Now, I haven't posted a thread in this forum for years. But I have an old script (or part of a script) that includes parts I really like, but I'm not quite sure what direction I should take it in, so thought I'd post part of it here and see if it inspires anything.

This forum really helped me all those years back, the advice I got from members here was very valuable in learning the dos and don'ts of sitcom writing, and was a big part of getting my agent and meetings etc (humblebrag). I try to offer advice on other peoples sitcoms when I can, and it's good to see this forum still thriving.

Anyway, enough yakking, here is the opening scene of Unfamous, a sitcom about a glamour model that moves back in with her parents:

INT. THE TAYLOR HOUSE, HALLWAY - DAY

MARY-ANN TAYLOR, 25, model looks, and WILSON, 50s, bookish, stand in the hall. Wilson holds a suitcase.

MARY-ANN

Welcome to my humble abode, Wilson.

WILSON

Beautiful, Miss Taylor.

MARY-ANN

Wait here.

WILSON

Shall I make myself at home?

MARY-ANN

No, I don't know what you do at home, Wilson. A lot of people masturbate.

WILSON

I would never, Miss Taylor. Not in the hall.

LIZZIE TAYLOR, 50s, flamboyant, enters.

LIZZIE

Mary-Ann! I knew I heard voices. I thought it was my Thorazine wearing off. Speaking of which, are you still seeing that Doctor?

MARY-ANN

I wasn't seeing him, Mum! He felt me up when I was under anaesthetic.

LIZZIE

You were asking for it dressed like that.

MARY-ANN

I was in a hospital gown!

LIZZIE

You had your legs wide open.

MARY-ANN

He was my gynecologist! Jesus! Mum!

LIZZIE
(sultry)

And who is this?

MARY-ANN

Wilson. He's my PA. Or man-servant. Or something. I dunno. What are you again?

WILSON

PA is fine.

LIZZIE

It's a pleasure to meet you, Wilson. I'm Lizzie.
(shouting)
Geoffrey! Get down here!

Geoff (O.O.V)

I'm on the loo!

LIZZIE
(shouting)

Well hurry up! Mary-Ann's home! She's got some great news!

GEOFF (O.O.V)

She better not be pregnant!

MARY-ANN

What?

LIZZIE
(shouting)

Of course she's not pregnant.
(beat)
You're not are you? You do look like you've put on a few pounds?

MARY-ANN

Mum! No! What the hell?!

LIZZIE

Good. Last thing I need is a chubby little sprog running around the house.

MARY-ANN

Why would it be chubby?

LIZZIE

By the way, Simon's been ringing here. He wants to talk to you.

MARY-ANN

God! When will he get it through his thick skull that we're over? It was just a fling! I mean, we were only married for two months. We didn't even go on the honeymoon!
(beat)
Well, he didn't.

WILSON

Would you like me to speak to him, Miss Taylor?

MARY-ANN

What are you going to do Wilson? Threaten to beat him up with your colostomy bag?
(laughs to herself)
I'm saying you're old.

LIZZIE

Old and experienced, eh Wilson?
(winks)

MARY-ANN

Mum. Stop. You're making me gag. Wilson, go phone Simon.

WILSON

Do you have his number?

MARY-ANN

Have you heard of a phone-book, Wilson? It's white, thick, and has been around for hundreds of years - like you!
(laughs to herself again)

WILSON

I don't know his surname, Miss Taylor.

MARY-ANN

Oh right. It's Garrett.

Wilson exits.

LIZZIE

Is he married?

MARY-ANN

Mum! Please. Keep it in your pants. Wait a minute, are those my pants?

GEOFF TAYLOR, 50s, a portly gent, enters.

GEOFF

That bog roll's like sand paper. I feel like I've been dragged through the Sahara desert arse first!

MARY-ANN

Daddy!

Mary-Ann runs over and hugs Geoff.

GEOFF

Pumpkin! How are you?

MARY-ANN

Did you miss me?

GEOFF

Like you wouldn't believe. Not a day went by that I wasn't thinking of you.
(beat)
How long are you gonna be staying with us?

MARY-ANN

Well, that's my good news. I'm moving back in!

GEOFF
(surprised)

What? You mean until you fly back to Paris...?

MARY-ANN

No. Permanently!

GEOFF
(unsure)

I missed you so bloody much!

Sorry Martin it didn't work for me. I didn't buy the reality of either the set up in this scene or the characters. In this opening nothing is at stake. There is no story just expositional dialogue that like I said I didn't buy into. Why would a gynaecologist have a patient anaesthetised for example? It's setting up the characters with an off stage story which is never a good idea, particularly if it doesn't ring true or make sense. The trick is always to show don't tell. Put things at stake and make the audience buy into the absurdity of a situation if there is some sort of grounding that helps them go along with your vision. Sorry to be giving it a no, but I am guessing from your experiences thus far you didn't want a sugar coated pill as it were.

Fair points.

It is mainly just a bunch of lines and cartoonish characters. Hence why I have never done anything with this particular script. And probably why I shouldn't!

Well yes. Certainly as it is. People enjoy the froth on a coffee as long as there is coffee beneath it.

I really liked it, it made me chuckle. Two things I think though that didn't quite work was the 'phonebook' part, as no one uses phonebooks anymore. But as you said, it was written some time ago, so it just needs a bit of modernising.

The only other thing I was unsure on was the unsmooth transition from 'MARY-ANN: Why would it be chubby?' to 'LIZZIE: By the way, Simon's been ringing here. He wants to talk to you.' I just think it's a bit clunky. What it needs, I think, is a few more lines to connect on part of the extract to the next. Because Mary-Ann is/was a model, you could tap into the model psyche of being thin. Something like:

MA: Why would it be chubby?
L: Because all babies are chubby.
MA: I was chubby. (beat) Ew.
L: Never mind that, you have more important things to worry about than chubbyness.
MA: Like what?
L: Simon's been ringing here. He wants to talk to you.

Alternatively, however, you could have Lizzie dismiss her statement with:

L: Nevermind. (beat) Oh! And before I forget, Simon's been ringing her. I think he wants to talk to you.

But apart from those two things, I think it was great. Can't wait to read more of it (if you do any more )

Definitely.

I just realised I uploaded an older draft, the newer one is on the iPad, and it doesn't include the gynaecologist line you'll be happy to know!

Quote: Josh M @ 18th July 2014, 10:10 PM BST

MA: Why would it be chubby?
L: Because all babies are chubby.
MA: I was chubby. (beat) Ew.
L: Never mind that, you have more important things to worry about than chubbyness.
MA: Like what?
L: Simon's been ringing here. He wants to talk to you.

View original

That actually works really well. You're right on the clunkiness of that line.

The iPad version also has a different opening scene, and different character names. What a moron! It's been so long since I've posted that I can't even post the right damn material.

I can rest easy now Martin

This was the opening scene from the newer iPad version, which then lead into the scene I posted above.

INT. WH SMITH - DAY

CLOSE-UP on book cover, featuring the beautifully airbrushed face of MARY-ANN TAYLOR, 27, along with the title "MARY-ANN TAYLOR: IN MY OWN WORDS" and underneath "As transcribed by Graham Parker".

Mary-Ann sits behind a table, not quite as perfect looking as her book cover makes out, a stack of books in front of her. Her hapless PA, WILSON, 60, stands beside her. The most depressing book signing you've ever seen.

MARY-ANN

What time does the store open, Wilson?

WILSON

9am, Mary-Ann.

MARY-ANN

And what time is it now?

WILSON

10:45.

MARY-ANN

Jesus! Wilson! Where is everyone?

TANNOY (V.O)

Ladies and gentlemen, why not visit our stationary department today where you can find great deals on everything from paper to pens. Also, television personality Marianne Taylor is doing a book signing by the snack aisle.

MARY-ANN

Marianne? Wilson, this is a disaster!

WILSON

Miss Taylor...

An OLD LADY on a mobility scooter drives up to the table.

MARY-ANN
(primed with pen)

Hello! Thanks so much for coming! Who do you want me to make it out too?

The old lady throws a king size bag of Doritos onto the table.

OLD LADY

And a Lucky Dip for tonight please, love.

MARY-ANN
(raging)

Do I look like a check-out girl?

I think that works much better as an opening scene and perfectly sets up the premise for the show. And do they sell king size bags of Doritos in WH Smiths? If so, I am missing out

Only thing I would say is that I would put in a scene Mary-Ann and Watson between this and the 'coming home' one where Mary-Ann is revealing her frustrations in monologue towards Wilson, be it in a car journey or walking down the street with suitcases before they enter the family home. That way, the flow between the two scenes would be better and you could add dimension with Mary-Ann trying to hide her stardom failure from her parents to avoid their disappointment. But that's just me, you might think differently.

I liked that new opening scene a lot. I'd want to read on certainly. I'd personally cut the very last line though. Other than that, good!

Also in the new scene Mary-Anne reminded me of the Blonde girl from 30 rock. I think her name's Jenna.

I like the tone of the new opening scene.
I think the concept of a gender re-assignede Jeeves & Worcester has legs.
There could also be bits of Ab-Fab-ness in there too.
The scene with the Mum & Dad I found far less interesting.
The gauche/crude parents contrasting with the faux sophisticated daughter seems a bit tired.
I can imagine that wearing thin pretty quickly.
Not sure that's the direction I'd take it.

I prefer the fact that in this scene something is happening. But for me there is still a disconnect between the character and the premise, which is a major issue and the expositional dialogue which is still on the clunky side - the name checking in particular. I think you need to look at this from the ground up. I don't get any sense of passion or ambition with the piece as it is. How would you pitch this for example in a sentence or two?

It'd probably be something like "Fading celebrity tries to cling onto fame while having to move back in with her dysfunctional family." And it would most likely be based around fame vs family thematically speaking.

But I wouldn't pitch it at all because it's not a completed script or a completed idea, hence why I'm posting it here.

Couldn't she be putting it around that she's moving back to be their carer out of compassion, rather than the other way round?

Quote: Martin H @ 19th July 2014, 5:53 PM BST

It'd probably be something like "Fading celebrity tries to cling onto fame while having to move back in with her dysfunctional family." And it would most likely be based around fame vs family thematically speaking.

But I wouldn't pitch it at all because it's not a completed script or a completed idea, hence why I'm posting it here.

View original

You are building a house without plans then. Not a good idea. The 'fame or not' each episode will get dull pretty quickly. The organics dynamically of the interaction already existing between the characters should be at the heart of this kind of writing. External goals etc shouldn't be at the heart of it in my opinion. Okay if you are arcing story lines in other forms but not in this kind of traditional sitcom setup. Lazard mentions Ab Fab... There is no kind of ambition in the main characters so each ep isn't about make or fail story lines. Without knowing what your idea is you are just writing two dimensional characters and using them for gags that could be interchangeable. So it makes it kind of hard to critique above and beyond what I have, for me anyway at least, identified as flaws. Unless you want a simple yes or no response to the premise? I see other people think you are on to a great idea.

Quote: beaky @ 19th July 2014, 7:30 PM BST

Couldn't she be putting it around that she's moving back to be their carer out of compassion, rather than the other way round?

View original

Seems to me that would be a better approach if that was why she really was moving back home. Gives it some depth and room to explore genuine human needs aspirations etc and bring back to the status quo each episode. But like I said it could just be me. But broadcasters are looking for the legs almost as the first thing.