Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 16th February 2018, 11:57 AM

This is what I sent in which I was quite happy with:

1. Police in Portugal have arrested a man caught smuggling cocaine hidden in fake bottoms. Police said the man, who was acting as a drugs mule, had made an ass of himself
2. A council who ordered a lollipop man to stop high-fiving school children and "concentrate on ensuring highway safety" were forced to quickly lift their ban. Though police welcomed the move they did fine the council for making a U-turn in a school zone
3. Trinity group has bought the Express, Star and OK! Magazine. OK! promised readers nothing will change but have advised celebrities worried they're being judged on every aspect of their appearance to take a to look in the Mirror

1. 2025: the year Donald Trump hopes the International Space Station will be owned by private companies; 2025: the number times Donald Trump tried to bomb the ISS after confusing it with ISIS
2. 12 million: the number of customers stuck in poor-value and default energy tariffs according to an MPs' report; 12 million: the cost of my last heating bill
3. 10: gigabits per second - the fasted broadband speed achieved in the UK; 10: tissues per second - the average households with male teenagers are now going through thanks to broadband

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These are good.

Quote: Mike X @ 15th February 2018, 6:43 PM

Terrorists have been taking steroids before launching their deadly attacks. Everyone says it's a terrible waste of life, apart from Lance Armstrong who says it's a terrible waste of steroids.

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That's just brilliant. (I notice in the other Newsjack thread you said "Time to give up I think". I hope you were joking because, honestly, this amused me more than any other Breaking News I've heard on the past few series.)

Quote: Danno @ 15th February 2018, 7:37 PM

Trafford Council has become the first public library authority to scrap fines for late returns. The move is seen as long over-due.

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As is that. I've not listened to the show yet, but if these were the rejects, I can't wait to hear the ones that got through.

Quote: BTF @ 15th February 2018, 7:57 PM

I did an emotional support pet one along the same lines but yours is better. I may put it up if I can face it! Sketch very clever. Def could see on show but maybe could be shorter? How many words? Maybe mine seems just as long.

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Noted, and thanks for the feedback. I think you're right in that mine probably are a little long. I'll aim to cut it down for this week's entry. For what it's worth, I thought your sketch was really good, and I believe one of the most educational things about this reject thread is seeing the different angles people take with the same idea. How many times have I read a submission and thought "why didn't I think of that!" On the other hand, when I wrote my rejected emotional support animal sketch two weeks ago, the story was already nearly a week old, so I think it's probably stretching the definition of a "topical" sketch!

A rejected sketch:

ANGELA: A new set of guidelines for the medical industry has been drawn up which replaces terms like "labour ward" with "birthing suite", and "big baby" with "healthy baby". So, a midwife should now instead say, "Did you hear what Trump said about those protesters? He's such a healthy baby. What a massive ladies' downstairs front private area." I'm sure having medical professionals talking in riddles will really help patient confidence.

DOCTOR: Come in, please, sit down.

PATIENT: Hello, doctor. I must admit, I was getting a little nervous in the waiting room.

DOCTOR: Oh please, don't be nervous.

PATIENT: It's good to hear you say that.

DOCTOR: If anything, nervous stress could make things worse.

PATIENT: Worse? So the results say...?

DOCTOR: I'm pleased to say that it's good news. Very good indeed. Just what I wanted to see -

PATIENT: Oh I'm so relieved. Thank god! Thank you!

DOCTOR: - because honestly, I think I'm probably going to get the cover of the Lancet when I write this one up. I wonder, will they name the condition after me, or after you?

PATIENT: I thought you said the results were good?

DOCTOR: Well our pharmacy will be thrilled. I can see you being their new favourite customer. For a while. A short while.

PATIENT: So, the tests came back ... positive?

DOCTOR: No, negative, right across the board -

PATIENT: What a relief. You had me there. I thought for a minute...

DOCTOR: - I mean, literally negative. Never read anything like it. Hit me harder than when Bambi's mum died. And at least she went quickly. Didn't suffer. I just wish I could say the same for you. Have you seen it?

PATIENT: What, Bambi? No.

DOCTOR: I wouldn't bother now, it's over an hour.

PATIENT: That doesn't sound very long.

DOCTOR: No. Well, not for most people.

PATIENT: Please, doctor, just level with me.

DOCTOR: You're what we now term, "the picture of health" -

PATIENT: That sounds good, but on past experience I'm going to hold off on being too excited.

DOCTOR: - because medical students will be recoiling at your x-rays in textbooks for years to come.

PATIENT: I see.

DOCTOR: But how are you feeling, in yourself?

PATIENT:I feel good. Great. I've never felt better.

DOCTOR: Wonderful. That's a really positive sign. Let me make a note of that on your record.

FX: PENCIL WRITING ON PAPER

DOCTOR: ... Does "delusional" end in "al" or "el"?

FX: PENCIL WRITING ON PAPER

DOCTOR: Running out of room on this page, but it'd be a waste to start a second page now, so I'll just cram it all in the margins. And ... done. Ah, I see on your file that you recently broke an arm in a skiing accident?

PATIENT: No. I've never skied in my life.

DOCTOR: Hang on, then, you're not Ruth Elliott?

PATIENT: No!

DOCTOR: I see what's happened. Ignore everything I've just said. We've mixed your files up. Ruth will be so pleased to hear that she'll be around to see this Sunday's Eastenders Omnibus after all.

PATIENT: And what about me? Please, tell me straight, come right out with it.

DOCTOR: Of course. Everything will be OK. You can always get this week's Eastenders on iPlayer, so don't worry about missing the Sunday Omnibus.

And some one-liners:

BREAKING NEWS:

Comparisons suggest that some of Shakespeare's works may have been lifted from other sources. Particular doubt has been cast on "Hamlet and the Prisoner of Azkaban."

The Tesla car which Elon Musk shot into space is predicted to overshoot Mars and eventually land in an asteroid belt. Terrible parking for a so-called genius.

Theresa May is to set out the 'Road to Brexit' in the coming weeks. Drivers should expect long tailbacks after a bus with "£350 million" written on the side collided with reality.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£70: the parking fine given to a motorist after his permit was covered by snow on his windscreen.
£500: the reward offered by Elsa for any witnesses in the hit and run on Olaf.

12 inches: the length of the sex toy a prankster dad slipped into his son's bag as he went through airport security.
700 miles: how far away the son will be moving once he returns from holiday.

10,000 years: how long ago Cheddar Man, the fossil whose DNA analysis confirms that ancient Britons were dark-skinned, moved here.
50 years: how long it'll take Nigel Farage to come to terms with this.

@Callooh Callay, really enjoyed your script. Did you consider starting with the Ruth Davis twist a bit earlier and developing it from there? It really started to grab me from the 'But how are you feeling in yourself' line, and the whole writing notes bit was fab. "Hamlet and the Prisoner of Azkaban" cracked me up!!

Thanks for reading and commenting; much appreciated! Taking this advice on board, I think it's clear I need to trim the fat a little with my next submission and just keep the comedy, er, muscle, or whatever the analogy would be. And this probably explains why everyone else seems to manage to get two scripts done of a week!

And no, the ending came pretty late. I've tried previously to come up with the ending first, giving me a beat to script towards. I've realised now that in most cases, for me at least, I'm better of writing anything and hoping an ending comes out of the characters. The original one was the exasperated patient leaving still not knowing if he was ill or not, whilst the doctor, sotte voce, says "Brave guy - how can he be so calm when he's only got three hours left!" It just felt a bit dark, and it's hard to guess how dark Newsjack would go.

Best of luck for next week, everyone.

It didn't immediately strike me as being too long (although everything is always too long when it comes to script editing), I just think you're better off grabbing your audience by the short and curlies sooner rather than later, particularly with a fast-paced show like Newsjack. Your comedy is fab.

Hi Callooh Callay - Thanks for your kind words. I was really happy with that "steroids" one-liners and gutted that it didn't make the show. Your one-liners and sketch were excellent and much better than a lot of the material that was broadcast. I thought it was a very weak show this week to be honest, in particular listen out for the dismal "Lent" sketch. What were they thinking!?!?

Hi all, my no good gags this week:

South African President Jacob Zuma says he is being set up over allegations of corruption. This is known as a Zuma frame.

In Florida, a boy named Mason became stuck in a toy dispensing game in an amusement arcade. This gives a new meaning to the idea of a "Freemason".

200,000 Number of Freemasons who are members of the United Grand Lodge of England, or the U.G.L.E.
200,000 Number of Freemasons who wish their organisation didn't have the acronym U.G.L.E.

2018: Paul Simon announces his last ever tour in order to spend more time with his family.
1966: the year Paul Simon wrote Homeward Bound, 52 years premature.

Theresa May faces a growing criticism from leading Conservative party donors. This confirms the view that most donors to the Tories party are revolting.

Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 16th February 2018, 7:46 PM

Hi all, my no good gags this week:

South African President Jacob Zuma says he is being set up over allegations of corruption. This is known as a Zuma frame.

In Florida, a boy named Mason became stuck in a toy dispensing game in an amusement arcade. This gives a new meaning to the idea of a "Freemason".

200,000 Number of Freemasons who are members of the United Grand Lodge of England, or the U.G.L.E.
200,000 Number of Freemasons who wish their organisation didn't have the acronym U.G.L.E.

2018: Paul Simon announces his last ever tour in order to spend more time with his family.
1966: the year Paul Simon wrote Homeward Bound, 52 years premature.

Theresa May faces a growing criticism from leading Conservative party donors. This confirms the view that most donors to the Tories party are revolting.

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I like them all

Quote: Callooh Callay @ 16th February 2018, 4:26 PM

That's just brilliant. (I notice in the other Newsjack thread you said "Time to give up I think". I hope you were joking because, honestly, this amused me more than any other Breaking News I've heard on the past few series.)

As is that. I've not listened to the show yet, but if these were the rejects, I can't wait to hear the ones that got through.

Noted, and thanks for the feedback. I think you're right in that mine probably are a little long. I'll aim to cut it down for this week's entry. For what it's worth, I thought your sketch was really good, and I believe one of the most educational things about this reject thread is seeing the different angles people take with the same idea. How many times have I read a submission and thought "why didn't I think of that!" On the other hand, when I wrote my rejected emotional support animal sketch two weeks ago, the story was already nearly a week old, so I think it's probably stretching the definition of a "topical" sketch!

A rejected sketch:

ANGELA: A new set of guidelines for the medical industry has been drawn up which replaces terms like "labour ward" with "birthing suite", and "big baby" with "healthy baby". So, a midwife should now instead say, "Did you hear what Trump said about those protesters? He's such a healthy baby. What a massive ladies' downstairs front private area." I'm sure having medical professionals talking in riddles will really help patient confidence.

DOCTOR: Come in, please, sit down.

PATIENT: Hello, doctor. I must admit, I was getting a little nervous in the waiting room.

DOCTOR: Oh please, don't be nervous.

PATIENT: It's good to hear you say that.

DOCTOR: If anything, nervous stress could make things worse.

PATIENT: Worse? So the results say...?

DOCTOR: I'm pleased to say that it's good news. Very good indeed. Just what I wanted to see -

PATIENT: Oh I'm so relieved. Thank god! Thank you!

DOCTOR: - because honestly, I think I'm probably going to get the cover of the Lancet when I write this one up. I wonder, will they name the condition after me, or after you?

PATIENT: I thought you said the results were good?

DOCTOR: Well our pharmacy will be thrilled. I can see you being their new favourite customer. For a while. A short while.

PATIENT: So, the tests came back ... positive?

DOCTOR: No, negative, right across the board -

PATIENT: What a relief. You had me there. I thought for a minute...

DOCTOR: - I mean, literally negative. Never read anything like it. Hit me harder than when Bambi's mum died. And at least she went quickly. Didn't suffer. I just wish I could say the same for you. Have you seen it?

PATIENT: What, Bambi? No.

DOCTOR: I wouldn't bother now, it's over an hour.

PATIENT: That doesn't sound very long.

DOCTOR: No. Well, not for most people.

PATIENT: Please, doctor, just level with me.

DOCTOR: You're what we now term, "the picture of health" -

PATIENT: That sounds good, but on past experience I'm going to hold off on being too excited.

DOCTOR: - because medical students will be recoiling at your x-rays in textbooks for years to come.

PATIENT: I see.

DOCTOR: But how are you feeling, in yourself?

PATIENT:I feel good. Great. I've never felt better.

DOCTOR: Wonderful. That's a really positive sign. Let me make a note of that on your record.

FX: PENCIL WRITING ON PAPER

DOCTOR: ... Does "delusional" end in "al" or "el"?

FX: PENCIL WRITING ON PAPER

DOCTOR: Running out of room on this page, but it'd be a waste to start a second page now, so I'll just cram it all in the margins. And ... done. Ah, I see on your file that you recently broke an arm in a skiing accident?

PATIENT: No. I've never skied in my life.

DOCTOR: Hang on, then, you're not Ruth Elliott?

PATIENT: No!

DOCTOR: I see what's happened. Ignore everything I've just said. We've mixed your files up. Ruth will be so pleased to hear that she'll be around to see this Sunday's Eastenders Omnibus after all.

PATIENT: And what about me? Please, tell me straight, come right out with it.

DOCTOR: Of course. Everything will be OK. You can always get this week's Eastenders on iPlayer, so don't worry about missing the Sunday Omnibus.

And some one-liners:

BREAKING NEWS:

Comparisons suggest that some of Shakespeare's works may have been lifted from other sources. Particular doubt has been cast on "Hamlet and the Prisoner of Azkaban."

The Tesla car which Elon Musk shot into space is predicted to overshoot Mars and eventually land in an asteroid belt. Terrible parking for a so-called genius.

Theresa May is to set out the 'Road to Brexit' in the coming weeks. Drivers should expect long tailbacks after a bus with "£350 million" written on the side collided with reality.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£70: the parking fine given to a motorist after his permit was covered by snow on his windscreen.
£500: the reward offered by Elsa for any witnesses in the hit and run on Olaf.

12 inches: the length of the sex toy a prankster dad slipped into his son's bag as he went through airport security.
700 miles: how far away the son will be moving once he returns from holiday.

10,000 years: how long ago Cheddar Man, the fossil whose DNA analysis confirms that ancient Britons were dark-skinned, moved here.
50 years: how long it'll take Nigel Farage to come to terms with this.

View original

Liked all the oneliners TBH.
It is very interesting to see different approaches to the same sketch topic. If you are still to watch the show you will see that they did a sketch on emotional support pets on the show. I did one on tbe sex toy also - posted on rejects.
I found the sketch funny definitely. I wondered if the ending/punchline could have had something more added to make it really strong. I find punchline/endings really hard.

Quote: Mike X @ 15th February 2018, 6:43 PM

Another week, another abject failure. Surely these are good jokes, especially the first two? Apparently not though!

ONE LINERS

Terrorists have been taking steroids before launching their deadly attacks. Everyone says it's a terrible waste of life, apart from Lance Armstrong who says it's a terrible waste of steroids.

Eurostar now has direct train services between London and Amsterdam. Unfortunately the toilets will be out of order as passengers have weed everywhere.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

6 - the number of acts who were lucky enough to take part in "You Decide" to see who would represent the UK at Eurovision.
1 - the number of acts who were unlucky enough to WIN "You Decide" and now have to represent the UK at Eurovision.

One....of the Number Crunchers last week cheated by not starting with a proper number. Two....can play at that game.

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Yes the steroid one is very good

Quote: Callooh Callay @ 16th February 2018, 5:41 PM

Thanks for reading and commenting; much appreciated! Taking this advice on board, I think it's clear I need to trim the fat a little with my next submission and just keep the comedy, er, muscle, or whatever the analogy would be. And this probably explains why everyone else seems to manage to get two scripts done of a week!

And no, the ending came pretty late. I've tried previously to come up with the ending first, giving me a beat to script towards. I've realised now that in most cases, for me at least, I'm better of writing anything and hoping an ending comes out of the characters. The original one was the exasperated patient leaving still not knowing if he was ill or not, whilst the doctor, sotte voce, says "Bravo guy - how can he be so calm when he's only got three hours left!" It just felt a bit dark, and it's hard to guess how dark Newsjack would go.

Best of luck for next week, everyone.

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I am trying to limit myself to under 350 words in total for everything at the moment..
Yes see what you mean about the ending.

Some good stuff posted by people here. Some of it made me laugh more than the stuff that got on the show.

Here are my bad oneliners submitted for last week:

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Human eggs were grown to maturity outside a human body for the first time in a breakthrough experiment in the University of Edinburgh, where they're set to be wrapped in sausage meat and a coat of bread crumbs before a ceremonial deep frying.

2. Jacques Cassandri, the mastermind of a French bank heist in 1976, has been caught after detailing the crime in his new book. The news is set to not only bring to light the truth behind France's so-called heist of the century, but also hugely devalue the term 'mastermind'.

3. A US airline told a student to flush her 'emotional support hamster' down the toilet before boarding a flight. It was a trying experience for the passenger, and she says she never would have gotten through it if it weren't for the help of her 'positive encouragement koala' and 'stress relief rhesus macaque'.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 150 million: the number of dollars it cost Elon Musk to send his red sports car into space on the world's largest rocket.
3: the number of inches he's overcompensating for.

2. 0: The number of Oxfam donations this week.
0: The amount of moral integrity integrity the organisation currently has.

3. 3: The number of new Star Wars movies to be made by the creators of Game of Thrones.
746: The number of Star Wars movies Disney currently has in the pipeline.

Some good stuff here. Best of luck everyone. Hours away now.

Back again....as if I never left! Here they are, my 'oneliner non gratas' for episode number three...

Ousted UKIP leader, Henry Bolton, has compared his love life to Princess Diana's. The revelation came while sat at home in his underpants with his lips round a Carling.

Church spires to be used to boost mobile coverage in rural areas. Customers can expect great rates on evangeli-calls and pray-as-you-go.

A shark has fallen from the sky and landed in a garden in Whitstable. Police say it's not an unusual occurrence in seaside towns but await the results of the post-Morecambe.

One third: The number of UK adults who underestimate their calorie intake.
One third: The number of UK adults who think calorie is a vegetable.

81.93: The score given to the French figure skater who danced on with her nipple exposed.
1.93: The extra marks she received for artistic interpretation.

"It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand" Brian Stimpson

@Danno. I love the 'post Morecambe one. That put a smile on my face.

Here are my week 3 rejects (also posted on Twitter #newsjackrejects)

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Jennifer Lawrence was criticized this week for wearing the same dress twice. When asked about the fashion faux pas, she explained that she'd just been playing 'hanger games'.
2. Jack Whitehall has this week expressed his desire for The Chuckle Brothers to appear at the Brit Awards, which he is to host. Noel and Liam are reported to be 'mad for it, like.'
3. One of the former Oxfam employees embroiled in the Haiti prostitute scandal has reiterated his innocence this week. He said "I never paid for sex. I just wanted a second-hand-job"

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 25 - The number of series' of Top Gear.
25 - The number of people who still watch Top Gear.

Thanks BTF and Danno for the feedback on last weeks rejects. Your 'church spire' joke gets two thumbs up from me.
Here are my pant-wettingly unfunny rejects for this week:

1. Jeremy Corbyn has emphatically denied accusations that he was a paid Communist informant, stating: "I swear I didn't get paid!"
2. A train company's claim that their uncomfortable seats are a result of Government regulations have been met with bemusement as most passengers had never heard of sitting on a train before.
3. Glastonbury Festival's plan to have a ban on plastic has been met with controversy as festival favourite, Dolly Parton, won't be able to show her face or indeed 30% of her body under these new regulations.

4. 1.5 million: The cost of a new robot, in Liverpool, that successfully mends a broken heart.
20: 20 quids worth of Haagen-Dazs and a chick-flick would have also done the trick.

5. 3: The number of dimensions to images created by a Transformers-esque projector, developed by researchers at
Brigham Young University
2: How many more dimensions the images have than the characters in the Transformers franchise.

6. 4.4: Magnitude of earthquake felt across Wales and the south-west of England.
£2: The total cost of damage caused by the quake....as Swansea is flattened.

Here are my rejected oneliners. I thought the first one might have stood a chance but sadly no joy. Number crunchers weren't even worth sharing.

ONELINERS
1. A number of Apple employees have been injured at work by walking into large panes of glass at the new Apple headquarters. One worker explained that they haven't had any training on Windows.

2. A man has been rescued from a sewer after being stuck down there for three days. When asked how he was, the man said he was flushed after an uncomfortable evacuation.

3. A tourist has returned a thumb which he stole from a Terracotta Soldier. Chinese authorities are insisting on a harsh punishment after he gave them the finger.