This is my latest sketch. I like the idea of it but don't know whether it is good or not. Any advice would be appreciated.

A newspaper editor is showing an apprentice around his new work area.

EDITOR:
So that's the water cooler it will dispense water out of this tap if you turn the tap, so definitely try that sometime.

APPRENTICE:
I'm so excited to be working here. I've been dreaming of becoming a journalist since I was a kid.

EDITOR:
Well it's great to have you... ooh actually through that door is the headline writing team.

APPRENTICE:
Do you mind if I go in? I'd like to see what it's like in there. I've always wondered how you come up with funny headlines so fast.

EDITOR:
(SERIOUS) Are you sure? You'll be stumbling on the biggest kept secret in newspaper history. You will literally have to work here the rest of your life.

APPRENTICE:
What are you talking about?

EDITOR:
I'm serious this is the biggest newspaper secret you must swear not to tell anyone.

APPRENTICE:
Okay I swear.

EDITOR:
We come up with the puns before the story.

The APPRENTICE is silent for a few seconds.

APPRENTICE:
Y... You come up with the puns first? How is that even possible?

EDITOR:
It's simple really. This building is in the exact centre of the universe and so we control everything that happens.

A few seconds of silence.

APPRENTICE:
Oh yeah okay.

EDITOR:
You don't have any questions?

APPRENTICE:
Of course I've got some questions! Question 1: Is this a joke? Question 2: Is this... well actually question 1 covers everything nicely.

EDITOR:
Look why don't we go in and you can see for yourself?

The EDITOR opens the door and a group of writers are sat around a table.

WRITER #1:
What if, there's a Harry Potter remake, and John McEnroe gets the role as Harry's uncle.

WRITER #2:
You cannot be Sirius! I love it. That's happening.

EDITOR:
I told you.

APPRENTICE:
So every news story that has ever happened is just to get a cheap pun.

EDITOR:
Yes. In fact there should be an earthquake happening in Djibouti in about 10 minutes... 'Shake Djibouti'

The Editor waits for a laugh from the apprentice.

EDITOR (CONT'D):
As in shake your booty.

APPRENTICE:
Yes I know. I got the joke. Why do this though?

EDITOR:
Because everyone buys papers for one reason only... The funny headlines.

APPRENTICE:
Wait. So was World War Two created by you for a cheap pun?

EDITOR:
What a small German guy with an insane moustache and one testicle trying to take over Europe? Of course it was us!

APPRENTICE:
But all those lives lost for a cheap pun. Which was..?

EDITOR:
'German FUHRERY'

APPRENTICE:
That's not even remotely good.

I think the core idea to this sketch is very strong - seems very Mitchell and Webb. However, I don't think the execution is quite right.

You dilly dally about a bit at the start, so I think you could jump straight in on a slightly edited version of this this line:

EDITOR:
Well it's great to have you... ooh actually through that door is the headline writing team

Also, I think the apprentice just seems to be asking a lot of questions at present. Perhaps have him playing along with the whole idea, no matter how ludicrous the editor's explanations get.

The punchline's a bit weak. Maybe you could have a pun created about the death of an apprentice or something.

Quite a bit of work needs doing, but I think you could end up with a strong and clever sketch.

"So that's the water cooler it will dispense water out of this tap if you turn it, so definitely try that sometime."

"...so definitely try that sometime"! As if that's such an exciting thing to do that you really wouldn't want to miss out. I love it!

I agree it needs a stronger punchline.

I like the bit about the headline writing room being all puns, but I think you should get the apprentice at the door as soon as possible maybe even with the opening line:

A newspaper editor is showing an apprentice around his new work area.

The EDITOR opens a door that reads headline writing team and a group of writers are sat around a table...

I would leave out the line about the water cooler, and it needs a stronger punchline, but I love the rest of it. Great idea, and "you cannot be Sirius" and "shake Djibouti" made me laugh out loud.

The core idea and puns are really good, but the pacing and dialogue need work to make each line count. For example, when the apprentice/temp has his two questions, the line's too long and a bit stilted. Also instead of "you don't have any questions?" - better moved along by "any questions?"

As someone mentioned, it's quite Mitchell and Webb, maybe try imagining it in their voices to get the flow right.

Agree also that the final punchline needs changing. Can't think of any suitable puns but perhaps someone is only a public figure due to their being good for headline (preposterous characters like Justin Bieber, Ed Miliband, Boris Johnson).

Really nice idea... So nice it could strung out more I reckon (developed I suppose I mean) ....I liked the water cooler line , a bit, personally. Needs a beefier ending as everybody agreed.

Quote: Ben @ 8th August 2014, 6:32 PM BST

EDITOR:
Well it's great to have you... ooh actually through that door is the headline writing team

Also, I think the apprentice just seems to be asking a lot of questions at present. Perhaps have him playing along with the whole idea, no matter how ludicrous the editor's explanations get.

The punchline's a bit weak. Maybe you could have a pun created about the death of an apprentice or something.

View original

My idea of ending it was for the apprentice to try and come up with a headline but to be instantly fired for it being rubbish. But I think you're idea of having next week's newspaper about the death of an apprentice is brilliant.

And people have said on other sketches I have wrote that I take too long to get into it and add unnecessary dialogue.

Quote: Rob0 @ 9th August 2014, 8:59 AM BST

Agree also that the final punchline needs changing. Can't think of any suitable puns but perhaps someone is only a public figure due to their being good for headline (preposterous characters like Justin Bieber, Ed Miliband, Boris Johnson).

View original

Yes that is a much better punchline than mine. The only reason I ended the sketch when I did was because I thought it was becoming too long.

I knew the idea could be expanded and improved so thank you all very much for the feedback.

Quote: Rob0 @ 9th August 2014, 8:59 AM BST

it's quite Mitchell and Webb

View original

I imagine this is absolute coincidence, but it's more than quite M&W, this exact joke is in their coffee table book (available now at the £1 shop, where I got mine!) - punning headlines thought up for papers by comedy writers in the hope that the news event might later transpire.

So, bad louck, but I think this sketch is a no-go now. It's quite well-handled, though - and I also love the opening lines, think of another 1st day in the office sketch to tag them onto!

Well I'm a bit annoyed that I have no longer come up with an original sketch, but on the upside I have now ordered a Mitchell and Webb book I didn't know existed. So I guess I've come out of this quite well.