F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 3
Tiggy - 2
Next topic: Mexico (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 17.2.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 3 - Tiggy, Gappy
2 - 2 - APlate, Me
3 - 1 - Otterfox
DOWNTOWN
PUB
TOM and DICK.
TOM I'm thinking about a holiday...
DICK I preferred Vogue myself.
TOM No, my last holiday... Mexico.
DICK Legs and Co? That was years ago.
TOM No, Mexico City.
DICK They weren't that shitty. They were bits of all right.
TOM No, Tula.
DICK I thought you said to Mexico.
TOM Toluca.
DICK I thought you said...
TOM Tapachula.
DICK I thought you...
TOM Teziutlan.
DICK I thought...
TOM Monterry.
DICK I'd rather mount one of Legs and...
TOM Merida.
DICK It certainly would be a merry day.
TOM Leon.
DICK Lee on who?
TOM Nogales.
DICK Well if he's got no goolies, he can't...
TOM Cancrun.
DICK He can what?
TOM Acayucan.
DICK Who can?
TOM Tucumcari.
DICK They can tango too.
TOM Guaymas.
DICK It'd be a gay mass if...
TOM Queretaro...
DICK Queer too?
TOM Laredo.
DICK Larry does who?
TOM Del Rio.
DICK Del who?
TOM McAllen.
DICK Still don't know him.
TOM Catarina.
DICK Don't know her either.
TOM Veracruz.
DICK Or her.
TOM Raynosa.
DICK No, but I don't.
TOM Sonora.
DICK I'd love to.
TOM Huares.
DICK Whoress? Then I'd rather not...
TOM La Laguna.
DICK Never heard it called that before.
TOM Tlaxcala.
DICK Or that.
TOM Guadalajara.
DICK This is getting weird.
TOM Yucatan.
DICK I can what?
TOM You can f**k off... I actually went somewhere else with my wife.
DICK Jamaica?
TOM No, somewhere else.
I can't believe I won!
Um...
Just checked and Gappy got 3 votes and I got 2 so I'm not entirely sure how this voting system works...
Ah, Monkhouse maths, one of the comic leitmotifs of the site 
CAROL:Good morning, Doctor.
DOC:Ah, Mrs Brown. And what can I do for you?
CAROL: It's a bit delicate, really, It's about my...you know.
DOC:Yes, I think I do.
CAROL:I'm afraid it doesn't have any lettuce in it.
DOC: Or perhaps I don't.
CAROL: Does it matter if there's no lettuce? I mean, the rest of it doesn't look quite right, but it's the salad that really seems missing.
DOC:I'm afraid I'll need more context, Mrs Jones.
CAROL:My taco! My lady-taco! Don't you text at all?
DOC:Ah, I see. And you're concerned that your genital region doesn't sufficiently resemble the concomitant emoji?
CAROL:Yes, of course.
DOC:I think that's fine, it's what you might call symbolic, rather than anatomically accurate.
CAROL:You mean they don't all look like tacos?
DOC:Vanishingly few, in my professional experience. Surely you've seen enough of the human body to know that the emojis aren't accurate. I mean, you're married.
CAROL:Yes. And my husband is perfectly healthy, endowed with a totally normal aubergine penis: large, purple, bulbous, green at the end, and with a different name in America.
DOC:I see. Well, perhaps you might suggest he pops in to see me. Can I help with anything else?
CAROL: Yes, doctor. It hurts when I sit down.
DOC:That does seem to make sense...
Quote: Tiggy @ 9th February 2024, 6:15 PMI can't believe I won!
Um...
Just checked and Gappy got 3 votes and I got 2 so I'm not entirely sure how this voting system works...
Consider it dung.
A LADY LEANS OUT OF HER CAR WINDOW TO TALK TO A MAN.
LUCY: Hello! Excuse me, is this Shireton?
MAYOR GARCIA: No Señorita, this is Mexico.
LUCY: Mexico?
MAYOR GARCIA: Yes Mexico. We changed the name last year.
LUCY: Changed it? Why?
MAYOR GARCIA: Well we discovered that Mexico had far better brand recognition than Shireton.
LUCY: Er...Shireton is, was, a town of only about 10,000 people.
MAYOR GARCIA: Whereas the old Mexico over in...Mexico has well over double that. Everybody knows about them so now everybody knows about us.
LUCY: That's not how it works. You're still a small town here in this county.
MAYOR GARCIA: Might trick a few in coming here.
LUCY: How? What here is even remotely Mexican?
MAYOR GARCIA: Mrs Rodriguez has stopped serving sausage rolls in the tea shop. She only sells quesadillas now. And the pub has changed it's name to the Coach and Burros.
LUCY: The one in the town square?
MAYOR GARCIA: You mean the Place De La Republica?
LUCY: What?
MAYOR GARCIA: Next to the sombrero shop and the bull ring.
LUCY: Bull ring?! Please tell me you're not torturing poor animals!
MAYOR GARCIA: No! The shopping arcade was renamed when we briefly rebranded as Birmingham.
A LADY WALKS PAST
MRS LOPEZ: Hola alcalde García. Buenos días hoy. ¿No?
MAYOR GARCIA: ... Quite mad. Anyway, we've also changed the water fountain to dispense tequila.
LUCY: That must be popular.
MAYOR GARCIA: Bit too popular. We're having to build a wall to keep out all the Americans.
LUCY: That's a bit of a change. I'm surprised they would come all this way though.
MAYOR GARCIA: America is the next door village. Used to be called Little Haverville.
LUCY: Them rebranding too?
MAYOR GARCIA: Everybody is doing it.
LUCY: I'm leaving. This whole place is getting far too weird.
MAYOR GARCIA: OK. Have a safe drive.
LUCY: What's the quickest way back to the motorway?
MAYOR GARCIA: Take the Avenida San Jose out of town towards Scotland, turn left at Egypt, past Mars on the left, right at Alpha Centauri, and if you reach Hell you've gone too far.
THE END
Fanfatero Lopez was a Mexican pilot. Rumour has it that Fanfatero Calvino Lopez was born in Yucatan, Mexico on 2nd July 1900. Fact had it that he was not yet a pilot at this stage.
On his eigth birthday he turned eight but was still bereft of pilotdom.
Much later he studied to be a pilot. This was the turning point as immediately after finishing this course he turned into one.
He would carry people and products across remote regions of Mexico and everyone thought he was lovely and great and warm and a pilot, and they were mostly right.
In his spare time he flew planes.
He broke the land speed record, aerially. And became the fastest man to ever change out of his pilots outfit and go home.
Tales of his aerial prowess grew wings, not literally as he already had wings; plane ones. His reputation grew and it wasn't long before others found out about his up it the air abilities. Soon he was carrying cargo and messages for very important people, including the US President.
On 8th July 1932, Lopez was carrying a top
Secret message between presidents. The presidents in question were the Mexican one and the US fellow. So the saying 'stuck between two presidents', was born and only ever used once when Fanfatero whispered it under his breath.
His usual route was hit by a storm and he was forced to change course over a desert region he had never passed before. Soon his instruments started acting like pure imbeciles, giving stupid readings that everyone knew couldn't possibly be real. How they thought they'd get away with it no one knows. Then the radio equipment started failing. As if it wouldn't be able to communicate, everyone knew it was a total act. Because all of his gear was acting the maggot he had no option but to make an emergency landing in the middle of nowhere. That nowhere was somewhere and that somewhere was called the zone of silence. Fanfatero was unaware of this fact and made loads of noise cursing to the high heavens.
On second thoughts it may have been called the zone of silence due to its seeming blocking of all forms of communication. He tried driving the plane across the desert sand but it wasn't long before the rain storm caught up with him and turned the sand into a boggy swamp. The sand became thick and movement became slow - this is why it is called quick sand.
As his plane began to sink, Fanfateros began to sink with it. Just when he had lost all hope, three figures emerged from the storm. Two men and one woman. All were blonde, tall and beautiful. The first man wore a jockeys outfit with a ferret looking out of each pocket; the second man was slightly younger with an older face. He wore a sea captains outfit. He had a tuba around his neck with a snake inside. The woman was dressed in a bee outfit paired with tap dancing shoes and a husky on her back.
Fanfateros thought nothing of it as they pushed and heaved until the plane was free. He sped away for a couple of miles and hopped out to thank them but they had disappeared. In the distance he saw three figures. A jockey riding a husky, a human bee using ferrets as roller skates and a sea captain aboard a snake.
He had now build enough speed to take off so he did just that. His instruments stopped sulking, he was back in flight. When he arrived at the White House to deliver the message he discovered he no longer had it. And so the phrase 'the bee jockey sailor stole it', entered the lexicon of Fanfateros Calvino Lopez that one time and was never uttered again.
So if you ever find yourself flying over a mysterious Mexican desert and your instruments fail and you're helped by a beautiful jockey, bee and sailor, perhaps you'll check your pockets before they disappear on ferrets and the like. Goodnight.
MIGUEL, A CARBON COPY OF ELI WALLACH IN TGTBATU, COMPLETE WITH SOMBRERO, GUNBELT & PISTOLS ENTERS, CHEWS OFF A BIT OF HIS CIGAR AND SPITS IT OUT, THEN STICKS A POINTY KNIFE INTO THE TABLE IN FRONT OF NORMAN
MIGUEL: So, you English peeeeg, what is it to be eh, ze coward's way or ze maannn's way?
NORMAN: Erm...er...um...can I have a little more time to think about it...possibly?
MIGUEL: You English make me puke, no? No passion, no urgency, always you want more time - think, think, dawdle, dawdle, plan, plan. Where is your instinct and adrenalin, your spirit, your passion, your manliness??? I spit on your English phlegm!
SPITS
You dare come to ze table of Miguel ze Magnificent without an answer! No one does that without paying! You hear me peeeg?
NORMAN: Er, well, er just another minute or two maybe, and I'll er tell you. WHIMPERS
MIGUEL: Okay peeg, I give you one more minute to make up your mind. Ze clock is ticking, no? Tick, tock, tick, tock, heeheeheeheeeee.
ONE TOTUROUS MINUTE IS FINALLY UP
MIGUEL: So, your time is up, no? HAHAHAHA!!!
LEANING INTO NORMAN'S FACE WITH MENACING TEETH BEARING GRIN
What is it to be, English?
NORMAN: SWEATING NERVOUSLY Erm...erm okay! I'll try it with the Habanero chillies.
MIGUEL: Ha! You make ze right decision, Gringo.
SMILES WIDELY, PICKS UP THE KNIFE AND HUGS NORMAN
SHOUTS
Carlos, one Chilli Con Carne with Habanero peppers for our English guest! So glad you picked our speciality, Norman. Enjoy your meal, my friend.
NORMAN: (undoing his collar and tie, then wiping his forehead with a hanky): [WEAKLY] Er, ha ha. Yes of course. Thank you.
MIGUEL: Welcome to 'Ze Taste of Old Mehhhico', Madame, Sir, please be seated. So, what will it be you Yankee scum?
I liked them all... My vote is gappy - sort of traditional and modern, a classic setup with of course very 21st century references/dialogue. The lettuce stuff at the beginning hooked me in instantly.
Ottersf**k.
Fred Kipper this week.
I vote Monkhouse. The fact that he misheard everything for the entirety of the sketch tickled me. Strong ending too.
Vote was already on the way to Tiggy for including some nice satirical references such as Egypt, well done. And thanks for yours. Liked MM's typical ending too. Not a bad week.
A very enjoyable week, as reflected by the wide range of votes. I thought they were all fun, but I think it's TIggy who'll garner my vote.