This is the first 2 scenes of my first attempt at a sitcom.

Scene 1- INT- matts house

Matt is asleep in front of the TV. His mum and dad walk in and see him.

Sue: Matt! Wake up. Come on.

Matt: what?

Sue: get up. What are you still doing here, I thought you had an interview today.

Matt: I have. It's not until 3:00.

Sue: it's 3:15 now.

Matt: oh what? I was just resting my eyes and I must have dropped off.

Mark: I can't believe you. I thought you were going to start making an effort to get a job.

Matt: it's not my fault I fell asleep.

Mark: no nothing ever is your fault is it?

Matt: look calm down. I'll just phone them up and ask them to re-schedule.

Mark: they're not going to see you now. Your unreliable. Your 25 years old and you can't even make it to an interview let alone actually get a job. You have been unemployed for 4 months now and you hardly leave the house.

Matt: you know I've been going through a hard time recently.

Mark: everyone gets dumped. It's been over 3 months now and you've got to get over it.

Matt: she didn't just dump me, she cheated on me with my best friend. Sorry if I seem a bit down recently.

Mark: well if you can't get over it here, maybe you should leave.

Matt: where am I supposed to go I haven't got any money.

Sue: I spoke to Sharon the other day and she said that Danny has got his own flat and is looking for a lodger.

Matt: I haven't seen Danny in ages. I can't just invite myself round.

Sue: no, that's the thing. I've already spoken to Danny and he said he will happily take you in.

Matt: take me in? I'm not a stray cat!

Sue: I didn't mean it like that. I just think it will do you good to get away for a bit. It will be good for both of you. Danny can get some extra rent and you can make a fresh start. Anyway, Danny is as worried about you as we are.

Matt: I don't know about that. The other day I put a status on Facebook saying I am heartbroken and Danny liked it.

Sue: that's just his way of letting you know he is thinking of you.

Mark: we will pay your first couple of months rent to give you a chance to get a job and get settled.

Matt: well it doesn't look like I've got much choice. When do you want me to go?

Scene 2-INT-The flat

The doorbell rings. Danny answers the door and Matt is standing there holding a big box. His mum and dad are standing behind him with his bags.

Danny: hi come in.

Sue: thanks so much for taking him in like this Danny. (She sees matt looking annoyed). I mean letting him stay.

Danny: it's fine. Do you want a drink or anything?

Mark: no thanks. We better get home we are going out later.

Sue: right I've packed everything you will need tonight in this bag.

Matt: ok thanks. Bye.

Sue: there is also a change of clothes in there for tomorrow. I wasn't sure what you wanted so I packed your Lego t shirt.

Matt: ok. Bye.

Sue: right I'll call you tonight.

Matt: ok bye.

Sue/mark: bye.

Danny: sorry did your mum just say you have a Lego t shirt.

Matt: yeah. (A few seconds silence). It's not actually made of Lego it's just got pictures of Lego men on it. It was a present.

Danny: ok. Right I've only got 2 house rules. Rule number 1, there are no rules.

They high five.

Matt: I can tell I'm going to like it here. What's the second rule?

Danny: no shoes in the living room. That carpet is expensive.

Matt: ok. What's your policy on slippers?

Danny: umm, they are fine. So shall I show you the living room?

Matt: yeah ok. (Matt starts to follow Danny)

Danny: shoes.

Matt: oh sorry. (He takes his shoes off and goes in to the other room).

There are a lot off empty beer cans on the table.

Danny: sorry about the mess. I had a few friends over last night and I haven't got around to clearing it up.

Matt: that's ok. I'll help it's the least I can do. Where do you put your recycling?

Danny: I don't bother with that. Just put them in the bin.

Matt: you don't recycle?!

The door bell rings. Danny goes to answer the door and comes back with his friends Simon and Ben.

Danny: this is Matt. Matt this is Simon and Ben.

Matt: hi.

Danny: right Matt we are going to the pub.

Matt: oh ok have a good time.

Danny: no you are coming to.

Matt: oh that's ok. I'm not really in a going out sort of mood.

Danny: it's Friday night. What else are you going to do.

Matt: I've got a new puzzle in my bag, I was thinking of making a start on that.

Danny: A puzzle!

Ben: you can't stay in on a Friday night. There was a repeat of property ladder on tonight that I wanted to stay in and watch but I'm not that sad. I've recorded it.

Matt: I'm just not good company at the moment. My girlfriend cheated on me, I've got no job and even my own mum and dad don't want me living with them.

Simon: to be honest, I wouldn't feel like going out either.

Danny: that's even more of a reason to go out. You're in a new place with new people. The world is your oyster.

Matt: oh.

Danny: now what?

Matt: I'm illergict to oysters. Well, all shellfish except squid actually. Just thinking about oysters makes me feel sick. But I get your point so I will come out tonight.

Danny: excellent. Lets go.

They go in to the hall.

Matt: I'll just put my stuff in to my room. Can someone grab that box.

Simon picks up the box. It is heavy.

Simon: what have you got in here!

Danny: It is a lot of stuff for a small flat. Do you really need this globe for example?

Matt: I couldn't leave that behind, it means the world to me.

Ben: what's this?

Matt: it's a clock in the shape of a fried egg. I made it at school. My teacher told me it was eggcelent. (A few seconds silence). It's ok I'll keep it all in my room.

Made it to page one, expoisitional, joke free script.
Everyone stands still and says what's happening.
You need to start over, sorry

Scene 1 is just back story really - you could just keep in mind that's where the character comes from but cut the scene completely and start with scene 2.

Scene 2 is better - there's a bit of dramatic conflict and a couple of jokes, but it's still very static. It needs an edit, more action, more funny situations. Introducing a third character might help.

The other thing that slightly worries me is that two very different blokes sharing a flat isn't exactly a novel scenario.

As pointed out above, your people talk they're explaining the plot rather than having a conversation, and the first notable funny bit is in Scene 2.

Even then, it could be tighter eg. :

Danny: Sorry, did your mum just say you have a Lego t shirt?

Matt: yeah (PAUSE) it's not actually made of Lego
(BIGGER PAUSE) I don't actually wear it.

I agree that the first scene isn't great but it is supposed to set up the story. There are a lot more jokes in the rest of the episode. I will put the third scene up tomorrow and see if you think it is any better. Thanks for the comments

Ok to give some more detailed feedback.

Sitcom humour comes from 4 main areas; setting, plot, character and humourous dialogue.

You need all of these. Your character's aren't developed, so you've got a grumpy dad, a lazy son and a more lively flatmate.

The setting is 2 guys sharing a flat who are a bit different.

Where's the humour? Where's the life?

Probably the best odd couple flat share of recent years is for me Peep show.

2 guys one hopelessly anally retentive and passive aggressive, shares with the most irresponsible person in the world. So endless conflict, one upmanship comedy gold.

Next up funny lines, you seem to have scattered puns through out scene 2. Puns are basically the refugees of comedy writing, hiding out in a few safe places they are welcome.

Sitcom isn't one of them.

Funny lines should advance the plot, or tell us more about the character. I suppose sometimes like Black adder they can be funny in and of themselves.

If you're lead character neurotically makes puns inappropriate times, then the inappropriateness is funnier than the puns.

Next up you need a plot driving the story forward like a Balrog with a whip. From scene one there must be an urgent story line to be resolved, be it Terry's boss from Terry June wanting to watch Dallas or James Bond searching for stolen nukes.

Finally your dialogue doesn't work. Dialogue should be natural and most people speak in surprisingly clipped sentences.

Your characters say what they are going to do then, then do it. Comedy is about contradiction and your audience making leaps of assumption.

For example

PERSON A
Now I have standards about cleanliness in this flat, do you understand?

PERSONB
Yup no problemo chief

PERSON B URINATES IN THE KITCHEN SINK

PERSONA
This might take a while.

I'd say rather than tweek add jokes, or whatever you need to hack into it. Take apart all the dialogue, rebuild the characters as characters develop a plot and start writing some funny.

Well I've read a lot of crap scripts on here, but this isn't bad, I liked the way it didn't drag on or try to just be stupid!
I watch the wrong mans yesterday and that was far worse than this!
well done!

Quote: enigmatic @ October 2 2013, 7:22 PM BST

As pointed out above, your people talk they're explaining the plot rather than having a conversation, and the first notable funny bit is in Scene 2.

Even then, it could be tighter eg. :

View original

I agree that's a good bit, the nervous geeky character stumbling over his lines and coming out with a sort of mumbled confession.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I will try re writing the first scene. This is the 3rd scene I have at the moment.

Scene 3-INT- the pub

Matt and Simon are sitting at the table talking. Danny and Ben are at the bar getting the drinks. Martin is standing nearby.

Simon: what sort of thing do you want to do then?

Matt: I really don't know.

Simon: what are you good at?

Matt: I'm not really good at anything.

Simon: Come on, you must be good at something. Haven't you got any hidden talents?

Matt: I don't know, maybe. The trouble is they are so well hidden, even I don't know what they are.

Martin walks over and joins in the conversation.

Martin: I know how you feel. When I was your age I didn't know what I wanted to do either. I tried so many jobs and just couldn't find anything I enjoyed. So your not alone. You will be fine.

Matt: Thanks. What do you do now.

Martin: I'm unemployed. 3 years now.

He walks back to the bar.

Simon: That's Martin. He's alright when you get to know him but he is a bit odd.

Danny and Ben come back to the table with the drinks.

Matt: thanks.

Lucy walks in to the pub. She says hello to Danny and goes to the bar.

Matt: who's that?

Danny: Lucy. She lives downstairs.

Matt: in the cellar?

Danny: No! In the flat below us.

Matt: Oh. What with her boyfriend?

Danny: no she lives with her mum. She split up with her boyfriend a while ago.

Matt: oh.

Ben: She wouldn't go out with you though.

Matt: why not?

Ben: she likes tough guys. Her ex boyfriend was a boxer.

Matt: I've done a bit of boxing in my time.

Danny: you have?

Matt: yeah. Mainly on the wii but how different can it be.

Ben: He would batter you.

Matt: trust me. I'm a lot stronger than I look.

Danny: Matt, when we were younger you got a black eye playing swingball with your nan.

Matt: she had a surprisingly strong backhand.

Danny: I'm sure she did. Anyway, what did Martin want?

Simon: he was just trying to cheer up Matt.

Martin walks over.

Danny: alright Martin? How was your holiday?

Martin: it was ok. I got a heat rash though.

Danny: oh dear.

Martin: yeah it's agony. I'm going skiing for the first time next week so I hope it's better by then.

Danny: oh that should be good. I've always wanted to go skiing. Good luck.

Ben: yeah break a leg.

Martin: thanks.

Martin walks away looking hurt.

Danny: why did you say that to him?

Ben: it's just what people say for luck.

Danny: not to someone going skiing for the first time. You know how accident prone he is. He broke his arm going down a slide, think what he could do coming down a mountain at 60 miles an hour.

Ben: I'm sure he'll be fine.

Danny: Anyway Matt, me and Ben were talking and we think we should have a party tomorrow night. It will be the perfect chance for you to meet new people.

Matt: I'm not really in the mood for a party.

Danny: I thought I would invite people in the building. I'm sure Lucy would come.

Matt: I suppose it would be good for me to meet new people. I could do the buffet. Do you know if Lucy likes mini sausages?

Danny: I have no idea.

Ben: I do!!

Matt: right then. I'll be in charge of the food. Do you think I should get some starters for before the main buffet or is that to much? I'm going to need to write a list.

Danny: it's just a house party, not come dine with me.

Matt: sorry if I'm getting a bit carried away but I love to cook.

Simon: why don't try and get a job as a chef then.

Matt: I tried that before and it didn't go well. I accidentally set myself on fire. Anyway, I don't like to talk about that.

They all look shocked.

Well I think It would make a great sitcom, nice and different, would be funny if done right!
Would you like me to put a cartoon to it? not to be taken to seriously, just to see how it plays out it real time! up to you? but I luve waisting my time on silly projects sometimes they are gresat!

HI

I've read all the scenes and whilst I did smile at a few of the lines it didn't really feel like a sitcom. It is actually very similar to what I have done so far on my own first attempt at a sitcom. Just people in a room talking to each other without much of a story at all. Like Sooty said most of the jokes are just for their own sake which sometimes is fine but some of them do need to carry a storyline and a lot of the jokes in this feel contrived. For example one of them said they are going skiing just so you could say the break a leg line in. Now, unless part of the story features him going skiing, this joke doesn't need to be there.
What you have done here is a good exercise in getting to know how your characters speak, but in order to get to really know how they ACT you need to put them in situations (Preferably funny/sticky) . So I would suggest doing that.

Good luck.

Thanks for the comments matty. The main story is Matt trying to change his life. He has moved in to a new flat and wants to get a new job, new girlfriend etc. it just follows him trying to do this with Danny's help. The skiing bit I was thinking of having Martin on crutches in episode 2.
Danny: what happened?
Martin: I broke my leg. It was so embarrassing.
Danny: well skiing is a dangerous sport. I'm sure people break their leg all the time.
Martin: I wasn't skiing. I tripped over getting off the plane and was taken straight to hospital. I didn't even see a mountain the whole time I was there.
Your right though. It doesn't really need to be there and isn't anything to do with the story. I just thought it was funny.

Yes thanks funnyHaHa that would be great.

Ok M you're biggest problem is your dialogue, it's expositional e.g. your characters say exactly what they're doing. It's neither funny nor dramatic.

Danny: what happened?
Martin: I went skiing.
Danny: It is a dangerous sport.
Martin: I wouldn't know, I fell off the steps off the plane. The only mountains I saw were on the postcards I sent from the hospital.

.

Of course if you want to make a character very verbose.

Danny: what happened?
Martin: I went skiing.
Danny: It is a dangerous sport. The slippery ice, the constant danger of avalanche, catching your skis in the snow on the ski flit. Grey runs, black runs, double black runs. It's so dangerous you might as well jump off of a cliff.
Martin: It's a good thing I broke my leg falling off the plane at the airport. If I'd gone skiing I could have been really hurt.

How does the man who's been unemployed for 3 years pay for these 2 holidays?

The answer to that is why I'm voting UKIP