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James

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The Hill
Episode-Chateauneuf du Pape
Written by James McCloskey

INT: THE FUNKY CHICKEN BAR BELFAST: DAY
GOLIATH 44, SMALL, FOLLICILY CHALLENGED AND ANGRY AND THE FOX 44, TALL, HANDSOME AND SOPHISTICATED ARE STANDING AT THE BAR. SAMMY 44 BIG, BUTCH AND BRASH IS PUTTING SMALL PLANT POTS ON TABLES, HE APPROACHES THEM. SAMMY THROWS DOWN AN OLD PICTURE OF HIM, GOLIATH AND A FEW OTHERS FROM THE LATE 90'S. THE FOX PICKS IT UP.

THE FOX
Oh, this is fantastic. Where are you Goliath you old scoundrel? I'm stumped! Is the big one at the back you Sammy?

GOLIATH
I'm the big one at the back.

THE FOX
Good heavens. You're smaller now than you were then.

SAMMY
Shrinkflation.

GOLIATH
Shut it.

THE FOX
You're standing in the same spot as you are now, and your heads below the light switch.

GOLIATH
Load of shite. That's switch has been raised.

SAMMY
It's been lowered actually. Turn the photo over.

GOLIATH TURNS THE PHOTO OVER AND READS IT.

GOLIATH
Jesus Christ. Forgot about that.

THE FOX TAKES THE PHOTO AND READS IT.

THE FOX
Oh no.

SAMMY
You got 4 days Goliath. And by the way if you don't pay up, I'm gonna buy your block of flats and evict you.

SAMMY RUBS HIS HANDS AND WALKS AWAY.

THE FOX
So, 25 years ago you two placed a bet...

GOLIATH
A blood oath.

THE FOX
A blood oath. So, whoever is the richest in 4 days' time owes the other one a grand. And if you can't pay up, we're on the streets. Well, there is 2 options here.

GOLIATH
Two? What's the options?

THE FOX
Have you a gun and pair of stockings?

GOLIATH
No.

A LARGE LEG APPEARS NEXT TO THE FOX'S FACE. ITS BIG CATHY. SHE IS BIG, TOUCHY FEELY AND HER GENDER IS QUESTIONABLE.

GOLIATH
Sweet cheeks. This is my twin brother The Fox. He's moved over from London. This is Big Cathy she is just recently moved to God's country herself.

THE FOX
She?

HE STANDS UP TO SHAKE HER HAND AND SHE NEARLY BREAKS IT. SHE PULLS HIM CLOSE TO HER

BIG CATHY
Are you onto me?

SAMMY
(Shouts over)
Cathy the world's strongest man is starting and your Guinness with a side of picked eggs is ready.

BIG CATHY
Mmm perfect lady's lunch. I'll be keeping an eye on you Mr Fox.

THE FOX
(Under his breath)
As long as it's not your Jap's eye.

THE FOX NOTICES A MISSING PERSONS PICTURE ON THE WALL. MISSING 'BIG WILLIE WONKER'. LAST SEEN 4 WEEKS AGO. HELP US FIND OUR WILLIE. PHONE 07707391321 WITH ANY INFORMATION

THE FOX
(Pointing to the poster)
Who's Big Willie Wonker?

GOLIATH
Old mate of ours. Salt of the earth. Quiet guy. When he did talk, he...

THE FOX
Talked sense?

GOLIATH
No talked a lot of shite. Think that's why he never said much. Struggled with his mental health God love him. Probably on the other side of the world now.

THE FOX LOOKS OVER AT BIG CATHY'S PACKAGE FROM THE REAR AND BACK TO THE POSTER

THE FOX
(Under his breath)
Bad case of Johnny Giles or Big Willie's not as far away as you think.

GOLIATH
What? Anyway, how are we getting this grand? What's option 2?

THE FOX PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND SCROLLS TO VLADMIR.

EXT: STREET: DAY
THE FOX AND GOLIATH ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE BAR. VLADMIR 60'S, TALL AND MENACING WALKS OVER TO THE FOX, WITH HIS RUSSSIAN GLARE. THE FOX HANDS HIM A COMPROMISING PICTURE OF SAMMY SUCKING HIS FINGER.

VLADMIR
(Russian accent)
Son of a whore.

THE FOX
You know the drill. Warning shot ........to the cranium.

VLADMIR WALKS ACROSS THE STREET AND TRIES TO HIDE BEHIND A PARKED POLICE CAR. BUT IS STANDING OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB.

GOLIATH
Who's he?

THE FOX
A dear comrade. Get Sammy.

GOLIATH WALKS INTO THE BAR AND COMES OUT WITH SAMMY. AT THAT MOMENT VLADMIR RUNS OUT TO THE STREET ABOUT TO SHOOT SAMMY. BUT A RUSTY OLD VAUXHALL NOVA APPEARS FROM NOWHERE AND KNOCKS VLADMIR DOWN BEFORE HE CAN ASSASSINATE HIM.

SAMMY
Another failed attempt. Probably the Heinz family. Dickheads

THE FOX
Who's the Heinz family?

GOLIATH
Most infamous gangster family in Northern Ireland. Friging 57 of them.

SAMMY WALKS BACK INTO THE BAR. SILVER JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR. 43 HAPPY GO LUCKY CHAV.

SILVER
Alright G-Master?

GOLIATH
What way is that to drive? You could've killed someone.

THE FOX
(To Vladmir)
I ask you to do one thing.

THE FOX PICKS UP VLADMIR AND STOPS A TAXI PASSING BY AND PUTS HIM IN IT.

THE FOX
(To Taxi driver)
To Moscow please.

GOLIATH
I can't believe you imported a killer onto the streets of Northern Ireland.

THE FOX
Apologies.

GOLIATH
You eejit. You could've got a shooter from here. They're queuing up to do Sammy in.

SILVER
G-Master remember that bet we had 25 years ago?

THE FOX
Another bet? Jesus Goliath.

GOLIATH
What bet was this?

SILVER
We bet if we were still best mates in 4 days' time, I'd owe you a grand.

GOLIATH
I always knew that with the rule of probability you'd come good one day. Give us the money Silver.

SILVER
You won't believe this. I was heading over here with the dough, and someone offered me this wee cracker. As you know I'm a yes man, so I bought you this beauty for a grand.

HE THROWS THE KEYS TO GOLIATH

THE FOX
You paid a grand for this?

SILVER
I did aye.

GOLIATH
You onion head.

SAMMY WALKS OUT

SAMMY
Silver, how's the babe magnet?

INT: CORNERSHOP: DAY
GOLIATH IS LOOKING AT ITEMS ON THE SHELF. HE PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF MIRACLE GROW. AN OLD MAN APPEARS NEXT TO HIM.

OLD MAN
What's that for your head, your legs or your cock? Watch my basket.

THE OLD MAN DROPS HIS BASKET AT GOLIATHS' FEET

GOLIATH
You're lucky you're a pensioner. Only need it for my legs and my head! Cheeky aul bastard.

HE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE AND SEES ESTHER LOOKING CONFUSED. SHE'S 42, STUNNING BUT HER HEAD IS IN THE CLOUDS.

GOLIATH
Hi Esther. What's the craic?

ESTHER
Forgot what I came in for.

GOLIATH HANDS HER OVER A 24 PACK OF TOILET ROLL

GOLIATH
Better be safe than sorry.

ESTHER
24 pack. You saying I'm full of shit?

GOLIATH
No frig sake.

ESTHER
Alright. You still taking me to the formal tonight?

GOLIATH IS LOADING UP THE CONVEYOR BELT WITH SHOPPING.

GOLIATH
Esther that was 20 years ago sweetheart. God, I still remember you wearing that digestible Jumpsuit. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. We were so happy, just engaged. You just went to get your bottle of White Lightning, slipped and hit your head on the corner of that large industrial sized fridge and then couldn't bloody remember we were in love.

ESTHER
I'll take your word for it.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE CONVEYOR BELT. PORN MAGAZINE'S, CUCUMBER, BABY OIL, PINK FLUFFY HANDCUFFS, A ROPE AND PAIR OF STOCKINGS.

ESTHER
(Cont'd)
You're disgusting?

ESTHER WALKS OUT

GOLIATH
Wait. This isn't my stuff.

CASHIER
Pervert

GOLIATH
I'll pervert you.

GOLIATH TRIES TO CHOKE THE CASHIER

CASHIER
It's alright, she won't remember. Think I'll stick this on TikTok for a laugh.

GOLIATH
Try it.

CASHIER
Only joking mate.

THE OLD MAN WALKS OVER TO THE CONVEYOR BELT

OLD MAN
Where's my messages Kojak?

GOLIATH
You aul pervo. I'm doing you a favour. Now you've blew my latest chance with Esther.

OLD MAN
You and Esther? Give your head a wobble son. I know her memory isn't great but she's not bucken blind. Besides, this is for my brother on his deathbed. Christian man his whole life. Wants to sample the dark side.

GOLIATH
Sorry.

GOLIATH WALKS OUT

CASHIER
How long does your brother have left?

OLD MAN
Don't have a brother. Pack that up before the wife sees. Quick.

INT: THE FUNKY CHICKEN BAR: DAY
GOLIATH, THE FOX AND SILVER ARE SITTING IN THE FUNKY CHICKEN HAVING A PINT. SAMMY IS GLARING DOWN AT THEM FROM THE BAR, HOLDING A CLOCK. ESTHER IS SERVING DRINK BEHIND THE BAR.

THE FOX
Right, I've been digging into Sammy's empire, and I see he operates Sammy Norton Coaches.

GOLIATH
And what?

THE FOX
Listen. Over the past few years, they've been involved in numerous accidents and Sammy doesn't have any insurance.

GOLIATH
So, what does he do?

THE FOX
He's paying the victims back handers not to lodge claims.

SILVER
That's illegal. Do the cops know?

THE FOX
Yes, he pays them off too.

GOLIATH
Bastards the lot of them. So, where do we come in?

THE FOX
Simple. We take a nice little day trip on one of Sammy's luxury getaways and our old friend Silver here smashes his babe magnet into the side of us. We all get a few grand compensation and Silver gets rid of that heap of junk; I mean the insurance for the car.

GOLIATH
(Singing)
Mr Loverman, Shabba.

THEY ALL HIGH FIVE. WE SEE A PLANT POT NEXT TO THEIR TABLE WITH A MICROPHONE IN IT. SAMMY IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR NEXT TO ESTHER WEARING AN EARPIECE

ESTHER
What are you listening to?

SAMMY
A tragedy by Shakespeare.

ESTHER
What about?

SAMMY
Revenge!

EXT: BUS STATION: DAY
GOLIATH AND THE FOX ARE STANDING NEXT TO A BUS THAT SAYS SAMMY NORTON COACHES WITH 'CORK' ON THE FRONT. A CROWD OF TEENAGERS GET ON THE BUS ALONG WITH A PRIEST, A POLICEMAN AND A JUDGE, WITH THE FOX HELPING THEM ON.

FATHER BROADBENT
Goliath, how's Esther? Still single? Thinking about asking her out.

GOLIATH
Are ye? Did the church ever get the stolen charity money back?

FATHER BROADBENT
It was all a misunderstanding. Everything on schedule the Fox?

THE FOX
Yes, your holiness.

FATHER BROADBENT
Splendid. Because I've a Bar Mitzvah to conduct in an hour.

GOLIATH
You're a priest.

FATHER BROADBENT
Rabbi Broadbent if anyone should ask.

HE WINKS AT THE FOX AND GETS ON THE COACH

GOLIATH
What are you playing at? There's something funny about him.

THE FOX
Funny funny?

GOLIATH
Not funny funny. He's dodgy. Who are all these anyway? A Judge, a Peeler and who's these kids.

THE FOX
Just a few extras that I've rustled up.

GOLIATH
I've a bad feeling about this. You gonna put their lives at risk for a grand each?

THE FOX
Of course I'm not. What do you take me for?

GOLIATH
Sorry.

THE FOX
I'm giving them £100 each and me and you are gonna split the rest.

GOLIATH
It better not backfire.

THE FOX
Trust me. I'm setting us up for the future. I'm just running to the lavatory.

THE FOX GOES TO THE TOILET.

EXT: BUS STATION: DAY
THE FOX COMES OUT OF THE TOILET AND SEES BIG CATHY SITTING ON A BENCH INCOGNITO. SHE IS HOLDING A PAPER WITH HOLES CUT OUT AROUND HER EYES AND MOUTH, WITH A CIGARETTE STICKING OUT OF HER MOUTH. THE PAPER CATCHES FIRE.

BIG CATHY
Help.

THE FOX
Oh my god. United are top of the league.

HE STARTS TO RUN TOWARDS THE BUS AND JUMPS ON IT. THE FRONT OF THE BUS SAYS 'GLASGOW'. THE BUS DRIVES OFF AND WE SEE BIG CATHY OPEN UP THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT AND GET IN. THE FOX IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHEN THE BUS JERKS AND HE HITS HIS HEAD AND IS KNOCKED OUT. GOLIATH IS ON THE OTHER BUS. WE SEE THE DOORS CLOSE AND IT DRIVES AWAY.

INT: BUS: DAY
GOLIATH IS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BUS WITH HIS PHONE IN HIS HAND. HE HAS PHONED THE FOX 11 TIMES.

GOLIATH
I'm gonna kill him.

GOLIATH PHONES SILVER

GOLIATH
(On the phone)
Where the hell are you? We are on the motorway now.

SILVER
I'm a tad ahead of schedule.

GOLIATH
How ahead?

SILVER
I've just crossed the border.

GOLIATH
The border. We've only just left Belfast. You may turn back.

SILVER
I think someone has souped this car up a bit. It won't go under 80 and the brakes don't work.

GOLIATH
Jesus Christ.

FATHER BROADBENT
Language Goliath.

GOLIATH
Shut up. Is the tank not empty?

SILVER
No, it's full, some bastard must've filled it up. Listen if I die here, I just want you to know that I love you Goliath. You've been like a father to me all these years and I want you to be the one that lays my coffin in the ground so that you can let me down again one last time!

GOLIATH
You'll be fine. If you don't make it, can I have your two-seater sofa? Me and The Fox are having to take turns sitting on the floor.

SILVER
I've got to go. I've just went through another roundabout.

GOLIATH
You mean round?

SILVER
If only. Bye Goliath. I'm gonna haunt you and watch Esther get undressed every night.

SILVER HANGS UP THE PHONE. GOLIATH IS LOOKING RATHER HOT AND FLUSTERED. HE TAKES OFF HIS COAT.

GOLIATH
Drama Queen. Its bloody roasting in here.

GOLIATH WALKS UP TO THE DRIVER.

GOLIATH
Any chance of opening a window mate?

SAMMY IS DRIVING THE COACH

SAMMY
Welcome to Sammy Norton coaches. Sorry the windows don't open on this nonstop express to Cork. Silver not with you?

GOLIATH
I'll get you for this.

SAMMY
Your little scam backfired. Just like Silvers wee motor.

THE YOUNG LADS AT THE BACK OF THE BUS START TO GET UP TO TAKE THEIR COATS OFF. THEY ARE WEARING CELTIC AND RANGER'S TOPS.

CELTIC FAN
(To Rangers Fans)
No Rangers fans allowed on this bus. Pick a window cos yous are going out it.

FATHER BROADBENT
Now lads calm down. We don't want any trouble.

CELTIC FAN
Shut up father. You're on our side.

FATHER BROADBENT RIPS OPEN HIS BLACK SHIRT AND COLLAR TO REVEAL A RANGERS TOP.

FATHER BROADBENT
(Looking to the heavens)
Bless me father for I have sinned.

HE PUNCHES THE CELTIC FAN.

GOLIATH
I knew there was something funny about you.

THEY ALL BEGIN TO FIGHT. WINDOWS GET SMASHED AND PUNCHES THROWN. SAMMY STOPS THE COACH AND IT SPILLS ONTO THE HARD SHOULDER. GOLIATH GETS OFF AND RUNS ALONG THE HARD SHOULDER AWAY FROM THE COACH.

GOLIATH
The Fox your dead.

INT: THE FUNKY CHICKEN BAR: LATER
GOLIATH AND SILVER ARE SITTING HAVING A BEER.

SILVER
You could've killed me today. Ending up in that lake.

GOLIATH
Well, you're lucky the car had a sunroof aren't you.

SILVER
But I can't swim.

GOLIATH
Well, you're lucky that group of immigrants pulled you into their dingy. Anyway, enough about you. What about me? I'm pot less and soon to be homeless. I'm sending the Fox right back to London. He's been nothing but trouble since he arrived.

SAMMY WALKS OVER TO THEIR TABLE

SAMMY
It's the Coach busters. You got my money?

GOLIATH
No.

SAMMY
Plus, you owe another £4000 for the damage that your odd ensemble of hooligans did to my coach.

GOLIATH
Coach isn't even worth that. It's not even insured anyway.

SAMMY
As luck would have it, I got it insured last night.

SILVER
Bastard

SAMMY
Mr bastard to you. I'll give you a week to pack up the flat and just to show I'm serious I'll give you a day.

THE FOX WALKS IN HOLDING A RUCKSACK

THE FOX
Don't be panicking Goliath. The Fox to the rescue.

GOLIATH JUMPS UP AND GRABS THE FOX BY THE THROAT

GOLIATH
The rescue! Where the hell have you been? I owe this eejit £5000 or I'm on the streets.

THE FOX
I took an unexpected detour to Scotland with Big Cathy; she's coming in as we speak.

GOLIATH
We are done. Pack your bags and go.

THE FOX
Relax. On my little road trip to Bonny Scotland, I suffered a knock to the head. Which I've passed a claim on to my solicitor, or we can settle Sammy, I'm easy.

GOLIATH
And what about me?

THE FOX
No, my darling brother. Awakening from what could've been a serious head injury I noticed a secret compartment under the seat and to my surprise it was packed full of money. To be laundered I suspect.

SAMMY
That's slander.

THE FOX
You left instructions of which banks to use and account numbers. You even put it on your own headed paper and signed it you idiot.

SAMMY
Oops.

THE FOX
We declare the bet void and the police won't hear about this.

HE OPENS THE RUCKSACK

THE FOX
(cont'd)
I'm gonna take my/our compensation for my head injury and a finder's fee which comes to 2 grand.

SILVER
What about the car?

THE FOX
Good shout Silver and another £1000 for the car. And there will be no attempts to buy Goliaths flat. Are we clear?

GOLIATH
Happy days.

SAMMY
You've won the battle but not the war.

GOLIATH
Drinks all-round. A bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape please Esther.

BIG CATHY WALKS INTO THE BAR AND THE FOX WALKS OVER TO HER.

THE FOX
Thanks for getting me back in one piece. That was a bit of luck that you got on the wrong bus too.

BIG CATHY
What a coincidence. Anyone else would think I'm stalking you.

THE FOX
Mmm.

SHE GIVES HIM A BIG BEAR HUG.

THE FOX
Ahh

BIG CATHY
Sorry you, ok?

THE FOX
Just aches and pains from the fall.

GOLIATH AND SILVER WALK OVER TO THE FOX AND BIG CATHY

GOLIATH
I never lost faith in you. Cheers brother.

GOLIATH SLAPS THE FOX IN THE BUM

THE FOX
Ahh

GOLIATH
What's up?

THE FOX
Just a pain in the arse.

BIG CATHY LOOKS ANXIOUS AND WALKS AWAY

THE END