@BTF: Your Ken Dodd punchline made me laugh!

Here are my unloved oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Restaurant chain Wagamama has been fined for failing to pay staff the minimum wage. Management responded by saying that it's perfectly normal for some pay packets to arrive later than others.

2. The EU is proposing higher import duties on American peanut butter. Treasury officials explained it's to ensure the contents of the pot are more evenly spread.

3. Coca-cola is launching its first ever alcoholic drink. Beaujolais are coming.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1,000: The number of dogs staying at a Birmingham hotel during Crufts.
5: The number of hotel residents hospitalised after shouting "walkies!"

300: The number of super monster wolves being used by Japanese farmers to scare away pests.
3: The number of super monster little pigs it takes to outwit them.

80: The percentage of millennials who say they never buy anything without reading a review.
80: The percentage of millennials you don't want to get stuck behind at the greengrocer's.

Quote: Auditchris @ 15th March 2018, 8:55 PM

@BTF: Your Ken Dodd punchline made me laugh!

Here are my unloved oneliners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Restaurant chain Wagamama has been fined for failing to pay staff the minimum wage. Management responded by saying that it's perfectly normal for some pay packets to arrive later than others.

2. The EU is proposing higher import duties on American peanut butter. Treasury officials explained it's to ensure the contents of the pot are more evenly spread.

3. Coca-cola is launching its first ever alcoholic drink. Beaujolais are coming.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1,000: The number of dogs staying at a Birmingham hotel during Crufts.
5: The number of hotel residents hospitalised after shouting "walkies!"

300: The number of super monster wolves being used by Japanese farmers to scare away pests.
3: The number of super monster little pigs it takes to outwit them.

80: The percentage of millennials who say they never buy anything without reading a review.
80: The percentage of millennials you don't want to get stuck behind at the greengrocer's.

View original

I like your number crunchers. My favourite is the first number cruncher.

[quote name="Auditchris" post="1188639" date="15th March 2018, 8:55 PM"]@BTF: Your Ken Dodd punchline made me laugh!

Thanks. Just listened. Was comparing it to the Givenchy one liner on the show which was completely different.

Hi all,

Congratulations to those who have got somehing on. Here are my rejects:

Bono has had to apologise over allegations that a charity, which he co-founded, regularly bullies and intimidates its workers. Victims of the abuse have started an online campaign, Hashtag U2 Me Too.

2. Paignton Zoo in Devon has been giving contraceptives to 60 species amid fears of overcrowding. Critics have suggested that they should have just put up their ticket prices like everywhere else.

3. The Obama's are in talks with Netflix about a new TV show focusing on their life after the Whitehouse. It's to be called, "When Orange Became The New Black".

NUMBER CRUNCHERS
1. 7 Years in prison: The sentence for Martin Shkreli, who gained notoriety for hiking the price of life saving drugs by 5000%.
12 hours community service: His original sentence.

My favourites:

Danno: Cheltenham one.
BTF: deep voice
Auditchris: crufts
lolcov: zoo...also I think the Obama one as good, but maybe could have been reworded to make it work better.

Here's my unwanted crap:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. This week it was reported that parents' lives are adversely affected by boomerang children, so called because like real boomerangs they keep coming back and in retrospect were a silly novelty that seemed like a good idea at the time, but turned out to be a lot more expensive than they were actually worth.

2. Norwegians are going to Sweden to get their sugar fix, but have been warned to be wary of apparently nice old ladies in gingerbread houses, after a spate of disappearances along the border.

3. Oxford University have apologised after a female cleaner was photographed cleaning International Women's Day graffiti on campus. The woman has now been fired and replaced by a man on higher pay.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS:

1. $93,000: How much Trump paid to gag Stormy Daniels in 2016.
$9,300: How much Trump paid to gag Stormy Daniels in 2006.

2. 2: Protesters at the Crufts dog show.
2: Points awarded out of 10 for execution of movement.

3. 3,000: Miles the 'Ocean Brothers' rowed across the Atlantic.
3,000: Miles they spent bickering over who should get the front seat.

Quote: lolcov @ 15th March 2018, 11:22 PM

Hi all,

Congratulations to those who have got somehing on. Here are my rejects:

Bono has had to apologise over allegations that a charity, which he co-founded, regularly bullies and intimidates its workers. Victims of the abuse have started an online campaign, Hashtag U2 Me Too.

2. Paignton Zoo in Devon has been giving contraceptives to 60 species amid fears of overcrowding. Critics have suggested that they should have just put up their ticket prices like everywhere else.

3. The Obama's are in talks with Netflix about a new TV show focusing on their life after the Whitehouse. It's to be called, "When Orange Became The New Black".

NUMBER CRUNCHERS
1. 7 Years in prison: The sentence for Martin Shkreli, who gained notoriety for hiking the price of life saving drugs by 5000%.
12 hours community service: His original sentence.

View original

Iiked zoo one. Could maybe improve even more for eg by taking out '60 species'?
I liked Obama one too but agree rewording could improve it.

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 16th March 2018, 2:19 AM

My favourites:

Danno: Cheltenham one.
BTF: deep voice
Auditchris: crufts
lolcov: zoo...also I think the Obama one as good, but maybe could have been reworded to make it work better.

Here's my unwanted crap:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. This week it was reported that parents' lives are adversely affected by boomerang children, so called because like real boomerangs they keep coming back and in retrospect were a silly novelty that seemed like a good idea at the time, but turned out to be a lot more expensive than they were actually worth.

2. Norwegians are going to Sweden to get their sugar fix, but have been warned to be wary of apparently nice old ladies in gingerbread houses, after a spate of disappearances along the border.

3. Oxford University have apologised after a female cleaner was photographed cleaning International Women's Day graffiti on campus. The woman has now been fired and replaced by a man on higher pay.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS:

1. $93,000: How much Trump paid to gag Stormy Daniels in 2016.
$9,300: How much Trump paid to gag Stormy Daniels in 2006.

2. 2: Protesters at the Crufts dog show.
2: Points awarded out of 10 for execution of movement.

3. 3,000: Miles the 'Ocean Brothers' rowed across the Atlantic.
3,000: Miles they spent bickering over who should get the front seat.

View original

I liked 2 best - gingerbread.
I like 1 but wondered if could be honed down a bit eg:
This week it's reported that parents' lives are adversely affected by boomerang children as they keep coming back, were a silly novelty that seemed a good idea at the time and cost a lot more than they were worth.
But being as I have not got on the show....

Hats off to you all for submitting this series and persisting with it. All my Newsjack Rejects for the series are here for you to laugh or cry at.

https://theradiantbarbarian.blogspot.co.uk/

My fav one-liner rejects for the series were probably...

1 - the number of thumbs stolen from a Chinese Terracotta Warrior in America.
1,2,3,4 - China declares a thumb war.

Starbucks investors worried that new 5p paper cup charge will increase Costa coffee

Looters tear roof off supermarket during Storm Emma chaos...well, "Every Lidl Helps..."

Thanks for sharing along. Bet your bottom dollar these jokes get scrutinised vigorously.
My favs were...
BTF's: Dodd joke
Auditchris: Crufts
lolcov: Bono U2
Donny: Stormy Daniels
TommyG: Starbucks
....forgive me if I missed anyone in scrolling.

Tomny G - posted feedback in main forum thread.

Given that I've sent many sketches into the Newsjack void with no feedback I thought I'd be brave and post one here. It's one from a few weeks ago - I was pleased with it at the time but a little less so now. Would be grateful for any thoughts - will happily return the favour. Excuse any weird formatting on this post!

From today we are no longer able to use the old ten pound note - you know, the one with Charles Dickens on the front and that woman on the back. Deemed useless simply because it's reached a certain age - that sort of discrimination can't be right, can it?

1. GRAMS: SUPERMARKET EASY LISTENING

2. FX: BEEPS OF SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT

3. CASHIER: Okay, that comes to a total of two Hollywood actresses please.

4. CUSTOMER: Sure, there you go.

5. CASHIER: Ooh, sorry but I'm afraid I can't accept this one. She's too old.

6. CUSTOMER: Since when?

7. CASHIER: Since the First of March. She's no longer legal tender unfortunately.

8. CUSTOMER: Just because she's old? That's ageism!

9. CASHIER: I don't make the rules mate. Look, if you take her to the Bank of England they'll exchange her for a young sexy type. Alternatively, have you got any British ones?
10. CUSTOMER: British ones?

11. CASHIER: Yeah, I might be able to accept an older British actress if she's achieved national treasure status.

12. CUSTOMER: Let me check my coat... aha! Dame Maggie Smith!

13. MAGGIE SMITH: Hello darling.

14. CASHIER: Great, let me just check with my supervisor that I can accept her. Susan!

15. MAGGIE SMITH: Oh do get a move on. One has places to be you know.

16. SUPERVISOR: What's up?

17. CASHIER: Customer here with Dame Maggie Smith. Are we okay to accept?

18. SUPERVISOR: Well in theory yes, except I'm pretty sure somebody paid for their meal deal with Maggie Smith not five minutes ago. This one must be counterfeit.

19. MAGGIE SMITH: I assure you I am the genuine article!

20. SUPERVISOR: She's good, I'll give her that. Let me just have a look at her forehead with this magnifying glass.

21. MAGGIE SMITH: Now look here...

22. SUPERVISOR: No! She's a fake! If she was real there'd be micro-lettering in her wrinkles. Right then sir, I'm afraid we can't let you take her away with you - there are strict rules about how we dispose of fake, old Hollywood actresses.

23. FX: BING BONG OF TANNOY

24. SUPERVISOR: [OVER TANNOY] Staff announcement, staff announcement. Could a furnace operator please make their way to checkout number three?

25. CASHIER: Sorry about all that mate. So do you just want to pay for the sandwich then?

26. CUSTOMER: Yeah, guess so. Oh wait a sec, I think there's something in the lining of my trousers...damn, it's another old one.

27. CASHIER: Oh no, that's an old male actor - we can take him, no problem. Enjoy your lunch!

END.

Quote: Auditchris @ 16th March 2018, 1:14 PM

Given that I've sent many sketches into the Newsjack void with no feedback I thought I'd be brave and post one here. It's one from a few weeks ago - I was pleased with it at the time but a little less so now. Would be grateful for any thoughts - will happily return the favour. Excuse any weird formatting on this post!

From today we are no longer able to use the old ten pound note - you know, the one with Charles Dickens on the front and that woman on the back. Deemed useless simply because it's reached a certain age - that sort of discrimination can't be right, can it?

1. GRAMS: SUPERMARKET EASY LISTENING

2. FX: BEEPS OF SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT

3. CASHIER: Okay, that comes to a total of two Hollywood actresses please.

4. CUSTOMER: Sure, there you go.

5. CASHIER: Ooh, sorry but I'm afraid I can't accept this one. She's too old.

6. CUSTOMER: Since when?

7. CASHIER: Since the First of March. She's no longer legal tender unfortunately.

8. CUSTOMER: Just because she's old? That's ageism!

9. CASHIER: I don't make the rules mate. Look, if you take her to the Bank of England they'll exchange her for a young sexy type. Alternatively, have you got any British ones?

10. CUSTOMER: British ones?

11. CASHIER: Yeah, I might be able to accept an older British actress if she's achieved national treasure status.

12. CUSTOMER: Let me check my coat... aha! Dame Maggie Smith!

13. MAGGIE SMITH: Hello darling.

14. CASHIER: Great, let me just check with my supervisor that I can accept her. Susan!

15. MAGGIE SMITH: Oh do get a move on. One has places to be you know.

16. SUPERVISOR: What's up?

17. CASHIER: Customer here with Dame Maggie Smith. Are we okay to accept?

18. SUPERVISOR: Well in theory yes, except I'm pretty sure somebody paid for their meal deal with Maggie Smith not five minutes ago. This one must be counterfeit.

19. MAGGIE SMITH: I assure you I am the genuine article!

20. SUPERVISOR: She's good, I'll give her that. Let me just have a look at her forehead with this magnifying glass.

21. MAGGIE SMITH: Now look here...

22. SUPERVISOR: No! She's a fake! If she was real there'd be micro-lettering in her wrinkles. Right then sir, I'm afraid we can't let you take her away with you - there are strict rules about how we dispose of fake, old Hollywood actresses.

23. FX: BING BONG OF TANNOY

24. SUPERVISOR: [OVER TANNOY] Staff announcement, staff announcement. Could a furnace operator please make their way to checkout number three?

25. CASHIER: Sorry about all that mate. So do you just want to pay for the sandwich then?

26. CUSTOMER: Yeah, guess so. Oh wait a sec, I think there's something in the lining of my trousers...damn, it's another old one.

27. CASHIER: Oh no, that's an old male actor - we can take him, no problem. Enjoy your lunch!

END.

View original

Will try and give feedback but bear in mind I have had no success...
I liked it. Good length. Like having Maggie Smith's voice rather than just two. Wondered if at end might be good to have an old male actor everyone knows with a distinctive voice speak out as would add life to it - maybe like Brian Blessed who could even speak at the end by shouting tally ho or whatever he would say. Maybe at start you could also add an elderly hollywood actress' name at the two hollywood actress stage to focus attention, say like Susan Sarandon or Meryl Streep who could speak once or twice which opens up the comedy. Also could say 'young sexy type like Jennifer Lawrence' maybe..
Also, instead of furnace operator you could say staff announcement, start up the furnace for elderly actress on checkout 3 then have a furnace starting up sound... but I tend to get carried away with sound effects
The bit about her wrinkles, another way would be to say 'if she was real she'd have micro lettering on her forehead but I can only see lines and wrinkles. Boy she's ancient.'

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I like the idea of an older actor identifiable by a catchphrase or something (eg "do you feel lucky punk?") speaking just before "damn it's another old one". It would add something to the ending - I felt the punchline to be slightly weak/obvious.

It would technically increase the speaking parts to five so maybe the cashier or customer would have to be female.

Cheers!

Danno I liked this. Good short length. Neat structure. Nice idea.
Only thing I would say is it needs more of a punchline.

@Auditchris...Really liked the concept, and some funny lines too. Keep it up!

Thanks BTF...yeah, struggled with a punchline so pleaded 'monty python'

here it is again (the first one accidentally vanished )

It's been revealed that nearly half of UK drivers who challenged parking and bus lane fines were successful, and that figure is as high as 90% in councils such as Basingstoke and Deane. Either these councils are particularly understanding or perhaps there's some hot shot, fancy-pants lawyer working their magic and beating the system?
Bus Lane Hogger
JUDGE: Basingstoke & Deane Council vs Janet Stevens. How do you plead?
JANET: Not guilty your honour.
JUDGE: The defendant has made a plea of not guilty, the prosecution may proceed.
PROSECUTION: Do you know what these are Mrs Stevens?
JANET: They look like pink fluffy dice?
PROSECUTION: They are indeed pink fluffy dice, your pink fluffy dice to be exact!
And do you recognise this?
For the benefit of the jury I'm holding up a bumper sticker that states: My other ride is a unicorn.
Both these items are clearly visible in the footage that shows you, Mrs Janet Stevens, hogging the bus lane along Winklebury Way. Members of the jury, the evidence is beyond reproach. I rest my case.
DEFENCE: Mrs Stevens. Do you know the words to the nursery rhyme 'Wheels on the Bus'?
JANET: Erm, yes. I used to sing it when I was little.
DEFENCE: And according to your family testimonies it's true that you wanted to be a bus driver when you were five years old. Is that correct?
JANET: Yes, I believe that to be true.
PROSETUTION: Objection. This line of questioning bears no relevance to the case.
JUDGE: Overruled.
DEFENCE: Mrs Stevens. Is it true that on numerous occasions your husband has made sarcastic comments about your reverse parking?
JANET: Yes. He's always doing it, the cheeky sod.
DEFENCE: In your own time, could you give me an example.
JANET: Well, just the other day he saw me reversing into our drive and shouted: 'hurry up love, you could fit a bus through there!'
DEFENCE: (Knowingly) "You could fit a bus through there." Members of the jury, I put it to you that Mrs Stevens has been manipulated by her husband into thinking she was driving a bus, which as we now know was also her childhood dream. I therefore submit a plea of temporary insanity.
PROSECTUTION: Your honour, this is ridiculous!
JUDGE: (Bangs on gavel) Overruled and case dismissed! Mrs Stevens you're free to go.

The End

@Danno: how about a twist/punchline where it's revealed she is in fact a bus driver and was actually driving a bus?

haha...like it! I had an idea about the judge introducing the next case and the punchline being part of it e.g. B&D Council vs Taxi Pete's fake blue sticker....or something along those lines, but ran out of time.

Enjoyed your sketch! Great concept.

It's been mentioned before, but if you want to keep up your writing in between Newsjack, check out the NewsRevue and The Treason Show. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps after the last NJ series but thought 'what the hell' and sent my last sketch (about good old Brexit) off to the Treason Show and they performed it, along with a song I'd written, in their November run. Proof that there is life outside of Newsjack.

Good luck to you all. Hope to catch up again for another round of topical badinage.