starbucks just so that you can hop and skip out that door too? Yes, me too. But that's not what I'm here to talk about at all. What I really want to-
EXEC:
Next! Aam Sarah Gronooler. Shoot!
SARAH:
The breaking of dawn, the dawning of a new day, the breaking of fast, the fastest is first, the firstest is fast. Breakfast has an advantage over all the other meals, it's first. The early bird catches the worm. Now, while I'm not suggesting that you eat worms, I am suggesting that you are a bird - an early bird. Not that you're actually a bird but you're early if-if that's the time that you get up. If it gets up when you're early. Sorry! If your get up is at the start of early. If! You being early, get up at the beginning.
EXEC:
Next! Last one, Buck Finbar, please redeem or another word beginning with 'r', this farce.
SARAH: (CONTINUES SPEAKING HURRIEDLY).
You'll get all the good breakfasts then if you're up first. (BOWING CEREMONIOUSLY SEVERAL TIMES) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you......thank you-
EXEC:
BUCK!
BUCK HAS AN AIR OF CONFIDENCE/MAVERICK. HE HOLDS A BOOK IN HIS HAND ENTITLED 'HOW TO EAT A BREAKFAST'.
BUCK:
See this book. HE THROWS IT AWAY, PEOPLE GASP.
BUCK:
I've never read this handbook in my life and I can assure you that I never will.
(More Gasps)
BUCK:
Breakfast, pah! Don't make me sick! I see you all coming in here with your little pitches - little bitches more like. (MOCKINGLY) Ooh look at me promoting breakfast. Like me, like me.... it smacks of desperation.
If breakfast be the feast of kings then let me be a pauper. But...what do kings have?
VOICE 1:
A crown.
VOICE 2:
Sceptres.
VOICE 3:
A red cloak with white trim and black spots. It ties at the neck with laces that may well be a goldish colour.
VOICE 4:
A beard.
BUCK:
Correct, a chair. First thing in the morning you don't need to break fast, you need to break lie. You need to lie down in an upright position or 'sit'. That's where chairs come in. After an exhausting 8 hours of lying down, you're feeling tired and sluggish, so why not sit yourself down. That's why Chairworld now sells chairs, but that's not all, when you buy the front two legs you get the back two at minimum cost. But that's still not all, they also include a seat to put on the four legs and-
EXEC:
Times up!
HE PUSHES BUCK OUT THE DOOR.
BUCK: (FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
And also include a back so you're children won't have to sit like this. I know you can't see me because I'm gone out of the room but I'm leaning back.
EXEC:
Enough!
BUCK:
But that's still not all. Oh, actually it is. So, for the best break lie come on down to Chairworld where we chair-ish you. Hahahaha..... that laugh again is hahahaha!
END.
Very close. Otterfox.
Seconded
From Mikes Stephen Fry-ing pan into Gappys fire. Gappys fire efficiency takes it this week.
Michael, doing one of those things he sometimes does where he keeps saying a thing!!!!!!
This time it was "Stephen Fry"!!!!!!
The ending genuinely made me laugh, so I've clearly gone mad.
I agree with what you've said about Fry before on this forum, Mike. Some of the old Bit of Fry and Laurie sketches are excellent, and some other stuff he did, but nowadays....??
Wow, someone agrees with me about something. Better lower my standards.
Yeah, I liked A Bit Of Fry And The Other Bloke back in the day, especially the second series, but that would probably piss me off too now.
There is an intriguing discrepancy between how Stephen Fry sees himself and how I see him. He sees himself as and educated but engaging, amusing yet intelligent star; I see him as an irritating, self-obsessed, deluded wanker. Got that one in yer Cambridge dictionary, mate?
PS Slightly off-topic, I was dicking about on telly and ran into Sliding Doors. The funniest part is how they get Gwyneth Paltrow to say 'wanker' as many times as possible, cos the Yanks don't say it much and they think it's terribly Brit.
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