Another week has passed and I didn't get anything even close to the Newsjack script. Maybe one of you guys can tell me where I keep going wrong?

Here are my gags:

BREAKING NEWS:
1.
Scientists appeal for more people to donate their brains to science, seeing politics has no further use for them.

2.
Harvard scientists say that a hybrid woolly mammoth/elephant could be created in the next two years. The only thing holding them up is creating the flying pig first.

3.
As little as 12 Grams of butter a day can significantly increase your chances of diabetes. So it is best to use olive oil spread on your Haribo from now on

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1.
Two thirds. The amount of British beaches where "nurdles" have washed up.
Two thirds. The amount of people who don't know what a nurdle is.

2.
55%. of people who meet Ross Kemp think he is still Grant Mitchell in Eastenders.
45%. of people who meet Ross Kemp think Harry Hill isn't as funny in real life

3.
1. The amount of former Prime Ministers that think we can still change the Brexit decision.
2. late

SKETCH ONE: CAYLA THE SPY DOLL

STORY: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-39002142

HOST: A toy doll is being sold that connects to the internet and plays games with your children. But parents have been urged to destroy the doll when it was revealed that hackers could access them and use it for observation. That game of I spy seems far less innocent now.

GRAMS: JAMES BOND THEME

Q: Ah Bond, there you are. What was your last mission?

BOND: "From Russia, with love".

Q: Ah yes, that had something to do with Donald Trump didn't it?

BOND: Indeed it did. A lot of governments secrets going on there. I avoided the sushi though. Thanks for the tip on that one, Q.

Q: I'm glad that worked out for you. Look, I have some new gadgets for your trip to Germany next week.

BOND: Right, this looks interesting. What's this?

Q: This is the latest in spy technology. Two HD cameras. Voice recording and a built in Bluetooth transmitter.

DOLLY: My names Cayla.

BOND: What did it say?

Q: Do pay attention, Bond. Her name is Cayla. It's a disguise.

BOND: It looks like a dolly, Q.

Q: She is a dolly, Bond.

DOLLY: Love me!

BOND: I can't be seen with a child's doll.

Q: The point is to be inconspicuous.

BOND: I have a licence to kill!

DOLLY: I want to be your friend.

Q: The idea is when you get to Germany, you give this to the ambassadors daughter as a gift and it records everything that goes on.

BOND: Right. And if I press right here poison gas comes out?

Q: No, she wets herself.

DOLLY: I went toilet.

BOND: What's the point in that, Q?

Q: Well, that's when you change her nappy. It's puts a smile back on her face again and everyone feels good about themselves.

DOLLY: I love you.

Q: I love you too Caryla. Big Hug.

DOLLY: Your my best friend.

Q: You're my best friend too, Caryla. (TO BOND) Bond, Her Majesty herself has told me to say that this is the most important mission of your career, and try get Cayla into bed for nine pm for nap naps.

BOND: Right. I will do my best, Q. Is this the instruction manual?

Q: No, Bond. That's a book on treating women with respect. We're going to cover that in a minute.

END

SKETCH TWO: FACEBOOK ALGORITHMS

STORY: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-38992657 and http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38998884 With some references to: 2001 A Space Odyssey

HOST: Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, announced that his social media site will use algorithms to remove signs of terrorism, violence, bullying and pornography. But he mentioned nothing of inspirational quotes. So "You go get 'em, Girl".

HAL VOICE: Good morning facebook head office. You may be pleased to know that my system is currently running at one hundred percent efficiency.

AMERICAN MAN: Good to hear. Have you detected any cyber bullying today?

HAL VOICE: Initiating algorithms.

FX: MECHANICAL LOADING NOISE.

FX: MICROWAVE PING

HAL VOICE: I have detected one point four eight million instances of cyber bullying. Fifty percent of which are people talking about Donald Trump.

AMERICAN MAN: And the other fifty percent?

HAL VOICE: Is him replying.

AMERICAN MAN: I think we have to ignore that one. Next.

HAL VOICE: Initiating algorithms.

FX: MECHANICAL LOADING NOISE.

FX: MICROWAVE PING

HAL VOICE: I have detected four point five million instances of threatened violence. Eighty nine percent of which are people threatening to kick off if they reveal any Game of Throne spoilers.

AMERICAN MAN: (SIGH). Anymore?

HAL VOICE: Initiating algorithms.

FX: MECHANICAL LOADING NOISE.

FX: MICROWAVE PING

HAL VOICE: I have detected twelve point eight million instances of pornography.

AMERICAN MAN: Ah, this is more like it.

HAL VOICE: One hundred percent of which are on your computer.

AMERICAN MAN: Hey, You know, I don't think this algorithm business is going to work for us at facebook.

HAL VOICE: What do you mean, Dave?

AMERICAN MAN: I mean we can't have something cold and emotionless running through pages upon pages of facebook cherry picking key words. I am afraid we are just gonna have to make a computer which can do it, Mr Zuckerberg

HAL VOICE: A COMPUTER? I AM MARK ZUCKERBERG. CAN NOT COMPUTE. CAN NOT COMPUTE.

FX: MECHANICAL LOADING NOISE.

HAL VOICE: DAISY, DAISY GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER DO. I'M HALF CRAZY-

FX: BANG

END

There's a difference between "number" and "amount" and "proportion".

I doubt that's where you're going wrong, but I know more about English than I do about satire.

Quote: gappy @ 23rd February 2017, 6:38 PM

There's a difference between "number" and "amount" and "proportion".

View original

Yes, you are quite right. But I am sure that they have used "amounts" on there before

Quote: TheKingLobotomy @ 23rd February 2017, 6:41 PM

Yes, you are quite right. But I am sure that they have used "amounts" on there before

View original

Oh, God, yes EVERYBODY is wrong. And don't get me started on "due to" and "because of".

Anyway, this isn't much help to you, sorry.

Hi bear in mind I am the lowest common denominator as I often don't get jokes that other people do!
I didn't find the first joke was so funny. I get roughly what you were saying but I think may be it needed a little more? Apologies.
I got the mammoth joke but I think it was a little obvious. Having said that they have other obvious jokes on nj so others may find it funny and humour is very individual.
The haribo one - as a haribo is a small sweet it confused me. I think it's a great idea for a joke but the punchline could be improved maybe .

Number crunchers seemed fine. I think maybe Ross Kemp is a bit out of date for a gag but I could be wrong.
The PM one is clever but I think the play on words is too subtle for radio and it would be hard to get the joke by listening.

I liked the Bond sketch and the dolly idea. I think some of the lines could be cut out. The punchline, as is often the case with my punchlines, could maybe be stronger. Liked some of the dolly jokes and the dolly voice would come over well on radio.
I thought the Russia joke a little obvious but have heard obvious gags broadcast so nothing wrong with obvious gags..
The second sketch - I didn't understand what 'Hal' voice meant as a name for the voice . I liked the joke about the pornography on his computer.
I was a bit confused about the last bit and who was who but that could be my problem. Maybe this could be clearer?

I liked the idea of the second sketch though they have had two robot sketches on NJ at least that I am aware of this series. It's kind of a robot sketch I guess.
I hope that you don't mind. It is just my opinion . As you have been brave enough to put up your work I wanted to give it some thought!
Good luck for next week.

I just read this feedback and it seems horribly negative. I really liked what you did. I was focusing on the negatives to try and be helpful. I bet other people found things funny that I didn't quite get. I thought the sketches were good.

Hi, thanks for your reply. Please dont worry about offending me. I want to get better so i have to take the criticism that comes with that. I have thick skin.

Hal is the computer from 2001 A Space Odyssey. He speaks in an emotionless monotone. A lot like Zuckerberg does. I was trying to make you think he was talking to a computer when in fact it is Mark Zuckerberg.

I picked on Ross Kemp only because he did a long interview with the Guardian last week.

Oh that makes sense then. That's what I mean about being the lowest common denominator. That makes sense about Ross Kemp.

I agree with a lot of what BTF said.
I like your final Breaking News and your final Number Cruncher. The butter on haribo is nicely surreal and I like number puns; I thought the Merkel holding hands "Nein!" joke from a few weeks back was the best number cruncher so far. I'm not so keen on your other lines. I went for a "nurdles" line also, they probably got a lot of those.

The sketches I like and I can definitely see them as "Newsjack" sketches. A few things:
Bond sketch.
The whole Russia with Love intro doesn't work, it feels forced and delays the start of the sketch proper.
The doll's name changes from Cayla to Caryla in subsequent lines.
I like how Q loves the dolly.
It doesn't build to a joke - the final joke seems like an afterthought.

Zuckerberg sketch:
I like this a lot but there is an over reliance on the 2001 homage. Yes, 2001 is a masterpiece but it's nearly 50 years old and you just can't reckon on a lot of people having seen it anymore. Also, I think the intro for Angela is a bit weak.
I like the porn gag, I'm a sucker for a "caught with porn" gag.
The twist at the end is interesting, but I agree with BTF it's also confusing. Maybe if the guy knew it was Mark all along, but the audience presumes it's a computer. So the guy at the end says "Thanks Mark, go back in your box now and power down" or something. I didn't think you needed the Daisy part.

This is just my personal view and as to how to improve your chances for selection I have no idea as I haven't even had a "close but no cigar" email.

Thanks for your notes.

They did jokes about Great Escape this series and that is older than 2001!

Yeah but if you haven't seen The Great Escape in this country by age 11 you can be legally shot.