One thing that has always confused me when writing Scripts is how to incorporate Narration and POV into dialogue. I've taken the precaution of writing some examples of how I would write these normally, but it would be great if someone could enlighten me on how to do it properly.

1st example is from my studio audience sitcom script of "But I'm Gyles Brandreth" where Gyles Brandreth plays a fictionalised version of himself. This is intended to be in the POV format like Peep Show or the prayers in Rev.

I haven't written any scripts in the last few years and I'm behind on all this new tech.

GYLES a clumsy 66 year old is sitting alone in his kitchen table in front of a huge strategically placed cream cake. Gyles looks over at his wife MERCEDES: a young and attractive and model like 26 year old woman most likely played by Michelle Keegan. MERCEDES is sitting down on the other end of the table reading a magazine.

GYLES
(Speaking in his mind only)
Why are women so difficult to understand? It's almost like they're from a different planet. I just don't understand. There hot one minute and there cold the next.
(Ambitiously)
What more do I have to do? I know what I'll do I'll show her what she means to me right now with a gesture so grand she will have no choice but to forgive me!

GYLES stands up forcefully to approach MERCEDES, but then trips over his own feet and lands face first in the cream cake and looks up in horror covered in cake icing. GYLES then hobbles over to the sink and turns on the water, but the tap head shoots off and water sprays everywhere. MERCEDES peers over her magazine.

MERCEDES
(Disapprovingly and un-fazed)
Oh Gyles

GYLES looks into the camera in a sombre fashion.

2nd Example is from My script "It's All Abbott Diane" and you can probably guess the premise. This is intended to be a narrative sitcom.

SCHOOL WAITING ROOM : DAY

DIANE is sitting by her self on a sofa at the reception area across from the SCHOOL RECEPTIONIST'S desk. The SCHOOL RECEPTIONIST is a 24 year old woman minding her own business on the phone.

DIANE
(Narrating)
Here I am at the school again. How many times do I have to tell them it wasn't my son's fault it was the other boy that put the itching powder in Mr Murphy's coat not my son. Sometimes it's just too difficult being a hero to the people and a mother.

The SCHOOL RECEPTIONIST puts the phone down.

SCHOOL RECEPTIONIST
Mrs Fullerton will see you now Mrs Abbott.

DIANE then stands up, gives an intense stare and then flies down the school corridor with much might.

I got a bit carried away with the Diane Abbott one. Anyway I'm pretty sure this is not the right way to do it so if someone could show me the right way that would be brilliant.

I was a bit confused Geoff how Mercedes could be young and attractive and also model like. My best advice would be to get some scripts and read them. There is no point in deconstructing a cream cake ,after all, when Delia has done it many many times already.

Surely all you need is to write (V.O.)?

I agree with beaky with the (V.O)

If there is a mixture of spoken dialogue and what the character is thinking, I'd write separate instances of dialogue.

e.g.

WIFE:
Have you done the washing up yet?

HUSBAND: (V.O)
Slave driver.

HUSBAND:
Just about to do it now, my dear.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ 11th May 2014, 1:15 PM BST

I agree with beaky with the (V.O)

If there is a mixture of spoken dialogue and what the character is thinking, I'd write separate instances of dialogue.

e.g.

WIFE:
Have you done the washing up yet?

HUSBAND: (V.O)
Slave driver.

HUSBAND:
Just about to do it now, my dear.

View original

This is confusing as she is in shot. So put him in shot and her out. (O.O.V)

Hi Marc. In that example, they're both in shot. I meant the HUSBAND (V.O) is what they guy is thinking in his head, then his other dialogue is what he's saying to his wife. Hope that's cleared it up.

Yes. I guess that would have been stylistically set up beforehand.

Quote: Marc P @ 10th May 2014, 8:20 AM BST

I was a bit confused Geoff how Mercedes could be young and attractive and also model like.

View original

That was because I wanted to make it like one of those sitcoms in which an average looking man somehow has a really beautiful wife and it's never explained how he managed to do it. I should also point out that neither of those examples are actually serious projects, I didn't really want to show anyone that on here yet.

As for all the other comments they've all been very helpful so thanks everyone.