AN INTERVIEWER IS AIMLESSLY WANDERING AROUND A RURAL AREA, MICROPHONE IN HAND.
INTERVIEWER(to cameraman):
It looks like the director is going to run with Clark Lawrences' interview with Furkan Swift. Stupid Clark bloody Lawrence yet again! Let's blow him out of the water and get a flippin' brilliant one today.
A TYPICAL FARMER APPROACHES...
INTERVIEWER:
Hi, are you interesting?
JOHN:
Well I could tell you an interesting story....(with vigour) Many moons ago when I was but a snapper, no; a whippet, no. What was I?
INTERVIEWER:
Piss off!
HE KICKS JOHN OUT OF SHOT.
HE APPROACHES ANOTHER MAN (TOM).
INTERVIEWER:
Excuse me?
TOM (thinks he is offering him the microphone):
(Grateful) Aw thanks!
HE TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND BEGINS WALKING AWAY.
INTERVIEWER RUNS AFTER HIM.
INTERVIEWER:
Give me the microphone back you feckin eejit!
INTERVIEWER GRABS THE MICROPHONE TURNS AND STARES INTO THE DISTANCE.
INTERVIEWER:
What in the name of question marks!!!???
THE CAMERA PANS TO WHERE THE INTERVIEWER IS LOOKING. WE SEE A STRANGE MAN APPROACHING. HE IS WEARING CANVAS SHORTS, A SHIRT AND TIE, LONG BLACK SOCKS AND BOOTS.
INTERVIEW:
Hello there..am..what are you?
STRANGE MAN (HUGO):
I'm just back...on the move for many years I was. My colleagues and I spent the last few years conquering each of the fabled Peaks of Palacuna. Hugo Wings' the name.
INTERVIEWER (ENTHUSIASTIC):
Great, great and what was...wait a moment; Hugo Wing? Part of the 'Peak Performers'; set out six years ago in the most daring climb ever conceived: to climb the seven peaks of the dreaded Palacuna region. Hugo Wing, Tony Bongojaw and Hoohar Derrerero - 'The Three Mountaineers'.
HUGO:
Yes, that's what they called me. They said I had it all, mountaineering, climbing and going up. 'The Three Mountaineers Tony and Hoohar' - that's what we were known as.
INTERVIEWER:
So where are the others?
HUGO:
I'm afraid I am the sole survivor. Bongojaw and Derrerero met a fate worse than death...equal to death...am death.
INTERVIEWER:
That is a pity I suppose but did you do it? Did you conquer the seven peaks?
HUGO:
I conquered all seven peaks and I even have the spoons to prove it.
HE HOLDS OUT SEVEN SPOONS.
HUGO:
I brought these spoons with me and I used one for a victory meal at the summit of each of the seven peaks.
INTERVIEWER:
Amazing. No one has ever ventured into the Palacuna region before. What did you find? Where did you go? What happened to Tony and Hoohar?
HUGO:
It was a strange place. We saw it all. Golden rivers, statues only visible in sunlight, a perfectly square duck. At one point Crivenden mountain inverted in on itself and became a molehill. We found ourselves trapped with a squadron of otters that had some of the loveliest hair-cuts I had ever seen.
They were slicked to the side, slicked to the other side, more had that sort of tousled look. Pomade and hair gel everywhere. Very well groomed, absolutely lovely.
After four day we were rescued by a fox with a handlebar moustache and tweed cap. He called himself 'the hunter Jack Steed'. He took us back to his place and shows us his collection of rare artefacts.
It was truly astounding. A pair of owls hands, a monkey's shoe, a jar full of hare's breath.
INTERVIEWER:
Wow this is bloody gold! (addressing cameraman) are you getting this?
(back to Hugo) So what happened Tony and Hoohar?
HUGO:
Well the very next day we set out for peak number five; The Bishops Candle. We began noticing signs telling us not to observe arguments and in-fighting between the animals. We thought nothing of it and soon came across a heated argument between a woodpecker and a squirrel.
I couldn't make out everything they were saying but I got the gist of it. The woodpecker was going mental tututuut(woodpecker sounds) and then the squirrel was all (squeak sounds). The woodpecker naturally didn't like that one bit and went (more animated) tutututututut.
The squirrel was just pulling out a machete when Bongojaw sneezed. In seconds we were completely surrounded. They were all there; Brogue-footed monkeys, stripy lions, the lovely-haired otters.
I was the first to react. I quickly looked the other way and I started breathing into a bush full of geese. Luckily they engaged me in conversation about the posture of badgers.
Bongojaw was taken by the otters and they placed him in a barbers chair.
INTERVIEWER:
What did they do? Stab him with a scissors?
HUGO:
No, nothing like that. They washed his sidelocks, they measured his fringe and then just...(solemnly) just combed his hair to death.
Derrerero went much quicker. He got stung by lions.
INTERVIEWER:
Stung by lions? Stung?
HUGO:
Yes they have tails don't they. I had escaped but was lost without my friends. I spent the next two weeks crying into my biscuits.
With a heavy heart I climbed the last two peaks and now here I am.
INTERVIEWER:
This is unbelievable! This is..what a find!
INTERVIEWER LOOKS AT CAMERA AGAIN.
INTERVIEWER:
You're getting all this?
CAMERAMAN TILTS THE CAMERA SLIGHTLY MORE TOWARDS THE INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER:
Why did you tilt the camera then? You did get that interview didn't you?
CAMERAMAN:
Yeah I got it from the very start.
INTERVIEWER:
The very start of this interview?
CAMERAMAN:
Ye...ah the very start. The interview at the very start.....with the first guy.
WE PAN OUT TO SEE JOHN(FIRST INTERVIEWEE) STILL WAFFLING ON ABOUT BEING A SNAPPER OR A WHIPPET.
INTERVIEWER (TO HUGO):
Just stay there one moment I'd like to ask you a couple of more questions.
INTERVIEWER APPROACHES THE CAMERAMAN.
INTERVIEWER(annoyed):
What did you record?
INTERVIEWER (OFF CAMERA) EMITS A RANGE OF EXPLETIVES.
INTERVIEWER:
It's okay. We'll just go through the questions with him again.
CAMERAMAN:
Hugo's gone.
INTERVIEWER GOES OFF ON ANOTHER EXPLETIVE RANT. THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.
CUT TO INTERVIEWER. TODAY WE GOING TO HEAR AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING STORY FROM A TRULY INCREDIBLE MAN.
PAN OUT TO REVEAL JOHN.
INTERVIEWER:
So John what were you called when you were young?
JOHN:
Well it all depended if it was before or after my mother swept the floor. Some days she wouldn't sweep it 'til, God surely nine or ten at night. On occasion I could be gone to bed before she called me anything...this other time there was a blade of grass in my shoe...
INTERVIEWER THROWS HIS MICROPHONE OVER HIS SHOULDER AND WALKS OFF.
END.
Enjoyed Otter's, but shall stick with Funy.