School Reunion Sketch

This was inspired by the friends reunited website and again, I know some of the dialogue is iffy but that can always be edited later but I was interested in people's views on the joke itself, as it's one of those for me that seemed OK at the time but now I'm not too sure.

FADE IN

INT. SCHOOL HALL - NIGHT

It's set at a school reunion do and two blokes meet each other at the bar and exchange the usual shouting out each others surnames "Alright SMITHY?" - "BANKSY mate" or whatever and shake hands etc. and do the "Are you married and any kids?" small talk bit, when all of a sudden Smithy spies someone from the past.

SMITHY
Oh no, I've just seen someone I was hoping wouldn't be here as I was really wicked to him when I was younger.

BANKSY
Why, what did you do then?

SMITHY
It's more a case of what DIDN'T we do, we made his life a misery and all because he didn't look the part, with his dodgy cheap trainers and leather patches on the elbows of his blazer.

BANKSY
Come on, you couldn't have been that bad to the bloke?

SMITHY
No we were, I remember in chemistry once we pissed in a tumbler and told him we'd made our own fizzy drink and got him to taste it.

BANKSY
Er well yeah, that's kind of bad.

SMITHY
Yeah but that's nothing, another time we all ganged up on him and pulled down his pants and singed his pubes with a Bunsen burner.

BANKSY
(pulling a pained face)
Ooh, not nice!

SMITHY
But the worse thing of all was when we got hold of some rubber tubing and warm water and performed one of the earliest know cases of colonic irrigation in this country, causing his little fella to get a lob on in front of the whole class.....a kind of semi colon if you like?

BANKSY
Yeah OK, but that was a long time ago and you were young. The way I see it though is that you can either go on ignoring him for the rest of the night or go over, apologise and hope he'll let bygones be bygones.

SMITHY
(handing over the money)
Yeah I think you're right, here get a drink in and I'll be back in a minute.

So Smithy walks sheepishly over to his victim while Banks gets the drinks in.

SMITHY
(to victim)
Excuse me, I saw you looking at me and I know you remember everything we did and now that I look back on it, I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself and wanted to apologise to you and ask for your forgiveness.

VICTIM
(replies from an over the shoulder point of view shot)
Yes that's fine, don't worry about it.

SMITHY
Oh that's brilliant mate, I'm glad we got that sorted and I feel much better for it now, but there is just one thing that's bugging me, I can't for the life of me remember your name, what was it again?

VICTIM
(replies from full head on point of view shot)
It's Mr Anderson*, head of science department!

FADE OUT

*Mr Anderson could have a look of a presenter from the Open University, with a big bushy beard and still wearing his corduroy blazer with the leather patches on the elbows.

"leather patches on the elbows of he blazer"

That gave it away. But it was still a good joke.

Yeah I think you are right Leevil and I can be too over elaborate sometimes and maybe should say "Wore a dodgy blazer" or just drop that completely.

I'll leave it in for now so that people will know what you are referring to and by cutting and pasting that part, I also noticed my typo with "He" instead of "His" LOL

Quote: imamazed @ February 26, 2007, 10:34 PM

VICTIM
(replies from full head on point of view shot)
It's Mr Anderson*, head of science department!

View original

I love your belief that even teachers don't know their real names and refer to themselves as 'Mr Anderson' and suchlike!

I saw it coming right when it said about the patches on his blazer, and when it said "you were young" rather than "you were both young"-but overall i think it has great potential

It's a funny sketch - it would really make me laugh if I saw it on TV.

Yeah I get what you mean Scott but I suppose I was trying to emphasise that he was a teacher and funnily enough, I hadn’t really thought about it but if I ever saw any of my teachers today, I think I’d still refer to them as Mr, sir of whatever.....assuming they were male of course

Yes Scatterbrained Floozy, maybe the patches line was a giveaway or maybe it's just you are all comedy geniuses with finely tuned comedy minds. That sounds sarcastic now when I read it back but I promise you it wasn't meant to be and was nothing more than a jokey compliment, with a touch of buttering up on top for good measure.

When I was writing the "You" in the bit that says "When you were young" I had in mind you, as in the plural but this is what I find helpful in having other people read anything I post up and then taking note, by rewording if necessary anything that improves the set up and helps disguise the punch line until the very end, so thank you for pointing that out

Thanks Fred and I knew it amused me the first time but after a while I tend to become immune to anything I write so it’s always nice (especially for the ego) to hear other people’s views too.

Quote: imamazed @ February 28, 2007, 6:40 AM

Yeah I get what you mean Scott but I suppose I was trying to emphasise that he was a teacher and funnily enough, I hadn’t really thought about it but if I ever saw any of my teachers today, I think I’d still refer to them as Mr, sir of whatever.....assuming they were male of course

View original

It's essential for recognising him in the sketch as a teacher. Maybe you could even have him include a nickname ('Wiggy' Anderson or something).

I know exactly what you mean though, it's not a criticism at all

I agree with the other posters, that a decent idea was let down by being flagged uo too early. I said "ex-teacher" to myself after the first line of dialogue, even before the leather patches. Think how you might conceal it better. Some of the dialogue is pretty good though.

Also, and this is probably because I'm old and irritable, but I really don't like sketches ending with an exclamation mark to tell me how good the twist is.

With the number of people saying they twigged it, then I can see that it needed to be disguised a little better and I’m grateful to everyone for pointing this out but I was surprised Badge that you go it from just:

SMITHY
Oh no, I've just seen someone I was hoping wouldn't be here as I was really wicked to him when I was younger.

Please don’t think I’m asking this in a stroppy way, but can you let me know exactly what part gave it away so that I know what to work on and reword?

Thanks for your compliment on some of the dialogue and I genuinely appreciate all comments as I’m probably too, well I don’t exactly know how to describe it really and don't want to say too attached because that sounds pathetic, but I’m probably too "Whatever" regarding anything I write, to be able to see how it looks in another’s eyes.

I expect I do the exclamation marks out of habit and the same with the icons, but I suppose I think of them as a kind of visual "The End" type thing.

Oh and er,

The word "someone" especially, and the overall tone of the sentence, said to me that it wasn't a kid he had been really wicked to.

How about using the teacher's name or nickname, and saying he was bullied? e.g. "Oh no, there's Jonesy, we bullied him so much etc" - reference to bullying might be more likely to send people off on one track, and you can come in later and pull out the proverbial rug

or summat

Overall a nice sketch, conceal the begining a bit better, I agree with Badge suggestion but I thought it was funny

Ok thanks Badge for your reply and helpful comments and I’ll give it another go at re-writing it again at a later date.

And thanks too Scott for the words of advice and encouragement.