This is a sketch I didn't send into 2525, I wrote six and this did not make the cut. I felt there was something that was not working but could not put my finger on it. Any ideas?

INTRO: Its 2399 or nearly midnight if you prefer and on Balham High Street
the last Light bus of the night is about to leave its stop.

MAN: (OFF) Hey hold up, wait!

WHOOSH SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING

MAN: Thanks mate. Is this the right bus for Titan?

DRIVER: Yes, but you can't bring your kebab on.

MAN: That's not a kebab, that's my girlfriend.

GIRLFRIEND: How rude!

DRIVER: Sorry miss, me eyes aren't up to much these days, out of warranty.

MAN: You are driving a Light Speed Bus with dodgy eyes?

DRIVER: Between you and me, I'm not actually driving it, this wheel, it's
not attached to anything. See look I can spin it right round,
nothing. It's all pre-programmed.

MAN: But you just opened the door for me?

DRIVER: No the bus did that, it must have fancied your kebab.

GIRLFRIEND: Oi!

DRIVER: Sorry, girlfriend.

MAN: Well what is your job? What are you doing here?

DRIVER: I'm here to reassure the passengers.

MAN: But you're half blind and your steering wheel isn't attached to
anything.

DRIVER: No but I have a very disarming personality, and that helps people
to forget about the dangers

MAN: Oh, right. (BEAT) Hang on is Light Speed Travel dangerous?

DRIVER: No, not at all.

MAN: Thank goodness.

DRIVER: No it's the stopping that you should be worried about.

MAN: What? Is stopping dangerous then?

DRIVER: No...not if the gravity field dampers are aligned correctly with the
brakes.

MAN: What happens if they aren't?

DRIVER: Well you can imagine, travelling at the speed of light, the bus
stops instantly and you don't.

MAN: Good God! What happens then?

DRIVER: Well best case scenario is a double retina detachment. Not too bad
if you are still under warranty.

MAN: Is that what happened to you...

DRIVER: Yer worst case would be you hitting the front of the stationary bus
at Light Speed.

MAN: That's awful!

DRIVER: Don't worry about that sir. (BEAT) You would already have been
vaporised by atmospheric friction as you left your seat.

MAN: Open this door! Let me out!

DRIVER: As you wish sir, though I do think you are overreacting a little.

MAN: Open this door!

DRIVER: Ok, ok.

WHOOSH OF DOOR OPENING

DRIVER: What about your girlfriend sir?

MAN: (OFF) You can keep her, she's dripping grease everywhere anyway.

GIRLFRIEND: Charming!

CONTROLLER: (OVER RADIO) Are you not off yet Sid?

DRIVER: No point boss, no passengers on board.

CONTROLLER: Well you had better come back to the depot. Looks like another
early night?

DRIVER: Will do. Do you fancy sharing a kebab?

GIRLFRIEND: Cheeky!

Quote: playfull @ September 9 2013, 11:30 PM BST

This is a sketch I didn't send into 2525, I wrote six and this did not make the cut. I felt there was something that was not working but could not put my finger on it. Any ideas?

INTRO: Its 2359 or nearly midnight if you prefer and on Balham High Street
the last Light bus of the night is about to leave its stop.

MAN: (OFF) Hey hold up, wait!

WHOOSH SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING

MAN: Thanks mate. Is this the right bus for Titan?

DRIVER: Yes, but you can't bring your kebab on.

MAN: That's not a kebab, that's my girlfriend.

DRIVER: Sorry miss, me eyes aren't up to much these days, out of warranty.

MAN: You are driving a Light Speed Bus with dodgy eyes?

DRIVER: Between you and me, I'm not actually driving it, this wheel, it's
not attached to anything. See look I can spin it right round,
nothing. It's all pre-programmed.

MAN: But you just opened the door for me?

DRIVER: No the bus did that, it must have fancied your kebab.

GIRLFRIEND: Oi!

DRIVER: Sorry, girlfriend.

MAN: Well what is your job?

DRIVER: I'm here to reassure the passengers.

MAN: But you're half blind and your steering wheel isn't attached to
anything. As are neither of your eyes apparently.

DRIVER: No but I have a very disarming personality, and that helps people
to forget about the dangers

MAN: Oh, right. (BEAT) Hang on is Light Speed Travel dangerous?

DRIVER: No, not at all.

MAN: Thank goodness.

DRIVER: No it's the stopping that you should be worried about.

MAN: What?

DRIVER: No...not if the gravity field dampers are aligned correctly with the
brakes.

MAN: What happens if they aren't?

DRIVER: Well you can imagine, travelling at the speed of light, the bus
stops instantly and you don't.

MAN: Good God! What happens then?

DRIVER: Well best case scenario is a double retina detachment. Worst case you hit the front of the bus at light speed and end up looking like a kebab. Sorry miss.

MAN: Open this door! Let me out!

DRIVER: As you wish sir, though I do think you are overreacting a little.

MAN: Open this door!

DRIVER: Ok, ok.

WHOOSH OF DOOR OPENING

DRIVER: What about your girlfriend sir?

MAN: (OFF) You can keep her, she's dripping grease everywhere anyway.

CONTROLLER: (OVER RADIO) Are you not off yet Sid?

DRIVER: No point boss, no passengers on board.

CONTROLLER: Well you had better come back to the depot. Looks like another
early night?

DRIVER: Will do. Do you fancy sharing a kebab?

GIRLFRIEND: Cheeky!

View original

That's my take on it. Nice punch line!

Really liked the added Kebab joke. Consider it purloined.

thanks

Nothing wrong with it.Although it does remind me of a certain Dr Who episode.But is a "cultural reference" a rip off?I don't think so.Especially if you call it a cultural reference.If this is a reject you must have sent in some beauties then.Thanks for undermining me and the rest of the folks.

Quote: Jaicee @ September 10 2013, 11:30 AM BST

If this is a reject you must have sent in some beauties then.

View original

That's what I was thinking! It's got references but you don't make the sketch too 'futuristic' as the bus driver and man are down to earth, nice idea and some funny lines, loved the girlfriend kebab idea.

Thanks Jaicee & Shandon, You now have me wondering if I should have sent this instead of any of the ones I did submit!

The problem is when I have read somthing several times I start to loose the jokes and it becomes harder to judge what works and what doesn't.

Still new to this sketch writing lark.

I wrote six and dithered about which one to scrap too so you're not alone playfull!

Like this. Silly, with a lovely running joke about the kebab/girlfriend misunderstanding.

The more I read other people's work, the more I realise how far mine has to go.

Thanks Andy, I am new to this sketch writing malarkey. I note you have posted some good newsjack stuff - I am really struggling with the whole 'current' thing myself. I will just have to hope there are more radio sketch shows set 500 years from now in the pipeline otherwise my sketch writing career could be over before it has started!

I think futuristic travel is a good idea to tackle and avoids the obvious mutant/robot angles. However, I felt the sketch featured a lot of questions beung asked about the bus ride which the passenger would have already known the answers to. I think a stronger sketch would have concentrated on the minutiae of bus journeys e.g. Only having notes to pay for the fare, having to give up your seat for a pregnant alien, being late etc.

Quote: playfull @ September 10 2013, 11:35 PM BST

Thanks Andy, I am new to this sketch writing malarkey. I note you have posted some good newsjack stuff - I am really struggling with the whole 'current' thing myself. I will just have to hope there are more radio sketch shows set 500 years from now in the pipeline otherwise my sketch writing career could be over before it has started!

View original

I liked the sketch much more 2nd time around.The first time I read it, the kebab joke confused my tiny mind. I was thinking "Why would a kebab be mistaken for a girlfriend" and hence didn't concentrate on the rest of the sketch which is good.
It's like having your sumptuous steak and kidney pie on the same plate as your sticky toffee pudding.
I am sure your sketches will be even more of a hit in 500 years time. They could be your pension if you get yourself cryogenically frozen.
To summarise, I really liked it. I am jealous.

Quote: Ben @ September 11 2013, 7:16 AM BST

...I felt the sketch featured a lot of questions beung asked about the bus ride which the passenger would have already known the answers to...

View original

Yes. The chap is asking if light speed travel is safe but it sounds like it's pretty common at this date. Common enough to be used in a night bus.

Apart from that I can easily imagine that sketch being done. Great ending too.

I've just remembered it wasn't Dr Who but an old R4 radio comedy that was on R4Extra the other week that this reminded me of so you were probably wise to reject it. As I said on another post I wrote a priest/sinner sketch and realised it was a Dave Allan one I'd dragged up from my subconscious.It's too easy to write a version of something else.Only solution - never watch or listen to any comedy.

Thanks for your comments Ben, Tony and Tiggy - I agree that if light speed travel is the norm then fear of it or asking questions about its safety would be as ridiculous as being afraid of flying on a plane or asking how safe trains are today.
(tongue firmly in cheek)

Yes, whilst it is a silly sketch, it might be that element that bothered me - so that is helpful. I think I could address it with a little change in the dialogue.
Thanks for your feedback.

Jaicee - Don't tell anyone but I don't listen to Radio comedy. I promise I will start! So whilst I don't think I was directly influenced, it is impossible to be certain. Can you remember the name of the show?

regards

perry

It's a great idea, a great title and the kebab joke is excellent.

But it's too long, as has been said the style is to question/answer what I call zigzag writing.

Also you're not having enough fun with a bus that crosses the speed of light. If your oyster is empty, can you wait till you cross the speed of light and return to a point where it had credit?

Would you're increasing density mean that if you wen upstairs you couldn't get back down again?