F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Me
1 - Gappy
Next topic: Technology
Leg closed: 4.4.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 8 - Me
3 - 6 - Tiggy
4 - 4 - Otterfox
5 - 2 - APlate
6 - 1 - Alfred Kipper
ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT
PUB.
TOM and DICK.
TOM Hey, I'm getting artificial intelligence.
DICK I'm sure that's only half true.
TOM I don't understand.
DICK Are you completely stupid?
TOM I don't understand that either.
DICK Shut up.
TOM Can I show you something?
DICK Do I have a choice?
TOM Nope. Name a female celebrity.
DICK Angela Merkel.
TOM No, a sexy one.
DICK Then I refuse to participate. I don't consider it terribly mature or respectful or 'new bloke' to look at a member of the opposite sex as a mere object.
TOM Britney Spears.
DICK That said, I welcome a second opinion.
TOM Good. Now, who's this? (shows him a photo on his phone)
DICK (shrugs) Britney Spears.
TOM Yeah, I know who it is.
DICK Then why did you...?
TOM Shut up. And now, getta loada THIS... (presses a button)
DICK (looks; does a double-take) Wow! It can't be... Britney Spears with all her clothes on.
TOM Yup, as clothed as the day after she was born.
DICK Britney in her twenty-first birthday suit! I never thought I'd see the day.
TOM It really is a dream come true.
DICK It's the end of an era.
TOM The end of civilisation as we never knew it.
DICK Yeah, but worse than that, it could be the end of Britney Spears! I mean, what if a paparazzi gets hold of this with his free hand?
TOM It doesn't bear thinking about... But it has to be fake.
DICK Yeah, but who was it who said, Splash enough about and someone'll swallow it?
TOM Jimmy Savile?
DICK I didn't know he was Catholic.
TOM Shut up... I can see the headlines now: 'Britney keeps her clothes on. And her hair. And doesn't smash the f**k out of a motorbike like a f**king nutter.'
DICK Don't worry, that'll never make 'the Sun'.
TOM Too shocking?
DICK No, more than two words... You know, I almost feel sorry for her.
TOM Nah, she's a celeb. She knew the risks. And in the words of Gordon Ramsay, If you can't stand the heat...
DICK F**k off out of it.
TOM That's not very nice.
DICK No, that's what he said.
TOM Shut up... And with the endless potential of Artificial Intellgents, you can see ANY celeb you like with every stitch of clothing on.
DICK Cameron Diaz...
TOM Megan Fox...
DICK Alina Jenkins...
TOM Oooh, steady on.
DICK But Tom.
TOM What's that, Dick?
DICK (looks down) Oops, sorry.
TOM It'll never catch on.
DICK (winces) I think it just did.
TOM But don't you think this constant bombardment of fake news, at-the-fingertips inebriation and total f**king shit may result in heightened attention-deficit syndromes, accelerate the already jeopardised cognitive decline and basically turn us all into a bunch of morons?
DICK I don't understand that either.
Blob: hi! Sorry I'm late.
Spot: no problem. I ate the cake I bought you. What kept you?
Blob: ah, it's my new sat nav, sometimes it sends me on odd routes. Like today I went via Trowbridge.
Spot: That's quite a way off course.
Blob: yeah, but it has a bridge, you see.
Spot: does it?
Blob: the clue is right there.
Spot: oh right, makes sense. But also makes no sense.
Blob: oh right, sorry, I forgot to finish explaining. My new Sat nav has the AI personality of James Brown.
Spot: is that good?
Blob: good? It's awesome! It's all "huh! Take the next left, sistah! Owww, get yo bad self over the crossroads! It's a roundabout and I'm about to lose control [Quickly] but don't lose control and take the third exit".
Spot: but the downside is it always takes you via a bridge?
Blob: at least one. And announces it a fair number of times in advance. Oh, and after journeys it tends to fine me for sloppy cornering and not pressing my trousers.
Spot: but it's the bridge thing that's most annoying?
Blob: yep. Still, I got the software very cheap just the other day. A company decided to stop using it.
Spot: which one?
blob: I forget the name; some shippping company in Baltimore...
Well...
Michael for me.
I didn't get the punchline on gappy's, something about James Brown and Baltimore or some such?
Naturally, I vote for Michael, but that's no chore, as I liked a bunch of the lines, especially, "as clothed as the day after she was born", that got a good chuckle from me.
My sketch is poor, and was written on my phone on a Japanese train, hence the inconsistent capitalisation, and general malaise. The punchline was supposed to allude to the recent bridge collapse disaster, and so anyone who didn't get it was saved some poor taste humour. Still, at least I'll get a vote from Michael, just for showing up, because he's honest like that 
Like my mother in the wanking contest, you beat off some stiff competition.