Hi Callum,
Well done on getting up there and giving it a go! And it sounds like you have the right Idea videoing it and watching it back,

I'd say you learnt a lot, because that second 5 mins is Very funny, of course It can be pulled aprat, but so can any act, but If I heard that at a stand up, and if you delivered it well, It would be the best of the night nd its funny, and funy in lots of parts.

I'm not sure about the 3 baths a day reference, I think it needs a reason, but I'm sure you can work that out, I can't help but think if your going to talk about baths and talk about taking lots of them you missed an obvious line, I'm think it would go something like:

"It used to be a Problem,, I was Diagnosed with Baptisia as a child, which is the Addiction to taking Baths, but I got help, and for the last 5 years I've been clean!"

and for the last 5 years I've been clean is really funny (though if I'm being pedantic it doesn't strictly make sense because you would surely have been more clean when you had you bath problem)

Quote: CallumS @ 19th November 2014, 3:08 PM GMT

So with the first paragraph I've quoted would you recommend changing the structure a little. IE. Does the below work better as to me it makes more sense.

Speaking of baths do we have any dog owners in? [insert small intro gag about dogs and baths - I will enjoy countless hours I'm sure trying to come up with this haha]. Dog owners will have the experience of seeing your doq squat down ready to deposit their waste and everyone finds themselves cheering the dog on 'wee, wee, please God be a wee'. I used to be like this too but I recently made a groundbeaking discovery and that is that that dog poo actually makes a pretty good hand warmer. In a bag obviously, I'm not a weirdo!

Re: The second paragraph - when you see remove this from the set are you talking about just the opening line 'people are horrible nowadays aren't they?'?
I realise this is a bit hack but couldn't think of another lead in. This bit now had an added callback as well (Thanks to Mikey88's recommendation) and that's that after I say 'What cruel person responds to news like this thinking 'excellent, yes, I've been looking for something to cheer me up' I say 'I mean how's she going to keep her hands warm?'

Cheers,
Callum

View original

First paragraph is reading much better Callum.

Second paragraph - yes, just needs a better lead intro/lead in.

If you ask a question in the intro re the audience surely you will be looking for a response from the audience ie hand up etc. so when one does that's where you put your gag. I'd a thought???

Speaking of baths. So we have any dog owners in?

(Man puts up hand)

Thank you for your honesty sir, but judging by the reaction of the woman sitting behind you. It might be worth considering that a bath, just like your dog.... Is not just for Christmas!

OR.

(Hands go up etc)

Ok. A few of you. Now how many of you take a bath with your dog?
(No hands, disappointment from you)

nobody eh! Maybe my mum was right then, I'd best stick to the rubber duck.

(.... I still think the print shop was wrong though taking those prints to the police. )

OR: you know... Something funny but you get the idea?

Quote: Marc P @ 21st November 2014, 6:14 AM GMT

If you ask a question in the intro re the audience surely you will be looking for a response from the audience ie hand up etc. so when one does that's where you put your gag. I'd a thought???

Speaking of baths. So we have any dog owners in?

(Man puts up hand)

Thank you for your honesty sir, but judging by the reaction of the woman sitting behind you. It might be worth considering that a bath, just like your dog.... Is not just for Christmas!

OR.

(Hands go up etc)

Ok. A few of you. Now how many of you take a bath with your dog?
(No hands, disappointment from you)

nobody eh! Maybe my mum was right then, I'd best stick to the rubber duck.

(.... I still think the print shop was wrong though taking those prints to the police. )

OR: you know... Something funny but you get the idea?

View original

Marc P offering up some helpful advice. Well I never!

What's even more surprising is they are bloody good points too.

I have learned to listen to you Craig!!

Some journeys begin after a thousand steps!!!

Quote: Marc P @ 21st November 2014, 6:14 AM GMT

If you ask a question in the intro re the audience surely you will be looking for a response from the audience ie hand up etc. so when one does that's where you put your gag. I'd a thought???

Speaking of baths. So we have any dog owners in?

(Man puts up hand)

Thank you for your honesty sir, but judging by the reaction of the woman sitting behind you. It might be worth considering that a bath, just like your dog.... Is not just for Christmas!

OR.

(Hands go up etc)

Ok. A few of you. Now how many of you take a bath with your dog?
(No hands, disappointment from you)

nobody eh! Maybe my mum was right then, I'd best stick to the rubber duck.

(.... I still think the print shop was wrong though taking those prints to the police. )

OR: you know... Something funny but you get the idea?

View original

Thanks that's really useful - love the rubber duck one!

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 19th November 2014, 3:13 PM GMT

Hi Callum,
Well done on getting up there and giving it a go! And it sounds like you have the right Idea videoing it and watching it back,

I'd say you learnt a lot, because that second 5 mins is Very funny, of course It can be pulled aprat, but so can any act, but If I heard that at a stand up, and if you delivered it well, It would be the best of the night nd its funny, and funy in lots of parts.

I'm not sure about the 3 baths a day reference, I think it needs a reason, but I'm sure you can work that out, I can't help but think if your going to talk about baths and talk about taking lots of them you missed an obvious line, I'm think it would go something like:

"It used to be a Problem,, I was Diagnosed with Baptisia as a child, which is the Addiction to taking Baths, but I got help, and for the last 5 years I've been clean!"

View original

Thanks, yeah I definitely gained a lot from just performing it.
Never even considered the addiction / clean aspect haha - great gag.

Quote: Mikey88 @ 19th November 2014, 5:06 PM GMT

and for the last 5 years I've been clean is really funny (though if I'm being pedantic it doesn't strictly make sense because you would surely have been more clean when you had you bath problem)

View original

Some good ideas there thanks (meant to quote previous one)

"The other day I went to a turtle gathering .. bit dull .. none of us came out of our shell."

Could become

"The other day I went to a TORTOISE gathering .. bit dull .. none of us came out of our shell. IT WAS A TURTLE DISASTER"

But I see you cut it.