THIS WEEKS TOPIC IS: EDUCATION (Chosen by ShoePie, so blame him!)

!CLOSED COMPETITION!

Vote here - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1002#10820

CURRENT LEADER BOARD:

Points - Name
03 - David Chapman
03 - ShoePie
01 - Swerytd
00 - Leevil

And in case it's not clear, points will be rewarded by vote count. (Edited)

Anyone can join, as long as you get your entry in before the closing date.

One entry per person.

Post your entry here.

Any ideas or suggestion, please post here as well.

COMPETITION ENDS: THURSDAY 8TH MARCH 9:00PM.

Education, Self Fladulation, Education (to quote Tony Blair).
I thought i'd have a go, those of a religious persuasion look away now, besides God sees everything so he'll look at it for you.

A Sunday School Class

Teacher:
So what does the Story of Adam and Eve teach us?

Boy:
Women are evil?

Teacher:
No, Eve was allowed to eat anything in the world except an apple but she couldn't do it, this teaches us that no matter how wide ranging the diet women can't be expected to stick to it. Now moving on, does any one know who Mary Magdeline was?

Girl:
She was Jesus's wife

Teacher:
Well thats one theory, the other is that she was a prost.. a lady of sin.

Boy:
Which one's right miss

Teacher:
Well whichever way you look at it Mary Magdeline got screwed. Now can anyone tell me why the bible was written.

Girl:
To tell us the word of God

Teacher:
Thats a common misconception, the bible actually contains a typo. Instead of 'Jesus' it should say 'Jew says.' It was originally written as a Jewish jokebook. Any other questions?

Girls and Boys put their hands up

Teacher:
You can turn water into wine by adding grapes, you can feed 5 hundred people with five loaves and two fish easily providing the fish are Great White sharks, and you can get a virgin pregnant, it happens all the time.

Boy:
Father Michael told us that those were miracles.

Teacher:
Father Michael? I thought this was the Atheism debate

Meanwhile...

Man:
How can you possibly believe in God in todays world of War, Death and Destruction? The idea of a single other reaching entity is ridiculous, why would he remain a neutral party when he has the ability to intervene?

Sunday School Teacher:
Shh, pick up your crayons and colour in your disciples.

Sorry - only just switched on to this one. When's the deadline? About 5 minutes ago?

COMPETITION ENDS: THURSDAY 8TH MARCH 9:00PM.

Oh dear! I didn't realise how hard the subject was!! But I thought I better try and get something in for it.

SCENE – INT - MIKE AND DAVE ARE SAT AT A TABLE IN A TYPICAL WHETHERSPOONS PUB.

DAVE
The children in this country are the stupidest and fattest in all of Europe!

MIKE
That’s a shocking thing to say Dave.

DAVE
I don’t enjoy saying in mate but it’s a fact. In France. By the time a child is five they can read, write, they know their multiplication tables.

MIKE
Blimey!

DAVE
And they can speak French! Our kids are still struggling with English.

MIKE (Confused)
But don’t they...

DAVE
In France children learn all the French Monarchs. We’re lucky if our kids can name 3 of the 5 tele-tubbies.

MIKE (Counts on Fingers)
Well there’s La-La, Pinky, Stinky...

DAVE
In fact! In Britain that’s probably a GCSE question.

MIKE
Well it’s one of those ones that you either know or you don’t.

DAVE
Our kids need a proper healthy diet to help them keep focus in school. Starting from when they’re born. I’ve said it many times before. I’m a big fan of women breast-feeding.

MIKE
That’s why you buy all those, uh, specialist magazines.

DAVE
And we need to stop feeding our kids junk food and bloody happy meals. There’s an Irony. Nothing happy about shoving yellow blubbery lard into our kid’s arteries.

MIKE
Nothing happy at all Dave. What do French kids eat then?

DAVE
I dunno. Probably something like Duck a la’Orange.

MIKE
Plenty of fruit then.

DAVE
Absolutely. A healthy balanced diet makes a healthy mind.

A WAITRESS BRINGS OVER TWO PLATES OF FOOD.

WAITRESS
Two double Bacon Cheese Burgers?

DAVE (To waitress)
Yep, ta.

WAITRESS PUTS THE FOOD ON THEIR TABLE.

DAVE
Of course, it’s not all bad news. Our fatso kids are still 50% smarter than American kids.

I'm still in college yet I don't have a single sketch on education or a classroom situation... I will try and enter one leevil if I get over my writers block in the next 4 days.

This loosely has an education theme to it and is a variation of a previous sketch I posted up.

FADE IN

INT. PUB - NIGHT

ERIC joins TREVOR at a table in their local pub.

ERIC
Alright mate, you look deep in thought, anything wrong?

TREVOR
Nah, just had a funny old day that’s all.

ERIC
Why's that then, anything in particular?

TREVOR
Nah–nah it's nothing really, just that I saw someone today who I hadn't seen in a long time.

ERIC
Yeah, who was that then?

TREVOR
Oh just some kid, well I say kid, a grown up now but we went to the same school and my life was made a misery because of it.

ERIC
What bullying?

TREVOR
Yeah and do you know the funniest thing of all, I was always much smaller but the tables have turned and I tower head and shoulders now and certain thoughts started entering my mind.

ERIC
Yep, yep I see what you're getting at mate, revenge and all that eh? I really wouldn't blame you there, so did you go and have a word then, or better still, you know?

Eric does mock punching and sound effect actions!

TREVOR
Well I can't deny it did cross my mind mate. I was thinking shall I go over and do the old "Remember me" line and I even seriously thought about sticking one right on the chin, to get rid off all those years on pent up frustration, know what I mean?

ERIC
Well like I said, nobody would hold it against you mate as bullying ain't a subject to be taken lightly and yer schooldays can shape the rest of yer life yer know. So did you do it then eh? Go over and land one right on the kisser? 'Cause nobody would think any worse of ya if yer did!

TREVOR
Oh I was tempted, believe me I was tempted, but then I though to meself, "You know what Trev, you’re better than that" and it was a long time ago and all in the past so I let sleeping dogs lie.

ERIC
Well good on yer mate
(Shouts)Jeannie, when you're ready love, 2 more pints please.

Eric goes up to pay for and collect the pints while the camera focuses on Trevor in reflective thought.

ERIC
(With a consoling hand on Trevor's shoulder)
Ere son, get that down yer neck and take heart from the fact that you did the right thing.

TREVOR
Yeah cheers mate, plus there was one other thing that made me change my mind if I'm being honest.

ERIC
(Just before supping a mouthful of beer)
So what was that then?

TREVOR
Well she 'ad her bloddy 'usband with her, didn’t she?

Eric with hand still on Trev's shoulder, chokes and sprays mouthful of pint as Trev takes sip of his.

FREEZE FRAME TO OUT

this is a scene from a script i'm working on. some of you might remember it (The Best Years of Our Lives). i posted it earlier and have since re-written it. i'm currently half done and will post the whole thing once i complete it if anyone is interested. anyways, like i said, this is a single scene, i think it will work well for this competition. enjoy.

INT. MATH CLASS - DAY

BEN and ALEX enter math class and sit down. They look hardly enthusiastic. Other kids begin to filter into class as well. It’s the first day of school.

ALEX
Why are we here?

BEN
Well it’s simple really. So we can go to a bigger, more difficult school.

ALEX
Then what?

BEN
Well, if we’re lucky, we’ll get a high paying job, marry a girl and start a family.

ALEX
So basically I’m looking forward to retirement.

BEN
Kind of depressing isn’t it?

ALEX
I’ll still be able to enjoy life when I’m sixty, right?

BEN
We can only hope.

ALEX
So, anything new on the lady front?

BEN
Lady front?

ALEX
You know... getting any action?

BEN
It’s all quiet on the lady front.

ALEX
Cupid’s arrow hasn’t struck yet?

BEN
Please, cupid would need a machine gun before I get lucky.

ALEX
You hear that Lenny has a new lady friend?

BEN
Lenny?

ALEX
Ya.

BEN
Our friend Lenny?

ALEX
Ya.

BEN
How did he pull that off?

ALEX
I don’t know. It’s one of the great mysteries of the universe, like how deaf people are able to get up for work on time.

BEN
Who names their kid Lenny anyways?

ALEX
I think he has angry parents.

BEN
Well still, no reason to take out the shortcomings of birth control on a poor innocent child.

ALEX
Speaking of the ladies man...

LENNY enters the class and sits down beside BEN and ALEX.

LENNY
Hey guys!

BEN/ALEX
(unenthusiastically)
Hey Lenny.

LENNY
Good to be back huh?

ALEX
That’s an interesting way of putting it.

BEN
So Lenny, what about this new girlfriend?

LENNY
What are you surprised or something?

BEN
Well...

LENNY
C’mon guys, I’m desirable aren’t I?

ALEX
Actually, I assumed the only way you got with her was some sort of massive scheme... but on second thought you’re probably not smart enough for that.

LENNY gives him nasty look.

BEN
Seriously though, how did you do it?

LENNY
It was simple really, all I did was...
MR. HARVEY enters the class. He seems as about excited to be back as the kids.

MR. HARVEY
Alright kids, welcome to Math 10. I’ll be your teacher Mr. Harvey. Who’s my TA?

ROY jumps out of his seat.

ROY
That would be me sir!

MR. HARVEY
Settle down cadet. Here’s today’s assignment. I’d like to think you’ll be done by the time I get back from my smoke, but that’s probably wishful thinking. If the principal comes by, try to act like you’re actually doing something.
He hands the assignment to ROY and heads for the door.

ALEX
Didn’t you just get here?

MR. HARVEY
(takes a deep sigh)
All the more reason to have a smoke.

MR. HARVEY exits the class.

BEN
Well that was inspiring.

ALEX
I guess it’s a good example of how the system can suck the life right out of you. On the bright side, it will give us a chance to hone our paper football skills.

ALEX takes out a piece of paper and begins constructing a paper football.

LENNY
Oh no Alex, not this year. I’m not going to be distracted by your silly games anymore. It starts out as paper football, then before you know it we’re ruler fencing (rubs his eye) and then finally, you decide to “take it up a notch” and the fire department is here.

ALEX
Hey, it’s not my fault that the class burnt down. If so many kids didn’t pull the fire alarm all the time the fire department might actually have gotten here sooner.

ROY comes by handing out the assignment. His chest is puffed out, he obviously very proud of his new responsibility.

ROY
This doesn’t look like work to me. What’s going on here?

BEN
We were merely conversing while we waited for your lazy ass to bring us the assignment.

ALEX
Not that we were actually going to work on it or anything, but it’s pretty hard to look like your working when you have nothing to work on.

BEN
I assume you see the obvious problem with the question you posed. So if you don’t mind we’ll just get back to not working.

ROY stands there, trying to make sense of what he just heard.

ALEX
(waves his hand)
Move along.

ROY hands them the assignment with a glare and carries on. ALEX finishes to constructing his paper football and begins to play with Lenny. Ben stretches out and puts his feet up on his desk.

BEN
Man school’s hard.

I thought I would throw one in.....why do I feel the need to apologise for the majority of sketches I post???

Andy W

WE SEE A CLASS OF 12 YEAR-OLD BOYS ALL VERY SMARTLY DRESSED IN FULL UNIFORM (BLAZER, TIE etc). THEY ARE ALL IN ROWS SITTING BEHIND WOODEN DESKS AND BEHAVING THEMSELVES IMPECCABLY. WE HEAR THE COMMANDING VOICE OF AN ELDERLY MALE TEACHER AS WE CONTINUE TO VIEW THE CLASSROOM.

TEACHER (O.O.V.)
As you know we are continuing with your sex education today. Please open the magazines handed out earlier at page 27 and Tristan I would like you to begin reading the article entitled ‘My clitoral adventure’ from the third paragraph down.

ALL THE BOYS PICK UP THE MAGAZINE THAT IS ON THEIR DESK AND FLICK TO THE RELEVANT PAGE. WE SEE THE TITLE ‘MAMMOTH JUGS MONTHLY’ ON THE FRONT COVERS.

TRISTAN
Yes Sir. “I cupped her breasts in my hands as I made my way down her body kissing every inch as I went. Her skin was soft to the touch and my whole body began to tingle with the excitement.”

TEACHER (O.O.V.)
(INTERRUPTING) Very good. James, please take over.

JAMES
“As I reached the top of her thighs a warm feeling engulfed my whole being, the excitement was getting unbearably strong. I had no idea being with another woman could be so fantastic.”

TEACHER (O.O.V.)
(INTERRUPTING) Excellent James. Harry.

HARRY
“My nipples were erect. I wanted to explode there and then but I had a job to do.”

TRISTAN PUTS HIS HAND UP.

TEACHER (O.O.V.)
What is it Tristan?

TRISTAN
Can I go to the bathroom Sir?

TEACHER (O.O.V.)
Cant it wait?

TRISTAN
I don’t think so Sir. You forgot to bring tissue paper with you this time.

WE SEE THE TEACHER FROM THE CHEST UP BEHIND HIS DESK – OBVIOUSLY NAKED. HE IS LYING BACK ON HIS SEAT WITH HIS BARE FEET UP ON THE DESK. WE ALSO SEE A VERY LARGE BOTTLE OF BABY OIL.

THE END

Go on I'll give it a go I forced one out.

SCENE. INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

A small class of small children.

TEACHER:
Ok children, today we’re going to learn about relationships who can tell me what a relationship is.

A small girl raises her hand.

GIRL:
(Rather sweetly)
When a boy and a girl like each other (She smiles at a boy across the room, the rest of the children giggle)

TEACHER:
That’s right Rachael that’s one of the definitions of relationship. Another one is your “boyfriend” thinking it would be “fun times ahead” to introduce another women into the relationship, (to the girl) So when you and Tom think about starting a relationship (getting angry) I’d keep an eye on that slut! Jane entering the relationship!

Both little girls look at each other from across the room and start crying.

TEACHER:
(Composing herself and smiling) Ok! Who’s up for English?

END.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
The school children scribble away quietly at their desks as the teacher looks on.

TEACHER
Right class, times up, put down your pencils and be quiet as I collect your tests.

Teacher gets up and makes her way through the desks collecting the papers.

She reaches one desk and stops.

TEACHER
Aren't you a little too late to be taking this test?

PUPIL
(O.S)
What do you mean?

TEACHER
Well you're about thirty.

It's then revealed to be a man of about thirty.

PUPIL
I know.

He runs out of the classroom laughing hysterically.

END.

I know my sketches are a little crappy, but I think after the 50th time I do this joke, it may get funny, but proberly not...

Teacher : Right now then. Do you know what the three "R's" are?

Simpson (posh): In what context sir?

Teacher (mocking): "With regard to" education.

Sea of blank faces

Teacher : When I was young the 3 "R's" were reading, writing and 'rithmetic.

Simpson: With respect Sir...

Teacher : With respect Sir always means the opposite.

Simpson (carrying on) : ... only one of those is in fact an "R".

Teacher : Look - don't you think I know that? It's just a little joke. To show that teachers are not all humourless.

Simpson : Why stop at 3? Why not Archictecture, Art or Archaeology?

Teacher (losing patience) : Why don't we just call it 4? Arsehole.

THIS NEEDS PUTTING INTO THE LATEST THREADS AS DEADLINE IS NEARLY HERE.

I nearly forgot, well I actually did. Comp now closed!

Vote here - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1002#10820