F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox and APlate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox , APlate - 2
Gappy - 1

Next topic: I'm Joking
Leg closed: 18.9.23
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 7 Me, Gappy
2 5 Otterfox
3 3 APlate
4 1 Firkin

THE JOKE'S ON US

PUB.
TOM bored...
Enter DICK, manic, flapping arms...

DICK Hey Tom, I got a great new hobby.

TOM (yawns) that is beyond awesome, mate. What is it this time?

DICK (proud) Telling - jokes!

TOM Great!

LONG PAUSE.

TOM So?

DICK I thought you could help.

TOM (sighs) All right... Well there are certain techniques you can use.

DICK Take who?

TOM Shut up, Dickhead. I mean, structures.

DICK Like playgrounds?

TOM Shut UP. Like - 'What's the difference between...?'

DICK I don't know.

TOM I hadn't finished. Dickwipe.

DICK Sorry.

TOM Like, What's the difference between Madonna and Covid? Covid MIGHT go away. (chuckles)

DICK (pause) I get it! All right, What's the difference between Madonna and Katy Perry?... Madonna has had more number ones. But to be fair to Katy, Madonna HAS been around longer, so if you calculate the actual...

TOM Shut UP, Dickbrain.

DICK Well you shouldn't laugh at Madonna. You know I'm gay.

TOM All right, Dicknose. Here's another: Why is Madonna...?

DICK I'm warning you, homophones...

TOM Just for the joke, okay? Why is Madonna like Covid?

DICK You just told me they were different.

TOM I know...

DICK I can't keep up with you.

TOM Just shut up, Dicktoe. Why is Madonna like Covid?

DICK You want me to answer?

TOM Because she never goes away completely! (laughs)

DICK That doesn't make sense. First you say that makes them different; now you're trying to...

TOM Shut up, Dickhair. Just try it.

DICK (thinks) Okay. Why is Madonna like Katy Perry? Because they've both had hit singles, even though Madonna has enjoyed considerably more, though as I...

TOM Shut it, Dickleg. All right, we'll try another: song titles.

DICK (thinks) Layla.

TOM Shut... This is where you put in a song title, like, 'My dad keeps lecturing me about my Madonna...'

DICK Please...

TOM My dad keeps lecturing me about my Madonna obsession. I said, Papa, don't preach... Okay?

DICK (thinks) All right... I like Madonna. Hey Jude.

TOM There has to be a connection...

DICK I like Madonna. Vogue.

TOM It has to contradict...

DICK I like Madonna. Hey Jude.

TOM Right, forget it.

DICK Sorry.

TOM You just haven't got a clue, have you?

DICK No. Apologies.

TOM In fact, you know why I hate people telling old jokes?

DICK I'm sorry. I haven't a clue.

KAY:Hey, Jay-Z! Why is your ice cream van in the garage? [MILKING IT] You got 99 problems?

JAY:[DEADPAN] No, it's the carburettor. [BEAT] It's the carburettor. Should I have had a fault that solely affected the production of the 99, it would have been poor business sense to have taken my ice cream van concession out of use to allow repair, at least until the end of the season, because I would remain able to purvey a wide variety of alternative products. [BEAT] To be frank, I'm having trouble envisioning a fault that would solely affect the production of the 99. [BEAT] In fact, the only fault I can envision that would solely affect the production of the 99, would be the non-availability of deceptively short Flakes. [BEAT] And as that would be a procurement issue best taken up with the wholesaler, I would not have found it necessary to engage the services of an automotive mechanic. [BEAT] Yo.

ANDY: I've got a pet tortoise called 'The Governor'.

BEN: Seriously?

ANDY: No, not seriously. I'm joking.

BEN: Oh. (pause) Is that it, then?

ANDY: No, I've got another one...

BEN: Another what? Another tortoise?

ANDY: No, another joke. Are you ready? I've got a pet cat called 'The Terminator'.

BEN: Oh, I wasn't ready!

ANDY: Were you not ready? Sorry. Are you ready now?

BEN: Yeah, go for it.

ANDY: OK. I've got a pet cat...

BEN: Is this the same cat you were on about just now?

ANDY: Ah, you heard me after all!

BEN: Yeah, I just wasn't ready.

ANDY: Oh, Christ. This is the worst conversation that two men have ever had.

BEN: You're right there, Andy.

ANDY: Is this what life's gonna be like for us now, Ben? Here in prison?

BEN: Probably. I regret committing those crimes.

ANDY: Yeah, same here.

THEY WALK SLOWLY TO THE BARRED WINDOW OF THE PRISON CELL WITH MOROSE EXPRESSIONS AND LOOK OUTSIDE

gappy gets my vote, fun idea with '99' Problems relating to ice cream.

Gappy.

It's a very close thing, but I think I'll plump for Monkle Mikehouse today.