There was a brilliant Noel Fielding one liner from Buzzcocks, when this popstar (I fail to recall who, possibly Rita Ora) said she was afraid of roads, and truly sincerely he said
'Yeah, me too, just the way they never end'
Favourite Jokes From Stand Ups Page 3
Jimmy Carr in trouble again for telling politically incorrect jokes about dwarves.
If they didn't like it he said that they should grow up.
That reminds me of a wrestling show that had a "small person" royal rumble once.
The commentator made the remark that the one guy is a pretty terrible person and not one we should look up to.
"What is 40 feet long and has no pubic hair?"
"The line outside a Justin Bieber concert."
Barry Cryer:
A man goes to a doctor. The doctor says: "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"Oh no!" says the man. "Why?"
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm trying to examine you."
I'm on a whiskey diet
I've lost 3 days already
I first saw this on a greetings card with a picture of Tommy Cooper and when I do an internet search there are some listings associating it to Tommy but no video footage so it makes me wonder what the link is. Can anyone confirm this was from Tommy Cooper?
A routine I've seen that is on another level is Stuart Lee and jungle canyon rope bridges. A scenario that makes me want to laugh and kill myself.
More Bob Monkhouse: They say the bigger a woman's breasts are, the stupider she is. It's the opposite for me. I find the bigger a woman's breasts are, the stupider I become.
What a lovely day for sticking a cucumber through the vicar's letter box and shouting "the Martians have landed"
Conjures up a wonderful image in my head and the "What a lovely day........." should tell you who cracked it - one of my comedy heroes who I have seen live.
Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 31st March 2016, 12:25 AM BSTI'm on a whiskey diet
I've lost 3 days already
I first saw this on a greetings card with a picture of Tommy Cooper and when I do an internet search there are some listings associating it to Tommy but no video footage so it makes me wonder what the link is. Can anyone confirm this was from Tommy Cooper?
He tells it 41 minutes into the BBC DVD "The Best of Tommy Cooper" when addressing a Variety Club lunch featuring Dean Martin. Although the actual punch line on that occasion was "I lost 3 days last week".
Just prior to that he says "I was asked do you always drink whisky neat?. I said, no - sometimes I let my shirt hang out"... 
One of my Faves
Quote: Sarc @ 21st December 2015, 4:01 PM GMTOne of my favourites is from Lee Mack which is something along the lines of
"I don't drink in the house, in other news I've just bought a shed"
I like a similar line also from Lee Mack.
"I've just joined a wine club. We meet every morning in the park".
Quote: Billy Bunter @ 31st March 2016, 11:22 PM BSTHe tells it 41 minutes into the BBC DVD "The Best of Tommy Cooper" when addressing a Variety Club lunch featuring Dean Martin. Although the actual punch line on that occasion was "I lost 3 days last week".
Just prior to that he says "I was asked do you always drink whisky neat?. I said, no - sometimes I let my shirt hang out"...
Brill thanks for that
Good to see it's accurate because it can be easy for the internet to be misleading.