Quotes

Chris is the kind of name a turd would have if turds had names.

Matthew Malone (Ben Chaplin) in Series 1, Episode 4

I was just lying in bed wondering why women loathe and despise me and suddenly I was wide awake.

Martin Henson (Matthew Cottle) in Series 1, Episode 4

Girls do look at me, it's just the conversation and the knobbing they seem a bit reluctant about.

Martin Henson (Matthew Cottle) in Series 1, Episode 5

I asked her out. I, Martin Henson, for a drink down The Duke, and do you know what she said? She said, "delighted". She's delighted with me, Mandy. She thinks I'm the dog's bollocks.

Martin Henson (Matthew Cottle) in Series 2, Episode 1

I can't believe she's gone into the bedroom with him. I can't believe she's gonna shag that psycho when she's never had the common decency to give me or you one.

Matthew Malone (Neil Stuke) in Series 2, Episode 4

Do you know when I'm in bed with Clare it's like I've died and gone to Heaven. In fact it's probably better than Heaven 'cause I shouldn't think you're allowed to do it doggy fashion in Heaven, are you?

Martin Henson (Matthew Cottle) in Series 2, Episode 3